365 Stupidest Things Ever Said: May 2007

365 Stupidest Things Ever Said: May 2007

These stupid quotes are from The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Page-A-Day Calendar 2007.

Page-A-Day Calendars

Tuesday, May 1: Oh, Really?

"I may have said something about the NAACP being un-American or communist, but I meant no harm by it." - Jefferson B. Sessions III (R-Alabama), prior to his serving in the Senate


Wednesday, May 2: A Tad Strange For Couture Ads

MOSCHINO COUTURE
NEW AT MACY'S! THE ENERGY, THE ELECTRICITY OF AN UNINHABITED WOMAN!
- ad (thanks to Barbara R. Levings)


Thursday, May 3: Splitting Hairs About Splitting Up

"The band never actually split up... we just stopped speaking to each other and went our own separate ways." - singer Boy George


Friday, May 4: I Know How I'd Interpret It

Plaintiff: A Mr. Smith and I had had a disagreement, the exact nature of which I don't remember, but it was over some aspect of my work that he wanted me to perform in a manner different than, I guess, I was performing it. And Mr. Smith's... excuse my language coming up... Mr. Smith said, "If you f*** with me, I'll kill you."

Lawyer: When he said, "If you f*** with me, I'll kill you," how did you interpret that?
- actual court testimony


Saturday, May 5: We Could Not Fail To Misunderstand This More

"I could not fail to disagree with you less." - British Member of Parliament Boris Johnson


Sunday, May 6: Not Surprising Surprises

"It will come as no surprise to anyone if they spring a complete surprise on us!" - sportscaster covering the World Cycling Championships


Monday, May 7: Nude Navies

NAVY CHANGES SKIRT POLICY, MAKING APPAREL OPTIONAL - headline in the San Diego Union-Tribune


Tuesday, May 8: Just What Kind Of School Is This, Anyway?

Are you a lively and stimulating teacher?
Do you enjoy working within a supportive and caring environment?
Are you happy working alongside dedicated and committed staff?
Are you challenged by articulate, perceptive, and thoughtful children?
If the answers are YES, then this is the wrong school for you.
- ad for a teacher in the Saffron Walden Reporter


Wednesday, May 9: Non-Customer-Attracting Mottos

OUR MOTTO IS TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS THE LOWEST POSSIBLE PRICES AND WORKMANSHIP - sign at a shop in Maine


Thursday, May 10: Funny, Our Candy Is Meatless

"I shouldn't say I'm a vegetarian because I love sweets." - singer LaToya Jackson


Friday, May 11: Regrets, Regrets

"Some of our greatest historical figures have been adulterers. Regrettably, the days have vanished when an ability to do the job in hand came first." - from the London Times


Saturday, May 12: Making Things Perfectly Clear

"The Yankees played the Mets today, and that game was won by the New Yorkers." - Orioles broadcaster Fred Manfra, while giving scores from the out-of-town scoreboard


Sunday, May 13: Gory Sentimental Thoughts

REACH OUT AND HOLD YOUR MOTHER'S HEART - slogan for the Seoul Children's Symphony, South Korea


Monday, May 14: Yes, DO Restate That

"After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain. We will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week... we will have an all-volunteer army. Let me restate that." - President George W. Bush


Tuesday, May 15: Liberal Birth Announcements

"A son was born to Mr. and Mrs. Charles Mulkahey, Garrison St., during the past week. Congratulations, Pete!" - notice in a church bulletin


Wednesday, May 16: Redundant Weather Reporting

"We have very hazardous conditions due to a five-year drought, and lack of rain hasn't helped any, either." - KABC-7 reporter, Los Angeles (thanks to Lin Malki)


Thursday, May 17: Synthetic Scientific Dialogue

"At the risk of being simplistic, what you're looking at is a quasi-neutral matrix of synthetic RNA molecules." - Dr. Alan Harris (Fritz Weaver), in Demon Seed (1977)


Friday, May 18: Isn't This Taking Political Correctness A Little Too Far?

ATOMIC BOMBERS UPSET OVER ENOLA HOMOSEXUAL EXHIBIT - headline in the Northwest Herald (Crystal Lake, Illinois), referring to the Smithsonian Institute's planned exhibit on the dropping of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima by the plane the Enola Gay


Saturday, May 19: Contortionist Sports Managers

"He had gone behind my back right in front of my face." - soccer player Craig Bellamy, complaining about his manager, Graeme Souness


Sunday, May 20: And If God Had Wanted Governors To Make Good Points...

"If God had wanted boys to wear earrings, he would have made them girls." - Alabama governor Dan Siegelman


Monday, May 21: Pressing Questions

"The Queen's speech today is unprecedented, but just how unprecedented is it?" - broadcaster Howard Hughes, Capital FM (UK)


Tuesday, May 22: Satanic Basketball Teams

"Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King." - church bulletin listing


Wednesday, May 23: Not-So-Thrilling Police Blotter Reports

"Personnel at the Farmer's First Bank on N. Cedar Street reported at 10:15 AM on May 13th the discovery of a mound of hair on May 10th." - from the Lancaster (Pennsylvania) Intelligencer-Journal


Thursday, May 24: The Need For More Computer Books For Dummies

Tech support: Okay, sir. We'll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then...
Customer: Don't talk down to me like that! I'm not an idiot! I know what I'm doing!
Tech support: Okay, sir. Please Start, then Find to do a file search.
Customer: How do I do that?


Friday, May 25: Continental-Size Geography Problems

Family Feud host Richard Dawson: Name a country in Africa.
Contestant: South America.


Saturday, May 26: Typical Clintonian Excuses

"There were a lot of times when we were alone, but I never really thought we were." - President Bill Clinton, in his grand jury testimony


Sunday, May 27: Making Second Comings Easier

CHRIST IS COMING!
PLEASE DO NOT OBSTRUCT THESE GATES.
- two signs, one on top of the other (at St. Paul's Cathedral, London)


Monday, May 28: This Gives New Meaning To The Term "Loud Clothing"

"[That was] the shirt heard round the world." - Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Massachusetts)


Tuesday, May 29: Red Sox Announcers and Reality Problems

"I think that ball fooled Nomar. I think it was hit harder than it actually was." - Red Sox sportscaster Joe Castiglione (thanks to Tom Levine)


Wednesday, May 30: Oh, THAT's What You Do With Frozen Food

SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST - instructions on a frozen dinner


Thursday, May 31: Thanks For The Insight

"This global terrorism is everywhere." - singer Madonna

RIP, Milo! / Mean names / What's for dinner?

Funny Mean Name Generator: I'm a tard-assed manbomb, whatever that means. :P (and that's the least offensive thing on the site, heh)

With my newfound free time (three consecutive weeks of break!), I watched the 2-3 AM 24 episode. The show was split up into four videos, but you make do without torrents, haha. Part 1 was very slow and paused a lot, possibly because it wasn't loaded completely when I played it... the other three parts didn't have that problem, though! Corey recommended a torrent, but I didn't really need that right then. As for what happened on the show, James Heller took his daughter Audrey back home away from Jack's influence. Morris told Chloe that he broke up with her because of what he did, and not what she said. The dysfunctional Bauer family showed up again, with Josh and Marilyn in CTU and Philip Bauer working to repair the sub-circuit board. Cheng and the rest of the Chinese invaded CTU headquarters (disabling communications in the process), and killed Milo Pressman when he tried to protect Nadia and say that he was Acting Director. (Cheng switches from Chinese to English with his technical guys and manpower on the mission - successful, indeed) Nadia was also threatened with death if she didn't make it appear that things were all right when Mike Doyle called, yikes. Josh tried to escape through an access duct, but was threated via the PA system with his mom's death. Lisa Miller got back together with her lobbyist boyfriend Mark since the vice-president threatened her with treason if she didn't allow him access to her PDA so he could think certain things about the Russians. What a show... I'll be back to watch it on Monday, heh. Three more hours left, oh my!

Eric Ho and I have set back our hangout time yet again, this time to next week. What can you do with Mother's Day (out entirely because our moms would kill us), busy schedules in general, and other things coming up? Corey says he's by himself for two weeks while his parents go to Texas to help out his grandparents, so we're trying to figure out what to have for our respective dinners. I'm not sure what food could last that long out of pizza, pizza rolls, chicken, breakfast croissant sandwiches, noodles, eggs, rice, mini taco thingies, and stuff like that. I have soup, noodles, salad, pasta, bread, and other similar items - I do need to go shopping, though. Maybe next week sometime... off to do space adventures now!

P.S. The recipes and morbid facts should be back tomorrow. I've been reading the morbid facts for the past few days, but didn't feel like putting them here - not enough time!

Dreams of purple casinos and shootings / Facebook, blogs, and thoughts

I had a dream yesterday that featured people shooting at each other, then threatening my mom if she didn't check into a purple casino in a grey building with the family. So she did, and then wanted to go into a hotel that was connected to the building. After that, we lost a bunch of bags with important documents in them. Then we all just disappeared up some stairs, and that's how it ended. Methinks that my subconscious is trying to get the cruise out of my conscious mind, so it's not very cluttered. Can't think of another explanation for it!

Can't believe I'm thinking of getting into Facebook. Mildly entertained the possibility a while back when it was opened to everyone, and not just high school / college / university students, but never did anything with it. Now I want to keep up with people I actually know, unlike Myspace in most cases. We'll see... first, I have an episode of a certain TV show that I must watch when I get home today from the park and such!

Checked blogs today: Alyssa says that the break's done her good, while I noticed a new picture Randal had up - so out of season! Oh well, it's his blog... I will say that it's a nice picture, however. He has stuff on last night's talk, Bible translations being fresh or flat, and that Biblical story where someone drove a tent peg through someone's head as he was sleeping in a tent - gotta love that, haha. You never do know about the Lorena Bobbitts of the world, either! One more thing: it's not IGNORING, but it is being busy and considerate! Churches, Chinese, blacks, Sunday services (unchanged except for the time Ivan proposed to Karen, hahaha!), reasons for seating (just when I want to do the opposite... but then, why change my comfort zone!), friends, brides, and other topics were covered too. Certainly a thought-provoking blog, if nothing else.

Not sure I want to go to the park today because of a "blue" issue, but I will. At least I have the sponges for Chris, and I shall fulfill my commitment! These kids are so cute! Some of them are / were feisty or brats, but I think I can get through to them! It helps that I've known some of them for literally all their lives - and I haven't had the "are you having a baby?" question for QUITE some time! (thanks, Justin Fong...) Just watch: I'll have written this, and then someone will ask me that this afternoon. Heh... I don't think I'm hanging out with Chinese Eric today, which is probably just as well since I have a TV show to watch and such! Maybe the long weekend, haha. (note to self: Friday and Saturday are both free for that!)

Edit: Ooh, I hate my phone. It refuses to activate the ringer when one indicator is set to "on," but the other is set to "off." Why it needs two indicators, I don't know! My old phone just had a button you needed to slide to one side or the other for ON or OFF. UGH! My fault, I guess - I was too tired to check both indicators before I went to bed yesterday / this morning. BLAH. I'll call him now and apologize, heh.

You Should Drive a Silver Car

You're the type of driver who doesn't really pay attention to other cars on the road. You are calm, focused, and clear-headed. Driving is simply a task for you. And you aren't one to be too fussy about what you drive. Basing your status on a car is a little beneath you.

What Color Car Should You Drive?

You Are Somewhat Like Your Mom

Believe it or not, you and your mom are pretty darn similar. It may not seem like it at times, but you and your mom have a lot of common ground. Over time, you'll probably get closer ... especially if you emphasize the things you like about each other.

Are You Like Your Mom?

Your Life is Rated PG

Your life is pretty family-friendly. The worst someone is going to get from you is brief nudity or toilet humor.

What is Your Life Rated?

You're Kind of Stupid

You got 8/10 questions right! There are some things most people know... except for you.

Are You Stupid?

Last I checked, 80% was far from "kind of" stupid. At least I don't make elementary grammar / spelling mistakes in quizzes which are intended to be posted to the Internet. *rolleyes* (and in case you're wondering "What mistakes?"... I correct them before I myself post them to the Internet!)

Why are you Crazy?
	You are afraid of moths
'Why are you Crazy?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Strawberry trees would cost way more than a million dollars!

I met Eric just on time today, and he asked me whether I'd done certain things on the cruise: definitely not! We listened to the Ducks-Red Wings hockey game while discussing food plans for tonight - I didn't have anything planned, so he got a sub combo from Chicago Subs while I figured I'd have Pho. Turns out Dianne had the same Pho thoughts as I did, only we had pizza and the chocolate fondue fountain refreshments for dinner instead! Jon seemed disappointed that there was no broccoli - well, good! Eric asked me if I was going to talk to certain people tonight, and I said I would quite possibly do so. I complained about the clock CHUNK noise in the Accord when it changed minutes: yes, I've been in the car many times, but that doesn't mean I'm used to the noise! (although perhaps I should be...) Discussed 24 recordings (seems like I'll have to go to DAILY MOTION for previous episodes), being nice to people, friends, and other varied topics such as craziness. Hey, he knows I'm like that whether he likes it or not! :P

Got to church and Karen offered me some of her pizza / the church Diet Coke in the kitchen, so went there to talk to Vivian / Sheena / Andrea / Jen as they were preparing strawberries. Vivian's sister had slept for pretty much the whole afternoon, so Viv and I told the others about the cruise. Later, we made Chrystal guess how much stuff we'd ordered for dinner yesterday. Got out of the kitchen and waved hi to Jeremy while talking to Christon about his busy week and Bible Study. Joey passed by, so I gave him his birthday card while telling him that I'd heard about his birthday gift - Steph could be there if she weren't too tired! (she wasn't, as it turned out) Gave Eric and Jeremy their postcards a little later, and Dawn was surprised when she received hers! Jeremy said that we could project the Powerpoint words off Eric's body as a screen - that would definitely be funny, and I had to laugh when he looked at me, haha. Then there was the moaning spirit in the apple cider kettle - that thing was certainly noisy! Darren was sad he couldn't participate: as Jeremy said, he grew older every two seconds when that word was said! ("OLDER!")

There were a lot of people in the basement since three fellowships were together for a talk by Pastor Edward, heh. It included a tale of disembowelment and musings on how a strawberry tree could cost a million dollars - Jeremy pointed out that it would probably be more like fifty million dollars since they usually grew on bushes, and grafting COULD be involved too. Afterwards, I busied myself in talking to Henry / Benedict / Chris L. / Danny about tomorrow's Awana outing - Henry is going, but didn't know where the park was. The guys gave him directions, wondered about other rides for Chris' sister, and asked around for sponges and buckets. Told Benedict that Jon had dipped broccoli in the chocolate fondue last time we had it - no one dared him to, and Chris thought that was gross! (so did Isabel and Sarah when they saw it that time!) Asked Benedict how it had gone last week: only two guy Sparky leaders in him and Danny, and a bunch of people had been away at camp too: interesting situation with so few people! Chris wanted to know if he could count on me for the sponges - as long as they hold water (they're practically new!) and I don't mind them being possibly trashed afterwards (I don't), then of course he can! In fact, I put them in a bag as soon as I got home - I definitely won't forget those necessary game items! That means I have to buy some more sponges for personal use since I have four left, but that's all right! Yelled at Henry to call me, and he gave me a thumbs-up signal - man, the basement was noisy! If it turns out he wakes me up (since I'm probably THAT tired), then so be it.

Eric bugged me about duty-free alcohol in the back of the church sanctuary, but I didn't buy it! Cordia was wheeling around on a table: great transportation, but you have to be careful of people behind you. Told various people about the cruise and all that eating! (no zoo for us!) People were talking about Facebook and how you could spend a lot of time stalking people on there, and Dylan told Jon about how last Sunday's worship was riddled with mistakes and glitches - Jon found it pretty funny! Janette told Nathan about her trip to China and Mexico, so he told her to watch out for the prostitutes in hotels. Not that he thinks she's a male or attracted to females, but the caution can be good! Stanley, Vivian, and others were discussing French / Quebec / separatists for a while. Jon told Jen about some Night of the Proms concert with English music that Auntie Bea had invited him to - she IS a pretty cool person! Told Angus to be careful of his clothing since some chocolate had landed on it - Rich noticed that some had landed in the wooden sticks, oops. Danielle complained that Citrus was ignoring her, so we told her to make a video game of herself... that MIGHT work, haha.

Jeremy asked about the cigars at the cruise ship store since I'd mentioned that in my postcard to him - not sure they had Dominican Republic cigars, but I did do a nice imitation of my mom wondering about his cigar preferences! He can tell her himself on Sunday if he wants, haha. Later, I showed him how she'd flirted with the liquor store guy unknowingly - yeah, it's easy to do for some people! We figured that Nathan wouldn't be doing anything for Mother's Day besides reflection and packing since he leaves soon! When Stanley finally kicked us out, we loitered outside instead - that surprised Christon when he and Sheena left the building a couple minutes later! Jon, Eric, and I encountered Jen smoking in back of the church - she shared that her move-out plans had been delayed because she now has no job due to mistakes. Man, that sucks!

On the way home, Jon mentioned that the Night Market is starting up again - maybe Harmony would like to go while she's in town starting from next Friday. We discussed terrible gas prices (122.9), Mom's inappropriate remarks, Eric's committee meeting on the 14th (I'm definitely not going over then!), the finale dinner, mishearings, cherry lozenges / gum, the Foundation / reservations / Mother's Day / vegetarians, prayer meeting, knives, Bible Study outings in two weeks, future movie nights, Martin, apple cider, and other stuff. Heh, I was giddy with craziness - sponges and weird stuff, haha. Learned that Eric had been at work till 3:30 AM on Saturday morning last week! Since he doesn't get overtime, he'll see if he can get a (half-) day off work sometime in the future - he'd better get it, hah. Guess I'll have to wait till Sunday to see if I can give SOMEONE his postcard, and maybe ask him something else too! The previous 24 episode is even more important to me now I'm not going over on Monday! (because Eric won't be there and I need ride assurance - as for that weekend, I'll see about Eric ruining it... I could stay home then too! :P):17

Mom is dirty and inappropriate!

Ooh, I must post this before the Blogger outage at 4 - then maybe I can find the previous 24 episode online somewhere and watch it before I have to meet Eric at 6. Mom was so sensitive this morning! She thought Steph was having a temper tantrum when she suggested we ask someone where the gangway to disembark was: uh, no. Thank goodness Steph left her "why are you so sensitive?" comment for being out of earshot! Things would be better if Mom didn't stress herself out about everything! Then again, she made some inappropriate suggestions to me this morning when Jon didn't show up at Canada Place within 10 minutes of leaving Nathan's. "Show a dirty old man - or a young one - your bra or breasts to entice them to loan you a cell phone!" Let's just say that my reaction is something I wouldn't really type out in this blog - and I was this close to smacking her before remembering her "sensitivity." All I'm saying here is that my mom is TERRIBLE! Heh, I should have turned it around on her! Then she made a comment about how you could have fun off the computer: did I say that I only have fun when I'm online?! ARGH! (she picked up Alaska guides for a few people too!)

I discovered that I have redrum issues, but at least I have supplies! Better too much than too little in this case, hehe. Got home, posted a bunch of entries, and will attempt to check my friends page before I meet Eric - he called at 1, when I was going to call someone else. I think it's a Red Bull day, since I obviously don't have time to sleep! I missed 93 emails and seven weird phone calls: 888-660-6382 (unknown source; 4 calls), 604-521-4393 (BC), 416-224-1484 (Ontario), and 712-429-0273 (Iowa). Wish I could sleep, but that'll come later! Eric asked about the temperature of my place, after hoping that I'd had a good cruise - not quite as warm as it was on Sunday, but still not 10 degrees Celsius. Maybe it's the actual heater, since I remember having a similar problem a few years back. Friends commented on it too, even. Oh well, the dodgy managers better not be having a "heat-them-out" strategy as opposed to their "freeze-them-out" tactic of May 2006!

"He isn't married, so he MUST be GAY!" Not true, Mom...

We heard about a basketball player (Derek Fisher) who has a little girl not even a year old when diagnosed with neuroblastoma (cancer) - so sad! On a totally opposite note, Steph and I were shocked by Mom's lack of logic over breakfast. Mom mentioned that a shy steward wasn't married, and this led her to think about an old male family friend (Colin)... "He's not married, and hasn't been for SO LONG! I think he MUST be GAY!" Dad smacked her lightly while my sister and I exchanged looks. Then my sister tried to turn it around on her: "What about your unmarried female friends like Eva? Are they lesbians?" The indignant answer came back quickly: "NO!" Vivian and Karen were just as shocked as we'd been when we retold this to them later at separate times, too!

Today, we stopped in Astoria (OR) for five hours. It's a small town, and doesn't really have much to recommend it. But the trolley along the Columbia river is a good way to see the city. Downtown is kinda boring, and Steph couldn't get cellphone reception to call / text Jon about tomorrow morning's plans: we were NOT stopping by the numerous coffeehouses to use their wi-fi, for sure! It does have at least one bookstore, but I opted not to stop by. Luckily, the cruise ship tender port wasn't that far away - Steph got a few pictures of water and other boats, including the U.S. Coast Guard, Steadfast, and its gold cannabis leaf to commemorate a drug bust!

We had some dam dollar events today, but Lacey wasn't as generous as before - maybe someone told on her. Steph keeps telling Mom that arguing about the compensation for cancelled events makes her look cheap - she doesn't get it. Redemption was today too, but apparently it was somewhat disappointing because some items were too expensive for us. Each dam dollar is 50 cents in real money, haha. We girls just retired to the library, where they found a 1000-piece puzzle while I continued my book. I was almost done when I had to surrender it since the bookshelves were going down and closed at around 5. Oh well, maybe I'll finish it later on - that Left Behind series IS a reasonably popular one, so I hope it shouldn't be TOO much of a problem finding it at Chapters! They didn't finish the puzzle before dinner, so Viv left a note on a napkin saying NOT to clean it up as they'd be back later to do so and then clean up... good plan, especially with a smiley face!

We plotted about including the assistant dining steward (H) in a picture, but not the main guy since he's not as good. Speculated if "Please take a photo of our table and your assistant!" would be too un-subtle, haha. The main guy (Y) just plunks some dressing on your salad instead of drizzling it, and doesn't give us a warning when he's about to put a plate down. Eventually, we got the photo - and pictures of our 12 desserts and 14 dinner items for eight people! Yes, we ate like pigs tonight at dinner since it was the last night - "that Chinese table must be crazy!" (Uncle Wayne gets MVP status - two appetizers, two entrees, and two desserts!) We'll do anything for chilled soups and stuff we don't normally get like mahi mahi... plus chocolate crème brulée! Joked about a celery and water diet for the next week, but that won't work since Steph's meeting co-workers for lunch tomorrow and I'll probably have Pho after meeting Eric tomorrow at the usual place - DARN IT, HAHA. Tonight's show was the hits of TV and music with the singers and dancers: so good! ("Lacey, Ashley, Ashley...")

We told Mom that she flirted with the liquor store guy, but she denied it. She doesn't even know it, but her smiles and charm say it all... afterwards, we went back to the library. I went around to look at the shops one last time (as well as take in the smoky casino) - I decided not to spend any more money, even if I hadn't overspent at all. Maybe $100 US was way too much for this trip! The girls finished the puzzle (with Auntie Susan's help), while I wrote some postcards and read an Ann Rule book. Hey, I think I've finally memorized Corey's address too - sweet! All I can say is that certain people had better be around tomorrow, haha. (Steph MUST get a Mother's Day card before Sunday, and sign the early July birthday cards sometime in June before Phil and Grace's wedding!) I have four blank postcards, so I'm not sure who I'll give them to - I was originally thinking of the teens, but I dunno. At least I got a bunch of stuff as souvenirs: T-shirt, mug, tile, itineraries, cinnamon tea, and other miscellaneous stuff.

Mmm, yummy concrete... gravel is NOT an anti-nausea medication!

The TV movie today was WE ARE MARSHALL, aka the football film that the Daniel Fellowship watched a while ago. Ended up not watching it because of a lot of eating / show commitments... eating is a lifestyle for us here on the cruise ship, because we're starting to notice a trend in our meals: let's order more than one appetizer / entree / dessert, since we have a sharing system and also take pictures of everyone else's food! Might as well do this while you can, haha. The seas were very rough today, resulting in barf bags being placed outside the dining rooms - I took one as a quirky souvenir, and was reminded of the site with the barf bag collection! Steph had to take some of Auntie Susan's Gravol, but I was okay as far as nausea went. Let's just say the sea condition helped none of us in playing games (Mom got a little TOO into "moose droppings") OR walking around the ship - yay for railings!

We read the trip journal thus far, and thought that my mom's rendering "dam shirts" as "damp shirts" was a little TOO inappropriate. ("hopefully, we'll get enough dam dollars to get a damp shirt at the end of the cruise!") Then we noted my dad's spelling my own name wrong (...), his perplexing description of the dinner entrees as being "too small to pursuit," and "Steph had to take some gravel for her stomach!" Close, but no cigar! Of course, I corrected it. At lunch, we decided to sit in the formal dining room - Steph showed us pictures of her and Isabel getting blown back by the wind on a BC Ferry ("one that DIDN'T go down!"), and we all agreed that being silly with friends was great! Vivian and Karen found some expired shampoo in their room: when the cruise started a few weeks ago, it wasn't expired, but it was now! The front desk was very prompt in their response, sending someone to knock on the door with new product almost before Karen finished her conversation with them!

Steph and I took a nap in the morning (dreams of shiny green maps / Lesley / Jeremy) AND in the afternoon. Luckily, our stomachs woke us up with ten minutes to spare before they locked the dining room doors at 6:15 PM! We talked about panties, sights which Eric would like to see, tomorrow's plans for Astoria, the library, calories burnt through exercise, and future family trips. There was lemon meringue today, so a few of us had to order it for a dessert! Speaking of dessert, my mom read "low fat frozen cookies and cream yogurt" as if it was two separate items, and wanted to order the "low fat frozen cookies" for Dad. Nobody else had any idea what she was talking about at first, of course! Another day, another trip to the liquor store: the guy gave Karen some Kahlua on her ice cream cone, heh.

Tonight's entertainment was a ventriloquist - some of his jokes were kinda crude, but everyone enjoyed it except Mom! ("Let's get naked!" "Willy, have some manners!" "Please?" "Excuse me?!" ... "I'm Nadia Coma, the oldest gymnast in the world at 91... can you do the other one (chest area) because it feels good?" "NO!") He picked on an old lady named Judy married to a guy named Etienne (Itzy for short), and then picked three people to go on stage later: one was this 19-year-old guy from White Rock, and one was a 69-year-old guy from RICHMOND! The retired guy looked very good for his age - we thought he was 50! When we got back to our rooms, we had a towel monkey waiting for us - just as cute as the towel elephant of yesterday, haha.

We discussed the Da Vinci Code, supercilious France, Happy Feet, some CNN Anderson Cooper special on faith / hard science, hygiene, cruise ship TV, the disembarkation talk, Melia, Angus, flirting, Mike, Emily, cuteness, Chrystal, birthday cards, and a bunch of other subjects. Steph said I could go to the library again and borrow a book, but I'm halfway done with The Rising. Maybe I'll finish it tomorrow... My sister also thought that Karen had thanked us for waiting after she used the washroom post-dinner, but that was DAD! I'm not the only one who's losing it, yay! The cruise ship director's delightful name is Savannah Rye who has a nice English (?) accent, too! We think the accent is a requirement, haha. The stewards here are mainly Indonesian and Filipino - one of the breakfast servers looks like an Alan-Randal hybrid, haha. Everyone has twelve months on and three months off, and eat before our meals in their own area too.

Parental accompaniment on honeymoons is gross, unless they pay for it!

We participated in the "Fishing For Quackers" dam dollar event today: dangling a fishing hook from a staircase is harder than it looks. Then you suffer an additional blow to your dignity by doing something else (yodeling across the atrium, a "bingo bongo booty dance," cartwheels, handstands, etc.) to earn extra dollars - oh well. Borrowed a book on the Green River Killer from the library, which didn't impress my sister, haha. It was formal night too, and we saw a cute guide dog who knew to look right at the photographer's camera - he was especially cute because of his blue ribbon around his neck! Reminds me that our luggage has yellow ribbon to distinguish it from everyone else's, haha. Lots of shiny glittery clothing on display tonight!

Mom went to the liquor store again, and noticed some cigars. She wanted to get them for Jeremy (no tax or duty!), but wasn't sure what he liked. Later, my sister and I were discussing those HUGE cartons of cigarettes - not getting them for Jen, that's for sure! (no encouraging the habit) We saw some three-litre bottle of rye, some Black Label whiskey, and a lot of Bailey's: original, mint chocolate, and caramel flavors! There was no lemon meringue pie, despite it being on the menu: three small squares of cheesecake it was, then! (of course I got that - CHEESECAKE will make up for yesterday's cake disappointment!) We saw the Pinnacle Grill on a kitchen tour after breakfast - too bad Steph didn't bring her camera!

We learned that my parents had my grandma accompany them on their honeymoon AND stay in the same room, and we were like "What?! I'd ask for privacy even if she's overprotective and afraid in foreign surroundings! MAYBE if they're paying for it!" (overprotective = dressing Mom in nine layers of clothing every day, for example) That reminded Karen and Steph of what they'd discussed in Sunday School once, so I asked them about it for my and Vivian's benefit. Apparently, Jewish weddings used to involve the newlyweds going into a room where they could consummate their marriage: the best man was stationed outside to listen for certain things, and then announce to everyone else WHEN he heard them! EWWWWWWW! o_O

There were ice sculptures outside the formal dining room, and Mom asked: "Is that a eunuch?" No, it's a UNICORN! We explained what a eunuch's function was to the king, and told her that it was very different from a unicorn! The show tonight was SOUTHERN NIGHTS - yay for Lynyrd Skynyrd (Sweet Home Alabama) and another song I knew! (not the saints marching in!) Later, Steph and I saw Chicago on TV - I think Jon still wants to borrow that from Holly, heh. (he's apparently sleeping over at Nathan's before he has to pick us up on Friday) Saw some "dam shirts" which were my style - however, I got some $5 shirt instead courtesy of my mom. It still has the ship on it, though! There was even a towel elephant in our room when we got back from the evening's activities - so cute! Viv likes formal dining and being pampered, so we didn't see her at lunch today. It's all good if you do some exercise, haha... I should, since I don't want (borderline) diabetes at my mom's age or any age!

Does Gravlax sound like food to YOU?

Got up at 6:15 AM, and arrived at the airport to check in later - Mom got annoyed at Vivian's family since they weren't at the gate when the airport people started calling people to board our plane to San Diego. Steph said that Vivian's cell was turned off, but the four of them showed up very soon afterwards because they were at Tim Horton's eating some breakfast. Air Canada is cool since they provide you with individual screens, so I watched CHILDREN OF MEN... avant-garde it may have been, but I wanted to see it when it came out! Interesting plot, and I loved how all the military men and everyone else were in AWE of the baby since it was the first born in 18 years! We grabbed a taxi (not literally :P), and Mom kept accusing me of elbowing her during the short ride to the cruise ship terminal... no, you're just overly sensitive and frazzled! :P

Steph loved the palm trees, and we all noticed the hot weather in San Diego before we embarked on the cruise ship - the Volendam's atrium with its tower of light is kinda ugly compared to the Dawn Princess with their cool elevator and marble staircase! Mom said that the "great giveaway" was a "farewell party"... gee, I didn't know that they wanted to get rid of us within two hours of our stepping onto the ship before we even left port! There were a lot of old people, and some of them had been on board since Fort Lauderdale where the cruise ship started its voyage! Then again, there was some cruise my parents took a while ago, and they were the youngest people there when they were in their late forties! (wheelchairs, canes, and portable oxygen tanks... oh my!) Maybe it's cheaper than a nursing home, and you also get to see places / enjoy life? Heh, we all know there's bingo and casinos on every ship just for the seniors! ;)

We saw a questionably-named food item in the Lido cafeteria... Gravlax sounds like a medication (hybrid of Gravol and Ex-Lax?), not a ham thing! Sister and I went to our room when it was ready, and saw The Inside Man on the TV - brought back memories of when we saw that at Citrus' place a while ago. It was on all day and night, so we figured it must have been yesterday's theatre movie, haha. Discovered that the toilet flushing sounds like diarrhea: my sister wondered why I asked what she was doing in the bathroom, haha. Discussed postcards, ship tours (the guide thought we were teens!), and these extremely long cruises I read about in the literature provided for us: 66 days to Asia / Australia / Polynesia, 73 days, or a 114-day Grand World Voyage?! Man, I wonder how much THOSE cost! Took lots of photos, and discovered that ESPN was very heavy on the baseball coverage - very little hockey, which sucks! Uncle Wayne was advising Mom on all the liquor for sale since he works at a liquor store, and would have the knowledge of good deals, too. The night's entertainment was a singer doing John Denver tunes - pretty good stuff! We can do ship games for "dam dollars," which we may redeem later. Good times so far, mostly... we should write more in the journal Mom brought along, haha. Jon can read it later, too!

Eric and Trogdor rock!

Eric picked me up this morning, and we discussed our friends / volunteering / 24 recording and download links / being nice to people / the cruise. He'll have a postcard if I can't think of any other souvenirs - this goes for a bunch of others, too. Told me that he'd gone through the river and was now in a jungle... that sounds like progress in his game, haha. I just told him that I'd killed a bunch of space monsters (which DO regenerate), and generally goofed around. Apparently, my hearing is crazy according to him; eh, sometimes it can be! Some people were moving too slow for his taste, but we got to church around 9:30 in spite of them!

Saw Jeremy / Dylan / Margaret K. / Michelle C., and talked to them about being tired and black keys ("we're never doing FACEDOWN again!") before I decided to go downstairs for some water. Then I came back upstairs to find Randal sitting in my usual pew - no big deal. Confirmed stuff with Eric while he got ready to play guitar, and then told Hien and David to stop fighting over one lone bulletin - that reminded me of my need for one, as well. Gave one to Hien and then sat down again to say hi to Jackie - she's so energetic and hyper! Then talked to Randal for a few, heh. When we greeted people across from us, it was a good thing that Ivan was around to shake hands with after I waved to Sam's brother - I do not do "meeting new people" (some guy next to Uncle Patrick) well after I've had less than a few hours' sleep! :P (bad, I know... but true nonetheless) Also learned to never trust people when they say "in conclusion" or something similar... it was interesting information, but my attention span was dwindling!

Went out the back way, which gave me an opportunity to say hi to Brian: he's finally back from Alberta, and has a Richmond job lined up for June! He's met Harmony before - they actually went to high school together! Of course, I gave him a birthday card while also giving him a sideways hug - yay, birthday! I also gave Danielle hers earlier - yup, I do good taping jobs on envelopes, haha! Then I went downstairs to put my stuff in the toddler room, and give birthday cards to Stanley for him and his brother Eric. (he's going away from May till August, and his birthday's in late June... Stanley's is May 8, the same day as Christal's seventh birthday)

Said hi to Margaret L. and went outside in the rain - talked to Jeremy a bit about his injury that flares up: yup, not good. He'd have stayed home, but didn't want to not follow through on his commitment - cool... now go take the bus home and rest! (spokes on bike are not good!) Saw Helen K. with her baby Nicholas and his little basketball: hey, he can even palm it! He'll be into sports - either heart attacks will get you, or sports injuries will on the other end of the spectrum! Went into the toddler room later and had fun - Sean said color names today, but was repeating what I said too. Auntie Tracy and Rachel's grandma completed a Big Bird puzzle - yay for excitement! Talked about the cruise and such to Vivian when Sunday School was over, and played with Rachel a bit - peekaboo games are fun! Then her cousins Jason and Amos said she ate sugar, whipped cream, candy, and other sweet stuff - no wonder the kid has at least ten silver fillings!

Went upstairs, and talked to Adam and Andrew for a bit. Yesterday had been busy at Awana, and Selena (a kid) had helped Andrew with the other kids' names and such. Too bad I couldn't make it, but those were really circumstances beyond anyone's control. Then I met Eric, who asked what I wanted him to do. While trying to figure it out, my mom decided to tell me a bunch of things - I don't process lots of information that well... and I don't shout at people in public! Eventually, I decided to go home with Eric, who said he'd let me go home to turn off my computer. We talked about upset, feelings, crying (he knows when I am upset!), sanitary dumps, gas, traffic, and other stuff even though I didn't feel like being too talkative. He did help, though - no overboard trips, motive / opportunity or not! If she's like that, FINE... but honestly she should know it hurts. Maybe she doesn't - still.

Went home, and Eric complained of the heat - I know, I know. He turned it down, and did things with my plush dragon... it could be Trogdor if it was in an S shape and had arms! Turned off the computer, did necessary things, and then went to the townhouse. Good thing I'm using Lenny to update this, haha. Mom gave me shiny green clothing, told me she didn't have time to waste (yelling seems to be your preferred method of communication today, so maybe not if you can't take the time to properly talk about things!), and gave me a word search book. Grandma was surprised that I hadn't had lunch OR went out to eat with gwei jie, but meh. I was fine! Read the paper (David Suzuki green edition!) and thought about stuff before they left. Good thing I can go straight home after the cruise since Steph goes to work right afterwards - Mom seemed in a slightly better mood when I persuaded her that it would be a good idea, hehe. (always a good trick!) Phoned Eric to tell him about it briefly, then wasted time on here before my sibs got home. Now it's dinner time - then maybe I'll try to sleep. We'll see if that happens... last blog post before Friday! After that, expect a LOT of stuff on Friday - all dated appropriately, haha.

Gotta have my Jack Bauer fix this week SOMEHOW!

TODAY ON 24 (A 24-related story creation meme)

1. TODAY ON 24,

2. Pick the month when you were born:
January: there was a nuclear bomb threat,
February: there was a cougar rampage,
March: there was nothing to do,
April: there was a deadly virus outbreak,
May: there was a train wreck,
June: there was a assassination attempt,
July: there was a bomb threat,
August: there was a major blackout,
September: there was a Mexican invasion,
October: there was a Godzilla attack,
November: there was an alien invasion,
December: there was an terrorist attack,

3. but I also had to prevent

4. Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1: Tony Almeida
2: Jack Bauer
3: Chloe O'Brian
4: Nina Myers
5: Bill Buchanan
6: Charles Logan
7: Audrey Raines
8: Karen Hayes
9: President Wayne Palmer
10: James Heller
11: Kimberly Bauer
12: Jack Bauer
13: Nina Myers
14: The Cubs mug
15: A cougar
16: Martha Logan
17: David Palmer
18: Sherry Palmer
19: Chase Edmunds
20: Jack Bauer
21: Michelle Dessler
22: Nina Myers
23: Marie Warner
24: Kate Warner
25: George Mason
26: Tony Almeida
27: Curtis
28: Gael
29: Bahrooz Araz
30: the fan phone
31: Nina Myers

5. Pick the first letter of your first name:
A: from blowing up
B: from flirting with
C: from running away with
D: from getting married to
E: from being chased by
F: from going to the mall with
G: from getting stuck in L.A. traffic with
H: from eating a snack with
I: from stabbing
J: from an office romance with
K: from escaping CTU with
L: from stealing computer files from
M: from giving a nuclear component to
N: from interrogating
O: from completing a report on
P: from calling
Q: from exposing me as a spy to
R: from being kidnapped by
S: from committing suicide by flying a nuclear bomb away from LA to protect
T: from going to Mexico to find
U: from giving spoilers to
V: from being pushed down the stairs by
W: from giving a boring lecture to
X: from giving a nuclear component to
Y: from telling a secret to
Z: from giving a kiss to

6. Pick the first letter of your last name:
A: Tony Almeida.
B: The Cubs mug.
C: Jack Bauer.
D: Nina Myers.
E: Bill Buchanan.
F: Charles Logan.
G: Audrey Raines.
H: Karen Hayes.
I: President Wayne Palmer.
J: James Heller.
K: Kimberly Bauer.
L: Jack Bauer.
M: Nina Myers.
N: Chloe O'Brian.
O: A cougar.
P: Martha Logan.
Q: David Palmer.
R: Sherry Palmer.
S: Chase Edmunds.
T: An unknown terrorist.
U: A cougar.
V: Michelle Dessler.
W: Marie Warner.
X: Kate Warner.
Y: George Mason.
Z: A guy that is unaware that Jack is about to kill him.

7. Now type out the sentence you made.

TODAY ON 24, there was a Mexican invasion, but I also had to prevent David Palmer from stealing computer files from Audrey Raines.

Wikipedia, voodoo, Blind Melon, and barfights / Outback Steakhouse Ranch Salad Dressing

Choose a random topic in your head, then go to Wikipedia and click "random article." You have to get to your topic by clicking six links or fewer, starting with that article.

Goal: Hockey.

After clicking on the random article link, I got:

1. Estadio Ebal Rodríguez
2. Stadiums
3. Sport
4. Olympics
5. Winter Olympic Games
6. Hockey

Weird, right?


Today's Ritualistic Yet Truly Morbid Fact!

James Smith, executed by lethal injection (Texas, 1990) actually requested a "lump of dirt" for his final meal. Convicted of murdering an insurance agent, Smith was once a Tarot card reader in New Orleans. The lump of dirt was reported to be a vital ingredient in a voodoo ritual. Smith's request was denied, and he settled for yogurt instead.

Culled from: Last Suppers: Famous Final Meals From Death Row

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This cracks me up. Apparently, the prison wardens really believed that if they gave the guy a lump of dirt, he'd put a hex on them or something!

*******

Morbid Lyric Du Jour!

Ana has a morbid lyric to contribute:

"The band Blind Melon, known mostly for the hit song No Rain (you know, with the crazy bee girl) had a wonderful song on their second album Soup in homage to everyone's favorite psychopath, Ed Gein. The song is entitled Skinned. The upbeat pseudo-country lyrics are as follows:

Skinned

I'll make a shoehorn outta your skin
I'll make a lampshade of durable skin
And oh, don't you know that I'm always feelin' able
When I'm sittin' home and I'm carving out your navel

When will I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the kill be too much meat for me to hide on

Hey, I could really use a couple of hands
To complete one hell of a plant stand
Oh, and don't you know that I'm caught here in the middle
Making rib cages into coffee tables
I'm just makin' em into coffee tables

And when I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the thrill be too much meat for me to find anymore

Oh, because you know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in, oh yeah
And though you know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in.

*******

"My Brush With Morbidity" by Patrick

"I was eleven years old or so. We lived in St. Petersburg, Florida, in a suburb called Pinellas Park. Usually, after school, I would walk down to a pool hall that had Asteroids (showing my age, I know) and other video games. It allowed minors in before 8 PM, when the hardcore players and drinkers started roaming in. The place was called Skips, and I knew the owner very well, he often let me sweep up and empty ashtrays for a buck or two. It was in a strip mall next to a laundromat and a slimy check cashing place, about two miles from Hubert Rutland Hospital.

"As I rounded the corner, I could hear yelling and arguing about something... I'm still not sure what. There were two white guys, both wearing blue jeans and orange T-shirts, that looked like they stepped out of a redneck episode of Cops, standing toe-to-toe and screaming curse words at each other. They both had tans like they worked outside, the tall one had blond hair and was clean-shaven, and the shorter one had red hair and a beard. The taller one punched the other guy in the face and dropped him like a rock. He kicked him in the ribs and the face about three times, then two other guys pulled him off him and took him back into the bar. As I stood there, they helped the other guy to his feet, and he looked like a train wreck: his face was all bloody, and his lips were smashed and swollen. Apparently, he was going to his truck and leave, or so we all thought.

"The one guy came out of the bar with his friends in tow and headed back towards the other guy, I suppose to finish the job or something. I was standing about eight to ten feet behind the guy coming out of the bar and as I watched, guy number two stepped out of his truck carrying a single-barrel shotgun cradled in his arms. Before anyone could even react, he pointed the gun directly at the other guy and pulled the trigger. I don't know what kind of shot was in the gun, or how big it was, but it took the top of his head above the eyes right off, and splattered me and two other guys with brains and blood. I stood there in shock, not moving, as the guy hopped in his truck and sped off. The first guy's name was Barry or Larry, because that's what this girl was screaming over and over. I stood there watching this huge pool of blood from underneath this guy form, and within seconds, the cops showed up. They must have been called before the shooting and during the fight.

"I never really got the full story of why it happened, because I was just a kid. The cops just asked me a few questions, called my parents and stuck me in a squad car until my parents arrived, then I was sent home to get cleaned up. I never had nightmares about it, nor was it talked about at the bar, because I didn't know anyone there that day. But I told that story to everyone I knew a hundred times: how the hot blood splattered my face, and the bits of brain tissue were pink and white on my chest, and how it dried brown and yellow on my shirt and pants. I begged my mom to leave the stains in and let me wear them to school, but to no avail. Ah well, such is the life of a minor in the city!"

Now, that's more than just a BRUSH with morbidity - that's a SPLATTER!


Outback Steakhouse Ranch Salad Dressing

This always-popular growing restaurant chain makes a tasty version of creamy ranch dressing for its house and Queensland salads. To get the same unique flavor and creaminess of the original at home, mates, you'll need just one teaspoon of Hidden Valley ranch salad dressing mix swimming in there with the mayo and buttermilk and other spices. Since there are three teaspoons of dressing mix per packet, you'll be able to stretch one envelope three times as far, by crackey!

1 teaspoon Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing mix (buttermilk recipe)
1 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup buttermilk
1/4 teaspoon coarse grind black pepper
1/8 teaspoon paprika
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder

1. Combine all ingredients in a medium bowl. Mix well.
2. Cover bowl and chill dressing for at least 30 minutes before serving. Makes 1 1/2 cups.