I've finished my Visual Bookshelf stuff for now, so that's good. Only took a couple of hours!
These are from my copy of
America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.
Travelin' Music"Dating is just like shopping for hats. You try on hundreds, but reject most. It takes a while till you find just the right one." - Jenny, age 24.
"She told me she didn't like mustaches. I shaved. She told me she didn't like jewelry. I stopped wearing chains. She told me my hair was too shaggy. I got it cut. She told me I dressed too flashy. I bought new clothes. She told me she didn't like my cat. That was it." - Mel, age 47.
"When I tried to break up with him, Leonard begged me to keep going out with him. "Give it time," he whimpered. "It'll get better." As if our relationship was a virus." - Cindy, age 23.
"I finally told one man, in no uncertain terms, not to call anymore. That night, he came over with a dish of homemade English trifle. He said that I'd told him not to call, but I didn't say not to come over!" - Gena, age 34.
"After I told him I didn't want to see him anymore, he kept leaving messages on my answering machine, pleading with me to call him. Telling me how he felt about me, how I made his life complete, balanced him, how he dreamed about me, wanted to take me here or there, do this or that to my body. He read poetry to my voice mail. Sang love songs. Pleaded, begged, cried. Completely humiliated himself. He kept on that way for two years. Finally, he met somebody else, and now I kind of miss him. I got used to having his messages. I counted on them." - Fran, age 24.
"Peter broke up by innuendo. He was late for dates, called me by the wrong name. Talked about newly released movies he'd seen that I hadn't. I hadn't seen the movies, but I got the picture." - Meg, age 30.
"We were in bed, talking. And the conversation turned controversial. I guess I took the wrong side of the sexual harassment issue, because - before I could say Anita Hill - I was out in the hallway, holding my shoes." - Tim, age 32.
"Carl mentioned that he'd met a girl who looked just like Pamela Anderson. "That's nice," I said. Or something like that. He said no more. I realized that he thought he'd told me something important. Apparently, he thought that meeting someone who looked like Pamela Anderson spoke for itself. What would he want with a regular person anymore?" - Camille, age 23.
"Bottom line, I couldn't get serious about a man with no elastic in his socks." - Lisa, age 36.
"She told me that when she was with me, she was out of control, too attracted. She said it wasn't my fault, but I was bad for her. She couldn't be herself around me, couldn't resist the urge to cling. She said that dating me was like taking a plunge headfirst in a swan dive, knowing there's no water in the pool. Now what am I supposed to think about that?" - Cliff, age 28.
"We had a fight and broke up. He'd left his laundry at my house. The next day, I dumped it on his desk. He called to thank me for doing his wash. Obviously, he didn't care that his underwear had been sitting on his desk for all the world to see. I did get some satisfaction, though, from knowing that he assumed I'd washed it - knowing that, for the next five or six days, he'd be wearing dirty underwear." - Mayebelle, age 33.
"He took me to dinner and asked, by candlelight, if I wanted children. I said, "Yes." He asked me if I wanted to get married. Tears in my eyes, I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, you and I want different things. I don't want to hold you back." I thought he was proposing; he thought he was breaking up with me." - Cathy, age 26.
"At the ballet, Brendan told me that he wanted a ballerina. I wasn't a ballerina. That was pretty much the end of it." - Kimberly, age 22.
"Everett gave a whole speech about how it wasn't me, it was him. I was great. He just wasn't ready to settle down. I was perfect; he was immature. This was our second date. Count 'em: one, two. There was nothing to break up FROM. But apparently, this was his idea of a long-term relationship." - Emma, age 27.
"Gene assured me that I shouldn't worry about him - there was always a fresh supply of younger women, so he'd never run out of partners. But he said he was concerned that I'd have a problem because, as we aged, eligible men would be in shorter and shorter supply. It was his duty, therefore, to give me a chance to catch one before it was too late." - Margaret, age 45.
"Ashleigh listened to Michael Bolton all day, all night. Enough said?" - Wesley, age 29.
"She told me that she was breaking up with me because she thought I was going to break up with her. Basically, she said she was ending it before I did, so I wouldn't. I hadn't thought of ending anything, but she wasn't interested; why would she believe a man who wouldn't even admit he was going to break up with her?" - Bob, age 23.
"Kelly told me she wanted a down-to-earth guy who'd take care of things for her. This image did not suit me. I told her she'd be better off with a contractor." - Gary, age 33.
"I had to dump him before he dumped me. If you see it's going nowhere, it's much better for your head to dump rather than get dumped, assuming you like the guy. And, if you do it right, dumping him might get his attention, turn things around. Of course, if you DON'T like a guy, well, you can afford to let him dump you. You can give him all kinds of trouble and, generously, let him be the one to call it off." - Jade, age 28.
"I put up with the toupee as long as I could. He was always checking mirrors, afraid it would slip, blow, tilt, show. Car windows had to be closed. He wouldn't go near a fan, wouldn't swim, ride in a boat or a convertible, ski, or ride a horse, a carousel, or a Ferris wheel. He wouldn't do anything that might jeopardize his rug. The rug determined his whole life and, eventually, even who he dated. As in: not me." - Gwen, age 47.
"We'd been going out for two years. Gary took me to dinner and told me that he had news: He'd met a great girl. Like, what was I, chopped liver? A few months later, he called from a car phone, asked what was I up to, and said that, well, he had to go, couldn't chat, was in the limo on the way to his wedding. Then, a few days later, he called from his honeymoon. "Char," he said, and he sounded desperate, "I think I've made a terrible mistake." He still calls, asks to see me. I tell him not on a silver platter, that if he comes over, I'll leave. Imagine. He met "a great girl." Indeed." - Charlotte, age 31.
"I'm sixty-seven years old, and George had me sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring. How undignified. Marriage is one thing; dating's quite another - you have no authority. I had to call it off." - Luella, age 67.
"We'd had an argument at dinner. He told me I was jealous and possessive; I told him he was superficial and immature. Believe me, he couldn't drive fast enough on the way home. The whole way, we didn't say a word. That is, until we hit the deer. The thing shattered the windshield and battered his car before hobbling off into the woods. I told him he was lucky he didn't kill us, and our argument started all over again, even though he had to drive with his head out the window. When we got to my place, I got out as fast as I could. The car was still rolling when I slammed the door." - Sophie, age 30.
"I like to spend time with Bess, but our conversations are often lacking. I have trouble with my hearing, and she has trouble with her memory. So she tells me to remind her of things, but I don't hear what it is I'm supposed to remind her. I ask her to repeat herself, and she can't remember what it was she just said. We get along, though. We have a good time." - Abe, age 85.
"After dating Harry, all I can say is never, and I mean NEVER let anyone take your picture with your clothes off." - Molly, age 26.
"Jeremy is seventy; I'm sixty-six. We're both widowed. We went out and had a spectacular time, but then he didn't call again. I ran into him in the lobby of our building, and he looked exhausted. I was worried about him, and told him so. "Listen," he says, "I got women in the building bringing me food all the time, ringing my bell, asking me to brunch, dinner, lunch, coffee. I use the stairs - I avoid the elevator so I won't bump into them. You're a great lady, but please understand. I don't think I'll be calling you. I don't have the energy." It's a shame what they're putting him through. I feel sorry for him." - Edith, age 66.
"After my husband died, people wanted to fix me up. But I thought, At our age, who's there to go out with - someone who keeps his teeth in a glass? I finally went out with Edwin because I hoped for a nice dinner companion. All evening, he complained about his arthritis, his digestion, his gout. I thought, Who needs another person to take care of? I did all that for my husband, but we had forty years of history. Edwin asked if I'd travel with him. I thought travel would be nice. But do I really want to share a bathroom with this guy? I don't think so; that would give me much more information about him than I'd want." - Ida, age 73.
"Max declared that, if we got married, the percentage of money we each entered with should be our percentage of ownership all the way through. I couldn't see going through life with a calculator in my hands." - Ellie, age 32.
"What I learned from dating Janie is don't - I mean do NOT - get your teeth cleaned by a dental hygienist after you've stopped seeing her." - Jeff, age 34.
"Sue was a blind date. It was a disaster. At the end of the evening, she said, "Look, I don't feel bad that we didn't hit it off. I think it's good to go out with people I don't get along with from time to time. That way, when I'm home alone some Saturday night, I won't feel bad. I'll think, 'At least I'm not out with HIM.'" Truth is, the very next Saturday, I *did* think that. About HER." - Walter, age 33.
"What finally got to me about Norm was bee pollen. He used to carry vitamins with him whenever we went out. He had a ritual of lining up all his bottles and taking his pills, even in restaurants. Even on trips. We went to a country bed-and-breakfast for a weekend, and he forgot his bee pollen. Nothing would do if he couldn't get more, so we spent the whole morning searching for a health-food store that carried it. The nearest was about forty minutes away. By the time he found some and bought it, the day was over, along with the relationship." - Flora, age 44.
"His family wanted us to break up because we have different cultural backgrounds and different religions. They tried to bribe him with a trip to Europe or Hawaii. A new motorcycle. Money. Whatever he wanted. After we finally broke up, I saw him driving a Jag. At least I know what I was worth." - Theresa, age 27.
"Hector thought that somebody had to be the boss, and that the "somebody" had to be him. He forgot that I had veto power." - Lupe, age 25.
"Anytime I opened a kitchen cabinet, Barbara yelled, "What are you taking?!" God help me if I opened the refrigerator. This made me think that maybe she wouldn't be such a great life partner." - Marc, age 31.
"I broke up with Harriet and, suddenly, she's everywhere. The health club, the bar, the deli - every place I hang out. She's invaded my whole life. Taken it over. My friends talk to her, not me." - Moe, age 41.
"He stopped smoking for "us." One night, he lit up and took a big drag on a cigarette. That was his way of telling me it was over." - Amanda, age 26.
"I thought I was nuts about Angela until we got snowed in at her parents' country house for a weekend. We were stranded, in the dark. Sounds romantic. But it's amazing how quickly you can find out how little you have in common with someone. It's amazing how long forty-two hours and twenty-seven minutes can seem. It probably would have taken me six more months to realize how bored I was with her, but it would have seemed shorter." - Rick, age 31.
"Andrew was mad when I told him I didn't want to go out with him again. He said I'd regret it. For the next two weeks, I kept getting pizzas delivered to my door - at all hours. My sisters and I ate half of them, gave some away, froze the rest. I love pizza. I say, if that's your way of getting even, Andrew, knock yourself out." - Francine, age 43.
"I found out James was married. When I confronted him, he asked whether this meant that we couldn't see each other anymore!" - Whitney, age 29.
"When I asked what he did, Nick told me he stole cars. Ha ha, very funny, I thought. Okay, so he doesn't want to talk about work. But we had fun, went out a few more times. Then he suddenly stopped calling. I was hurt, to be dropped without a hint. Then I got a letter from jail." - Arlene, age 33.
Labels: 1998, bob, books, charlotte, cindy, drugs, flora, george, jeff, jeremy, kelly, kim, lisa, margaret, maxed-out tags limit, mel, peter, sue, tim, water
