Jack Bauer Facts!
I'll post these in parts of about 100 each, haha.
1. Jack Bauer gets free vowels on Wheel of Fortune
2. Jack Bauer attracts terrorists like his daughter attracts psychos and mountain lions.
3. On Day 4, Audrey Raines chose to be with her husband, Paul, over Jack Bauer. This is generally regarded as one of the worst decisions ever made by a human.
4. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are not created equal to Jack Bauer.
5. Don't mistake Jack Bauer giving up his weapon for weakness. He is the weapon.
6. If Jack Bauer says he would tell you but he'd have to kill you, he'll probably kill you anyway.
7. The playoffs once went into overtime before the season premiere of 24
. It was sudden death overtime because Jack Bauer went there and shot all the players. No one preempts Jack Bauer.
8. Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
9. Jack Bauer once shot a terrorist plane down with his finger by yelling, "Bang!"
10. Jack Bauer can make the fun stop after popping open a can of Pringles.
11. When Jack Bauer enters a church, the choir stops what they're doing and sings Hallelujah
. Every time.
12. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can see Jack Bauer, you're probably staring down the barrel of a silenced pistol.
13. The only reason outer space exists is because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Jack Bauer.
14. Jack Bauer stays up all night. Now vampires are afraid to come out at all.
15. Jack Bauer doesn't pay prostitutes. Prostitutes pay Jack Bauer.
16. Noah only lived to be 900 years old because Jack Bauer was not alive to kill him for withholding information that could have saved millions of lives.
17. The real reason why all those famous heroes like Hercules, Achilles, and Perseus lived in ancient times was because they didn't want to compete with Jack Bauer.
18. Jack Bauer does not wash his hands when he pees. Jack Bauer knows better than to pee on his hands.
19. Jack Bauer taught his kids to be potty trained by pointing a gun at their heads and strapping their arms to a nuclear device; they had 3 minutes.
20. Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris.
21. When Jack Bauer burps, he never says "excuse me." Jack Bauer has no time for excuses.
22. Jack Bauer cancelled Walker, Texas Ranger
23. If Jack Bauer had to choose between saving Tony Almeida or Audrey Raines, he would choose Tony. Jack believes in 'bros before hos.'
24. Jack Bauer is never more than 15 minutes away from major terrorist activity.
25. Pledge allegiance to Jack Bauer of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, and to the country for which he kills; one man, under none, invincible, with torture and pain for terrorists.
26. Jack Bauer is always in Chuck Norris' blind spot.
27. Jack Bauer was once asked if he was a homosexual. Once.
28. Jack Bauer thinks it's cute when David Banner says "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." You wouldn't have the opportunity to not like Jack Bauer when he is angry... you'd be dead.
29. Former L.A. Lakers star Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have slept with 20,000 women. What he doesn't mention is the fact they were all Jack Bauer's sloppy seconds.
30. Jack Bauer gets the Chinese man to deliver his food even if he doesn't spend the $15 minimum. Then the delivery man tips Jack for not kicking his ass.
31. Despite being an all-perfect being, Jack Bauer's vision is 24/24. The good Lord felt it was both ironic and cute.
32. Jack Bauer doesn't feel regret. He only feels recoil.
33. Jack Bauer can downhill ski up a mountain.
34. When the military gave President Kennedy a 21-gun salute at his funeral, Jack Bauer returned fire.
35. Jack Bauer once shot a man for having too many items in the express checkout.
36. Upon seeing Sean Astin become head of CTU, Jack Bauer immediately shot and killed him to prove to everyone that Goonies, in fact, do die.
37. Jack Bauer did not fake his death to get away from the Chinese. He could own the entire country of China with his bare hands. No, he faked his death to get away from Audrey.
38. Jack Bauer fired Donald Trump.
39. Jack Bauer pisses with the lid down and still gets it in.
40. I pissed my pants once during 24
. Not because I was scared, but because if Jack Bauer can hold it in for 24 hours, I can hold it in for one.
41. If Jack Bauer smoked cigarettes, even the Surgeon General would be selling them to teenagers.
42. Jack Bauer has 3 rules for fighting terrorism.
#1. Shoot first.
#2. Ask questions later.
#3. Repeat rules 1 and 2.
43. You do not want to play the Jack Bauer version of Jeopardy
44. Jack Bauer tried to play dodgeball once, but ended up shooting each of his opponents nine times in the chest with what he considered to be "a defensive maneuver."
45. Jack Bauer's Guidance Counselor once asked him what he wanted to do with his life. Bauer told him what his plans were for life after high school, but then he had to kill him.
46. Jack Bauer is never asked to turn his cell phone off at weddings, movies, or churches.
47. When Jack Bauer masturbates, all women within 3 miles have orgasms.
48. If Jack Bauer had been attacked by a stingray like Steve Irwin... he would have escaped, captured and tortured the stingray, and found out who it was working for.
49. Jack Bauer doesn't cry wolf. The wolf cries Jack Bauer.
50. For every terrorist a CTU agent doesn't kill, Jack Bauer kills three.
51. Jack Bauer was once allergic to the animal known as the Dodo Bird. Long story short, the Dodo bird is now extinct.
52. Every time Jack Bauer breaks protocol, 10 terrorists cry.
53. Jack Bauer shot the sheriff and the deputy.
54. Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's biggest fan.
55. When Jack approaches a yield sign, he doesn't slow down. Jack yields to no man.
56. Every morning, Jack Bauer stares at a basket of kittens and electrocutes himself if he thinks of petting one.
57. When Jack Bauer exercises, the machine gets a workout.
58. Jack Bauer is the only true American Idol.
59. Jack Bauer is 1/5th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry... the man ate a f*cking Indian.
60. The only reason Martha Logan could bring herself to having sex with President Logan was by pretending that he was Jack Bauer. However, the fantasy wasn't fulfilled when President Logan lasted only 40 seconds.
61. If a toy company made a Jack Bauer teddy bear, his fur would be made of Brillo pads. Jack Bauer is never soft and cuddly.
62. The sound of Jack Bauer's voice can impregnate any woman, and even some men.
63. Jack Bauer doesn't hide and go seek. He seeks and destroys.
64. The reason everyone with Allstate is "in good hands" is that they have David Palmer running their ad-campaign... which means they're all in Jack Bauer's hands.
65. Jack Bauer is China's birth control.
66. If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.
67. When the US Army discovered Saddam Hussein, it was only because Jack Bauer finally told them where he had been torturing Saddam for five years.
68. Jack Bauer is the only man that makes Elisha Cuthbert call him Daddy.
69. You're either with Jack Bauer or against him. If you're against Jack Bauer, you're either dead or will be soon.
70. Jack Bauer can put aluminum in the microwave.
71. Because of Jack Bauer's role in Phone Booth
, not only do terrorists avoid phone booths, but they refer to them as Jack in the Boxes.
72. The Ghostbusters call Jack Bauer.
73. Jack Bauer's daughter is very hot.
74. The real reason whales beach themselves? Jack Bauer occasionally goes swimming.
75. Jack Bauer has all your missing socks.
76. Jack Bauer doesn't die when he gets shot... he only gets pissed.
77. Jack Bauer can fit 21GB on a 20GB iPod.
78. The reason why James Bond keeps switching the actors is because the writers keep hoping they'll get Jack Bauer.
79. Jack Bauer killed Bambi's mother. And then he ate her. Raw.
80. Guys wearing an "I'm with stupid" T-shirt suddenly realize that the hand is showing upwards when they're standing next to Jack Bauer.
81. While Jack Bauer was presumed dead, a random oil field in Southern California produced more oil than any other region in history.
82. Telemarketers do not call Jack Bauer at dinner time in fear of retaliation.
83. The only reason Jack Bauer didn't stop 9/11 was that Edgar didn't open up a port.
84. When Jack Bauer pushes the pedestrian crossing light, he gets a "walk" sign right away. Always.
85. Jack Bauer would have finished his hunting partner off if he were in Dick Cheney's position.
86. Jack Bauer faked his own death to get off the CTU payroll. Jack Bauer does not mix business and pleasure.
87. Jack Bauer is a vegetarian. Not because he doesn't like meat, but because he hates vegetables.
88. Garbage men leave Jack Bauer's empty trash cans upright and in their proper location.
89. Jack Bauer cut his own umbilical cord.
90. Jack Bauer once showed me a video of him having sex with my wife. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
91. When Jack Bauer sees a terrorist with half a head, he stops laughing and reloads.
92. Jack Bauer once simply glared at the Incredible Hulk and he immediately turned back into Bruce Banner.
93. Watch film of the Berlin Wall coming down. If you look closely, through the dust, you'll see Jack Bauer walking away carrying a sledgehammer.
94. If Jack Bauer told you Bush was doing a good job, you'd believe it.
95. Jack Bauer throws away the pin instead of the grenade for fun.
96. Osama asked for a truce because he heard Jack Bauer got his address.. and is coming for dinner.
97. Jack Bauer once submitted a fact on this website. He shot anyone who gave him less than a ten.
98. Jack Bauer lost his virginity before his dad did.
99. Rambo: First Blood Part II
is actually footage of Jack Bauer's 2nd grade field trip.
100. If you mouth off to Jack Bauer, you will die of natural causes, because Jack will naturally kill you.
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