This is from What Not to Name Your Baby
by Joe Borgenicht.
Baby: A young Jewish girl post-bat mitzvah, well on her way to becoming a woman in the Catskills. She will be loved by many, but only give her heart to seemingly no-goodnik dance instructors with misunderstood pasts. Child may also tend to sleep in the middle of a room, because no one puts Baby in a corner.
Babylon: The capital of ancient Babylonia, known for its great luxury and sensuality as well as vice and corruption. A female child with this name should be prepared for many jokes about her "Hanging Gardens."
Baltimore: Home of such lackluster, bird-monikered sports teams such as the Orioles and Ravens.
Bambi: The poor deer whose mother was gunned down in cold blood by the heartless hunter and left as an orphan to fend for himself in the wilderness. Also, effective alter ego of many an off-off-Broadway "dancer."
Barbell: An endomorph with an impressive ability to quickly down a case of Natty Light. Also enjoys doing keg stands.
Bathsheba: Will have a penchant for bathing in public places and arousing the lustful glances of much older men.
Beach: A less-than-pleasant woman; also, a female dog. The jokes about crabs may, alone, be enough to make your child hate you forever.
Beefea: It's what's for dinner. With fiddle music ringing in her ears and constant calls of "Where's the Beefea?" ... your child will surely beg you to change her name by the time she reaches the second grade.
Belladonna: Italian for "beautiful woman" ... also, the highly poisonous derivative of the nightshade family.
Bertha: Usually used to refer to something enormously large and ponderous. Big Bertha will undoubtedly become the other children's playground taunt of choice.
Bet'C: The preferred vanity plate spelling for an otherwise traditional name.
Bianca: Feminine form of spray-on breath freshener popular in the early '80s.
Bijou: A famous theatre. A scion of rock royalty.
Bimberly: Shortened name for "Kimberly, the famous bimbo." Slated to be launched as Barbie's sister in 1999. Lo, a scandal involving Ben and his life partner Ken quashed the dream.
Bindy: Both dog and daughter of the famed alligator hunter.
Birch: A socially-accepted substitute for "bitch" used by born-again Christians.
Blanche: To dip in hot water for the purpose of removing the skin. A child with this name will most likely graduate from torturing animals to the status of mass murderer before she is done with junior high school.
Blasé: A jaded, bored girl destined to smoke French cigarettes and wear berets.
Blenda: A kitchen appliance used by the residents of New England to whip up fruity, tropical drinks. "Ay, Janice, mix up a couple more a dem piña coladas in dah Blenda!"
Blessing: She won't seem like much of a blessing at 3 AM when you're dealing with hysterical crying, projectile vomiting, and yellow blowout diarrhea. And the child might not sleep through the night, either.
Blonda: Having lighter hair than the other girls. "Is she the dishwater blonde?" "No, she's the Blonda of the two."
Bonquisha: A delicious breakfast food and the sister of Laquisha.
Breezy: Beautiful and relaxed, she's also going to be easy.
Brella: Short for "umbrella," it will be bad luck to open her inside the house.
Brendy: Screwtop brandy - all of the alcohol, none of the class!
Briana (BREE-ah-nuh) - A soft French cheese adored by snobs.
Bridie: Wedding plans are locked and loaded. Now she just needs to find a man.
Brinderella: The little-known twin sister of Cinderella who wasn't fortunate enough to have lost her glass slipper, and was forced to continue a life of servitude.
Brittany: Commitment-phobic hillbilly with good dance moves. A small, timid dog of the spaniel variety.
Brooke: A small, bubbling girl who used to frequent tennis circles.
Brunette: In this day of cheap and effective hair coloring, why would you limit your child's ability to explore other options? After all, blondes do have more fun.
Brunhilda: A large European esthetician who needs a wax more than any of her clients.
Bunny: A small rodent known for its propensity to copulate frequently and give birth to a slew of offspring with little concern for their standard of living. Do you really want to be a grandparent while your child is still a preteen?
Butterfly: An insect with a slender body and four broad (usually colorful) wings. Most commonly used as a nom de guerre
for adult entertainers. See also Velvet and Cinnamon.
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