Jack Bauer Facts!
I'll post these in parts of about 100 each, haha.
1. Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.
2. Jack Bauer doesn't aim. He tells bullets where to go.
3. Jack never played "hide and seek" as a child. Instead, he played "seek and afflict pain" on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted. Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.
4. The last time Jack Bauer got angry... Germany surrendered.
5. Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.
6. Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
characters have been known to be killed off when their actor counterpart gets drunk and does something stupid. Jack Bauer gets 3 more seasons when Kiefer Sutherland drunkenly fights with a Christmas tree.
8. To stop the Japanese in WWII, Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber. Instead, he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
9. There isn't anything Jack Bauer can't take down with only a handgun, including helicopters.
10. While in Special Forces, Jack Bauer was captured and submitted to electro-shock torture to the testicles. He charged the battery.
11. If Jack Bauer played Ethan Hunt, it would be Mission Easy
12. Jack Bauer fought cancer. Now it's safe to smoke.
13. Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant, and they made a crappy movie about it.
14. Every person who has contributed a fact to this site has done so because Jack Bauer was holding a gun to their head.
15. If a tree falls in the forest, it's because Jack Bauer wants it down.
16. The show 24
is always opened with "Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised..." It was recently changed to "Due to Jack Bauer..."
17. Jack doesn't get morning wood. He gets morning steel. Stainless steel.
18. Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.
19. If you want to make Jack Bauer mad... just use terms like "protocol," "orders," or "civil liberties."
20. Jack's favorite game show is Jeopardy
, because they give him the answers before he even has to ask the questions.
21. Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.
22. Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
23. Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Jack Bauer can divide you in half.
24. 50 million people can't be wrong... unless Jack Bauer says so.
25. Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.
26. Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.
27. If Jack Bauer ever runs for president, he will be the first person in history to ever have 100% of the votes.
28. Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He's holding one in his hand right now.
29. CTU tried to get Jack Bauer into therapy after his wife's death. By the end of the first session, the psychiatrist had given up all his innermost secrets because Jack Bauer asks the questions.
30. It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
31. The only reason Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught, tortured, and killed is because Jack Bauer is saving that for "Sweeps Week."
would be a mini-series if the rest of CTU just got out of the way and let Jack work.
33. In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality.... and before he left hell to come back to life, he b*tchslapped Nina Myers one last time.
34. Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
35. Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.
36. If you're Jack Bauer's boss, you probably won't be when the day is over.
37. There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who fear Jack Bauer, and those who are Jack Bauer.
38. Clark Kent called himself Superman... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.
was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."
40. One time when Jack Bauer was a kid, he invoked Section 112 Protocol overwriting his parents' authority. He made them go to their rooms for 2 hours. They stayed for 3.
41. Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.
42. Jack Bauer can tell a book by its cover.
43. Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
44. You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know. It's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
45. Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn. He dares it to grow.
46. Jack Bauer once killed 128.3 men with one bullet. Without a gun.
47. When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.
48. Jack Bauer irons his own clothes... while he's wearing them.
49. The proverb "Do unto others..." does not apply to Jack Bauer, because nobody can do what Jack does.
50. Jack Bauer went on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
51. When Big Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn't cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.
52. Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man's chest. It read, "This is what I do to work out."
53. If Jack Bauer could bring anyone back to life (maybe David Palmer, Teri Bauer, Michelle Dessler), he would bring back Nina Myers so he could kill her again.
54. Jack Bauer once beat a guy unconscious, tied him up, pulled the trigger on a gun pointing at said guy's head, then cut off the guy's arm... And that guy was his partner Chase, whom he actually liked. Just imagine what he'd do to you -- a person he doesn't give a f*ck about.
55. Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.
56. Dick Cheney asked Jack Bauer if he wanted to go hunting. Jack Bauer said, "Start running, Dick."
57. If you replace "Jesus" with "Jack Bauer," the Bible makes more sense.
58. Jack Bauer created the Internet simply to have a place to upload stuff to Chloe O'Brian.
59. A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
60. If Jack Bauer says there's a wrong way to eat a Reeses, there's a f*cking wrong way to eat a Reeses, and you better not do it.
61. Jack Bauer's influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased former director of CTU, George Mason, was able to make it to the Final Four.
62. Jack didn't shoot Ira Gaines because he was pulling a gun on him. Jack shot him because he said "good luck," which implied the possibility of failure.
63. Nike doesn't show Jack Bauer any advertisements because they know he'll "do it" when he's goddamn ready.
64. There are only 2 types of people in the world:
• Those who will do anything for Jack... and eventually die as a result.
• Those who are secretly plotting to betray Jack, and who will eventually die as a result.
65. When the doctor who delivered Jack Bauer saw that baby Jack wasn't crying, he spanked him. Baby Jack then turned around and broke the doctor's neck. Jack Bauer does not enjoy being spanked.
66. One time, The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
67. Jack Bauer doesn't buy plane tickets. He stows away in the cargo hold, sneaks into first class, knocks out the air marshal, steals his gun and then get the pilot to take him wherever he wants.
68. Season 5 of 24
was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel. This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
69. Jack Bauer is not thankful for each day. Each day is thankful for Jack Bauer.
70. Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.
71. Jack Bauer killed Kenny.
72. Jack Bauer laughs at the movie Mission Impossible
. There is no such thing as an impossible mission for Jack.
73. Jack Bauer doesn't need to carry an umbrella, he can dodge rain.
74. Jack Bauer gets his mail delivered on Sundays. Nobody takes a day off for Jack.
75. Jack Bauer can talk about what happens in Vegas outside of Vegas.
76. Jack Bauer cries when he watches The Patriot
. Not because he's sad, but because he could have won the Revolutionary War by himself in 24 hours.
77. Despite being white, Jack Bauer was admitted into the Black Panthers not only for his amazing ability, but also because his name rhymes with "Black Power."
78. If Jack says "I just want to talk to him / her," and that him / her is you... well, amigo, you're screwed.
79. Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.
80. Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.
81. Terrorists get their kids to sleep at night by threatening them with Jack Bauer.
82. Jack Daniels drinks Jack Bauer. Daniels then suffers a 24-hour hangover.
83. When Jack Bauer asks for your help, he's not asking.
84. Jack Bauer doesn't need a Kevlar vest to stop bullets. That's what key witnesses are for.
85. Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANY MORE TIME!"
86. Batman has a Jack Bauer nightlight.
87. When Jack Bauer tells you to jump, you don't ask "How High?" You ask, "When can I come down?"
88. Edmund Burke once stated, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Then he saw season one of 24
and amended his statement to "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for Jack Bauer to be on vacation."
89. Jack Bauer may have 9 lives, but he is no pussy.
90. Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
91. Someone actually clicked on the "Who the hell is Jack Bauer" link on this site. Jack Bauer proceeded to kick down their door and torture them until they revealed what they knew about the bomb. Now they know who Jack Bauer is.
92. Jack Bauer saved Private Ryan.
93. Jack Bauer doesn't use a watch. He tells time by how many terrorists he has killed.
94. A "Bauer movement" is when you crap your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.
95. Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
96. When Neo and Jack Bauer fought, Jack shot him. Nobody dodges Jack Bauer's bullets.
97. Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his airbag.
98. When shocked, normal people say, "Jesus Christ." Jesus says, "Oh My God." God says, "For the love of Jack Bauer."
99. If Jack Bauer had been in The Terminator
, Arnold would have never been back.
100. Jack Bauer didn't pull the wings off flies when he was a child. He pulled the arms off the boys who pulled the wings off flies.
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