Awarding quarters, experimental pickup music, stealing classes, Oscars

High-scoring words of the night:

QUARTE (450 points) - against Kate E. [two 5W]
GAWPED (100 points) - against Sandra K. [4W, 3L on W] {a good deficit-erasing word!}
AWARDING (664 points) - against Angela V. [3W, two 4W]


Teunis and I discussed fun musical software toys, anime, butter, pacing, Metallica on guitar, George Washington, pickups, violins / fiddles, experimental music, tea, mold, depression, thinking, hunger, noise, Alicia figuring out cryptic messages, boiling water, TWO FAT LADIES and cooking, RED DWARF, Cirque de Soleil, dragons, lions, WHISKEY GALORE, clips, being vague, Surrey / Richmond, and more. Interesting times once again!


Relevant Taiwan conversation:

[22:03:33] Flami: hope the class hires you.
[22:04:50] Corey: they already did, I'm just there to see what it's like before I start
[22:05:05] Corey: that's the weird thing about this place... I didn't do a demo, and I didn't watch classes, and they really never even saw or talked to me before hiring me...
[22:09:42] Flami: so how did they hear about you before hiring you? other than you or Jane telling them...
[22:14:08] Corey: well, I was apparently recommended by a member of the family that owns the whole chain (friend of Jane's friend)
[22:15:34] Corey: we tried there in March, with the same recommendation, and didn't get anywhere. that got us an instant interview there, but then they said they had to send everything to Taipei to get approval from the head office, and we never heard back. this time, Jane just called the head office directly and talked with them :P so they were already interested
[22:15:56] Corey: then Jane got her friend's friend to put in a good word again, and I think that must have helped this time, since we were dealing with the right people from the start
[22:16:38] Flami: hey, that's pretty good then!
[22:20:02] Corey: yeah, I hope so :P the teacher I met last night was friendly, but the staff there didn't seem to want to have much to do with me... I don't know if they just don't speak English much, or if they don't really like me
[22:21:01] Corey: when Jane talks to them, they say stuff like "oh well, we can give you more information after we find out which classes they'll take away from other teachers to give to Corey..." like I'm going in there to steal everyone's work or something... but if we ask the main office in Taipei about that, it's "no, we're not taking anything from other teachers"
[22:24:28] Flami: you're not going in there to steal everyone's classes away!
[22:25:38] Corey: well, presumably they just need a new teacher so they're hiring one.... so I wouldn't think I'm stealing classes :P supposedly like two teachers are leaving, so I'll get a bunch of classes
[22:29:02] Flami: there you go, then
[22:34:47] Corey: well, maybe they are taking classes away from someone. it's not like people here will tell you the truth about anything, so I don't know. I figure that's not my problem... I'm not actively telling them to get rid of anyone for me
[22:42:54] Flami: that's true...
[23:03:26] Corey: but it's kind of strange... the people that work there almost never really talk to me or anything
[23:04:37] Flami: maybe they were told not to talk to the foreign teachers?
[23:06:40] Corey: I don't think so... I think only one of them can really speak English. I don't really understand why so many people here spend so much time learning English, they're all terrified of USING it
[23:07:15] Corey: in the class last night, there was a girl who had pretty decent English who said she went to Australia, but she didn't really ever speak English there because she was too nervous to try
[23:07:39] Corey: so learn English for years, go to a foreign country, don't use it.... well, that made lots of sense, didn't it? :P
[23:09:05] Flami: you said it yourself... they're afraid of making mistakes for some reason (years of conditioning?)
[23:13:34] Corey: because Chinese people are crazy, basically. If you make a mistake, it's a horrible offense and you're going to be yelled at and called an idiot... even if you're just learning it... so they spend just an insane amount of time studying things, then they're afraid to do anything because they might not be perfect, and mean people might yell at them
[23:13:56] Corey: it's like a whole society of abused scared people
[23:14:34] Flami: definitely sounds like what my mother thinks :P
[23:22:42] Corey: in the end you shouldn't make a lot of mistakes, but if you're just learning something, of course you'll make mistakes... that's how you learn things...
[23:23:38] Flami: I know that, and you know that...
[23:23:53] Corey: I had a psychology teacher that liked to ask the class tons of questions, because he hoped a lot of us would get them wrong, not to force us to study a lot for the class. if you get something wrong, you don't usually like that, and the right answer is pretty much burned into your memory because you don't want to repeat your mistake, so do it in class and learn it easily :P


Trivia fact for Wednesday, Sept. 15: What actor has won three Oscars - all of them for films for which his leading lady won Best Actress honors? Jack Nicholson. He won Best Actor for One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in 1976, when Louise Fletcher won Best Actress; he won Best Supporting Actor for Terms of Endearment in 1984, when Shirley MacLaine won Best Actress; and he won Best Actor for As Good As It Gets in 1998, when Helen Hunt won Best Actress.

Raising a "phooey!" at safe straws, Jermain, familiar faces, cackling, and velociraptors!

High-scoring words of the night:

RAISERS (200 points; 5W, two 2W; a good deficit-erasing word!), MAYORS (650 points; 2W, two 5W) - against Bernice A. [5W, two 2W]
SPOOFS (420 points; two 4W), MOSEY (104 points; 4W, 2W, hook off LOOFA to make EL / YO) - against Millie F.
STRAW (167 points) - against Joyce H. [two 4W, hook off LAB for a plural]
SAFER (140 points) - against Anita F. [2W, 5W] {a good deficit-erasing word!}
PHOOEY (680 points) - against Cathy T. [4W, 5W, 2W]


Jermain Moody tried adding me on Facebook; just because I "know" you from Wordscraper does NOT mean that I'll add you! Nathan says next Wednesday works for him in terms of the birthday / farewell dinner. He wants to invite White Eric, Christon, and Danielle as familiar faces... we'll see what happens.


I have two new icons!



(makes me think of Mandy - a_phoenixdragon - haha!)

Trivia fact for Tuesday, Sept. 7: What have scientists determined was inaccurate about the physical appearance of the terrifying velociraptors in the 1993 sci-fi chiller Jurassic Park? They should have had feathers. In 2007, paleontologists reported that they found quill knobs - where feathers had been anchored - on a velociraptor fossil forearm unearthed in Mongolia in 1998.

"I'm immune to drugs, and I've been deprived of the high school experience!"

Figures that the computer would restart about twenty minutes after Teunis left to go to the storage locker and that pirate party! This is the last installment of the David Shaler Saga. There was some stuff on a Facebook discussion board for our high school, but he deleted it way back in October 2007. :(

We were talking through messages about his remembering everything...

For my memory, it is * A LOT* of information to store. It's a burden. I call it mind clutter. Can you just imagine the amount of energy I must be producing to have such an incredible memory recall. I wonder if that energy can explain the telepathy and visions of the future? We use 10% of our minds. Maybe I'm using 11% ... Who knows what the mind is capable of.

I'm also immune to drugs. I have gene duplications of CYP2D6 and CYP2C19; as well, my serotonin transporter is in the s/l form. I am what is considered an ultra-rapid metabolizer of drugs metabolized by CYP2D6. I thought this explains why I am immune to drugs; but, I've been doing some research and it seems that although I would require higher doses of some drugs, it doesn't explain how drugs don't seem to work, period! I can take 100 Tylenol with Codeine a day. I can take 12 tabs of Ecstasy, and it's like a cup of coffee. I can take 15 OxyContins and it's nothing more than candy to my body.

Marijuana barely works, and at 5'4" weighing only 120 pounds, I can drink everyone under the table. I tried magic mushrooms for the first time Sunday night; 4 grams did absolutely nothing to me. People think it's great I'm "immune" to drugs, that I don't even have the option to get high or stoned; but, I also don't have an option for pain relief. Morphine does nothing to me. Anesthesia doesn't keep me asleep. Mushrooms have no connection to CYP2D6 so I should have experienced something; 4 grams was more then enough and I've never tried those before.

Another thing I just learned is that Codeine works differently. The body converts Codeine into Morphine, so the faster the Codeine is metabolized, the higher dose of Morphine I am getting in my body. So, with my gene duplications, I shouldn't be able to take 100 Tylenol; half of one should be ample.

People can think whatever they want of me; but, I want the drugs for more than just pain relief. I have been in pain my entire life, I haven't been able to stop moving in 30 years; I deserve to be able to get stoned. As crazy as it may sound, what marijuana does to everyone else is the exact medicine I need.

There are nearly 8000 rare diseases, and 1 in 10 Canadians is walking around unaware that they are sick with an invisible illness. That's 1 in 10 Canadians chalking it up to being just how they are. It's actually very difficult to knock that wall down because you know no other way, and then you have to undergo a massive identity crisis as you come to terms with the fact that maybe you didn't have to be that way for so long.

You wouldn't believe the lectures I've gotten. Geez. I thought the world was more progressive than this. I was robbed of the high school experience and that's an open wound that will never heal. It's also so tough remembering everything like it was yesterday. I don't feel the passage of time. I'll bump into someone from way back, and they look so old, and it feel like I went to sleep and everyone was young. Then when I opened my eyes again, it's 17 years later. Not to mention I am physically 10 years younger than everyone else, so I feel this weird age difference that's not actually there.

What do you make of all this... any theories? I need something plausible to take into a doctor, otherwise I know where that will go. I can't even think of what to search for on Google.

I learned that drugs are drugs. It doesn't matter if they're illegal or prescription, if they'll do what you need them to do, then what does it matter? People can get addicted and just as messed up on prescriptions like OxyContin or Vicodin. I was using Ecstasy in January. I was in so much pain I wanted to commit suicide. Ecstasy, although it merely felt like a cup of coffee without the jitteriness, it helped keep those nasty thoughts away. You wouldn't believe the slack for that. Hahaha! It did what I needed it to do.

All the symptoms that can be categorized as weird have to be connected to one cause or illness. I wouldn't have all these random things that were so weird. I'm accepted into the genetics program at UBC; but, it could be a year before my appointment. The purpose is to find out the type of Ehlers-Danlos that I have. I just don't want to wait that long to start inquiring. I want to get drunk, damnit! Hahahaha! Where's House when you need him?

You know... of all the problems I could have ever dreamed of having when I was younger, not being able to get drunk, high, and stoned was definitely not something I ever could have imagined in my wildest dreams.

... and Mr. Chapell freaked out about Bart Simpson t-shirts. LOL! Who'd ever imagine going through puberty at 26? Sometimes I think I'm just not destined to live a normal life.

There's nothing I have worked harder for than to be normal and to have a boring mundane life. But, as for someone who saw a kid go splat like a bug on the windshield of a minivan in front of Palmer, I have a feeling the cosmic forces of the universe won't cooperate. That was 1998. Some kid who just graduated high school did a jump off the curb on his bike and flew strait into a minivan.

If the dresscode banned blue bowling bags, then there'd be problems, eh? Remember we both went back to visit Palmer the following September at the same time. We saw Ms. Tijman.

But, why? I don't remember a school dress code in grade 10; I probably just wasn't paying attention because it didn't affect me. I do remember the last few months of grade 10, they started renovating the school; they started painting, and they were testing out a new intercom system with all these silly ringing sounds, and there were all sorts of glitches.

Bare shoulders being riskee is so funny because it's just so tame compared to today. I remember in the mid 90s when the big thing was to have your jeans hanging halfway down your waste with your boxers showing. Now, *THAT* was fashion! I didn't join in. I decided to show my age, and keep my underpants hidden.

No wait... I'm beginning to remember something. I don't remember the dress code; but, I remember sitting in homeroom thinking that I didn't like what I was hearing and if this is was a sign of things to come, I was glad to be getting out of there when I was.

I'll send you bologna to tell you it's over!

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

Travelin' Music

"After our first date, Lou followed me around like a stray puppy. He'd ask me out WEEKS in advance, and he'd ask me out again and again even if I'd turned him down thirty times in a row. It wasn't clear, after thirty-three turn-downs in a row, that the woman wasn't interested. Finally, I insisted that I wouldn't see him anymore - ever. He sent flowers and balloons, and hired an accordion player to serenade my condo." - Keara, age 32.

"Bob was too good to be true; he flattered me constantly. I thought he was in love with me. We went out every Saturday night for a month - until he slipped up and raved about a movie we'd seen the week before, except that I'd never seen it. Turns out he was dating six other women, one for every day of the week, doing a number on all of us. He asked me what I was so upset about because I had Saturday nights, which were prime time... the others would KILL for that spot!" - Sharon, age 39.

"We were at a party with a gypsy reading palms. The gypsy told her that she was soon going to meet the man of her dreams, and that she shouldn't get involved because it would lead to complications when he showed up. So she broke up with me, then and there." - Dave, age 32.

"Within the first five minutes, she told me that she could sense the possibility of having a relationship with her date. And the answer, in my case, was no. So she didn't want me to waste money and time on dinner; why didn't we just have a drink and say goodbye? I thanked her for her candor and suggested that, as long as we were economizing, we should also skip the drink." - Maury, age 34.

"I sent him ten pounds of bologna. I thought that spoke for itself." - Mona, age 28.

"See, I'd had such bad experiences with blind dates, that, when I saw that Sean wasn't a complete disaster, I was ecstatic. Jubilant. So jubilant that I went out with him for about two months before it sank in that we had absolutely nothing in common. If not for the initial relief following the dread of the blind date, I'd never have gone to COFFEE with him." - Pam, age 27.

"She told me she tips her doorman to give her signals when he calls to announce her dates. If he thinks the guy's bad news, he gives her a coded message like "Angela isn't back yet, is she?" or "Did Angie leave any messages for a gentleman caller?" Then she knows not to bother. But she told me I'd made the cut; the doorman must like me. The doorman was very protective of her. He called as soon as I got in the apartment to see how she was doing. They chatted. I cut out, suggested that she go out with the doorman." - Wayne, age 32.

"When I met him, I was driving my brother's '63 Mustang. It was the car he wanted, not me. It's all he could talk about. When he found out it wasn't mine, it was all over." - Brenda, age 25.

"He was so UGLY, I couldn't resist him. He had such rugged animal TEXTURE. But when push came to shove, I was afraid to get too serious. What if our kids looked like him?" - Sybil, age 27.

"I told her I didn't want to get involved, so I thought we should cool it for a while. She took it well, better than I thought she would. She didn't cry or even look depressed. She just wanted to know if, since I wasn't going to take her out anymore, would I mind fixing her up with one of my buddies - Joe especially, but if Joe wasn't interested, Matt would do." - Keith, age 26.

"Meg told me she used to drop her pants for every man who said she was cute. But, no more. Not with AIDS out there. She said she asks herself, "Is he worth the risk?" and that the answer is always, always, no. So that, basically, was that." - Harry, age 27.

"I was determined to be gentle about ending our relationship so I wouldn't hurt her too badly. I rehearsed for days. I was going to tell her it was my fault, not hers. That I had problems with commitment and didn't deserve a woman like her. That she was too good for me. I didn't want her to cry or fall apart. Finally, I called, and, before I could open my mouth, she said, "Look, Bill. I don't want to see you anymore. You've got problems with commitment. You don't deserve a woman like me. I'm too good for you." It didn't go as planned - it sounded different when she said it. So I told her a few things that bothered me about her as well. There was some shouting involved. I said more than I'd planned. All that rehearsing for nothing." - Bill, age 40.

"Sid and I broke up because he wanted me to wear high, over-the-knee patent leather boots, and I wouldn't. That was the last straw. He complained if I didn't wear makeup, and always felt free to critique my clothes. He asked me to change my outfit almost every time we went out. I finally told him I'd had enough. And, as long as we were on the subject, I informed him that his nose hairs hung out, and that most doorknobs had less glass than his pinkie ring." - Phyllis, age 46.

"I forgot about our date. She thought I'd stood her up. The next morning, I find twenty pounds of potatoes and zucchinis dumped in front of my door. I couldn't go out without stepping over a mountain of potatoes. I thought this was a great way to express herself. The best way anybody's ever used to tell me to get lost. I asked her out again, in fact. But she wouldn't go." - Peter, age 33.

"After dating Brad for six months, I told him that I wanted to get married. He told me that that was impossible, because he already was." - Yvonne, age 31.

"He liked blondes. I was a brunette. So I dyed my hair. He liked small noses; mine was big. I had it fixed. He liked skinny girls. I had a breast reduction and went on a diet. He didn't like condoms; I took the pill. He had no more excuses. I'd become his dream. He decided he likes short girls. I'm five foot nine." - Claire, age 30.

"I was nuts about Harvey, and made the mistake of telling him. He didn't call me for two years. When he called, he acted like no time had passed, as if we were still going together. He asked if I'd go away with him for the weekend. I didn't mention anything about his behavior, our relationship, or my new boyfriend. I just asked him if I could bring the baby. I could actually hear him gulp. He started stuttering, and pretended he had to take another call. I don't actually HAVE a baby, but he doesn't know that." - Sydney, age 31.

"Joe left a message on my voicemail, telling me I should check myself for crabs. That was the last I heard from him. He didn't dare call again." - Wendy, age 24.

"The only thing he saw in me was that I couldn't care less about him. I never even thought about him; that drove him nuts. When he called, I never recognized his voice; he found that captivating. He said that there was something irresistible about a woman who didn't give a hoot. I said that was crazy and I wouldn't see him anymore; he asked if I'd move in with him." - Abbey, age 33.

"We were having supper at her place and who drops by but her ex. He's annoyed about something she said to somebody, and they start arguing. I finish my drink. I finish hers. I have another. They don't notice me. It's like I'm invisible. I doze on the sofa, watch some TV. They're standing behind me, yelling about who paid for the television. I got myself a beer for the road, and they were still at it when I let myself out." - Kenneth, age 30.

"He didn't want a confrontation, so he left me a note on my windshield. It told me not to be upset; there were plenty of fish in the sea. So I went to the fish store, wrapped a red ribbon around a dead trout, and had a kid from work deliver it to his office with a note telling him to enjoy. He loved it, and called to thank me. He thought it was serious, a friendly way to end. He didn't get it." - Evelyn, age 31.

"Terri sent me a CD of Christian rock songs with a note telling me she hoped I'd see the light and find Jesus. She said otherwise she'd miss me, since I was going to go to hell." - Clay, age 26.

"After our second date, James told me that he was actually bisexual, and since I wasn't interested in my ex-husband anymore, would I mind if he called him?" - Autumn, age 38.

"Max approached me at a friend's party, saying: "This may sound crazy, but I feel as if I already know you. It's as if I'm going to marry you." It did sound crazy, but I spent the evening with him. We stayed out until three, and when he took me home, he proposed. I told him we'd sleep on it. Max stayed on my sofa. When I woke up the next morning, I found no Max, just a note from my roommate. She said she hoped I'd understand, but she'd run off with him. Seems Max told her that he felt as if he already knew her, as if he was going to marry her." - Lorene, age 41.

"When we broke up, we were both ready to split. But he had to act like it was all HIS decision. He said, "Sorry, babe. You just don't knock my socks off." Well, maybe not his socks, but I'd certainly done a number on the rest of his clothes." - Debbie, age 27.

"He showed up on my doorstep the morning after our first date. He said: "Don't take this the wrong way, but going out with you showed me that I really want to be with my ex." Not that anything was wrong with me, mind you, just that our date made him realize how much he missed her. He said, "I don't want you to be waiting for me to call, and wondering what happened." He thanked me, kissed me, gave me a box of chocolates. What a charming guy." - Beth, age 37.

Getting pizza delivered is your way of getting even?

I've finished my Visual Bookshelf stuff for now, so that's good. Only took a couple of hours!

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

Travelin' Music

"Dating is just like shopping for hats. You try on hundreds, but reject most. It takes a while till you find just the right one." - Jenny, age 24.

"She told me she didn't like mustaches. I shaved. She told me she didn't like jewelry. I stopped wearing chains. She told me my hair was too shaggy. I got it cut. She told me I dressed too flashy. I bought new clothes. She told me she didn't like my cat. That was it." - Mel, age 47.

"When I tried to break up with him, Leonard begged me to keep going out with him. "Give it time," he whimpered. "It'll get better." As if our relationship was a virus." - Cindy, age 23.

"I finally told one man, in no uncertain terms, not to call anymore. That night, he came over with a dish of homemade English trifle. He said that I'd told him not to call, but I didn't say not to come over!" - Gena, age 34.

"After I told him I didn't want to see him anymore, he kept leaving messages on my answering machine, pleading with me to call him. Telling me how he felt about me, how I made his life complete, balanced him, how he dreamed about me, wanted to take me here or there, do this or that to my body. He read poetry to my voice mail. Sang love songs. Pleaded, begged, cried. Completely humiliated himself. He kept on that way for two years. Finally, he met somebody else, and now I kind of miss him. I got used to having his messages. I counted on them." - Fran, age 24.

"Peter broke up by innuendo. He was late for dates, called me by the wrong name. Talked about newly released movies he'd seen that I hadn't. I hadn't seen the movies, but I got the picture." - Meg, age 30.

"We were in bed, talking. And the conversation turned controversial. I guess I took the wrong side of the sexual harassment issue, because - before I could say Anita Hill - I was out in the hallway, holding my shoes." - Tim, age 32.

"Carl mentioned that he'd met a girl who looked just like Pamela Anderson. "That's nice," I said. Or something like that. He said no more. I realized that he thought he'd told me something important. Apparently, he thought that meeting someone who looked like Pamela Anderson spoke for itself. What would he want with a regular person anymore?" - Camille, age 23.

"Bottom line, I couldn't get serious about a man with no elastic in his socks." - Lisa, age 36.

"She told me that when she was with me, she was out of control, too attracted. She said it wasn't my fault, but I was bad for her. She couldn't be herself around me, couldn't resist the urge to cling. She said that dating me was like taking a plunge headfirst in a swan dive, knowing there's no water in the pool. Now what am I supposed to think about that?" - Cliff, age 28.

"We had a fight and broke up. He'd left his laundry at my house. The next day, I dumped it on his desk. He called to thank me for doing his wash. Obviously, he didn't care that his underwear had been sitting on his desk for all the world to see. I did get some satisfaction, though, from knowing that he assumed I'd washed it - knowing that, for the next five or six days, he'd be wearing dirty underwear." - Mayebelle, age 33.

"He took me to dinner and asked, by candlelight, if I wanted children. I said, "Yes." He asked me if I wanted to get married. Tears in my eyes, I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, you and I want different things. I don't want to hold you back." I thought he was proposing; he thought he was breaking up with me." - Cathy, age 26.

"At the ballet, Brendan told me that he wanted a ballerina. I wasn't a ballerina. That was pretty much the end of it." - Kimberly, age 22.

"Everett gave a whole speech about how it wasn't me, it was him. I was great. He just wasn't ready to settle down. I was perfect; he was immature. This was our second date. Count 'em: one, two. There was nothing to break up FROM. But apparently, this was his idea of a long-term relationship." - Emma, age 27.

"Gene assured me that I shouldn't worry about him - there was always a fresh supply of younger women, so he'd never run out of partners. But he said he was concerned that I'd have a problem because, as we aged, eligible men would be in shorter and shorter supply. It was his duty, therefore, to give me a chance to catch one before it was too late." - Margaret, age 45.

"Ashleigh listened to Michael Bolton all day, all night. Enough said?" - Wesley, age 29.

"She told me that she was breaking up with me because she thought I was going to break up with her. Basically, she said she was ending it before I did, so I wouldn't. I hadn't thought of ending anything, but she wasn't interested; why would she believe a man who wouldn't even admit he was going to break up with her?" - Bob, age 23.

"Kelly told me she wanted a down-to-earth guy who'd take care of things for her. This image did not suit me. I told her she'd be better off with a contractor." - Gary, age 33.

"I had to dump him before he dumped me. If you see it's going nowhere, it's much better for your head to dump rather than get dumped, assuming you like the guy. And, if you do it right, dumping him might get his attention, turn things around. Of course, if you DON'T like a guy, well, you can afford to let him dump you. You can give him all kinds of trouble and, generously, let him be the one to call it off." - Jade, age 28.

"I put up with the toupee as long as I could. He was always checking mirrors, afraid it would slip, blow, tilt, show. Car windows had to be closed. He wouldn't go near a fan, wouldn't swim, ride in a boat or a convertible, ski, or ride a horse, a carousel, or a Ferris wheel. He wouldn't do anything that might jeopardize his rug. The rug determined his whole life and, eventually, even who he dated. As in: not me." - Gwen, age 47.

"We'd been going out for two years. Gary took me to dinner and told me that he had news: He'd met a great girl. Like, what was I, chopped liver? A few months later, he called from a car phone, asked what was I up to, and said that, well, he had to go, couldn't chat, was in the limo on the way to his wedding. Then, a few days later, he called from his honeymoon. "Char," he said, and he sounded desperate, "I think I've made a terrible mistake." He still calls, asks to see me. I tell him not on a silver platter, that if he comes over, I'll leave. Imagine. He met "a great girl." Indeed." - Charlotte, age 31.

"I'm sixty-seven years old, and George had me sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring. How undignified. Marriage is one thing; dating's quite another - you have no authority. I had to call it off." - Luella, age 67.

"We'd had an argument at dinner. He told me I was jealous and possessive; I told him he was superficial and immature. Believe me, he couldn't drive fast enough on the way home. The whole way, we didn't say a word. That is, until we hit the deer. The thing shattered the windshield and battered his car before hobbling off into the woods. I told him he was lucky he didn't kill us, and our argument started all over again, even though he had to drive with his head out the window. When we got to my place, I got out as fast as I could. The car was still rolling when I slammed the door." - Sophie, age 30.

"I like to spend time with Bess, but our conversations are often lacking. I have trouble with my hearing, and she has trouble with her memory. So she tells me to remind her of things, but I don't hear what it is I'm supposed to remind her. I ask her to repeat herself, and she can't remember what it was she just said. We get along, though. We have a good time." - Abe, age 85.

"After dating Harry, all I can say is never, and I mean NEVER let anyone take your picture with your clothes off." - Molly, age 26.

"Jeremy is seventy; I'm sixty-six. We're both widowed. We went out and had a spectacular time, but then he didn't call again. I ran into him in the lobby of our building, and he looked exhausted. I was worried about him, and told him so. "Listen," he says, "I got women in the building bringing me food all the time, ringing my bell, asking me to brunch, dinner, lunch, coffee. I use the stairs - I avoid the elevator so I won't bump into them. You're a great lady, but please understand. I don't think I'll be calling you. I don't have the energy." It's a shame what they're putting him through. I feel sorry for him." - Edith, age 66.

"After my husband died, people wanted to fix me up. But I thought, At our age, who's there to go out with - someone who keeps his teeth in a glass? I finally went out with Edwin because I hoped for a nice dinner companion. All evening, he complained about his arthritis, his digestion, his gout. I thought, Who needs another person to take care of? I did all that for my husband, but we had forty years of history. Edwin asked if I'd travel with him. I thought travel would be nice. But do I really want to share a bathroom with this guy? I don't think so; that would give me much more information about him than I'd want." - Ida, age 73.

"Max declared that, if we got married, the percentage of money we each entered with should be our percentage of ownership all the way through. I couldn't see going through life with a calculator in my hands." - Ellie, age 32.

"What I learned from dating Janie is don't - I mean do NOT - get your teeth cleaned by a dental hygienist after you've stopped seeing her." - Jeff, age 34.

"Sue was a blind date. It was a disaster. At the end of the evening, she said, "Look, I don't feel bad that we didn't hit it off. I think it's good to go out with people I don't get along with from time to time. That way, when I'm home alone some Saturday night, I won't feel bad. I'll think, 'At least I'm not out with HIM.'" Truth is, the very next Saturday, I *did* think that. About HER." - Walter, age 33.

"What finally got to me about Norm was bee pollen. He used to carry vitamins with him whenever we went out. He had a ritual of lining up all his bottles and taking his pills, even in restaurants. Even on trips. We went to a country bed-and-breakfast for a weekend, and he forgot his bee pollen. Nothing would do if he couldn't get more, so we spent the whole morning searching for a health-food store that carried it. The nearest was about forty minutes away. By the time he found some and bought it, the day was over, along with the relationship." - Flora, age 44.

"His family wanted us to break up because we have different cultural backgrounds and different religions. They tried to bribe him with a trip to Europe or Hawaii. A new motorcycle. Money. Whatever he wanted. After we finally broke up, I saw him driving a Jag. At least I know what I was worth." - Theresa, age 27.

"Hector thought that somebody had to be the boss, and that the "somebody" had to be him. He forgot that I had veto power." - Lupe, age 25.

"Anytime I opened a kitchen cabinet, Barbara yelled, "What are you taking?!" God help me if I opened the refrigerator. This made me think that maybe she wouldn't be such a great life partner." - Marc, age 31.

"I broke up with Harriet and, suddenly, she's everywhere. The health club, the bar, the deli - every place I hang out. She's invaded my whole life. Taken it over. My friends talk to her, not me." - Moe, age 41.

"He stopped smoking for "us." One night, he lit up and took a big drag on a cigarette. That was his way of telling me it was over." - Amanda, age 26.

"I thought I was nuts about Angela until we got snowed in at her parents' country house for a weekend. We were stranded, in the dark. Sounds romantic. But it's amazing how quickly you can find out how little you have in common with someone. It's amazing how long forty-two hours and twenty-seven minutes can seem. It probably would have taken me six more months to realize how bored I was with her, but it would have seemed shorter." - Rick, age 31.

"Andrew was mad when I told him I didn't want to go out with him again. He said I'd regret it. For the next two weeks, I kept getting pizzas delivered to my door - at all hours. My sisters and I ate half of them, gave some away, froze the rest. I love pizza. I say, if that's your way of getting even, Andrew, knock yourself out." - Francine, age 43.

"I found out James was married. When I confronted him, he asked whether this meant that we couldn't see each other anymore!" - Whitney, age 29.

"When I asked what he did, Nick told me he stole cars. Ha ha, very funny, I thought. Okay, so he doesn't want to talk about work. But we had fun, went out a few more times. Then he suddenly stopped calling. I was hurt, to be dropped without a hint. Then I got a letter from jail." - Arlene, age 33.

Creating fire inside the microwave! / How dare you ransack my bathroom?!

I just accidentally tried microwaving foil from the BP garlic bread bag. Thank goodness the microwave emitted annoying noises that I couldn't stand anymore after about ten seconds! Creating fire is probably not something I should attempt to do, accident or not.

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

Undercover Investigations

"Gary had so much sex appeal that I was unable to think of anything but sex in his presence. My brain was muddled. I couldn't talk, focus, or think. My only hope was to get it over with and have sex with him. Once the sex was over, I could be normal again. For a while, anyway." - Jane, age 23.

"It was the first time we went to bed together. I took off my clothes and lay down on the bed. He lay down beside me and whispered, "You're so beautiful." I glowed, basking in his appreciation. Then he continued, "You have the body of a twelve-year-old boy." " - Helene, age 31.

"We were in bed, his place, first time. I reached my hand under the pillow, and guess what? He still sleeps with his little blue blankie." - Paula, age 26.

"When I first reached my hand into Ron's pants, I found a sock. The man had wrapped his penis in a sock. What? To keep it warm? To make his pants bulge? To cradle it? To soak up stuff in case it leaked? What?" - Carolyn, age 24.

"For weeks, I'd been moving in on Darlene, and I mean she had some body. But when I finally got my hand inside her blouse, I got a fistful of cotton. I was a little mad; I felt she'd been dishonest with me. Set up false expectations." - Daryl, age 24.

"Her bedroom shelves were lined with X-rated magazines and sex toys: handcuffs, dildos, some halter-type things with chains attached. I didn't know what half the stuff was. Didn't wait to find out." - Hector, age 23.

"She apologized that she was technically a virgin and intended to stay that way until she got married. I was thinking, Oh no... I don't want to mess with her if she's so innocent. Then she took over and did things to my body that no woman had ever done. But she's still a virgin. Technically." - Chris, age 24.

"He moved closer to me and whispered, "I've never been to bed with a black woman before." As far as I know, he still hasn't." - Jade, age 28.

"We're going to bed for the first time, and he whispers in my ear: "I don't prefer intercourse." What does that mean? I'm thinking, He likes bondage? Strangulation? What? The first time, you never know what you're getting into, who the guy is. I'm thinking maybe he's a serial killer, that he "prefers" murder. I'm trying to figure out how to get away, or how to grab the phone to dial 911 when he continues. Turns out he likes oral sex." - Stacey, age 23.

"First date, dinner at his place - a studio apartment. There were about a couple dozen condom wrappers in the wastebasket. Not that I counted them. But, having seen that, trust me, I wasn't inclined to add any more trash to the pile." - Andrea, age 26.

"Not even 6 AM, we're in the act, and his phone rings. It's a business call from some guy who has a meeting later that day. Paul takes the call, talks about faxes and reports, and cites statistics without losing his rhythm or pausing for a beat. I guess business really turns him on." - Ginger, age 36.

"When he left the next morning, I went into my bathroom to take a shower. It looked like Attila the Hun had just ransacked it, a tornado swept through it, a bomb had gone off in it. I'm not talking about the toilet seat being up. I'm talking about water everywhere - or other liquids. On the toilet seat, all over the countertops. Soaking towels and washcloths all over the floor, hair in the soap, stubble and spit-out toothpaste in the sink. And the worst part is that he used my razor and my TOOTHBRUSH. They were lying on the counter in a puddle of soggy tissues." - Naomi, age 27.

"After we'd made love, James thanked me and said he'd been afraid he might be gay. He hadn't been with a woman in two years, and then it had been awful. Lately, a gay guy had been hitting on him and he needed to find out for sure if he was straight or not. He thanked me profusely for helping him figure it out. But, come to think of it, he didn't tell me WHAT he'd figured out." - Sunny, age 23.

"Dottie had tattoos all over her body - well, all over the part that didn't show when she was dressed." - C.J., age 23.

"Lying next to me in bed, she bragged that she'd had just about everything tailored. What did I think of her breasts - didn't they seem natural? And her tummy, and her thighs? She suggested I call the guy, to get the bags removed from under my eyes." - Keith, age 48.

"There was nothing about this woman that was original. I mean, her body was a testament to the wonders of modern science. Still, you had to wonder what the kids would look like if you got serious." - Jake, age 28.

"She explained that she only went to bed with younger men, and that she was only interested in a sexual relationship. She'd only go with men between the ages of 19 and 30, at the peak of their sexuality. She wanted beef. For companionship and conversation, she'd rather hang out with her woman friends." - Marty, age 22.

"Ed slept in a nightgown. It wasn't lacy or anything like that. It was flannel. And only to mid-calf. But still." - Ellen, age 32.

"Julie's mother called while we were in bed. She not only answered the phone, she talked to her mother while we were in the act. And she managed both activities quite well. It was a little disappointing, though, to hear her tell her mom that nothing was new and she wasn't doing anything special." - Walter, age 28.

"Doug worried about his body. Was his stomach flat enough? Was his back too hairy? What about his abs? How did he compare to other men I'd been with?" - Greta, age 35.

"Rita wasn't just passive. I had to wonder if she was dead, or just waiting for it to be over. I didn't worry that I was keeping her awake - I wasn't." - Moe, age 34.

"John never took his socks off. Ever. Well, maybe when he was alone. He must have in the shower. But, in my presence, he refused to bare his feet, even when everything else was swinging in the breeze. He said they got cold. But I wonder: Does he have six toes? Webbed feet? Foot fungus? What?" - Doreen, age 29.

"Mitch told me that he had a low sperm count, so I didn't have to worry about getting pregnant. He was very proud of the fact that, without using birth control. none of his forty or so former girlfriends had ever gotten pregnant. That was about it for our sexual relationship." - Jennifer, age 28.

"Let's just say that there were things he wouldn't do. In fact, if the man could have found a pair of rubber gloves, he would have worn them to bed." - Taiesha, age 28.

"He breathed in my ear that he'd like to kiss anything that bends, that he liked the feeling of flesh closing around his mouth. He asked if he could nibble the inside of my elbows, kiss my wrists. When I told him to get away from my armpits, he smiled and asked if maybe he could travel down behind my knee?" - Gwen, age 29.

"As we were in the act, Roy asked if I'd ever had sex using food. He said he'd been to the farmer's market and had great veggies. He seemed disappointed when I turned him down." - Lois, age 43.

"After we made love, he told me that he was relieved because he hadn't had sex with a woman before. What did that mean? That his other partners had been males? Animals? Inflatables? What?" - Helene, age 37.

"When he asked me out the third time, Doug said, "You know what I'm REALLY asking, don't you? I mean, this will be our third date. And you know what THAT means." I suspected that I did, but I didn't want to, and I made sure that I never would." - Tobi, age 31.

"We're in the act. The first time. Suddenly, just as I'm about to come, he rolls off me and says, "No. This shouldn't be happening. In fact, it isn't happening. Neither one of us had an orgasm, so it's like it never existed." And he bounces out of bed, gets dressed, leaves me lying there on the verge. I was ready to kill him. When he gets home, he calls and says if I'll give him another chance, this time he won't take advantage of me. I'm wondering what's going on? Hello?" - Serena, age 30.

"She has animals - a cat, a dog. The cat sleeps on her pillow, the dog on her feet. There's no room, really, for me. I tried to carve out a spot, but it was scary. They're very territorial." - Eric, age 27.

"He called it Edgar, like it was a different person, and he wasn't responsible for it in any way. "Edgar wants to talk to you." He'd wake me up and say, "I didn't do it - it was Edgar." It was cute at first, but then it got pretty schizy." - Antoinette, age 30.

"When I asked him to stay over, Robert told me that he didn't do sex, that he'd personally overcome his sexual drives and achieved a higher plane. He hoped we could attain a pure, clean relationship at that level." - Connie, age 46.

"Her dog watched us when we made love. Like a jealous boyfriend. It was more than a little inhibiting." - Derek, age 37.

"Jim was sound asleep, snoring on my sofa - until he missed the last train home. Then he was suddenly wide awake, frisky as a pup. And horny as a ram. I told him to stay on the sofa, and I had to lock my bedroom door. He told me I was cruel. When I got up in the morning, he was lying under a sheet, showing me how it resembled a tent, held up by a stake in the middle." - Kimberly, age 30.

"It was not an excellent indicator when, right before we went to bed for the first time, he said: "It's not the size, right? It's what you do with it. Right?" " - Laurie, age 29.

"All of a sudden, Andrew screamed - this piercing, pained shriek, right in my ear. I thought someone had stabbed hi, or maybe he was having an attack of some kind. Turned out it was just a climax. But I was afraid to go to bed with him again. I didn't want to shatter an eardrum." - Caryn, age 25.

"Donna and her girlfriend had some kind of phone signals when they went on dates. So, starting about 10, the friend started calling to make sure Donna was okay, and she called every fifteen minutes. Donna didn't answer because we were busy in bed. After the fourth or fifth call, the friend panicked and rushed over to Donna's, using a spare key. She and two of their pals came flying into the room. There we are, butt naked. They started screaming. Donna started screaming. Scared the living hell out of me." - Dave, age 27.

"Eugene explained that he believed that romantic love could only be achieved through celibacy. He asked if I'd meditate with him to achieve spiritual unity." - Joellyn, age 32.

"Kyle kept pawing me anyplace we were in public. Like he was telling the world, "Look what I'VE got." He wanted to make love in parking lots, movies, the public library. When we were alone, he didn't touch me." - Sally, age 24.

"Bob told me that doing it in his car made him feel like he was back in high school. It gave him that excitement of doing something naughty and dangerous. So there we were: oldies on the radio, the steering wheel in my ribs. Just like in high school. And the cops came. They busted us, just like in high school." - Wendy, age 25.

Killer sea creatures and Stanley Kubrick protagonists

Bingo of the night so far:

CORSAIRS (98 points) - against Alice P.

High-scoring words of the night so far:

MONDOS (116 points; 2W, 5W, hook off WELFARE for a plural), ANTISEX (110 points; 5W) - against Lyn M.
JAKE (395 points) - against Mark S. [5W, two 2W, hook off HI to make AHI]
TIPTOES (104 points) - against Jan S. [2W, 4W]
STUNS (163 points) - against Leah D. [two 5W, hook off AXE for a plural] (a good deficit-erasing word!)
ARMING (100 points) - against Leah D. [5W, 2W] (different game) (a good deficit-erasing word!)
YOGA (156 points) - against Nancy L. [5W, 2W]
GIFT (100 points) - against Carrie P. [2W, 5W]
REPEAT (160 points) - against Shelley R.-B. [two 4W]

Facebook quizzes taken from Kelly, Angela B., Steve L., and Gretchen:

Leslie completed the quiz "What Sort Of "I don't give a fuck I'll eat you" Killer Aquatic Creature Are You?" with the result Bat Shit Crazy Shark. These motherfuckers don't give a FUCK. They will munch your shit up entirely. On the real.

Leslie completed the quiz "Which Transformer are you?" with the result Soundwave. You are the Decepticon's Communication Officer... Okay, your title may not say much, but you have secured yourself as one of Megatron's most valuable officers through your reliability and skill at obtaining information. Plus, between Shockwave and Starscream, you're the only one who wasn't openly betrayed by Megatron! You like your position at Megatron's side, and keep yourself in his good graces by constantly supplying him with intel on the Autobots and dirt on your fellow Decepticons. You may not be liked, but everyone knows that if they mess with you, they'll have to answer to Megatron!

Leslie took the Which Stanley Kubrick Protagonist Are You? quiz and the result is Private Joker. You have good intentions, and an overall optimistic view of things. You probably enjoy photography or writing. People find you to be a nice person, and someone they can trust.

Leslie completed the quiz "Which element are you?" with the result Earth. As Earth, you are the simplest of the elements, and that is no insult. You are loyal, reliable, trustworthy, and a stable entity from which all other things earthly may live and grow. You create environments in which learning, living, and loving is possible when you are at your best. At your worst, though, it is another story. When you are upset, it is something that is felt by all those touched by you. Your world becomes barren and dry, and those who depend on you begin to wither. The weight of others you bear alone is enough to drive many of the other elements insane. Your place in the world: To foster growth in others, which ultimately results in growth in yourself.


Corey and I discussed Milo chocolate drinks (available here and in Malaysia, but not there?!), Tim Tams, hot chocolate, strawberry / chocolate NesQuik, and more hot drinks. He thinks that the Vancouver stoners offended Britney Spears - hahaha, I did hear about that, and think it amusing. Honestly, she can think what she wants, but man.

I got my first creep (Mark William Shaffran) in Wordscraper, who suggested highly inappropriate things regarding sex and drugs. I'm not a prude or sheltered or anything, but seriously! You don't tell me those things, especially in a GAME. Good thing the best revenge is WINNING, which I am doing by a handy margin in BOTH games he started. Thank goodness that I'll never play him again!

Poo nugget for Friday, Apr. 10: Where Beano Fails... - Chester Weimer received a patent in 1998 for airtight underwear that is lined with a charcoal filter. This garment supposedly lets you fart with impunity by absorbing the emitted noxious odors. Lest you decide to don this diaper and let loose in company, bear in mind that this device will do nothing to block out sounds. (I'm listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd's That Smell right now, so this is a quirky amusing coincidence!)

You're shutting me out if you close your mouth before I do!

This thing JUST restarted - UGH! I hope I can get stuff DONE today...

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

The Kiss

"Tilly saw kissing as just another arena for expressing feminist theories or demanding equal rights. She wanted to lead. She wanted to dominate. She pushed me around like a subordinate at work. Not for me. I want to get primal. I want to be a caveman." - Rich, age 34.

"We're out and she's kissing everyone we see. Like it's a group thing. Each familiar face, each "Hi, how are you?" required a kiss. Every "So long." After a while, her kisses seemed easy. She cheapened the whole kissing event. When I took her home, I shook hands." - Garret, age 23.

"I think Roland was trying to wash my tonsils with his tongue." - Sally, age 27.

"Marilyn would not kiss me until she showered, put on makeup, and did her hair. Then she didn't want me to mess her up." - Tony, age 27.

"She wore so much makeup that I was afraid to touch her. Like if I kissed her, my lips might sink into it; I might drown like in quicksand. Or I might get stuck to her, like a bug on flypaper." - Chaz, age 25.

"We were kissing and suddenly he got all upset. Turns out I'd closed my mouth before he did. He said it was like I'd shut him out. Rejected him. I'm serious." - Dianne, age 31.

"She messed with my hair. I don't mind a woman touching, fondling, or caressing me. That's fine. But don't mess with my hair." - George, age 40.

"Donald gave me directions. He told me what to do, how to kiss, what to touch, where to put my hands. He was very exact in what he wanted. When we kissed, he stopped me in the middle and said, with exhausted patience, "No, not like that. THIS way." He demonstrated, gave me verbal instructions, and arranged my limbs. He pushed my lips into position and scolded me that I'd done it wrong. Apparently, I needed to act like I MEANT it." - Patricia, age 34.

"My old girlfriend told me that it turned her on if I sucked her fingertips. So, during the movie, I picked up Joyce's hand and started on her pointer. She screamed, "EW! What the hell are you doing?!" The whole theatre turned and stared." - Leroy, age 23.

"Sybil's mouth tasted like an ashtray. Forget it." - Hank, age 25.

"I liked Ted and couldn't wait to get close to him. I mean, until we kissed. It was a lip jab. Like a chicken peck. His head moved forward and popped back, and the long-awaited kiss was over before I could respond - hell, before I could blink." - Christie, age 22.

"She wouldn't kiss me unless we were outside. The park, the beach - she said she liked the fresh air and the sky. The feeling of nature." - Paul, age 29.

"Paul told me that in the Middle Ages, the more you revered someone, the lower the part of them you kissed. Then he got down on the ground and kissed my boots." - Eleanor, age 44.

"Rita and I were kissing in the car. I ran my hands up her face, down through her hair. She suddenly pulled away and her hair came off in my hand. Of course, I realized it was a wig. But by then, I'd already screamed and pissed her off." - Don, age 52.

"Alan covered both my lips with his mouth and sucked. I ended up with swollen lips, permanently puckered." - Sarah, age 22.

"I like pretty feet. I don't want to get involved with anyone whose feet are unattractive, so before we get physical, I always ask them to take their shoes off. Then I take it from there, depending." - Tom, age 29.

"I was nervous and felt awkward. I turned to scratch my nose and his kiss landed on my eye." - Iris, age 47.

"Fran positioned herself to make kissing awkward, if not impossible. I had to maneuver around elbows and shoulders, or somehow shift my weight around to get close to her face. Finally, I realized it wasn't going to happen. She had no sense of body alignment, poor kid." - Roland, age 33.

"Lisa was full of contradictions. She offered to pick up the tab, which meant she didn't necessarily want me to kiss her. But then she let me pay, which meant maybe she did. Then she talked about other men, old boyfriends and such, so I guessed she didn't. You have to pay attention to women's signals, know when to move, when not to." - Mark, age 32.

"Wade mashed my lips between his teeth. I had to close my mouth, or our teeth would have ground together." - Lila, age 33.

"I thought he was a babe, and I was falling fast. I mean, I was steamed. But when we said goodnight, he kissed my forehead. My forehead! Like I was his ten-year-old sister." - Jacquie, age 20.

"My girlfriend asked me to give her a foot rub, then she got mad that I gave her a foot rub. Turns out what she MEANS when she says she wants a foot rub is that she wants me to kiss her - which, of course, any fool should know." - Paul, age 27.

"John gave me an Eskimo kiss. Seriously. He said it was flu season, and he didn't want to catch a cold." - Joyce, age 19.

"Marsha believes that kissing is the only way to break tension between a man and a woman. So every time I'd get angry, she'd start kissing me, which made me madder. Which made her kiss me more until, sometimes, I'd forget what I was mad about - which made me REALLY mad." - Ed, age 27.

"I'd slipped my hand under her sweater, and suddenly a flashbulb goes off, right in my face. Her little brother pops out from behind the easy chair with his camera and, as my date is strangling him, offers to sell me the negatives. That kid's gonna go somewhere. He'll be somebody, if he lives long enough." - Len, age 21.

"I really liked Heather, but no matter how we positioned ourselves, our noses were in the way. It just wasn't meant to be." - Wesley, age 27.

"It was a perfect day at the shore - the perfect place. She was the perfect girl. I was waiting for the perfect moment to give her a perfect kiss. The sun was setting. Her hair was blowing in the breeze. The waves caressed the shore. I took her hand. And suddenly, a bunch of her friends appeared out of nowhere. Boom - we were in the middle of a party. The perfect moment was gone. I'd waited too long. My perfect kiss was gone forever. But I learned from it; that experience became a metaphor for life." - Bob, age 24.

"Jerry is a foot taller than I am, so in order to kiss him, I had to tilt my head back at a 45° angle. On one of our first dates, I got a soft tissue injury, something like whiplash, from kissing him goodnight." - Cissy, age 20.

"On all four of our dates, Charles always kissed the air in front of my mouth. He never made contact - he stayed about a tenth of an inch away. I tried to lean forward, but he dodged." - Heather, age 40.

"He wouldn't let me watch the movie. Every two seconds, he was trying to make out with me. I shoved some popcorn into his mouth. He started rubbing his upper arm against me, breathing into my neck. I leaned so far the other way that I was almost in the lap of the lady next to me." - Amy, age 24.

"Joe kissed like he was eating an ear of corn. Short little nibbles, moving across my face to my ear. Then down to my neck and across to my throat. And back up and across again." - Cathy, age 34.

"Sean refused to believe that I'm a natural blond, and dared me to prove it. That was about as romantic as he got." - Anna, age 33.

"I took Stephanie to a party. We mixed and wandered on our own. When I wanted to get going. I walked up behind her, put my arms around her, and whirled her around into a big passionate kiss. Only it wasn't Stephanie. It was a woman I'd never seen before. From behind, she looked just like Stephanie, I swear. Same hair, same height. Both wearing black. Really, it could have happened to anybody. But this lady wasn't amused. And neither was Stephanie." - Josh, age 27.

"I heard the toilet flush. The door immediately opened, and he came right out of the john. The water hadn't run. He ate cheese and crackers. Touched my back, tried to hold my hand. Wanted to make out. And all I could think of was that he'd gone to the bathroom and hadn't washed his hands." - Cora, age 45.

"Ellen moved close to me and stared up into my face with this focused, intense look. I thought, she's going to make a pass at me. Then she asked whether I'd mind if she squeezed a blackhead." - Bill, age 23.

"We were on his sofa, watching TV. He nibbled my ear and then yelled at the news anchor for saying something stupid. He nearly blew my brains out." - Faye, age 24.

"I met Wanda at a singles bar. She was really forward and seemed to be really taken by me. I bought her a drink and asked her to dinner. She leans over, touches me a lot. Snuggles right up. After a while, I go to the men's room. When I come back, no Wanda. I reach into my pocket for some cash, but no wallet. I'd been had. Scammed. Taken for a ride. But I learned my lesson: Never take a wallet into a singles bar. Now, if I go, I carry my money in my socks." - Leroy, age 23.

"When he dropped me off, he claimed to have a nosebleed and asked if he could come into my apartment to stop it. He came out of the bathroom with a wad of toilet paper shoved up his nose. Then he tried to kiss me." - Shannon, age 24.

"I'd wanted to go out with Phoebe for years, literally, but one of us had always been involved when the other was free. Even so, for some reason, I always thought we'd end up together. Finally, after maybe nine years, we were both unattached. I thought this was It. I asked her out. But when I got the chance to kiss her, nothing happened. I mean, nothing. She put her lips up and we kissed. Nothing. There was no spark. No chemistry. No electricity. Years of waiting, thinking I'd marry her, and thud. Nothing. Kiss of death." - Ron, age 30.

It's okay if you're gay if you pretend we're going to get engaged!

This thing just restarted - AGAIN!

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

Undercover Investigations

"What I learned from Dwayne's boat is that it's possible to make love while you're seasick." - Brandy, age 24.

"He always sleeps at my place. He keeps a toothbrush and fresh underwear there. But he won't wash a dish, change a lightbulb, or take out the trash. He eats, makes love, sleeps. Showers. Uses all my stuff. And when he leaves, he takes the newspaper with him." - Leslie, age 26.

"Right in the act, Sheila bit my lips. Hard. I mean, chewed on them. The woman drew blood." - Austin, age 44.

"Stacey wouldn't stay over unless I changed the sheets. She made a fuss about it, so I pulled last week's sheets out of the laundry and put them on the bed. She said I had to change the sheets. She didn't say the sheets had to be CLEAN." - Neil, age 21.

"Jim was a magician. Every place we went, he performed. At the hockey game, he entertained the bleachers before the game. At dinner, the whole restaurant. Theater. We never had a conversation. It was always a show. Unfortunately, bed was a show, too. Now you see it, now you don't." - Barbara, age 41.

"When she fell asleep, Eileen wrapped her body around mine in a stranglehold, like a python. I was afraid to move because I didn't want to wake her up. But I finally had to remove her, peel her limbs off me one by one so I could move. No sooner had I freed myself, rolled over, and settled down than she slid across the bed and engulfed me again. At one point, she was lying on my face. I had to force her off me just to BREATHE. Of course, she remembered none of this. She said she had a great night's sleep." - Mort, age 30.

"Before he would come to bed, Trent had to brush his teeth. Then he used his Water Pik. Then he gargled. I lay there, listening to him complete his program of oral hygiene. This was NOT a turn-on." - Taylor, age 31.

"We're all undressed, beside the fireplace. I think we're going to make love. He pulls out his backgammon set and asks me if I've ever played nude backgammon. Apparently, there's nothing like it." - Pam, age 25.

"Seth had no sex appeal. He was a sweet guy, so I kept on TRYING to be attracted to him. But the more I tried, the less I was. He bent over backward to please me, said he'd do anything I wanted. Which is part of the reason he had no sex appeal." - Kate, age 36.

"She emails me sexy messages to my office. My secretary howls, and passes them around." - Conrad, age 33.

"I'm taking a douche in his sink. All of a sudden, the sink comes out of the wall and crashes to the floor, with me in it. He and his roommate hear the crash and come charging in, saying: "What's wrong? What happened?" I'm lying on the floor with my pants around my ankles, my behind in what's left of the sink on the floor. Not to mention the water or the pipes." - Latisha, age 23.

"She passed gas and ran into the closet, hid behind the clothes, and refused to come out." - Harry, age 28.

"We're reading together in his room. His roommate and his girlfriend start making loud panting noises in the next room. Then they start groaning, moaning. She's screaming his name. Then she's just screaming. He said to ignore it; they weren't really having sex. They were just trying to encourage us to have it, to get us in the mood." - Laura, age 20.

"We went out to the country and parked along a river. The car got steamy, so she opened her window, and - instantly - 94,000 mosquitoes flew in. By the time she could roll it back up, the car was infested, and we both had bites from head to toe. I took off, driving like crazy, stark naked, opening the windows and hoping the air would push them out. She was screaming. I was swatting. I had bites on my butt, my eyelids, my mouth, places I don't want to talk about." - Randy, age 21.

"We'd made love and I was about to roll over and go to sleep when Ben got out of bed, knelt, and said his good-night prayers. I guess it was charming. But it sort of surprised me. I felt kind of out of place; I didn't know if I was supposed to join him, or what. I pretended to be asleep." - Charlene, age 31.

"The next morning, as I'm waking up, Mel asked me if I'd mind if he cross-dressed." - Mary Beth, age 28.

"Lying in bed, Lois asked me if I was rich. I told her I wasn't. She sighed and was quiet for a while. Then she said, "I guess it's all right. Rich guys are mostly jerks, anyhow." I was falling asleep when she spoke again, and asked whether I thought I *might* get rich, someday." - Keith, age 28.

"Bob and I waited a long time before we actually went to bed. Tension built up and I was nervous. Clumsy. My hands were clammy; I fumbled and got the zipper stuck on the fabric, and I got a hook caught. I bumped teeth with him, moved the wrong direction, had no rhythm, no coordination, no grace at all. He finally managed to get the deed done, but I was afraid it was so bad that he'd lost interest. I looked at him and he burst out laughing. Rolling. He laughed: "Well, Rachel, at least the first time is out of the way." Tears came out of his eyes." - Rachel, age 31.

"Anna is tiny. Petite. A pixie. But when she sleeps, she snores like a freight train. No, more like a charging rhino. It's sudden; the whole bed shakes. Hell, the whole HOUSE shakes. And then, it subsides gradually, so you drift off to sleep again, and then - bam! - here comes the rhino again. She has no idea. I asked her if she knew she snored. She got offended - I mean, seriously mad." - Brad, age 29.

"Stan said he wanted to brush my hair. I thought, How sweet. But he meant ALL my hair." - Adrian, age 22.

"Martha sleeps with a pile of pillows between our heads. She makes love with her head turned away, and tells me never ever to breathe on her face." - Jonathan, age 27.

"Trevor loved his dog; maybe I should feel complimented that he talked to us both in the same way: Sit. Lie down. Roll over. Come." - Liz, age 38.

"Quentin talks in his sleep. I don't mean grunting and mumbling. I mean he talks. He says bizarre things - sits up and announces a baseball game, play by play. Tells unseen drivers to get off the road. Answers me if I talk to him, and ALMOST makes sense. I'll ask him if he closed his car windows, if he wants me to set the alarm, or if he's still awake. He answers: "Yes, sure." I've asked if he actually has no idea what I'm saying because he's sound asleep, and he's said: "Yes, sure." When I'm staying over there and can't sleep, I talk to him. It's quite entertaining, and beats counting sheep." - Myra, age 32.

"Ed does not sleep. When I spend the night, it's awful. He tucks me in and sits at the computer for an hour or two, messes around in the kitchen, does his laundry, vacuums, watches TV. He says he needs only three or four hours of sleep a night, that he does his best work when others are sleeping. I, on the other hand, need three days to recover for every night I spend with him." - Clara, age 40.

"As he was about to come, William yelled in my ear: "Tally ho!" In falsetto." - Alexis, age 33.

"It was our first time together. I was nervous, and there was no chance I was going to have an orgasm. But Jeff wouldn't let himself until I did. It was a matter of pride. I told him that it was okay, that I'd be more relaxed next time - just go for it. But no. He's relentless. He works. He tries this. He does that. I'm dying, embarrassed... and the more he tries, the less chance there is of it happening. Meantime, the man is sweating. Sweat is literally raining onto me, into my eyes, my mouth - I'm drowning in it. I figure it's a matter of survival, so I scream, I shake, I tremble, I moan. He grins. He's real proud of himself, When it's over, he sighs and says he told me that he could do it... and never to doubt him again." - Paula, age 29.

"She wanted me to videotape us in bed. She got out her camera and tripod, and set everything up. This was fine with me until she laughed: "Someday, when you're famous, I'll be able to blackmail you." She swore she was joking, but that was the end of that." - Paul, age 27.

"He read an article about women faking orgasms, and bragged to our friends that no one's ever faked with him. He has no clue. I'm good. I'm real good." - Randie, age 28.

"I told Margaret I was gay. She said that was okay with her, as long as I took her out on Saturdays and pretended to her mother that we were going to get engaged." - Ed, age 34.

"Peter rolled off me, crying out in pain. Doubled over. He asked if there were sharp edges on my diaphragm; he said it felt like teeth were biting him. I wondered if he had a disease or a urinary problem, and made him see a doctor. When the doctor said nothing was physically wrong, Peter examined my diaphragm to make sure that it had no cutting edges. His doctor told him to see a shrink. I still don't get it. Peter had been married, has a child, yet he still seems convinced that women can have teeth in there." - Yasmine, age 29.

"Gordon admired my body parts and compared them to his. He sighed that he wished he had mine. "Look at your legs; they're so smooth. If only mine were like yours." He suggested I leave some makeup and lingerie at his place, so I wouldn't have to carry it with me on our next date. I asked him if he'd use it in the meantime. He just smiled." - Julie, age 31.

"He dyed his pubic hair. He said it looked better blond." - Jill, age 32.

"In bed, Carol whispered that she used to be Carl. She'd had the operation. She used to be a man. She asked if I could tell." - Bill, age 47.

"The man had shaved every hair off his body. From his eyebrows down, he was bald as a baby." - Jennifer, age 27.

"We were lying in bed, and Roland asked me if I'd ever done gerbils. I asked him what he meant. You've never seen a woman get into her pantyhose as fast as I did." - Emily, age 25.

"He asked about other men I'd been to bed with. Was he better? Bigger? Built as good? He wanted a report card. No, he wanted a spreadsheet, comparative data." - Charity, age 26.

"We went to her place. The bathroom counter was covered with four toothbrushes and a display of designer condoms. Courtesy supplies, she called them. Scary, I called them." - Adam, age 40.

Kisses with a pierced tongue?!

I got ready for NOTHING tonight, I see. Eric apparently forgot to call and say he was sick... hmm. *shifty eyes* That better not be a cover for "I'm actually with someone else right now..." UGH!

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

The Kiss

"A kiss is a promise. It's a hint of what's to come. It's also how I decide if anything IS to come." - Tyler, age 25.

"Mike was afraid to kiss me goodnight. He stood at my door, shifting from foot to foot, saying that he had to go home. I tried to make it easy; I tilted my head up, stepped closer to him, parted my lips. Nothing. Finally, when my head hurt from tilting, I gave up. Just as I backed away, he lunged and dove to kiss me - and missed, knocking me backward into the wall. It was like dating Clouseau." - Celia, age 59.

"When you're out with a woman, sooner or later, there's this silence. The pause. This eye contact. That's when it's time to make a move. Gloria stared into my eyes, searching. The silence grew. I leaned forward to kiss her, and she said that there was a glob of something in my eyelid, and asked if I had a cold." - Dave, age 37.

"Griffin declared that with AIDS and all, it was necessary to be completely open. Then he proceeded to tell me his entire sexual history. But after I heard the details of all his exploits, I didn't want to go out with him anymore. Hell, I didn't even want him to sit on my sofa." - Jean, age 34.

"I couldn't get between her and Puffy, her cat. We went into the den to watch a tape. I sat on the sofa next to her, put my arm around her. She snuggled Puffy." - John, age 32.

"He licked his lips before each kiss. We're about to kiss and he licks his lips. It was snake-like, reptilian. Also wet. I backed up. Kiss aborted. Impulse lost." - Suzanne, age 32.

"Allen told me that he was a v-v-virgin and that he only s-s-s-stut-t-t-ered wh-when he was t-t-turned on by somebody. He d-d-d-didn't th-think he c-c-could go on if he couldn't get s-s-someone to s-s-s-sleep with him. I told him it was a good t-t-try but, as far as I know, he's still stuttering." - Jen, age 30.

"He talked about women's hands, how much he appreciated long manicured nails and graceful slender fingers. How they enchanted him. How certain women wove sexual spells with their fingertips. How good hands turned him on. I sat on mine till my fingers got numb. When my drink came, I was afraid to reach for it." - Judie, age 34.

"The woman purred. I mean the way a lion purrs after it's eaten an elk. Dangerous." - Leroy, age 33.

"Under the stars, I tilted my head, parted my lips, and closed my eyes, anticipating our first kiss. He planted his top teeth right below my nose, his bottom teeth on my chin, and dug them into my skin. At the same time, he jabbed at me with his tongue. I pulled away, and there was an embarrassed silence. Then he apologized for not being a good kisser since his tongue wasn't long enough." - Amy, age 23.

"He used breath spray before kissing me. And afterward, as he left my apartment. And in between kisses, whenever he could sneak a spritz, like every five seconds." - Tina, age 28.

"Dave loved his looks. Every chance he got, he admired himself in a window or a mirror. When we kissed, he tried to position himself near a mirror so he could watch." - Donna, age 29.

"She punctuated each kiss with a loud, wet smack. Mmmwchwaaa. The way my grandmother kisses me." - Miles, age 24.

"Moaning was her thing. Who knows why; certainly it had nothing to do with the level of our activity. The minute we made body contact, she'd moan. She was loud, and like a horn. I mean, I thought volunteer firemen might go running to the station." - Mitch, age 31.

"When I looked in the mirror the next morning, I had a hickey the size of a golf ball. It took about a month to go away. I was afraid she'd marked me for life." - Bob, age 24.

"In the middle of a movie, Cathy leaned over and started licking my face, like I was an ice cream cone. I turned to look at her, and she started licking my lips. My face was covered with spit." - Hank, age 24.

"Cassy kissed with food in her mouth. Like, she couldn't take the time to swallow; she had to kiss while still chewing. This didn't work for me, but it wouldn't have been so bad if she'd been eating something good. But secondhand tuna didn't work at all." - Jeff, age 31.

"She wanted to kiss big in public. And she had to be linked to me, attached like a tick. Her arm was intertwined with mine the whole night. She wrapped herself around me. If I moved, she moved. If she didn't want to move, I couldn't." - Beau, age 23.

"JoEllen was nice, but she pierced her tongue. I found that difficult to kiss with. And I didn't think I had the right to ask her to remove the metal first." - T.J., age 23.

"Sunny automatically French kissed. I thought it was premature; I don't think you should French without an engraved invitation. But she pried my lips open with her tongue and forged ahead, relentless." - Matt, age 32.

"Her earlobes were lined with studs. It made them hard to nibble. Who wants to suck barbed wire?" - Seth, age 24.

"When I kissed Donny, I smelled food. His mustache kept an aromatic record of what he'd eaten that day. All I could think of was barbecued pork." - Dusty, age 33.

"Steve had a big, bushy mustache. He also had sinus problems or allergies, was blowing his nose the whole night. Then he wanted to kiss. All I could think of was the germs in his mustache." - Julia, age 43.

"Penny was not timid with her tongue. She cleaned out my esophagus. Stole my half lunch. I mean, she had me nailed." - Derek, age 23.

"She had a bad cold, maybe coming down with the flu. Then she expected me to kiss her. I walked her to her door, and she lifted her face and puckered up, waiting. I had no choice but to kiss her. Besides, shaking hands might have been worse: they say hand-to-hand is the way most germs are spread." - Jamal, age 24.

"Letisha keeps her eyes open the whole time. She stares. It's weird." - Eric, age 24.

"It was like she was imitating some movie, some soap opera, doing lavish French kissing and impressive moaning and groaning, fancy moves. I just wanted some simple, basic lip-to-lip. But I got this stage performance." - Ron, age 32.

"Penny chews gum while she kisses. I stole it from her, and she got furious with me." - Peter, age 39.

"Charlene made kissing into a chase. Her mouth traveled. I kept trying to catch up with her, but she was always ahead of me. Her mouth was on my cheek, I turned my head; too late - she was on my neck. I scrunched down; she landed on my ear." - Bill, age 34.

"She put so much pressure on her lips that I needed to ice my mouth when I got home. I mean, she has some strength there - must exercise those suckers." - Dwayne, age 27.

"I didn't realize there are some lipsticks that just don't rub off. I'll never hear the end of the day I went back to the office after lunch with Reggie." - Bud, age 36.

She has all your clothes?! Man!

Eating my Activa strawberry-kiwi-cereal yogurt for breakfast... it's actually not too bad! Got up over half an hour BEFORE my alarm since it was too sunny outside - yuck. Oh well, gives me more time to just BE.

Facebook quiz taken from Michael:

Leslie took the quiz Which Greek God Are you? You are Hera, the goddess of marriage and wife of Zeus. Relationships are sacred to you, and therefore, you may be jealous at times. If you do get hurt, you take revenge. (HA, PERFECT! This is what someone never understood!)

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

Giving and Receiving

"Hank bought me Godiva chocolates. I almost killed him. He's so insensitive. He knows that I'll eat them and blow my diet." - Brenda, age 22.

"Money's a language. If she lets you pay, it means she's submitting, letting you dominate. She's attracted to you, saying you wear the pants. If she insists on paying, she's either not attracted or doesn't want you to know that she is." - Mike, age 30.

"His shoes must have cost at least two months' rent, and he drove a Ferrari. When the bill for our dinner came, I wanted to be polite, so I offered to share. I was sure he'd say "No way. It's on me." But he said, "Fine," and put away his corporate credit card. I was trapped. What could I say, that I didn't really MEAN it, that it was just FORM, a matter of social correctness? The bill was $226. PLUS the tip." - Laurie, age 26.

"He brought his buddy on the date with him, and in the ticket line, he explained that he was paying for his friend's ticket and popcorn because his friend was saving for a summer trip to Europe, but that I'd have to pay for their own. I didn't mind paying my own way, but I did mind being the third wheel on THEIR date." - Kathy, age 23.

"We passed a gallery. Paul dropped in and bought a $4000 painting. We passed a men's store. He stopped in and got himself a $500 sweater. It never occurred to him to buy me so much as a stick of gum." - Wendy, age 35.

"I met Ned through the personal ads. He said he favored "equality between the sexes." Actually, he just wanted women to pay their own way." - Evelyn, age 34.

"How cheap was he? He didn't want to pay for a parking lot, so he parked on the street. And, guess what, he got a parking ticket. Stan cursed and said no way was he going to pay it. Then he put it on the windshield of the car parked behind his. I reminded him that the ticket had his license plate number on it. He said, "Yeah, but you never know - nobody reads parking tickets. The guy might just pay it." " - Nancy, age 23.

"When the check came, he asked me for $22.50. I said, "What?" He said, "That's half. Want to check my addition?" I had only a ten on me; I'd had no idea he'd want me to pay. When I told him, he offered to walk me to an ATM." - Sally, age 31.

"He let me pay for the second round of drinks. He wanted to rent tapes and let me pay for both of them. He bought us a medium soda and a popcorn to SHARE. He invited himself to my studio apartment to watch them; his place was too "messy." And then, he fell asleep watching the movie and I couldn't wake him up, I ended up trying to sleep on the floor while he snored happily all night on my bed." - Claire, age 23.

"For Valentine's Day, he gave me crotchless red lace underpants." - Molly, age 24.

"As soon as he came in, Dennis had to make a phone call. He used my phone for about twenty minutes. I figured he had to call his office. When I got the bill, I realized he'd been calling all over the country - New Mexico, Nevada, Colorado. If he'd had more time, he'd probably have called Japan." - Joie, age 33.

"Michael was careful with his money. He never wasted a dime: he figured the tip to a penny, and comparison-shopped for groceries. He'd go to three different markets to save a quarter on milk. And when he took me out to dinner, it was always to a place that offered two-fers. He paid for Valentine's Day dinner with coupons." - Betsy, age 23.

"I'd been dating Samantha for about six months. I paid for all our dates. I brought her flowers and bought her earrings when we'd been going out for a month, a necklace for her birthday. I brought her souvenirs whenever I went out of town. For my thirtieth birthday, she gave me an umbrella. An UMBRELLA." - Richard, age 30.

"Antoinette borrows my sweaters, shirts, sweatpants, and... poof! They're hers. She takes my socks and my jockeys, then keeps them. I have no clothes anymore." - Terryl, age 38.

"For her birthday, I gave her a blank check. I thought it would show her that I trusted her, but that I was generous. I thought she'd spend about $25. She spent over $400 - on jewelry. I guess I should be grateful; she could have bought the store." - Al, age 37.

"Everett asked me on a cruise and I thought it was quite romantic - until he explained the policy of ships basing their rates on double occupancy. He said that going alone would cost almost as much as taking me, so I might as well come along. He wanted to get his money's worth. I made sure I did." - Emma, age 63.

"Herb brought me a home-grown tomato. One." - Cynthia, age 28.

"In all the time I went with him, Lou never had cash. He borrowed from me for popcorn, movie tickets, parking, a newspaper, a candy bar, a beer. On my birthday, he took me to a flower shop and told me to pick out a corsage. The florist pinned it on and gave Lou the till. You guessed it. He offered me coffee, then asked me to pay. And he never paid me back. Leaving parking lots after a movie, he'd say: "You gotta ten? I'll give it to you next time." After a few months, I couldn't AFFORD a next time." - Rachel, age 23.

"She earns 30 percent more than I do and thinks that embarrasses me, so she figures out the cost of our dates and insists on paying 30 percent more. THAT embarrasses me." - Tim, age 32.

"The day after our date, Cheryl called to thank me for the flowers. Except I hadn't sent her any. And no, I didn't tell her that." - Dick, age 23.

"Frank argued with the parking-lot attendant that we'd been in the lot for only an hour and fifty-three minutes, not two hours. He accused them of rigging their meter. He demanded to see the manager and spent almost an hour fighting over seventy-five cents." - Hilda, age 48.

"We were gambling, playing blackjack. I kept winning, but my pile of chips kept getting smaller. Finally, I realized that Bob had lost all of his chips and was using - and losing - mine. He said I had no right to complain; he'd staked me my first twenty dollars." - Anita, age 49.

"For Christmas, Al gave me a picture of himself, framed. Like he thought that I'd really want THAT." - Paige, age 25.

"The car was towed while we were at dinner. I had to listen to her say that she told me not to park there. I had to take her home in a cab, then take a cab to the impound, and pay to get my car back. Altogether, with the dinner / cab / impound / towing, the evening cost over $300. She offered to pitch in, and I accepted her offer. She handed me $10. Ten dollars. She thought she was doing a good thing, especially since she told me not to park there." - Hal, age 30.

"I offered to pay half. He included not just the cost of pizza, drinks, and the movie, but half the parking, half the tip, and a portion of the gas. At the end of the evening, he told me how much I owed him, and offered to itemize everything if I had a question." - Amy, age 23.

"For my birthday, he gave me a bathmat and toilet cover. What would he give me if we got serious? A whole bathroom set, complete with shower curtain and towels?" - Jade, age 30.

"For my birthday, Bess gave me two tickets to a hockey game. For Christmas, she gave me gift certificates for two drinks at a pub and two dinners at an Italian place. Everything she ever gave me was basically for herself, a ploy not just to get me to take her out again, but to choose where we'd go." - Paul, age 28.

"Bill sent me cards with kisses and hugs from a secret admirer. Flowers, gifts. Of course, I thought they were from my old boyfriend and I went back with him, thinking he'd begun to appreciate me. By the time I found out Bill had sent the stuff, I was engaged to Frank." - Debbie, age 30.

"She offered to pay for the parking garage. Now, in her purse, she carries enough stuff to survive a nuclear war for six months. Not just money, credit cards, and keys. I'm talking about a Swiss army knife, a first-aid kit, granola bars, gum, Mace, toothpaste, toothbrush, mini-bottles of vodka and Scotch, antibacterial wipes, fresh underwear, decks of cards, a camera, a diary, condoms, makeup. And that's just what I REMEMBER. I had a lot of time to study it all while she searched for our parking stub." - Howard, age 35.

"For our six-month anniversary, he bought me a squirt gun. A squirt gun? Trust me, it got some use that night." - Jessica, age 24.

"I bought her a candy apple. She took a big bite and when she took the apple out of her mouth, her teeth came with it. Her bridge came loose, stuck to the taffy." - Warren, age 34.

"For Christmas, she gave me this horrible sweater with bears and pine trees on it. I returned it. Now she wants to know why I never wear it." - Ted, age 29.

"Hannah bought me really vile aftershave. She insists that I wear it, says it turns her on. That being the case, I go around smelling vile. It's worth it." - Miles, age 27.

"She gave me an awful, itchy patterned sweater. Just awful. So I took it back to Nordstrom's to exchange it. The clerk sneered and assured me that the sweater did not come from any Nordstrom's store. She must have bought it at some discount store and stuck it in a fancy box. Like what, the box makes the sweater less tacky? Like I'd like it if it cost a lot?" - Arnie, age 25.

"For my birthday, she gave me a goldfish. One." - Randolph, age 32.

"Joel gave me a gift certificate for 24 hours as a sex slave. No expiration date. We broke up about a year ago, but I'm hanging on to it. You never know. I may need to redeem it sometime." - Camille, age 21.

"Ida never gave anything but practical gifts. In the year I dated her, she gave me a teapot, a new pillow, a heating pad, and a grocery cart. I still use every single one of them, and they all remind me of her." - Dmitri, age 57.

"He told me that he gives all his dates the same cologne. He said it was amazing how it smells a little different on each of us. And he sniffed me to make sure I was wearing it." - Gladys, age 52.

"For my birthday, she gave me a box of decorator condoms. I didn't know what to say. Thank you? I'll enjoy them? They'll make me think of you? What?" - Jason, age 37.

"The only thing Paul ever gave me was his opinion. He was really generous with that. Gave more than you could ever use, want, or bear to listen to." - Phoebe, age 23.

Fun apparently involves chocolate, winning, and beer...

This thing just restarted AGAIN! I might go out later... I don't know.

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

Fun Times

"We drove to Montreal, just to explore the city. We took a carriage ride and ate in the old part of the city. It was nice. Romantic. But when it was time to go, he had no idea where he'd parked. I hadn't paid attention; he was driving. We walked all over, looking for his car. Our feet ached. Finally, we went to a rooftop bar in the vicinity of where we'd parked, hoping to be able to spot it from above. But by the time we got up there, it was too dark to see anything. We sat up all night, drinking, waiting for dawn, when we wandered the streets until we found the car. By then, we weren't speaking. It was a long drive home." - Marianne, age 28.

"We're at my best buddy's wedding, and she loses her heirloom emerald ring. Of course, they have to stop the dancing and turn up the house lights to have everyone search. Guys in tuxes and women in gowns are on the floor on their hands and knees, searching. That night, she finds it in her purse. Apparently, she put it there when she washed her hands." - Mike, age 27.

"According to Jeannie, if it didn't cost a couple of hundred dollars, it wasn't fun." - Ken, age 24.

"She wasn't impressed that I was a track star in college. So I stopped at a field and decided to show her a high jump. The rest of the evening was spent in the emergency room, setting my ankle. She wasn't impressed with that, either." - Marv, age 33.

"He took me to the races. He won a big bet and was so ecstatic that he started handing out $5 bills to strangers. But then he lost three in a row, got depressed, and took me home before dinner." - Felicia, age 33.

"We parked a few blocks from the restaurant for my friend's wedding reception. I'd spent half the day getting my hair done and was wearing a satin gown. Halfway there, there's a cloudburst. I mean, a sudden dumping of buckets of water right on our heads. Derek started laughing and we ran for cover but, when we walked into the party, Derek looked like a drowned rat. And he looked a lot better than I did." - Jill, age 23.

"He stood up, banged his spoon against a glass, and announced to the whole restaurant that it was my birthday. He called upon a whole roomful of strangers to sing Happy Birthday to me. I wanted to die, but not until I'd killed him. Oh, and it was NOT my birthday." - Megan, age 29.

"Spring weekend. Formal dance. I go to the bathroom, and forget that my gown has a long sash in back. When I get off the toilet, it's drenched. I don't know what to do. I can't walk around with a peed-on sash, but I can't take it off because it's sewn into the gown. So I twist and turn and wash it in the sink, but by then the whole gown's soaking. I turn on the hand dryer and try to blow it dry. This takes like an hour and a half - maybe two - and it's exhausting. When I finally get back to the party, I can't find my date. He's been looking all over for me, figures I've ditched him. When I finally find him, I'm too embarrassed to tell him what happened. Besides, he's too mad to listen. The whole weekend, not just the sash, was a wash." - Claire, age 26.

"Mostly, he liked to hang out naked in the mountains - some kind of primitive, back-to-nature thing. Walking bare-assed through the trees, among thorns and poison ivy - this was, to him, a perfect date." - Marcia, age 33.

"I went to use the bathroom in Wes' apartment. He didn't tell me that he had a boa constrictor in his bathtub. He waited to hear me scream. He thought that was a hoot." - Rita, age 43.

"I asked Bill if he wanted to go skiing. He said, "Great." He didn't mention that he'd never skied anything but bunny slopes before, so he expected me to stay with him there. When I wanted to go on more advanced trails, he stayed in the ski lodge sulking and drinking the rest of the weekend." - Sharon, age 27.

"Fun to Denise had to involve food, preferably chocolate." - Brad, age 28.

"Fun, for Cindy, has to be about winning. She's the most competitive person I've ever met. Everything's in terms of winning and losing. Not just bowling or poker. It's a contest to see who can eat or drink more, get hornier, perform better in bed. I have no problem letting her win." - Tony, age 27.

"Chuck thinks fun is synonymous with sixpack. And the more fun, the better." - Dahlia, age 23.

"Fun for John had to have shock value. That could mean anything from belching loudly during the romantic part of a movie to showing up at a formal affair with no shirt, only a tux. Or sliding his finger under the table and up my skirt while we're at lunch with his mother." - Catherine, age 24.

"Hank asked me to a football game. On the way home, he casually mentioned that he had to drop something off at his grandfather's house and said we'd only stay a minute. When we got there, his entire family was waiting for him - four generations, wearing fancy dresses and suits - to celebrate his grandmother's 90th birthday. There were places for us at the table. He'd neglected to mention any of this to me. But it seemed he'd told them all about me. They toasted us, and wished us the best of luck, welcoming me as if they were under the impression that we were just about engaged." - Kathy, age 33.

"Matthew loves to play his violin for me. It is the single sorriest sound I've ever heard in my entire life. I'd rather listen to an evening of nails scratching a blackboard. Seriously." - Mavis, age 39.

"I asked Evie on a study date. She brought books, as if she intended to study. And, here's the weird part: We did." - Nate, age 20.

"The only thing Leslie enjoys is arguing. It doesn't matter what the subject is, as long as we're on opposite sides. If I agree with her, she changes her opinion, just for the sake of argument. She thinks playing devil's advocate is a parlor game." - Stu, age 32.

"Larry wouldn't stop playing the kazoo. All evening. When there was a peaceful moment in the conversation, I'd think: "Maybe he's going to kiss me." But no. He'd blow his kazoo. It was literally spine-tingling." - Marilyn, age 30.

"On our way to a concert, we're stopped, pulled over by the police. Seems we're driving a stolen vehicle. Seems Leroy forgot to tell his roommate he was borrowing his car." - Keera, age 19.

"Tim took me to see his grandparents. I thought it was sweet. But his grandfather dozed off and slept the whole time we were there. And his grandmother had no idea who he was." - Louise, age 30.

"Craig was a wrestler. He wanted to practice his holds. Every so often, out of the blue, he'd lock my head under his arm. Or, I was sitting on the floor and he suddenly pounced on me. He twisted me into a pretzel and said, "Okay, Doreen, say hello to your knees." " - Doreen, age 22.

"He insisted on going to his favorite spots. Everywhere we went, he was like a celebrity. He'd stop to talk to everyone. It would take an hour to get to our table, and then people would keep stopping by to say hi. You'd think he was, like, the mayor. Or the leader of the mob." - Trina, age 29.

"I'm a beautician. When he got to my place, he asked if I could cut his hair before we stepped out. I told him that I didn't bring my work home. He complained that, since he was paying for dinner, I should buy him a trim." - Chantelle, age 24.

"Frank took me to a World Series game. Our seats were so high up that you needed binoculars to see the players. He apologized for having only one pair, but he gave me a play-by-play description of what he saw." - Constance, age 27.

"We went to a baseball game. A night game. I'm hoping Amanda will want me to stay over. But we get back to her place, and she realizes she doesn't have her purse. She left it somewhere in the stands. So I drive her back to the stadium. We get a guard to take us through the stands to where we were sitting. Of course it's not there. So I start going through trash cans in the parking lot. Wet trash. I was touching things you don't want to think about. Wads of it. At about midnight, I actually find the thing. No money, but the purse. I take her home and she won't even let me in. She won't even kiss me goodnight. In fact, she tells me to go home and take a shower." - Richard, age 28.

"Hope's favorite thing is to crack her gum. It's like an art form to her." - Mitch, age 31.

"Wilson yodeled. At a party, right in front of people." - Eunice, age 40.

"Tamara's favorite thing to do is complaining. It's also what she does best. It's her talent." - Leon, age 34.

"I take Peg out to the country, drive forty miles to a state park. It's a perfect day, crisp, sunny. I've got wine and cheese and cold chicken and fresh strawberries. I've got a tablecloth, good crystal glasses, and cloth napkins. We get there, I set up everything, and she gets weird. Before we even eat anything, she says she has to go back - now. Turns out she's got her period. It's all over her clothes. She won't just go to a ladies' room somewhere or a drugstore. Nothing will do but going home. So I pack up and drive her home. She sat wrapped in my tablecloth the whole way, which (by the way) she kept." - Neal, age 23.

"She took me to her folk-dancing club. Wanted to polka together." - Jordan, age 24.

"Kevin sang to himself the whole time. That Beatles song Ob La Di, Ob La Da. In the car, in line, in our seats before the show. Probably during, too, but I couldn't hear it. But it was Ob La Di, Ob La Da the whole night. And the whole next day - no, the whole next WEEK - I couldn't get that damn song out of my head. In fact, now, just talking about it, it's starting again." - Claire, age 20.

"Fun, for Frank, had to be dangerous. This could mean running red lights, eating too many hot dogs, skiing the expert slopes, drinking too much beer, making me mad. Anything to test a limit." - Andrea, age 32.

"He brought his six-year-old son along. That was all right; he only got to see his kid on weekends. But he also let his son decide where we'd go - the arcade. He let his son pick the restaurant and order our food. Pizza, pizza, pizza. When we went home, he let his son pick out a video for us to watch. Then he went to bathe him and read him a story. I sat in the living room, waiting for an opportunity to ask him to take me home. When he came back downstairs though, he didn't want to leave his son alone, so he thought I should spend the night." - Sophie, age 35.

"It snowed for three days and everything was closed - businesses, courts, schools, everything. I was snowed in and lonely, so I trekked two miles in knee-deep snow to Bob's apartment to surprise him. It took me all afternoon to get there, and I was freezing and tired. But when I got there, he wasn't in. So I trekked back. When I got home, I found a note on my mailbox. He'd trekked two miles to my house, looking for me. We must have passed each other. Of course, by the time I got the note, it was too late, and I was too cold and tired to go back. Next time, I'll call first." - Dierdre, age 30.

"When Harry asked me out, he said we'd grab a bite with friends. He didn't mention that we were going to make a condolence call. I didn't know the people. I didn't know the deceased, his name, his age, how he died, or anything about him. It was very sad, though. Everyone was broken up, crying softly. Young people, old people, friends, family - everyone adored him. He must've been a great guy. I was sad for days afterward. What a loss." - Faith, age 22.