Saturday, March 15, 2003

Shout-outs to various people

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALEX! I've very much enjoyed our friendship, and hope you definitely have a good one today! :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ADELA! Now you know what all we've had to put up with through these years of knowing Sean.. ;) It's been great getting to know you, and I hope you have an awesome day! (Sean better remember) See you later! :)

The Ides of March today.. is that spooky enough for ya freaks? ;) Not for me, and apparently not for a couple people I know who are getting married on this very day.

To steal someone else's idea (sorry!).. here are my shout-outs. If you're not on this list, you'll have to wait and see if there's another edition coming along. ;)

Spoz: For always making me laugh, and providing me with amusing thoughts. You cheer me up big-time, dude.. luv ya! :)
Xan: For putting up with me even when I take FOREVER to respond to my messages.. you know I'll get back to you eventually. Thanks for being who you are.
Connie: Thanks for always emailing me the Bible Study attendance in a timely fashion.. you've been a great friend.
John A.: If you ever get to read this, know that it's always been fun talking to you.
Corey: For being humorous and trying to help with my computer problems on occasion.. lots of props to you. Thanks so much for always trying to get me to watch gross horror stuff that you know I won't ever watch, either. ;)
Darren: What can I say about a great guy? I've always enjoyed talking to you.. wish we could do it more often.
Kody: You've always been fun to talk to.. and again, I'm sorry for flipping out on ya.
lel: It's been a real pleasure getting to know you.. Vancouver 2004, here we come!
Phil: Thanks for always being there, and saying hi.. being who you are helps, too.
Chrystal: Awana is so fun with you in it.. I don't think I could do half as good a job as a leader.. that's why I'm "only" a secretary!
Spocko: Thanks for being really strange.. and I mean that with absolute sincerity!
Wolfie: You've been a real friend to me.. I only wish I could repay the debt of gratitude I feel I owe you.
TLD: You've also been a good friend to me.. thanks for your support! Definitely if you ever get over here from Sydney, we should go out for some Pho noodles and bubble tea. :)

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Friday, March 14, 2003

Stay online for longer than two minutes!

Staying in this Friday night.. I'm not even going to take the bus into town for Fellowship later on. Too much trouble, since I don't want to put people out by getting them to drive me back to Richmond.. ah well, allows me time to read the paper and do all this other stuff. :)

By the way, if you message me to talk.. stay online for longer than two minutes! I realize that sometimes you can't, and want to send me quick messages (which is cool), but when the message is "Hey, how are you?" or something of the sort, I'd assume you were going to be online for longer than two minutes. This just happened to me twice in the space of ten minutes.. two different people, to be sure. Oh well.. I'll catch up with you people later... you know who you are, especially since both of you read this blogspot on a regular basis. No, I'm not mad at either of you.. so no worries on that score!

Oh, and both of you DID message me again; then one of you jumped off AIM and onto Yahoo. (the other one said he forgot he messaged me and jumped off.. ah well, it happens) I'll talk to you guys, I promise.. as usual, I'm multi-tasking. So PLEASE don't take it personally if I don't get to you straight away.. I almost never do for anyone, actually.

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UBC Jazz Choir festival is not a punk rock band tour!

My brother's going to be gone for the weekend again.. he's going to be in Edmonton for a festival with the UBC Jazz Choir. Last weekend, he told me to tell everyone that he was really going on tour with a punk rock band.. sure, and then can I have $5 from him when he gets back? (it's my joking fee for fielding endless questions from everyone since he doesn't tell them where he's going: "Where's Jon? Isn't he back yet?") And of course, I'll miss him.. even though I won't hear parody songs about me and certain other subjects. Yep, it'll be just me and my parents.. no foil to be found. Yikes. Sure, I can survive in that situation (I've done it before), but well.. you know how it is when you need other people around that you like! :)

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Thursday, March 13, 2003

Gay As Folk Implosion!

I'd just like to say my fuzzy brain does do me favors and get somewhat obscure musical / pop-culture references at times. This is perhaps evidenced by a brief conversation I just had with Andrew Glancey. His MSN name contained a nice double reference to a TV show and a band.. in only four words, too! (it might be an example of simple complexity, hahaha) He was impressed that I got it: "nice pick-up [with a thumbs-up icon]," indeed. Hey.. at least this proves my brain steers me in the right direction some of the time, at least! :)

The name in question? "G[ay as Folk Implosion]".. cool one! :)


And for those of you who are wondering why I pop online and then offline on various IM programs.. Yahoo and AIM in particular are being evil today. MSN isn't being quite as devilish as it could be, but it's still being cranky. So that's the story I'm sticking to. ;)


Heh, my friend Dylan regularly forgets his own birthday. There was this year where he sorta remembered his birthday was coming up... yet on the day of his birthday, he wondered why his mom was up extra early cooking his favorite dish in the kitchen for breakfast! He kinda remembered then, but it slipped his mind until his brother called from Toronto... then he forgot again until he got ecards from his ex Andrea and his friend Irene. Then he forgot, and wondered why people were so nice to him that day! HAHAHA!

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Entertainment value

And.. I wonder if I provide entertainment value for anybody out there. I don't mean the sort of entertainment value that could happen if people laugh at me. Definitely not that at all. What I mean is.. does anyone out there think I'm entertaining / humorous in my own right? I know some people think I do.. and I definitely think that of other people (names withheld to protect the innocent), but sometimes I wonder.

What I wonder is if I have a lot of humor resident within me.. probably I do. However, I'm certainly not going to use it for ill wherever possible. (like burn people with certain stereotypical jokes if I don't know how the person's going to react) I explain it to people as "yeah, my brother and I like to burn people a lot.. y'know, make fun of them and such." That's backfired for my brother, though.. and for me also. Guess we have to make sure the people involved really know us well. :) I definitely like being around humorous people since they usually make me laugh, and enjoy making people laugh in a GOOD way. Sometimes I like teasing people, I admit.. but it's always in good fun, and hopefully people know that! :D

Actually, I do know that I have a good sense of humor. Heck, if the amount of "HAHAHAHA," "lol" (though you can never tell with this one), "Bwahaha," and such stuff I've got over IMs is any indication.. as well as the hilarious laughter sessions I have with my RL friends as well (sometimes over the most mundane things). I can usually see if someone's trying to be genuinely funny, as well.. but not all senses of humor are the same. Then again, sometimes when I laugh (usually at nothing in particular).. my brother thinks I'm on crack. Who knows why.. things just strike me as funny out of nowhere, I guess.. and that's cool. :)

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If I'm kind and gentle, then Kody is gwei lo laap saap!

I just saw a post where swampbear said I was one of the SDMB's most gentle and caring spirits.. that means a lot to me from someone I've come to respect a lot. Thank you.. that was a really sweet compliment from a sweet person. :) (might not necessarily apply to me a lot of the time, but if someone can see that in me.. well, all I can say is that I'm honored)

Just got off the phone with my friend Yazmine; she's under the impression that she needs a makeover since she's looked the same for many years.. says she'll go goth one day, and punkish the next. I'm not so sure that will work, but hey.. I need one too. But it's good to have great friends with whom you can just talk about stuff for hours.

I'd just like to add that Kody is gwei lo laap saap. ;) For those of you who do know what it means, I'm just joking around.. he isn't really that. And for those of you who don't know what it means, ask me later! Actually, he's a real darling for putting up with me and my insane jokes.. and when I flipped out over some shocking (to me) revelation a couple weekends ago, he took it fairly well. It's fun to talk to him, actually. :)

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Should I go out when it's sunny?

hmm.. it's actually sunny today, so should I go out? probably not, as that probably means spending money! (not that I'm a real cheapskate, but saving money is always a good thing)

on another note, I hear that the gas prices now are as high as 91.5¢ a litre in New Westminster.. that makes me even happier at times that I don't drive. :P

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Hardcore editing!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CARLIE! I know you keep telling Johnson to call me a piece of poo, a mister, and other things.. but I still like seeing you at Awana and church. Hope you have a fun day! :)

I'm glad this editing project is over.. took long enough. (at least 30 hours spread out over three days or so) Decided to go at it hardcore today, so I haven't checked my email in over 24 hours.. let's see what I have, even though I should be going to bed since I'm kinda sleepy. Oh well.. checking email now instead of tomorrow morning is probably a good thing. :)

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Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Heavy rain and wind

just heard on the radio that the heavy rainfall / wind warning will last all through the day and overnight too.. it'll rain for the rest of the week and into the weekend.. guess it's back to normal Vancouver weather (rain, rain, and more rain) for us! definitely will have to get used to it again, especially since it hasn't rained like this for months..

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Jack Bauer has more extra lives than Super Mario.

Jack Bauer Facts!

I'll post these in parts of about 100 each, haha.

1. After each day of saving the world, Jack visits the cemetery to leave a bouquet of flowers at Teri's grave and empty a clip into Nina's.
2. Kim Bauer's dad can beat up your dad.
3. Sony had Jack Bauer beta-test the 24 video game. As soon as he had Chloe widen the parameters, the game was beaten in 60 minutes.
4. Jack Bauer won the Indy 500 in a Ford Explorer.
5. Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
6. Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute. On his cell phone.
7. The Angel of Death has Jack Bauer on speed dial.
8. Walt Cummings really had read Jack Bauer's file. That's why he killed himself.
9. The French surrendered to Jack Bauer. Twice.
10. If there is a will, there is a way. And if that way is through Jack Bauer, you are f*cked.
11. Jack Bauer doesn't need money. "I give you my word" is enough.
12. By special request, Trojan condoms now come in more sizes: regular, large, extra large, and Jack Bauer.
13. Jack Bauer can beat a royal flush.
14. Jack Bauer would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.
15. Jack Bauer can unhook your bra while blindfolded and handcuffed to a pole.
16. Jack Bauer once lost his TV remote, but managed to regain control by calmly telling the television what to do.
17. Jack Bauer went to the Bermuda triangle once. It disappeared.
18. When he was a kid, Jack Bauer didn't play 'red light, green light.' Every light is green for Jack Bauer.
19. Siskel and Ebert once gave Jack Bauer two thumbs down. Siskel is dead. Ebert no longer has thumbs.
20. Whenever your significant other uses the line "It's not you, it's me"... it was really Jack Bauer.
21. Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life. For terrorists, the shortest.
22. Never bring Jack Bauer into your home. You will be arrested for possession of a weapon of mass destruction.
23. Spider-Man kissed Mary Jane upside-down. Jack Bauer would have gotten a bl*wjob.
24. Creators of the 24 video game were shocked to find that everyone who played their game wound up getting shot above the knee. Nobody pushes Jack Bauer's buttons.
25. Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
26. Swiss cheese didn't used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
27. David Palmer did not get that horrible burn on his hand from a biological agent. He got it after he high-fived Jack.
28. Jack toilet-trained Kim at gunpoint.
29. Deathly afraid of Jack Bauer, Minute Rice will fully cook itself in 15 seconds flat.
30. The Earth is only turning because Jack Bauer walks on it.
31. The earth rotates because it's trying to run from Jack Bauer.
32. One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer killed a guy with a flute.
33. James Bond's "License to Kill" was given to him by Jack Bauer.
34. Jack Bauer doesn't swim in shark-infested waters because it wouldn't be fair to them.
35. Jack Bauer once shot his ex-boss' wife in the kneecap just to prove her wrong when she said: "You're not going to shoot me, Jack." Wait, this is a real fact.
36. Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
37. When the other kids were making paper airplanes, Jack Bauer was making paper torture devices.
38. Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists.
39. Jack Bauer's favorite reality show is 24.
40. Because of Jack Bauer, the life expectancy of all Middle Eastern countries has been shortened by fifty years.
41. When Jack Bauer "goes dark," all black women in the world are immediately brought to orgasm.
42. If the show was called Bauer: Texas Ranger, the show would still be in production.
43. Jack Bauer has more extra lives than Super Mario.
44. Jack Bauer once made a blind man see again, then promptly threatened to cut out his eyes if he didn't give him the information he wanted.
45. Any man can piss on the floor. Jack Bauer sh*ts on the ceiling.
46. It takes 46 shots for Kobe Bryant to score 81 points. It takes Jack Bauer 46 shots to kill 46 terrorists.
47. Consenting to be Jack Bauer's partner automatically makes your life insurance null and void.
48. The sole job of the Verizon wireless "can you hear me now" guy is to make sure Jack Bauer always has cell phone reception. The fate of the US and all of the free world depends upon it.
49. Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called 2.
50. Shakira's hips don't lie because Jack Bauer interrogates them continuously.
51. Shakira's hips used to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.
52. Jack Bauer put money in a parking meter and got change.
53. During the childhood game "Duck, Duck, Goose," no one "goosed" Jack Bauer. Ever.
54. Jack Bauer is the reason Enrique Iglesias no longer has that thing on his face. Jack Bauer f*cking hates moles.
55. Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
56. The quickest way to the endangered species list is Jack Bauer.
57. Jack Bauer refused the Godfather's offer.
58. Kim Bauer does not need a guard dog. Instead, she has a sign on her fence that reads, "Beware of Dad."
59. Police label anyone attacking Jack Bauer as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
60. The Devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
61. Why did the terrorist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Jack Bauer could get him.
62. Henderson's men actually took cover behind a water tank. Unfortunately, when Jack Bauer wants an explosion, water turns into natural gas.
63. Jack Bauer yells at his cell phone to recharge it.
64. The last man on Earth will be Jack Bauer, only because he has run out of people to kill.
65. Jack Bauer's hood protects him from corrosive nerve gas and makes him invisible to terrorists.
66. Jack Bauer didn't do heroin for the feeling. He just wanted to make sure he can kill terrorists in any situation. He can.
67. When Jack stares into the sun, the sun flinches.
68. Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16... "You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
69. It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
70. Jack Bauer doesn't get an *rection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants.
71. Normal people have trouble killing two birds with one stone. Jack Bauer can kill thirteen birds simultaneously with a dull pencil.
72. Jack Bauer is awfully sorry about what happened to your two children tonight, but you really shouldn't have dressed them up as terrorists for Halloween.
73. If Jack Bauer were in Rocky VI, there would be no Rocky VII.
74. Capital One doesn't want to know what's in Jack Bauer's wallet.
75. If Jack Bauer started having sex with men, we'd all be gay for having sex with women.
76. In honor of Jack Bauer's saving L.A. for the fifth straight season, Kobe Bryant has changed his jersey number from 8 to 24.
77. Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
78. There must be balance in the world. When Jack Bauer was created, it was necessary to take the masculinity from one for the good of many. And this is why President Logan is such a pussy.
79. Jack Bauer is the reason the housewives are desperate.
80. Jack Bauer once kicked Paris Hilton so hard she got her virginity back.
81. The most valuable thing in the world is Jack Bauer's word. If Jack Bauer gives you his word, you can go to the bank and take out a $10,000,000 loan, no questions asked.
82. David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
83. It only took 3 minutes for Jack Bauer to find out Victoria's secret.
84. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jack Bauer in the face. Jack blinked.
85. Life is all fun and games. That is, unless Jack Bauer finds you playing it. Then it's game over.
86. Jack Bauer once hit two home runs on the same pitch.
87. Jack Bauer is like Achilles without heels.
88. When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
89. Jack Bauer spends an hour each morning practicing saying "NOW!!!"
90. Did you know there was a national disaster last night while you were sleeping? Of course you didn't. Jack Bauer was on duty.
91. If Jack Bauer says he's in a "Flank 2 position" while you are beside him, you are f*cked.
92. Only Jack Bauer can be reinstated on a provisional basis four times.
93. Once, Jack Bauer thought he was wrong. But he was mistaken.
94. The term "power hour" has been replaced by "Bauer hour."
95. Before Heroin, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed... but it only slowed him down.
96. Jack Bauer found and killed the last 0.1% of odor-causing bacteria.
97. "The Following Takes Place Between"... Whenever the f*ck Jack Bauer wants it to.
98. Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
99. The producers of 24 force Jack Bauer to use a stunt double. Not to ensure Jack's safety, but to ensure the safety of the set and its actors.
100. Kiefer Sutherland doesn't play Jack Bauer in 24. Jack Bauer plays Kiefer Sutherland all the time.

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LeeJam and Erin

I'd just like to wish LeeJam and his beloved Erin a very felicitous wedding on Saturday the 15th.. love, congratulations, and best wishes go out to the both of you from Canada. (and yes, they'll more than last by the time they get to Perth or wherever it is that you are now.. Tambellup, I hear) :)

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Tuesday, March 11, 2003

Why Do We Have Friends?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAXINE!!! It's truly been a blessing getting to know you. :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALEXANDRA! I've often wondered what happened to you.. occasionally see you around town, but never say hi. Don't know why.. but I hope you have a good one! :)

Got an email just now with the subject of, "Why Do We Have Friends? Find Out Inside!" I didn't open it, but it reminded me of this time that the Fellowship had a speaker in. I've forgotten what he was talking about that night (possibly spiritual friendships or something along those lines), but one of the questions on a sheet he handed out to us was hilarious!

The question was: "Do you have friends? Why?" Hmm.. I'd hope that most of us have at least a few friends, and can possibly list reasons why we have these friends! (things in common, a sense of humor, good listener, etc.) Alternatively, we COULD say sarcastically: "Noooooo... I don't have friends because I'm a hermit and prefer it that way!" I think the speaker meant something else by the question, but it was still funny.

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Monday, March 10, 2003

Blog quasi-synchronicity about sappy adult contemporary music hate

Before I forget: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ERL! I've very much enjoyed getting to know you, and I hope you have a good one! :)


Note to self: since 96.9 FM is no longer devoted to sappy adult contemporary music (Celine Dion, Dan Hill, etc.), I can now listen to it without fear of a massive sugar overdose leading to diabetes. Jack FM is cooler than 97 KISS FM ever was.. :P I remember my sister's reaction at Christmastime: "What? They changed the station's format? Man.. guess that means I'll have to listen to 103.5 QMFM and 104.3 FM more often, then.." (both adult-contemporary stations) You can bet that I actively tried to avoid car rides where she was the driver after that! (ESPECIALLY since she would roll down the car window and scream at passers-by: "I love my sister!" [she'd do this at traffic lights, too..] not to mention the singing of Celine Dion VERY loudly... yikes, what an experience.. um, yay?) Heck, I much prefer my beloved brother being the driver.. his musical taste more closely approximates mine. :) (even if he DOES sing weird parody songs involving bizarre in-jokes we have..)

Edited 20 minutes later to add: I just discovered that in an odd bit of blog quasi-synchronicity, G has posted about how much he hates 102.3 FM in Adelaide, South Australia. (seemingly featuring the same sort of easy listening / sappy adult-contemporary format) True, his post was within the last day or so (can't really tell due to the time difference.. which I can't calculate worth beans anyways), but I guess it counts. ;)

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Jack Bauer killed Kenny.

Jack Bauer Facts!

I'll post these in parts of about 100 each, haha.


1. Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
2. Jack Bauer doesn't aim. He tells bullets where to go.
3. Jack never played "hide and seek" as a child. Instead, he played "seek and afflict pain" on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted. Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.
4. The last time Jack Bauer got angry... Germany surrendered.
5. Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
6. Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
7. Lost characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
8. To stop the Japanese in WWII, Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber. Instead, he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
9. There isn't anything Jack Bauer can't take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
10. While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles. He charged the battery.
11. If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy.
12. Jack Bauer fought cancer. Now it's safe to smoke.
13. Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant, and they made a crappy movie about it.
14. Every person who has contributed a fact to this site has done so because Jack Bauer was holding a gun to their head.
15. If a tree falls in the forest, it's because Jack Bauer wants it down.
16. The show 24 is always opened with "Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised..." It was recently changed to "Due to Jack Bauer..."
17. Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
18. Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.
19. If you want to make Jack Bauer mad... just use terms like "protocol," "orders," or "civil liberties."
20. Jack's favorite game show is Jeopardy, because they give him the answers before he even has to ask the questions.
21. Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.
22. Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
23. Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Jack Bauer can divide you in half.
24. 50 million people can't be wrong... unless Jack Bauer says so.
25. Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
26. Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.
27. If Jack Bauer ever runs for president, he will be the first person in history to ever have 100% of the votes.
28. Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He's holding one in his hand right now.
29. CTU tried to get Jack Bauer into therapy after his wife's death. By the end of the first session, the psychiatrist had given up all his innermost secrets because Jack Bauer asks the questions.
30. It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
31. The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured, and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week."
32. 24 would be a mini-series if the rest of CTU just got out of the way and let Jack work.
33. In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality.... and before he left hell to come back to life, he b*tchslapped Nina Myers one last time.
34. Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
35. Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.
36. If you're Jack Bauer's boss, you probably won't be when the day is over.
37. There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.
38. Clark Kent called himself Superman... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.
39. Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
40. One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents' authority. He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.
41. Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.
42. Jack Bauer can tell a book by its cover.
43. Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
44. You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
45. Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn. He dares it to grow.
46. Jack Bauer once killed 128.3 men with one bullet. Without a gun.
47. When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
48. Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
49. The proverb "Do unto others..." does not apply to Jack Bauer, because nobody can do what Jack does.
50. Jack Bauer went on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
51. When Big Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn't cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.
52. Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man's chest. It read, "This is what I do to work out."
53. If Jack Bauer could bring anyone back to life (maybe David Palmer, Teri Bauer, Michelle Dessler), he would bring back Nina Myers so he could kill her again.
54. Jack Bauer once beat a guy unconscious, tied him up, pulled the trigger on a gun pointing at said guy's head, then cut off the guy's arm... And that guy was his partner Chase, whom he actually liked. Just imagine what he'd do to you -- a person he doesn't give a f*ck about.
55. Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.
56. Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting. Jack Bauer said, "Start running, Dick."
57. If you replace "Jesus" with "Jack Bauer," the Bible makes more sense.
58. Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have a place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
59. A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
60. If Jack Bauer says there's a wrong way to eat a Reeses, there's a f*cking wrong way to eat a Reeses, and you better not do it.
61. Jack Bauer's influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased former director of CTU, George Mason, was able to make it to the Final Four.
62. Jack didn't shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him. Jack shot him because he said "good luck," which implied the possibility of failure.
63. Nike doesn't show Jack Bauer any advertisements because they know he'll "do it" when he's goddamn ready.
64. There are only 2 types of people in the world:
• Those who will do anything for Jack... and eventually die as a result.
• Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will eventually die as a result.
65. When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked.
66. One time, The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
67. Jack Bauer doesn't buy plane tickets. He stows away in the cargo hold, sneaks into first class, knocks out the air marshal, steals his gun and then get the pilot to take him wherever he wants.
68. Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel. This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
69. Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
70. Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
71. Jack Bauer killed Kenny.
72. Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.
73. Jack Bauer doesn't need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.
74. Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays. Nobody takes a day off for Jack.
75. Jack Bauer can talk about what happens in Vegas outside of Vegas.
76. Jack Bauer cries when he watches The Patriot. Not because he's sad, but because he could have won the Revolutionary War by himself in 24 hours.
77. Despite being white, Jack Bauer was admitted into the Black Panthers not only for his amazing ability, but also because his name rhymes with "Black Power."
78. If Jack says "I just want to talk to him / her," and that him / her is you... well, amigo, you're screwed.
79. Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.
80. Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
81. Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
82. Jack Daniels drinks Jack Bauer. Daniels then suffers a 24-hour hangover.
83. When Jack Bauer asks for your help, he's not asking.
84. Jack Bauer doesn't need a Kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
85. Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANY MORE TIME!"
86. Batman has a Jack Bauer nightlight.
87. When Jack Bauer tells you to jump, you don't ask "How High?" You ask, "When can I come down?"
88. Edmund Burke once stated, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Then he saw season one of 24 and amended his statement to "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vacation."
89. Jack Bauer may have 9 lives, but he is no pussy.
90. Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
91. Someone actually clicked on the "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" link on this site. Jack Bauer proceeded to kick down their door and torture them until they revealed what they knew about the bomb. Now they know who Jack Bauer is.
92. Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.
93. Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
94. A "Bauer movement" is when you crap your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.
95. Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
96. When Neo and Jack Bauer fought, Jack shot him. Nobody dodges Jack Bauer's bullets.
97. Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his airbag.
98. When shocked, normal people say, "Jesus Christ." Jesus says, "Oh My God." God says, "For the love of Jack Bauer."
99. If Jack Bauer had been in The Terminator, Arnold would have never been back.
100. Jack Bauer didn't pull the wings off flies when he was a child. He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.

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Sunday, March 09, 2003

Juicy Fruit gum

WEEKEND WRAP-UP
The snow wasn't TOO bad this weekend at all.. kept to flurries, as advertised. Thank goodness it's all melted now. I may have made David happy with the Juicy Fruit gum, but he didn't like it when I wouldn't give him the whole 12-piece pack! (sorry kid, but I'm rationing it since I only bought eight of those this past week) At least I had my Excel gum.. though one of his sisters said it tasted like toothpaste (spearmint-flavored gum? maybe..) and the other one liked it better than Juicy Fruit! And yes.. I did change the Internet settings so it wouldn't automatically connect. That should be a relief for some of you. ;)

Keep watching this space.. there should definitely be something new coming. ;)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DENNIS! I wonder if your band has done any new music since New Music West a couple years ago.. I have a lot of memories from the "family friend" years. Have a good one, whatever you're doing! :)

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Mom's delusions

I just wish my mum would stop bugging me on Sunday mornings, when I'm not usually at my best. Being with family is okay and all, but does she honestly have to sing weird songs and call me utterly stupid nicknames? It's not going to improve my mood any that I haven't had my optimum amount of sleep.. then she wonders why I'm so "cheerful" with my friends and not with her or the family. Newsflash: it's a little later (albeit an hour or so) in the day, and they don't bug me by doing anything remotely like what she does. She's under the delusion that I like what she does, even after I've told her MANY times that I really do not. If she wants me to be more cheerful toward her, she shouldn't do that kind of thing! What to do.. AIYA..

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If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.

Jack Bauer Facts!

I'll post these in parts of about 100 each, haha.

1. Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
2. Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.
3. Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
4. Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season.
5. A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
6. Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time. It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
7. Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
8. When Jack Bauer pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
9. Nothing can get in between Jack f*cking Bauer. Except for the word "f*cking."
10. There are worse things in life than death. Jack Bauer can do all of them.
11. Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper, nor scissors.
12. A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
13. Jack Bauer casts a shadow so big, most of the world just calls it "night."
14. Jack Bauer doesn't need to give anyone presents, the fact that they're alive is gift enough.
15. Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap. Jack Bauer has morals.
16. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case, the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
17. A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer would not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him.
18. Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
19. Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper. He uses terrorists.
20. If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so f*cking long.
21. There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
22. By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
23. Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
24. Jack's execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa.
25. Every time Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
26. There are two things you can always count on: Death and Jack Bauer causing it.
27. Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0... he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi, and the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices.
28. Jack Bauer does a great Kiefer Sutherland impersonation.
29. Many beautiful women ask Jack Bauer to sleep with them on a daily basis, but he always refuses. Is it because he's gay? No, it's because Jack Bauer doesn't f*cking sleep.
30. Every time Jack Bauer says "Son of a b*tch," a new CTU agent is born.
31. If you park your car illegally in a handicapped space and Jack Bauer catches you, you won't ever have to park illegally again.
32. Kim is proof that "it skips a generation."
33. Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
34. They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim. There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
35. China is now the number one importer of weapons of mass destruction: Jack Bauer.
36. If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.
37. Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
38. The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
39. When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
40. Jack Bauer thought the movie Mission: Impossible was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
41. Jack Bauer doesn't have a middle name. Nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
42. Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn't stop Jack.
43. Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
44. After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
45. Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
46. Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine. That product is known as Red Bull.
47. If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in The Matrix, Zion would have been f*cked.
48. When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.
49. Jack Bauer doesn't lie. He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.
50. President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
51. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
52. Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.
53. The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.
54. Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex. He has sex again.
55. Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.
56. Upon finding David Palmer's dead body, Jack Bauer resurrected him from the dead, trained him to become a special forces soldier, strategically placed him in a group known simply as "the Unit," and moved him to another network.
57. Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.
58. Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
59. Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.
60. Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent-teacher conference..... and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
61. When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
62. God created Jack Bauer on the 7th day, knowing He could rest easy with Jack Bauer in control.
63. Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
64. Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
65. If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
66. Jack Bauer's first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.
67. Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.
68. MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.
69. In school, kids refused to play hide and seek with Jack Bauer, because when Jack found them, he tortured each one of his classmates till they give all possible locations to hide.
70. Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
71. Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be too easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
72. The government takes portions of Jack Bauer's lungs to make gas masks.
73. If Jack Bauer shoots you, it's because he has a plan. If you live, you're part of that plan.
74. Jack Bauer saved money on his car insurance by torturing the gecko.
75. The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
76. The reason Mohammed doesn't want pictures of him drawn is because he's afraid Jack Bauer will recognize him.
77. Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone's first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn't kill them.
78. Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.
79. When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.
80. Jack Bauer could get Edgar Stiles laid.
81. Jack Bauer was brought to China to enforce the one-child policy.
82. Jack Bauer doesn't use pickup lines. He just says, "Hi, my name is Jack Bauer."
83. Jack Bauer knows where the cast of Lost is.
84. Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat. Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
85. Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
86. Jack Bauer once climbed Mount Everest. While at the summit, the President called him with an urgent message. He was back at CTU Los Angeles in 15 minutes.
87. In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.
88. Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.
89. If you have a headache, it's because Jack Bauer is thinking about you.
90. Jack Bauer does not watch breaking news, he breaks the f*cking news.
91. Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.
92. Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One."
93. Commissioner Gordon only rings the Batphone when he can't get an answer on the Bauerphone.
94. Jack Bauer scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
95. When Jack Bauer signs up for a free iPod online, they actually give him one.
96. Jack Bauer doesn't work for the Department of Defense. Jack Bauer is the Department of Defense.
97. "The valley of the shadow of death" refers to anywhere within a 25-mile radius of Jack Bauer.
98. Insurance applications are now required by law to ask: "Are you a friend of Jack Bauer?"
99. Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young. Jack Bauer did the same thing, but with a real bear.
100. Jack Bauer puts the rage in courage.

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