Jack Bauer Facts!
I'll post these in parts of about 100 each, haha.
1. On Jack Bauer's tax returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
2. Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
3. Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer sees the glass as a deadly weapon.
4. When bad things happen to good people, it's probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it's probably Jack Bauer.
5. When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
6. The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
7. There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is a heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
8. Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave, and a change of clothes.
9. Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
10. Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
11. Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
12. When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
13. Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
14. If you try to make Jack Bauer sacrifice himself for nothing, he will eat you.
15. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
16. If everyone on 24
followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called 12
17. Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
18. The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols, and four billion rounds of ammunition.
19. Jack once shot himself 10 times, just to prove 50 Cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle an alligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
20. Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
21. Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd because no one fools Jack Bauer.
22. Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brian drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
23. Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
24. There have been no terrorist attacks in the United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
25. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
26. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
27. The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
28. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
29. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
30. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says it's beef... then it's f*cking beef.
31. My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
32. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
33. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
34. Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
35. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*cking hates lemonade.
36. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
37. Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."
38. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
39. The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth-to-mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
40. Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten, and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where he wants them.
41. If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
42. When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
43. Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
44. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
45. As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead... once.
46. Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
47. Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
48. The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
49. Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex lawsuit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon." Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families. But statistics don't lie.
50. Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that.
51. It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh, you are so screwed.
52. Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
53. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
54. Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
55. In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US-Mexico border.
56. A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
57. Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
58. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
59. Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery, and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
60. When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
61. When Special Forces raided an Afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24
62. Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
63. ... and on the seventh day, Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
64. MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robbery in a store. Sutherland smiled, pulled out his SIG, and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd
after season one.
65. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
66. After Season 6 of 24
, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
67. RIP, Edgar. If you see this, give it a 10. Just coz it's what Edgar would have wanted. :(
68. When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24
69. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
70. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
71. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
72. When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.
73. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
74. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way, but it's faster and leads to more deaths.
75. Most pilots need 5000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
76. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
77. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
78. Scientists can't analyze Jack Bauer's DNA because it tortures the microscope for information.
79. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you, it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
80. Jack Bauer once arm-wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
81. "You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.
82. Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
83. Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
84. Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.
85. Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.
86. Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
87. The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
88. When 24
airs on the Spanish channel, everyone's lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this: nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
89. Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's f*cking Jack Bauer.
90. Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
91. Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
92. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
93. In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead... Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane ravaged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
94. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f*cking dead."
95. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
96. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
97. Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween. It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history.
98. American Idol
is only popular because it has a commercial for 24
99. Jack Bauer once umpired a major league baseball game. The final score of the game was 1056 to 983. Everyone's safe when Jack Bauer is around.
100. Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
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