Jack Bauer Facts!
I'll post these in parts of about 100 each, haha.
1. In poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at his opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.
2. Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
3. James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer doesn't need any licenses.
4. When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglasses. The next day, Chuck Norris pled guilty to multiple counts of tax evasion.
5. Jack Bauer once double-teamed a girl.. by himself.
6. Alone, tortured, chained, and on a cargo ship heading to a country of 1.6 billion potentially hostile Chinese... it must be Jack Bauer's birthday.
7. Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.
8. When Jack Bauer pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
9. If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
10. Every time you m*sturbate, Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you m*sturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
11. Dr. House once told Jack Bauer that House
could kick 24
's ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.
12. The only purpose of the airbag in Jack Bauer's car is to prevent the steering wheel from being damaged by Jack's face.
13. If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don't want to see what he's about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you're about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you've ever seen.
14. Guys take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called "Jack Bauer" by their girlfriends during sex.
15. No man has ever used the phrase "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel-
16. The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.
17. Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
18. What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
19. Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.
20. Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
21. Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in is the element of surprise.
22. Jack Bauer can touch MC Hammer.
23. Jack Bauer was able to eliminate bird flu by playing Duck Hunt
24. Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
25. Please forgive Kim Bauer for her imperfections. After all, she is half-human.
26. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
27. When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.
28. Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
29. Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
30. Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
31. Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
32. How many Jack Bauers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Jack Bauer can see in the dark.
33. Men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
34. Jack Bauer once went into a bar and asked for a 'Jack Bauer.' He received three shots of Jack Daniels, a shot of kerosene, and four shots of tequila mixed. Upon seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.
35. If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.
36. Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
37. If Jack Bauer was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, T.O. would have shut the hell up and just played.
38. If you walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.
39. Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
40. Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.
41. Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim. He teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.
42. Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
43. Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
44. Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident.
45. When Jack Bauer is looking for a good laugh, he watches Chuck Norris work out on his Total Gym.
46. Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
47. Jack Bauer picks up women by telling them, "You've read my file... you know what I am capable of."
48. In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called "OPERATION SWARMER" or, as Jack Bauer calls it, "casual Friday."
49. The only way to achieve immortality is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you."
50. Before accepting a job at CTU, remember that Jack Bauer has:
* Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
* Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
* Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
* Broken Tony's leg to escape lockdown
* Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
* Killed Ryan Chappelle
* Cut off Chase's arm
* Attacked Ronnie
* Knocked out Curtis
* Killed Curtis
* Attacked two security guards
* Knocked out a security guard
Now do you want to work at CTU?
51. Nathan Hale said, "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." Screw that, Jack Bauer is on his third.
52. The term "jacking off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes.
53. Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
54. Jack Bauer's dog put a sign on his fence that read "Beware of Jack."
55. Jack Bauer released episodes 1-4 of season 6 to the Internet a week ahead of schedule because no one holds back Jack Bauer.
56. Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
57. As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were: "There's no time!"
58. If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see. Fortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.
59. If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter. If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.
60. You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
61. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong that it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
62. Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
63. When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
64. Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
65. One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.
66. Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
67. On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back, and tell them to "grow up." Good times... good times.
68. If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
69. Jack Bauer doesn't do sequels because there is nothing he can't finish the first time.
70. If at first you don't succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.
71. Jack Bauer's action figure has slept with more women than most men.
72. When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
73. When Jack Bauer eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
74. When Jack Bauer drives the wrong way on a street, it becomes the right way.
75. Jack Bauer is the only person who can use a bath towel as a torture device.
76. Jack Bauer shoots first and... well, that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.
77. The Incredible Hulk once got so angry that it turned into Jack Bauer.
78. Oil and water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.
79. Jack Bauer smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his p*nis literally smokes.
80. Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the Internet for free.
81. When carpooling with Jack, never yell: "Shotgun!"
82. The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.
83. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
84. Jack Bauer is so well endowed that if he were on Prison Break
, the blueprints would all be tattooed around his p*nis.
85. Jack Bauer always wins in the game of Life
86. You know you're Jack Bauer's friend if he only shoots you in the thigh.
87. Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.
88. Jack Bauer didn't use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was getting too easy.
89. If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have the freedom to read, thank the veterans of WWII. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
90. Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.
91. Four out of five doctors agree that Jack Bauer can be hazardous to your health. The fifth doctor couldn't be found for comment.
92. When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run. But you'll only die tired.
93. Jack Bauer does not use doors. He makes his own.
94. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Jack Bauer will always kill you.
95. The United States government implemented Daylight Savings Time because Jack Bauer requested more overtime.
96. There are worse things in life than death. Jack Bauer can do all of them.
97. Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.
98. Jack Bauer was the only person in the Trojan Horse.
99. Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.
100. If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
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