365 Stupidest Things Ever Said: May 2007
These stupid quotes are from The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Page-A-Day Calendar 2007.
Tuesday, May 1: Oh, Really?
"I may have said something about the NAACP being un-American or communist, but I meant no harm by it." - Jefferson B. Sessions III (R-Alabama), prior to his serving in the Senate
Wednesday, May 2: A Tad Strange For Couture Ads
NEW AT MACY'S! THE ENERGY, THE ELECTRICITY OF AN UNINHABITED WOMAN!
- ad (thanks to Barbara R. Levings)
Thursday, May 3: Splitting Hairs About Splitting Up
"The band never actually split up... we just stopped speaking to each other and went our own separate ways." - singer Boy George
Friday, May 4: I Know How I'd Interpret It
Plaintiff: A Mr. Smith and I had had a disagreement, the exact nature of which I don't remember, but it was over some aspect of my work that he wanted me to perform in a manner different than, I guess, I was performing it. And Mr. Smith's... excuse my language coming up... Mr. Smith said, "If you f*** with me, I'll kill you."
Lawyer: When he said, "If you f*** with me, I'll kill you," how did you interpret that?
- actual court testimony
Saturday, May 5: We Could Not Fail To Misunderstand This More
"I could not fail to disagree with you less." - British Member of Parliament Boris Johnson
Sunday, May 6: Not Surprising Surprises
"It will come as no surprise to anyone if they spring a complete surprise on us!" - sportscaster covering the World Cycling Championships
Monday, May 7: Nude Navies
NAVY CHANGES SKIRT POLICY, MAKING APPAREL OPTIONAL - headline in the San Diego Union-Tribune
Tuesday, May 8: Just What Kind Of School Is This, Anyway?
Are you a lively and stimulating teacher?
Do you enjoy working within a supportive and caring environment?
Are you happy working alongside dedicated and committed staff?
Are you challenged by articulate, perceptive, and thoughtful children?
If the answers are YES, then this is the wrong school for you.
- ad for a teacher in the Saffron Walden Reporter
Wednesday, May 9: Non-Customer-Attracting Mottos
OUR MOTTO IS TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS THE LOWEST POSSIBLE PRICES AND WORKMANSHIP - sign at a shop in Maine
Thursday, May 10: Funny, Our Candy Is Meatless
"I shouldn't say I'm a vegetarian because I love sweets." - singer LaToya Jackson
Friday, May 11: Regrets, Regrets
"Some of our greatest historical figures have been adulterers. Regrettably, the days have vanished when an ability to do the job in hand came first." - from the London Times
Saturday, May 12: Making Things Perfectly Clear
"The Yankees played the Mets today, and that game was won by the New Yorkers." - Orioles broadcaster Fred Manfra, while giving scores from the out-of-town scoreboard
Sunday, May 13: Gory Sentimental Thoughts
REACH OUT AND HOLD YOUR MOTHER'S HEART - slogan for the Seoul Children's Symphony, South Korea
Monday, May 14: Yes, DO Restate That
"After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain. We will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week... we will have an all-volunteer army. Let me restate that." - President George W. Bush
Tuesday, May 15: Liberal Birth Announcements
"A son was born to Mr. and Mrs. Charles Mulkahey, Garrison St., during the past week. Congratulations, Pete!" - notice in a church bulletin
Wednesday, May 16: Redundant Weather Reporting
"We have very hazardous conditions due to a five-year drought, and lack of rain hasn't helped any, either." - KABC-7 reporter, Los Angeles (thanks to Lin Malki)
Thursday, May 17: Synthetic Scientific Dialogue
"At the risk of being simplistic, what you're looking at is a quasi-neutral matrix of synthetic RNA molecules." - Dr. Alan Harris (Fritz Weaver), in Demon Seed (1977)
Friday, May 18: Isn't This Taking Political Correctness A Little Too Far?
ATOMIC BOMBERS UPSET OVER ENOLA HOMOSEXUAL EXHIBIT - headline in the Northwest Herald (Crystal Lake, Illinois), referring to the Smithsonian Institute's planned exhibit on the dropping of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima by the plane the Enola Gay
Saturday, May 19: Contortionist Sports Managers
"He had gone behind my back right in front of my face." - soccer player Craig Bellamy, complaining about his manager, Graeme Souness
Sunday, May 20: And If God Had Wanted Governors To Make Good Points...
"If God had wanted boys to wear earrings, he would have made them girls." - Alabama governor Dan Siegelman
Monday, May 21: Pressing Questions
"The Queen's speech today is unprecedented, but just how unprecedented is it?" - broadcaster Howard Hughes, Capital FM (UK)
Tuesday, May 22: Satanic Basketball Teams
"Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King." - church bulletin listing
Wednesday, May 23: Not-So-Thrilling Police Blotter Reports
"Personnel at the Farmer's First Bank on N. Cedar Street reported at 10:15 AM on May 13th the discovery of a mound of hair on May 10th." - from the Lancaster (Pennsylvania) Intelligencer-Journal
Thursday, May 24: The Need For More Computer Books For Dummies
Tech support: Okay, sir. We'll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then...
Customer: Don't talk down to me like that! I'm not an idiot! I know what I'm doing!
Tech support: Okay, sir. Please Start, then Find to do a file search.
Customer: How do I do that?
Friday, May 25: Continental-Size Geography Problems
Family Feud host Richard Dawson: Name a country in Africa.
Contestant: South America.
Saturday, May 26: Typical Clintonian Excuses
"There were a lot of times when we were alone, but I never really thought we were." - President Bill Clinton, in his grand jury testimony
Sunday, May 27: Making Second Comings Easier
CHRIST IS COMING!
PLEASE DO NOT OBSTRUCT THESE GATES.
- two signs, one on top of the other (at St. Paul's Cathedral, London)
Monday, May 28: This Gives New Meaning To The Term "Loud Clothing"
"[That was] the shirt heard round the world." - Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Massachusetts)
Tuesday, May 29: Red Sox Announcers and Reality Problems
"I think that ball fooled Nomar. I think it was hit harder than it actually was." - Red Sox sportscaster Joe Castiglione (thanks to Tom Levine)
Wednesday, May 30: Oh, THAT's What You Do With Frozen Food
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST - instructions on a frozen dinner
Thursday, May 31: Thanks For The Insight
"This global terrorism is everywhere." - singer Madonna