Steveston Pizza, Timothy's, Spoons, and Disneyland

Henry picked me up this afternoon, and we spent a few minutes talking about his recent trip to Disneyland: his nieces definitely liked it, for sure! Got to Awana, where Chrystal said she couldn't meet with me this week: fair enough! Melia said Vanessa would come by at 5:30, Jessica said that the park outing was next week, and I told Auntie Vivian that I wouldn't be there two weeks from now because of the wedding. Of course she understands - I'll be busy doing family stuff! When Vanessa got to the church, we left; talked about Angus / Mike / Emily in Las Vegas, gambling, heat, smoking / drinking, casinos not letting children in, the carpet difference between the hotel and the casino, Sean's New York grad this upcoming week, and more. Saw a bunch of people (Christon, Vivian S., Gabriel, Karen, Lincoln, Eric, Jon, Harmony, Daniel, Michelle, Richie, Steph, Grandma) at the townhouse - poor Vanessa had an audience to watch her park on the lawn!

We had stuff from Steveston Pizza for dinner - of course, Steph had to order the Harmony Pizza! Jon and I amused ourselves by asking Grandma whether she'd like some pizza: of course not! We played the Spoons video for people, talked about wedding stuff, tried some Krispy Kremes and beer (LA FIN DU MONDE / German stuff / Thirsty Beaver's Amber Ale / raspberry porter - Viv was NOT a fan!), and looked at a very special book. Eric asked whether I found my keys, and shook his head when I said that I'd found them at 3 AM, hidden by shirts and jackets on the chair behind me. Hey, it's TRUE, man! I asked Jon about the Sunday Dinner, but he said that there was a dinner after the bridal shower tomorrow, and I should maybe go to that one... this was confirmed a few hours later by Holly getting my and Steph's phone numbers from him, and calling Steph since I was there. We're going, definitely! Christon then said that he didn't know how much to buy if it was just him, Jon, Nate, and Jeremy for the Sunday Dinner!

I heard that Jeremy apparently dances like a 50-year-old... interesting, indeed. Gotta show HIM the poo calendar since I know he'll enjoy it... and before HE goes all crazy on me, also! We got three salads with the pizza, and one had sauce which looked like poo. When Jon said something to me about brown sauce, I told him that it would actually be more like red sauce right now! He turned to Harmony and told her that this was how our family was - so true! I bet Myles would just be grossed out if Harmony or Holly said something like that to him, heh. After pizza, we all walked to Timothy's Frozen Yogurt (peach / mango / mixed berry / white chocolate / raspberry) - I was okay with it, and saw a treehouse which matched the main house PERFECTLY!

There were a lot of people at the frozen yogurt place - Richie didn't know I lived on my own (had a busy week with Calgary friends), and Christon asked me about books and such. Steph planned things accordingly, so that was good. Later, I got a ride home after my mom gave me some Gobstoppers - haven't had them in forever! They used to sell them at a Heritage Village, but I bet that's gone now. Spoons sounded very intense, so it was a good thing I didn't play! Mom got back, and confused Twister with Spoons - we don't want to know how she learned what "spooning" means! It was a pretty good night, so yay for that!

You're the one who's obsessed, not me...

HA. I WAS RIGHT. I knew someone has been avoiding me, even couching the Wordscraper non-use in polite terms. Now he's sent me an email since he thinks we need to seriously discuss / pray about my FB usage. Sure, I do use it a lot, and I could probably stand to cut it down. But he's admitted openly to blocking me since he thinks I'm obsessing over him - AS IF! I really don't think that's the case at all - if anyone's obsessive here, it's him since he also openly admits to monitoring my FB usage towards him in the last few days. He thinks it's disturbing; well, so do I when his behavior is directed at me! Especially if he thinks I need a psychiatrist / psychologist: shades of Randal and Korey thinking that I needed counselling last year!

I knew there was a reason why I don't feel anything toward him anymore. Time to move on and find new people to sit with! Honestly, most other people haven't complained about being tagged in the poo notes, or about SuperPokes. Yes, I do realize this takes up people's news feeds, but it's not like it's JUST HIM! I tag 30 people in the poo notes each time, and SuperPoke ten times that number! Stupid men... since he admits to blocking me, I can now do the same to him without fear of consequence. I'll avoid him, too... if I need to talk to anyone, I'll talk to Eric about it instead. (so not mature, but meh...)

Judith L. added me to Facebook; I have no idea why, so I'll ignore that. Interesting middle name, though: Felicetta. Steph called to randomly invite me to Spoons Night at 6 - I knew I'd heard Christon talking about it some time ago in the context of an Evite, so that at least is good. Vanessa will swing by the church and pick me and Melia up, which is better than getting Ada to drop me off. I still remember what her son Ian said about the Sikh temple the night of Vanessa H.'s birthday party in Steveston: "Are we still in Canada? Is that Disneyland?" HAHAHAHA, cute kids!

Facebook quizzes taken from Jennifer J., Veronica, Gretchen:

Leslie took the Which of the 7 Dwarfs are you? quiz and the result is Grumpy. You are sometimes negative, and don't want to do anything that you don't have to or want to. If someone makes you do anything, you don't give your best, and try to get away with doing as little as possible. While you have friends, you can't handle too many at once, because you get annoyed easily. (I don't know about THAT... sometimes, it may be true, but not ALL THE TIME!)

Leslie took the What Should Be Airbrushed on the Side of Your Van? quiz and the result is some nerdy outer-space shit. You are sort of a dork, and you are probably skinny and wear glasses and breathe through your mouth. But, HEY! You got a van, so why not style it up a little bit with some outer space shit like planets and rockets and what-not? You could "own" the nerd thing and maybe toss in a graphic calculator or a Linux penguin. But my advice would be to sex it up a little bit by tossing in a naked robot chick with a Mohawk and huge boobs, surfing through space on a Flying V guitar.

Leslie completed the quiz "That's not even a question." with the result muddy boot. It's pretty much a staple in any diet. (A random quiz - just what I like! YAY!)

Leslie took the quiz How much are you addicted to the internet? and the result is You Are 52% Addicted to the Internet. You're somewhat addicted to the internet - but who isn't? You can keep it under check, and you're by no means a hermit.

I've finally found my keys, obscured by shirts!

Kempy added me to Facebook again - okay, I can deal with that!

I HAVE FOUND MY KEYS! They were on the chair behind me, obscured by shirts and jackets. {I was inspired by what Korey told me last year about my bus pass - I asked him to look for it once while I was gone. When I got back, he said that it was under a pile of clothes.) PHEW! I know Eric hoped I'd find the keys, so that's good.

Corey's take on this:

[19:02:09] Flami: learning about martyrs: where are my keys?
[19:03:59] Corey: on your key ring
[19:24:04] Flami: yes, but where is that?
[19:24:25] Flami: did someone come in, steal my keys, and leave?
[19:29:57] Flami: if only I could remember where I put my keys on Monday after doing the laundry
[19:33:15] Corey: in the washing machine?
[19:37:18] Flami: I already looked - none
[19:40:16] Corey: sounds like you need those keyrings that beep when you clap or whatever it is :P
[19:40:33] Corey: you didn't leave them in whatever door needed to be unlocked? (not sure if there is one other than yours)
[19:54:04] Flami: I don't think so... and it might be that I need the other things you were talking about
[20:20:29] Corey: well, keep looking... you don't want to lose your keys.... maybe you just put them down in a weird spot when you came back
[20:35:44] Flami: I have spare ones, but I don't want to use those if possible... maybe I did, but where would it be... hmmm...
[21:52:46] Corey: any luck?
[22:42:38] Flami: no idea where it is
[23:21:18] Flami: I wish I could hypnotize myself so I can figure out what I did with them!
[23:22:08] Corey: are they in your pocket or your hand? :P
[23:22:36] Corey: whenever I can't find something and I've looked all over, it's usually in some completely stupidly obvious place
[23:56:41] Flami: no, and no
[23:57:12] Flami: I'd have been out and home again at this point if they were... at least, I hope so
[00:55:06] Flami: this is not helping
[01:00:01] Corey: well... you better retrace your steps as much as you can... maybe go to the office there and see if anyone turned anything in
[01:05:11] Flami: at this time?! maybe tomorrow... then again, it is the weekend...
[01:07:07] Corey: well, you don't want someone else to find them and go snoop around your apartment or something :P
[01:10:31] Flami: that's for sure... I wish I knew a hypnotherapist
[01:11:27] Corey: how about a hypochondriac?
[01:22:59] Flami: I don't see how that would help
[01:24:02] Corey: it sounds similar, so it'll work
[01:24:59] Flami: are you sure?
[01:25:07] Corey: of course
[01:25:31] Corey: have you tried looking in your crayon box that your mom took away for a week when she caught you drawing things on the wall?
[01:25:48] Corey: that's where Ernie turned out to be when I couldn't find him
[01:27:57] Flami: I don't have a crayon box around here, so that won't work
[01:28:17] Corey: go buy one
[01:28:20] Corey: then look in it
[01:28:56] Flami: since when is that going to work?
[01:32:28] Corey: I'm telling you, Ernie was in the crayon box
[01:32:31] Corey: we looked EVERYWHERE
[01:33:03] Flami: and I believe you... but I really don't think looking in a brand-new crayon box from the store will produce my keys
[01:40:06] Corey: well, that's where I'd look :P
[01:50:00] Flami: well, it's not there.
[01:50:31] Corey: well, is it in your mailbox?
[01:58:13] Flami: I don't have a mailbox
[01:59:01] Corey: did you flush them down the toilet?
[01:59:58] Flami: now, why would I do that?
[02:01:58] Corey: well maybe you took them in there or something :P
[02:14:00] Flami: I highly doubt I did a thing like that...
[02:14:34] Flami: last year, I misplaced my bus pass or something... I asked K to look for it while I was gone - he found it under a pile of books or clothes
[02:14:52] Corey: well, if you haven't looked there, it wouldn't hurt :P
[02:16:56] Flami: that's true... I'll look now
[02:19:40] Corey: did you look through all your laundry? maybe it fell in with the clothes or something
[02:38:01] Flami: I've folded the laundry, so it can't be it
[02:38:28] Flami: I JUST FOUND THEM
[02:38:52] Flami: they were on the chair behind me, hidden by shirts
[02:45:04] Corey: well, that's good :) so not too far off from your hand or your pocket :P
[02:50:32] Flami: no, not too far then :) I could have used my spare set of keys to go out earlier, but I was too frantic :P
[02:55:18] Corey: FRANTIC TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
[02:55:30] Corey: MY LIFESTYLE!!! DETERMINES MY DEATHSTYLE!!!
[02:55:35] Corey: FRANTIC TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
[02:55:42] Corey: what a terrible song.........
[02:56:03] Flami: doesn't sound too great, no :P
[02:56:33] Corey: it's from Metallica's St. Anger album.. the second newest. the entire album is just awful
[02:57:01] Corey: like, people literally returned it because they were sure something was wrong with it
[02:57:50] Corey: the songs are garbage, and they decided to get rid of solos, which Metallica always has... while they were saying this was a return to their roots or something...
[02:58:35] Corey: and Lars plays these drums that sound like he's banging on garbage cans or something.... then they did something in the studio during the mixing or whatever that just makes it sound like your speakers are messed up...
[02:59:32] Corey: so it's these droning songs, while Hetfield screams stupid shit like what I typed before, and Lars is endlessly banging on pots and pans, and your speakers sound broken........ it has to be one of the worst albums by a huge popular band ever made
[03:00:14] Corey: they put Frantic in Guitar Hero Metallica... thankfully that's the only St. Anger song they used, but it's too much :P
[03:01:20] Flami: well, it sounds bad if people literally returned it to stores for that reason
[03:01:21] Corey: they ruined their newest CD, too... they got their act together as far as the music goes.... not as good as their old stuff, but pretty decent, then they compressed the fuck out of it and boosted the volume all the way up, so the sound is all distorted and shitty... it's almost unlistenable.
[03:02:33] Corey: they released that album on Guitar Hero as a downloadable thing, and that meant Neversoft had a copy of the masters before it was compressed to hell... the Guitar Hero version sounds a million times better
[03:03:14] Corey: also in Guitar Hero Metallica, Frantic doesn't sound like the speakers are broken and the drums don't sound as awful.... the song still sucks, but they made it sound so much better
[03:03:35] Corey: and those two albums were produced by two different people, but they're two of the biggest in the whole industry...
[03:03:54] Corey: so these days, the very best literally destroy the sound quality on CDs....
[03:05:19] Corey: look at that... the top two blue things are the waveforms of a song on the CD, the bottom two are the same song in Guitar Hero
[03:06:12] Corey: the top two are maxed out for almost the entire song... which means it's playing at the end of the range, and anything higher than that is simply deleted since there's no room, it's at the end of the space available to store the sound
[03:06:28] Corey: in Guitar Hero... instead of being a solid wall, it like, goes up and down and has range and doesn't sound like total shit :P
[03:07:07] Corey: so, these days some video game company is by far superior to the best studio people in the business :P pretty sad
[03:09:07] Corey: when that CD came out, several of the studio guys that worked on it made statements online to basically say "sorry about the awful quality, but it was like that before it got to me so I couldn't fix it!"
[03:10:20] Corey: but anyway, Frantic. bad song :P
[03:14:09] Flami: I'm looking at the waveform... that doesn't seem good, no
[03:15:59] Corey: Loudness War will explain it better than I can, but basically they keep making recordings louder and louder... the idea is so when it's on the radio, it stands out the most. but now everything is maxed out, and it just ruins the music
[03:17:01] Corey: having range in the music is good.... but they go beyond ruining that because you actually lose information whenever it hits the edge like that... so when the whole damn thing is maxed out on the edge for the entire song, it sounds BAD....
[03:23:07] Corey: that's better... it's a two-minute video and shows you how it works :P
[03:24:36] Corey: except new CDs are way, way, way worse than the example given there :P
[03:27:35] Corey: and there's one that shows the difference on those Metallica songs... the Guitar Hero ones are quieter, but turn it up and it won't be all scratchy-sounding and you can hear the drums :P

Cute, Simpsons, Texas, Ohio, and pooping at work

This thing restarted AGAIN! Michelle Christmas unfriended me on Facebook, but that's okay since we didn't interact much after she decided not to play Wordscraper. I was loath to play Lexulous or Scrabble on Facebook, anyhow.

Leslie's just got their Cute Name. I just got my Cute Name. It's Moopiehead.

Leslie's just got their Simpsons Character Name. I just got my Simpsons Character Name. It's Baby Gerald, One-eyebrowed baby.

Leslie just took the Which Oscar Should You Win Quiz. I should win the Oscar for Best Nude Scene. (... I don't THINK so!)

Leslie completed the quiz "What color crayon are you?" with the result Purple. You are fun-loving and can be counted on! You are super cool and easygoing. You never let anything bug you for too long.


Facebook quizzes taken from Jennifer J., Itamar, Jane:

Leslie completed the quiz "What That 70's Show character are you?" with the result Fez. You are Fez. You are often misunderstood and therefore spoken for.

Leslie completed the quiz "How Texan are you?" with the result 50% Texan. You're probably one of those Texans who lives right on the border. Border Texans are traitors! Pick a side already. I guess that would only make you half responsible for knowing these facts.... still. Pick a side anyways!

Leslie took the How much of an OHIOan are you? quiz and the result is 50% ... You're almost half Michigan and half OHIO, which is sad, seeing as how Michigan sucks. You probably just know someone that lives in Ohio.

Leslie completed the quiz "What temple should you get married in?" with the result Jackson County, Missouri Temple. Although not yet built, this temple has quite a bit of promise. (Since you're young, it shouldn't matter too much.) The expected location of Christ's first reappearance in the Second Coming, your wedding will take place in a historic landmark. Make sure you and your spouse are prepared for all this temple has to offer. (I'm not Mormon, but I was bored enough to take this quiz!)


Poo nugget for this weekend: Work Hazards - While persistent foul-smelling stool can be a sign of underlying disease, the occasional rotten-smelling poo should not be cause for health concern. When depositing a rotten-smelling poo in a stall at work, however, your reputation could be at risk. In these instances, it is highly recommended that you leave the stall of stench as quickly and stealthily as possible. Then, take a long walk outside while praying mightily that the smell hasn't permanently embedded itself into your clothes.

She really might have a headache...

This just restarted... AGAIN!

These tips are from The Husband Book: A Guy's Guide To Marriage by Harry Harrison Junior, which I plan to give to my brother for his wedding.

Health

Take care of yourself. One of your primary jobs as a husband is to stay around.

Make sure she gets regularly-scheduled checkups.

Go with her to her mammograms. It's incredible how many husbands will let their wives go alone to an exam that could change their lives forever.

Exercise. A fat, out-of-shape husband is as attractive as a fat, out-of-shape wife.

Buy her sunscreen.

Buy her a health-club membership.

When you get sick, she'll want to take care of you. Let her for a while.

Unless you graduated from medical school, realize most women instinctively know more about taking care of their children than most men. Biological fact.


Sex

Invite God into the bedroom.

Show her affection throughout the day, not just in bed.

Buy a book if you need to.

Shave.

Remember, the very worst thing you can do to your sex life is criticize her or make her feel bad about herself.

Recognize that sometimes all she wants is to be hugged.

Remember, the Cosmo girl is fiction.

Never use unsatisfactory sex as an excuse to fool around. She's probably having as bad a time as you are.

If a two-year-old has been throwing up on her and she's been sitting in a carpool lane with the air conditioner off and she rushed to put dinner on and her mother is giving her grief, realize this might be a bad time.

She really might have a headache.

Learn how to give her a massage.

Have a good travel agent.

Buy a lock for your bedroom door.

Remember that nothing temporarily ruins sex like a baby. For both of you.

Don't be afraid to talk about sex with her. Most men find this as difficult as speaking Latin.

Start early. Even the most passionate parents find themselves unconscious by 10:30 PM.

Don't believe what you read in the magazines.

Introduce your kids to Saturday morning cartoons.

Continue to make passes at her. Even when she's seventy.

Come home regularly with flowers. You never know when it will pay off.

Remember, criticism is not an aphrodisiac.

If you are a kind and considerate lover, don't worry about your "performance."

Remember these words: "How would you like to go to Hawaii?"

In-laws and problems (not necessarily related)

Why am I not surprised that this thing restarted?!

These tips are from The Husband Book: A Guy's Guide To Marriage by Harry Harrison Junior, which I plan to give to my brother for his wedding.

In-Laws

She will think your parents are goofy; you will think hers are lock-up material. You will both be right.

Never, ever say she's like her mom.

Don't be stunned if her father looks and acts a little like you.

Since you love her, chances are good you'll love her brothers and sisters.

Never forget she's big on family stuff. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, vacations. She wants to be surrounded by those who love her.

If she's just had a rip-roaring scream-out with her mom, you have two options: seek shelter or comfort her. Neither decision will really be right.

She will take seriously every niece's, cousin's, aunt's, and uncle's birthday and Christmas gift. Don't gripe about the costs.

If talking to her mom really unnerves her, that's reason enough for Caller ID.

Her mother will give you some truly strange gifts. Smile and nod.

If she wants to give her parents money, be gentle here. She knows your bank account balance.


Problems

If you focus on her defects, they will only grow in your mind.

Even if she's wrong, let go of the compulsion to control her.

Focus on what's good and right and wonderful about her. Soon, that's all you'll be able to see.

Your happiness shouldn't rest on what she thinks of you. You can avoid a huge fight by not forcing her to see your sainthood.

Low self-esteem can lead to fighting. If you feel bad about yourself, you'll feel bad about her.

If every time you drink, you have a fight with her... stop drinking.

If your marriage was founded on drinking, sex, and parties... don't be stunned when things go south in a couple of years.

Never go through her purse. It's none of your business what's in there. You won't be able to figure it out anyway.

Never read her diary or her letters unless she gives them to you. You don't want to know.

She'll tolerate your being sick for a couple of days. After that, get up and go to work.

You're entitled to a life of sobriety and sanity and happiness. So is she. So are your kids. Never forget that.

When children start getting into trouble, make the hard decisions together.

Keep in mind your children will constantly watch both of you - are you drinking, is she drinking, are you taking pain pills all day? What are you teaching them?

Understand problems will happen. Problems are part of life... divorce doesn't have to be.

Remember, you made an oath before God to love her forever, not just to love her during the good times.

Spend at least an hour talking with her every night. This will eliminate a lot of problems before they start.

The earlier you bring God into your marriage, the stronger it will be.

Remember, laughter and love exit a marriage about the same time.

Recognize something's haywire if you regularly start losing your temper, trying to change her, or trying to control everything in her life.

Never consider divorce as an option, and it won't be.

Don't be her enabler if she's drinking or using.

Realize that grown adults don't get drunk or stoned. If you're doing one or both, then it's time to grow up.

Don't expect perfection out of her or you. Life will be smoother.

Remember these statistics: 25 percent of marriages have to deal with alcoholism, 22 percent with drug addiction, 28 percent with infidelity, 40 percent with a financial crisis, 100 percent with each other.

Don't get mad because she gets afraid. Understanding, love, sympathy, and talking go a long way during tough times.

Be able to talk about your problems with other men. You'll be amazed how many have walked in your shoes.

Be willing to do some things without her that further your own spiritual growth. This could be dinner with other men, going to ball games, or going to a prayer group.

Realize no situation is hopeless. And as long as you're together, you can survive anything.

Remember, an affair doesn't just happen. It's a decision, one that you can decide not to do.

Expect a miracle every morning.

Turn your marriage over to God, praying that His will be done. This will mean, of course, that what you want will no longer matter.

If she says or does something to upset you, think before you react.

Realize any addiction is a sickness - just like cancer or heart disease.

Don't go to bars or clubs without your wife. You'll get what you deserve, and she deserves better.

Remember there isn't a marriage problem that love, compassion, forgiveness, and kindness can't solve. And you may be the one who has to offer them first.

Don't make her guess if something's wrong. It's astonishing how many grown men act like small children when it comes to communication with their wives.

If you find yourself even thinking about having an affair, act like an adult and seek professional and spiritual guidance.

From day one, make sure she believes you'll stand by her.

Don't be afraid to join a support group if you have to. It will help both you and her.

Realize you both have your own paths to follow, you both have your own problems to solve, and until you heal individually, you'll never heal as a couple.

If a marriage counsellor hasn't made a difference in six months, go to another counsellor.

Decide to love her... no matter what. You have that power.

If you can't let her live your life without criticism or control on her part, you have a problem.

Crisis in a family is inevitable. Letting a crisis rip your marriage apart is optional.

Early on, develop a relationship with your priest, rabbi, or minister. They will be a touchstone to the spiritual for you.

Forget the ridiculous idea that one of you can "go home" to the parents. You are home. Work it out.

Chocolate, Muppets, FAMILY GUY, Jane Austen, and more

David H. finally added me to Facebook - yay! Called Eric to confirm stuff, so that went off splendidly. I gotta eat before leaving, of course..... if I can find my keys! Edit half an hour later: Since I can't, I won't go!

Leslie just took the "Hmm What Kind Of Chocolate Would You Be.." quiz and the result is Flake. You like to be broken easily. Also, when you're unwrapped, you go into crumbly pieces. You will always be under pressure. You're just like a snowflake! Every step you take, it'll be broken just right. However... hmm... boy, are you tasty!


Facebook quizzes taken from Katherine, David L., and Shannon:

Leslie took the Which Jane Austen Character Are You? quiz and the result is Elizabeth Bennet. You are intelligent, loving, and sociable. You're confident and dynamic character never lets you pass unnoticed. You are decisive and strong-headed, but also passionate and understanding. Sometimes you may be driven by prejudice, but you are open-minded and allow the facts to change your mind in the end... You are on the right way to happiness. Never give up on love!

Leslie took the What Family Guy character are you? quiz and the result is Lois Griffin. You are a devoted person who loves your family and your partner. You keep your family safe and secure. You also have some kind of crazy psycho kinky side who gets their kicks from being physically abused, belittled, and so forth. You could have done much better then what you have, but your relationship seams to work, funnily enough.

Leslie just took the "Which Simpson are you" quiz and the result is Homer. You are Homer.

Leslie took the What Muppet are you? quiz and the result is Fozzie Bear. Wacka, wacka, wacka. You are fearless. It is important to you to be accepted by your friends as well as everyone else in the room. You missed class the day they handed out the funny jokes, but you work hard to make up for it. Don't worry though, you are a cute and cuddly teddy bear! We love you anyway, despite of your efforts!

Leslie just took the "How many kids will you have?" quiz and the result is Twins. You will have one boy and one girl, and they will be twins. You will love them, and they will be the best thing that ever happened to you! You will love them, and they will love you. They may be a little ornery at times, but you will still love them the same as before they got into trouble. :)

Squatting, neutral evil, dreaming of clinginess in an elevator

I had a weird dream which consisted of Angela V. being all high and mighty around me and my friends. We didn't like it, so we got away to Uncle Joe's (Harmony's dad) place - he didn't mind at all. He suggested that we come with him on a trip, so we did. The only problem was that we had to bring far more towels and candy bits than were necessary, but we just complained among ourselves. When we got to this tall conference building, a bunch of us wanted to check out the cafeteria amenities. We did, and found the food much to our liking.

On our way back, we went into an elevator which proceeded to not recognize any of our directions at all. The red numbers went from M to 22 to even higher, then would drop just as suddenly. Fabian (not the one I know) just clung to me almost all the time - I didn't mind, as I also needed some security. Finally, we were able to call out and somehow fix the machine. When we got to our floor, we found that grape candy and cherry candy (like Nerds) were on display in a glass counter. That was where the dream ended... no idea where that came from!


Facebook quizzes taken from Mike B., Jennifer L., Noel, Kelly, Kaili, Valdimar, and Mandy:

Leslie completed the quiz "Which Firefly Character Are You?" with the result Shepherd Book. You are Book, a sort of "ship's chaplain" on Serenity, not that they would ever admit they need one. Wise and mature, you have experienced life and learned much from it. A bit of a mystery, you are always ready to provide a word of counsel, advice, or scripture. Kind and loving, you desire to take care of everyone. Slow to action, you always think things through before deciding what path to take. You also love the outdoors and gardening, and are an excellent cook. As long as you keep your hair tied back, everything will be fine.

Leslie completed the quiz "Which Movie Musical Leading Lady Are You?" with the result Eliza Doolittle. You are Eliza! You're rough-around-the-edges, fiercely proud and street savvy, and like it that way. You may turn people off where first impressions are concerned, but once they see the real you, they more than likely come around. You are a beautiful, unique individual with interesting stories and points of view to share, and one hardly ever tires of listening to your colorful words. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!

Leslie completed the quiz "How Portuguese are you?" with the result You are 100% Portuguese! You are a 100% homegrown Portuguese. From your everyday lifestyle and knowledge, you live and breathe the Portuguese spirit. The Portuguese blood runs through your veins!

Leslie completed the quiz "The Crazy Test!" with the result You are 20% psycho! You are what society considers "normal." You might have some very slight quirks to your so-called "darker" side, but on the whole, you're just an Average Joe.

Leslie completed the Dungeons & Dragons Alignment Test. Leslie is Neutral Evil. Leslie is a Malefactor. Someone who is neutral with respect to law and chaos has a normal respect for authority and feels neither a compulsion to obey nor a compulsion to rebel. She is honest but can be tempted into lying or deceiving others. "Evil" implies hurting, oppressing, and killing others. Some evil creatures simply have no compassion for others and kill without qualms if doing so is convenient. Others actively pursue evil, killing for sport or out of duty to some evil deity or master. A neutral evil villain does whatever she can get away with. She is out for herself, pure and simple. She sheds no tears for those she kills, whether for profit, sport, or convenience. She has no love of order and holds no illusion that following laws, traditions, or codes would make her any better or more noble. On the other hand, she doesn't have the restless nature or love of conflict that a chaotic evil villain has. Some neutral evil villains hold up evil as an ideal, committing evil for its own sake. Most often, such villains are devoted to evil deities or secret societies. Neutral evil is the most dangerous alignment because it represents pure evil without honor and without variation.

Leslie completed the quiz "What is Your LEVEL of AWESOME?" with the result A DINOSAUR PIRATE NINJA. AWESOME LEVEL: CONTINUOUS. WHAT?! Is that even POSSIBLE?!? How the FUCK could a DINOSAUR learn the stealthy art of NINJITSU?!? Or get a PEG LEG THAT FUCKING BIG, for that matter? Christ, that just SCARY AS SHIT! And I can't even wrap my HEAD around how FUCKING AWESOME it is!! You are TRULY a WONDERFUL and AWESOME person. Now go take your meds.

Leslie just took the "What kind of candy are you?" quiz and the result is Lollipops. Lollipops are delicious and just fun to lick! You are the kind of person who's funny all the time. You can put a smile on everyone's face!!! Its a blessing to be your friend. Your optimism is sure what makes you so strong!! People just love your company!


Poo nugget for Friday, May 22: Squatting 101 - For many of us, the act of squatting to "do the deed" conjures up images of less-fortunate children living in societies that lack modern plumbing. For others, squatting to poo has a more nostalgic significance, serving as a reminder of those quick dashes into the bushes at summer camp for a country dump. The act of squatting, while seemingly basic, can be fraught with great danger. Inexperienced squatters who are accustomed to the ninety-degree angle formed while sitting on the toilet may attempt to recreate this position during squatting. Unfortunately, this leaves a great distance between poo deployment and landing, and dramatically increases the risk of inadvertent lower-extremity soiling. Bottom line? When forced to squat, low is the way to go.

You're Not Very Fit

You're likely to admit that exercise just isn't your thing. You don't really like to exercise. Your heart may be in the right place, but you're not exercising enough to see any benefits from it. Maybe you need to experiment with new activities to find something you love. Whether it's roller derby or surfing, just getting out there and moving will do wonders!

Are You Fit?

Banjo, Beethoven, Brittyn, and Buckaroo

What do you know... this thing restarted yet AGAIN!

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.


B

Badger: Angry, furry varmint known for its violent temper.

Baja: Sliver of land off the mainland coast of Mexico. Hideaway for celebrities and rock stars. Exception to the rule: if you dream of a child who knows how to get you backstage.

Balthazar: One of the original three kings who visited upon Mary and Joseph sometime in the late winter. History is uncertain as to whether Balthazar carried and delivered the gold, frankincense, or myrrh. Exceptions to the rule: if your last name is Gold, Frankincense, or Myrrh.

Banjo: Stringed instrument generally played in a duel prior to departing on weekend river trip in the South.

Barclay: Meadow of birch trees.

Barney: Large purple dinosaur adored by children, and despised by parents.

Bartleby: Often mistaken for a cheap whiskey or circus clown. Exception to the rule: if your last name is Jones, and young Bartleby has two daddies.

Basil: A green, leafy herb generally wilting if not used within three days of purchase.

Beavis: Along with Butthead, the animated television stars blamed for many double-wides going up in flames. Their rude behavior led to the cancellation of their television series, but their legacy lives on through unlicensed and poorly-produced T-shirts sold in truck stops and minimarts along the interstate.

Beethoven: A large and mischievous Saint Bernard.

Benjamin: Action of Rastafarian after inhaling the sensimilla.

Bliss: A temporary state of ecstasy usually characterized by wide eyes and an ear-to-ear grin. A more permanent condition often goes hand-in-hand with members of cults and large missionary-driven religious organizations.

Bond: A chemical agent that serves to hold together various materials. Also, a loose but attractive agent from the UK who is known for his sexy demeanor and gimmicky technology.

Boris: A short Russian spy who has an affinity for lanky Soviet models. Child may be plagued by frequent nightmares involving both moose and squirrels. Exceptions to the rule: if your last name is Karloff or Wazngoodenoff.

Brady: One who actually gets along well with stepsiblings and stepparents. Warning: Brady brothers may have an attraction to Brady sisters, and mothers... when the cameras stop rolling.

Braedon: Activity of winding three bunches of hair together, usually undertaken by teenage girls while speaking endlessly about what they were "like" after who said what to whom.

Brandon: A Vermont town famous for birdhouses. The child will likely be described as a delicate boy with large jowls.

Braun: A hefty, absorbent paper towel. Also, a supplier of travel accessories best known for its razors and nose hair trimmers.

Brendan: Fighter of mummies. Child's appearance on People magazine's shortlist of the sexiest men will be shortlived.

Brian: Mistaken Messiah. Around 1 BC, Brian was accidentally vilified by Roman soldiers looking for a different Jew. On the positive side, your child may always look on the bright side.

Briley (BREYE-lee) - The rough texture of parasites found on the underside of ships' hulls and the top side of whales' median notches.

Brittyn: The once-powerful United Kingdom, whose philosophy of "divide and conquer" made it the smallest and most powerful island in the world, at least until George W. Bush was elected. Last-name exceptions to the rule include Ie and Ish.

Bryce: A canyon in southern Utah.

Buckaroo: A hero resembling Peter Weller, who did battle with an army of alien forces all named John, across the eighth dimension. Exception to the rule: if your last name is Banzai.

Bud: Springtime precursor to a flower or leaf. Organic substance used initally in high school to heighten understanding of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Exception to the rule: if you want your child to be surrounded by a lot of giggling every time someone says his name in college.

Bullock: A castrated bull. See also Angus.

Bus: Vehicle used for public transportation. Generally dirty, greasy, and undesirable for use.

Busta: A rhymer, a rapper, and a candlestick maker.

Buster: Caucasian form of Busta.

Butch: A skinny boy with a big Adam's apple, or a short fat woman with a crew cut and a penchant for driving muscle cars.

Make sure she gets sleep and respect!

This thing restarted AGAIN! UGH!

These tips are from The Husband Book: A Guy's Guide To Marriage by Harry Harrison Junior, which I plan to give to my brother for his wedding.

Children

Kids cost a fortune. Know that going in.

If she wants to quit work after the baby is born, don't discourage her. Move into a smaller home, reduce your expenses, and let her be a full-time mom.

Be ready to spring out of bed at all hours of the night - for a very long time.

Limit your business travel immediately after the baby is born.

Learn to do all of the following in the dark: navigate bedrooms, bathrooms, stairways, and hallways; warm a bottle; and calm down a SCREAMING baby. Hey, she knows how.

Accept diaper duty. Without complaining. It doesn't smell any better to her.

Resolve to be a part of this family, the protector of these people, to not go AWOL on them.

If she seems extraordinarily depressed right after the baby is born, call her doctor. It's not you. It's not the baby. It's chemical.

Don't burp the baby in any shirt you want to wear that week.

Realize how utterly exhausting caring for a newborn can be, especially for a mother just out of the hospital.

Make sure she gets sleep.

Make sure your children grow up treating both of you with respect.

Offer to drive the carpool.

Be understanding at the end of the day if she has a lot to talk about. You may be the first adult she's seen in ten hours.

Buy a Volvo.

Remember, children need clothes and shoes and food and toys and all kinds of stuff you never had to buy before you had kids. Don't complain.

Don't expect any help from her in teaching your kids to face adversity. A mother's instinct is to protect them from adversity.

Take the kids out for doughnuts on Saturdays so she can sleep.

Be aware that kids treat their moms and dads differently. That's due to the fact that dads and moms treat their kids differently. And that's good.

Drive the kids to practice. And don't complain about it.

Don't let your kids play one parent against the other. Ever.

Decide together on how you're going to raise your children: bedtime, nutrition, discipline, and so on. Then don't let a two-year-old talk you out of it.

Always be aware of how much she does for the family.

When you move (and with a child, you will move), walk around the new neighborhood. It's a great way to meet the neighbors and be with the family.

Don't argue in front of the kids.

Don't make her the homework queen. Everyone can use your help.

Hug her frequently in front of the kids. This makes everybody in the house feel god, though the kids may say they're grossed out.

Don't ever demean her in front of the children. Ever.

She may have secrets with the kids. It just means they trust her.

Make sure they give their mother gifts and cards on Mother's Day and Christmas and her birthday.

Realize that even the kindest, gentlest, most loving mom tend to get testy if they don't take vacations regularly.

Don't miss the PTA meetings, the "Meet the Teacher" nights, or school conferences.

Remember, you sons are watching how you treat a wife, and your daughters are watching how a wife is to be treated.

Turn the TV off and talk with your family. These are moments that can't be recaptured.

Don't expect her to share your enthusiasm for coaching.

Teach the kids to drive.

Be prepared that as each child leaves home, she may fall apart.

On the other hand, she may have to put you back together.

Disney characters, ninjas, dragons, and magazines!

High-scoring words of the day so far:

DJIN (170 points) - against George M. [5W, 3L on J] {a good deficit-erasing word!}
SHEETS (200 points) - against Sara H. [4W, 5W used twice, hook off SOD to make SODS]


Leslie's just got their Disney Character Name. I just got my Disney Character Name. It's Tramp from Lady & the Tramp.

Leslie's just got their Dragon Name. I just got my Dragon Name. It's Smerg the Evil Dragon.

Leslie's just got their Ninja Name. I just got my Ninja Name. It's Foolish Ninja.

Leslie just took the What Magazine Should You Work For Quiz. The magazine I should work for is Playsheep, where you are the head photographer for those saucy photos of everyone's favorite furry pinups.

Dandelions, redrum, and NOTHING IN A PACKAGE?!

Now I want to blow dandelion seeds all over the place - too bad I can't go outside and do so without looking like a weirdo, haha. Redrum is here again - yikes! At least it won't ruin my experience of the wedding of the year! And just when I wondered what Pizza Hut was offering, I get a menu in my mail - sweet. Pinned that to the fridge for later viewing, heh. Speaking of mail, Corey says that the other package with Milo / Toblerone / chewy caramel Tim Tams / Lindt chocolate bunnies / blank card finally showed up today (after nearly a month) with NOTHING in it! WHAT THE HECK.

[15:14:01] Corey: that other package finally showed up today..... with nothing in it!
[15:14:08] Flami: learning about martyrs: WHAT?!
[15:14:38] Corey: there's a card in it, nothing else. and a sticker on the front that says "RECEIVED WITHOUT CONTENTS"
[15:14:57] Corey: the end is all ripped open, and taped back down..
[15:16:03] Corey: this says something about "insured value" on it.... if you paid for insurance you might want to look into cashing in on that
[15:18:28] Corey: the end wasn't opened, like the sticky part didn't come undone, it's cut all the way across. I'm guessing the post office put the tape on the end... unless that's how you shipped it. even with that tape, it was partially open
[15:29:55] Corey: "For items destined to addresses outside of Canada, please contact Customer Service General Information at 1-866-607-6301 Monday to Friday 8:00 am to 6:00 pm local time."
[15:30:16] Corey: they have a claim form for damaged items online, but it's only good for stuff within Canada
[15:30:31] Corey: there's also Lost Item...
[15:30:39] Corey: not sure which that is :P I got it, but it's also lost
[15:30:41] Flami: learning about martyrs: well, I certainly didn't cut anything.
[15:32:50] Corey: well, they all say to call for stuff outside of Canada. and the claims form thing has Canada as the only country option, so I guess you'll have to do that part...

it asks for the service type (Expedited Parcel) and the number, which I guess you have, but it's CX 237 768 508 CA
[15:33:24] Corey: and date received... today! :P 5/21/2009
[15:33:52] Corey: so... I'd give them a call and try to get your money back if I were you.. it says it's insured for $100 on the customs thing
[15:39:35] Flami: when I mailed it, they said that anything up to $100 was free insurance, whatever that meant
[15:40:47] Corey: that means it's automatically insured up to $100
[15:41:06] Corey: so if you shipped a PS3 and didn't buy extra insurance, they'd give you $100 and you'd be screwed on the rest
[15:41:58] Corey: I'm guessing $100 would cover this one. also go check your email, I took a picture of it :P you can show that to them if they ask for proof or something, I don't know
[15:42:26] Flami: (I avoided death again!) yes, I got it, thanks
[15:48:57] Flami: true... it was chocolate bunnies, Milo, Toblerone, and Tim Tams... so, close enough.
[15:52:52] Corey: the "received without contents" sticker was added here, so I guess it could have happened anywhere along the way... definitely looks cut or torn open though, since it's just opened along the edge, it's not like he package got mangled somehow
[15:53:33] Corey: I don't know if they give you money for the shipping AND the item... but hopefully they do both
[16:29:18] Flami: well, I can tell you that the envelope certainly didn't look like THAT when I mailed it...
[16:29:50] Corey: aside from the end being open, that's about how they all look :P
[16:30:31] Corey: so I assume the tape on the end wasn't from you? I'm guessing they did that at the post office here, when they put the sticker on the front
[16:46:03] Flami: if the shiny stuff on the end is tape, then some of it could have been from me...
[16:47:21] Corey: well, it looks like the flap was taped down, but what you're seeing on the front there is tape over the cut end, not the flap.. a different piece
[16:50:52] Flami: in that case, I certainly didn't ship it like that, no
[16:55:15] Corey: well, call them up and demand that they pay up :P
[16:55:55] Corey: I'm kind of guessing they'll try to screw you over on this since the tracking info says it arrived in the destination country, where they'll say it was out of their hands after that or something
[16:55:59] Corey: but give it a shot
[17:00:47] Flami: but what do I say?
[17:01:38] Corey: that you need to make an insurance claim because the package showed up empty, after taking almost a month to arrive
[17:02:15] Corey: that's the online form, they'll just want all that info...
[17:02:55] Corey: also make sure to say there was a label on the package showing that it was empty before it got here
[17:03:50] Corey: (that doesn't mean it happened somewhere else in the US before getting to my town, but whatever :P it shows that it was empty BEFORE delivery, not just us saying "uh, it was empty!" after I opened it myself and emptied out the contents)
[17:19:01] Flami: let's see... on phone now
[17:21:23] Flami: hmm. was on phone for 30 seconds before I got a dial tone. what the heck
[17:28:35] Corey: try again? it might be too late... I don't know how late they work
[17:30:35] Flami: I did... on phone again
[17:37:35] Flami: all right... have a reference number: 720 7363
[17:37:59] Flami: this representative was helpful, at least
[17:38:10] Corey: what did they say?
[17:39:40] Flami: I had to provide the tracking number and our names and addresses - good thing I memorized your address
[17:40:59] Corey: you could look at the picture I sent :P
[17:41:04] Flami: they said that I'd get a refund of the package value by cheque in five to ten business days, and I got an apology
[17:41:15] Flami: (I know.... but I memorized it anyway)
[17:44:29] Corey: does that include what you paid for shipping?
[17:44:45] Corey: sounds like you're getting something though, which is good
[17:47:53] Flami: learning about martyrs: they said that they couldn't pay for shipping since the envelope already got there. I didn't think I could add the shipping charges onto the declared value of the contents... they do have records of it, presumably, so.
[17:50:26] Corey: well, better than nothing at least
[17:57:29] Flami: that's true enough... maybe you'll have to ask Jane to send you Milo instead, haha
[18:06:40] Corey: that's dumb that they won't refund shipping since it got here... who cares if an envelope makes it here? :P that's not the part that matters
[18:07:02] Corey: my sister, her boyfriend, and the dogs are here for dinner, so I'll be back later


Facebook quizzes taken from Jennifer J., Natalie, Morgana, and Diane:

Leslie completed the quiz "What Work of Literature Are You?" with the result Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?. You wonder at the future. What will the world hold for us all? And what will consciousness mean if we as men can create it? What is divinity, humanity? What is anything, after all, if anything can be manufactured... We must preserve somehow, above all things, our sense of self, our identity. For without it, we are lost, like teardrops in the rain.

Leslie just took the "What Romantic Movie Couple are you?" quiz and the result is Summer and Seth. THE OC. You get into stupid playful fights sometimes, but above all that, you and your lover are always together like best friends.

Leslie completed the quiz "Which Nintendo Character Are You?" with the result Samus. You are the most courageous and outstanding of your class. You don't need others to tell you who to be, you go it alone. Your own style! However, even though you probably don't need anyone else, make sure you leave a little room for friends! They're important.

Leslie took the What's your Celtic name? quiz and the result is Branwen. Goddess of love and beauty.

Leslie completed the quiz "Which insanely cool movie character are you?" with the result Donkey from Shrek. You may have seen a housefly, or maybe even a superfly. But you ain't never seen a donkey fly!

Your Pop Star Name Is Emma 3000

You're Gonna Be a Star!

What's Your Pop Star Name?

Women having natural childbirth will scream!

These tips are from The Husband Book: A Guy's Guide To Marriage by Harry Harrison Junior, which I plan to give to my brother for his wedding.


Pregnancy and Childbirth

Meet her doctors. Let them know there's a husband who cares.

Never EVER tell her that she could lose a few pounds.

Remember, having a baby is nothing like it is on TV. It can take days.

Be prepared for a dry run or two to the hospital.

She will crave some very strange food at 2 AM: cottage cheese with French dressing and hot peppers and ginger snaps. Hold your breath and make it for her.

You will want to spend weekends watching the game. She will want to spend them in baby-supply stores. You lose.

Tell yourself that putting a crib together is training for putting a Big Wheel together.

Encourage her to exercise, to continue to take care of herself.

Commit yourself to giving her a back rub every night during pregnancy until your arms feel like they're going to fall off. This is where you can share her pain.

This is not a time to be bringing home Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Tell her how beautiful he is during pregnancy... even when she's big, grumpy, and sporting a truly odd hairdo.

Remember, the two of you will spend the nine months of her pregnancy on completely different planes.

Ask yourself how you would like to carry a baby around for nine months; throwing up, swelling, unable to sit up or lie down, being regularly patted by strangers, and prodded by doctors. She feels the same way.

Go to birthing classes with her. Pay attention. Help her practice her breathing.

Don't panic when there's all this chaos in the delivery room. Remember, the doctors have done this before.

The labor room will scare both of you. All that screaming is from the woman down the hall having natural childbirth.

Don't faint. Bad start.

Fill her room with flowers. Overspend. She'll never forget it.

You'll be incredulous at your wife's capacity for loving this child. It will blow you away.

Buy Dr. Spock's book. He has all the answers right now. You have none.

If it's a boy, don't assume your name will be his. She may love you a lot more than your name.

Don't worry. Her body will bounce back.

Screaming back won't help in conflict...

These tips are from The Husband Book: A Guy's Guide To Marriage by Harry Harrison Junior, which I plan to give to my brother for his wedding.

Arguments

Remember, love is work.

But love is also kind.

Don't expect your marriage to be conflict-free.

Before the fight escalates into World War Three, ask yourself: How important is it?

Practice patience with her moods, her fears, her worries. They're not going anywhere.

Don't bring up ancient history. It's never once ended a fight.

Make sure she hears exactly what you're saying. Have her repeat your words. It will amaze you what she's heard.

When she's truly furious, realize you can't win. Surrender.

Don't pout. Not manly.

Generally speaking, if you agree with her, fights can be averted.

Forgive her. Even if it's the last thing you want to do. Especially if you don't think she deserves it.

Accept the fact women argue differently than men. She'll threaten to leave. She'll say truly insane things. It's her right as a woman.

Remember that if you think it just might be your fault, it probably is.

Screaming back won't help.

If you ever feel like pushing or hitting her, seek immediate counselling.

Realize that there will be days when her hormones will be in control of her mind. Love her anyway.

Remember that if you don't say anything mean, that's one less thing you'll have to apologize for.

When conflicts do arise, ask yourself: "Would you rather be right or happy?" People who would rather be right end up in divorce court.

Learn to ask for forgiveness and mean it. She may make you say it all day and night, but eventually she will forgive.

Remember that while men just want to solve a problem, women want to talk about how it makes them feel. While this may set your teeth on edge, your job is to sit and listen.

Pray together at night, even when you're mad. This keeps priorities straight.

Don't bring up the past. In fact, a short memory is a good thing here.

Learn to accept her apologies, even if you think she could have done better.

Don't take to heart anything she says during an argument.

Practice saying the words "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you." These phrases tend to paralyze the lips of most men.

Learn you don't have to win.

Don't use words to harm.

Just because she's hostile doesn't mean you have to be.

Don't try to control her friends, moods, spending, or happiness.

Concentrate on your issues, and you'll both be happier.

Practice kindness, patience, and gentleness all the time.

Realize she has an emotional need for affection - not to be confused with hopping into bed - and if you meet this, a lot of fights can be avoided.

Remember these words: "You could be right."

XKCD comics, diaper fetishism, and more!

Christon sent us an email stating that there will be a Sunday Dinner at Jeremy's this Sunday - salad and risotto both sound good! Of course, I have the bridal shower at Harmony's, but perhaps Eric can pick me up from there or home - we'll see how long it lasts! Maybe Raymond will be able to make it to this one, although I have the feeling he's avoiding me, too... =/

Leslie's just got their Spanish Name. I just got my Spanish Name. It's Evita Castro.

Leslie just took the What Do Your Lottery Numbers Mean Quiz. My lottery numbers mean I pick my nose.

Facebook quizzes taken from Gabriel, David L., Candy, Natalie, Chantelle, Morgana, and Jono:

Leslie completed the quiz "What sort of Gangster are you?" with the result Quiet Gangster. You are a humble gangster, but humble enough to protect yourself. You avoid most troubles or problems (fights), but if you're in a fight that you can't avoid, you will fight to the end.

Leslie completed the quiz "Are you a Mac or are you a PC?" with the result Mac! You are a Mac person. You like instant functionality and beauty combined. You love the smoothness in a Mac. You would rather pay a little more now than run to the store every month. It means you think for the long term! So take a bite at the nearest apple!

Leslie took the How many times will you get married?? quiz and the result is Once. You are a very loyal person who knows what and who they want!

Leslie completed the quiz "What NCIS character are you?" with the result Special Agent Jethro Gibbs. Wow, impressive. You're the team leader, head honcho, numero uno. You have the qualities needed to take control in situations that can only be resolved with guts, integrity, and intelligence. Get yourself a large coffee and practice your head slaps.

Leslie completed the quiz "Which internet meme are you?" with the result Badger Badger Badger. You are the Badger Badger Badger meme. This meme is a flash animation that had its own website. When you entered the website, a bunch of Flash-animated badgers would appear and begin dancing to a theme song that went something along the lines of "Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, MUSHROOM MUSHROOM."This song and video clip would play on a continuous loop. You are this meme because you are annoying. funny, and pretty darn repetitive. Part of your allure is the ability to make completely random jokes, which become long-lasting inside jokes amongst your friends. People will laugh at these without knowing why they're funny.

Leslie took the Which XKCD comic are you? quiz and the result is XKCD #87: Velociraptors. You are obsessed with Velociraptors, and know that an attack is imminent. Most of your brainpower is constantly being used to prepare for Raptor attacks, so you miss out on most of the things life has to offer. But that's okay because you wouldn't waste your time with people who leave you vulnerable to raptor attack. And once the attack does come and you survive... PARTY!!

Leslie took the What Princess Bride character are you? quiz and the result is Inigo Montoya. You are very focused and very goal-oriented. But you tend to hold grudges.

Leslie just took the "What is your lucky number?" quiz and the result is 9. Your lucky number is 9! The number 9 is a special number and is lucky for many people. Nine is going to be lucky for you in the coming days, so watch out for any coincidences! Good Luck!


Poo nugget for Thursday, May 21: Diaper Fetishism - Some adults derive sexual stimulation from wearing diapers, either in public or in private places. While most simply wear the diapers, there are others who go as far as to relieve themselves. Freudian analysis suggests that these individuals are fixated on the anal stage of development, a consequence some would argue occurs as a result of forceful potty training during childhood.

Spirituality and your marriage

These tips are from The Husband Book: A Guy's Guide To Marriage by Harry Harrison Junior, which I plan to give to my brother for his wedding.

Spirituality

Develop a spiritual program. There will be times when it carries your marriage.

Make a tithe commitment to God... whether it's to a church, a charity, or something else.

Pray nightly with her.

Pray daily for her.

Be able to turn her life, her wants, and her fears over to God.

Ask her for help.

Realize she has her own beliefs. Let her be.

Be honest.

Read a devotional every day, TOGETHER.

Remember, a loving marriage is something alive. You have to nourish it daily.

Whatever you look for in her, you'll find.

Accept the fact that you can't please her all the time, you can't make her happy all the time, and you can't have all the right answers all the time. You can just love her all the time.

Talk to her about God, your faith, and what you believe. She needs to hear this.

Sit outside with her and watch a sunset.

Go on a spiritual retreat. Make conscious contact with God.

Talk to her about the events and people that have shaped your life.

Keep no secrets.

Call her every night you're away from home, even if you're on the other side of the world.

Remind her of her successes, intelligence, and accomplishments.

Every morning, thank God for the myriad of ways she's changed your life. For instance, most men would be wearing double-knit suits if it weren't for the women in their lives.

When she comes home tired / hungry / angry, you may be the nearest available target. Handle with care.

Encourage her to further her own spirituality.

Cherish her every day, CONSCIOUSLY.

Pick a church or temple or synagogue that the two of you can attend regularly, support financially, and grow with spiritually.

Teach a youth group together. You'll learn about kids before you have them.

Flying around a cruise ship with Anne of Green Gables

I dreamed that Citrus, Vanessa, and I were flying around a simulated cruise ship - even the napkin dispensers and flowers were made of gold, but fake all the same! Anne of Green Gables was on the ship, saying how she didn't want to be pregnant yet again, so soon after Shirley's birth... particularly because Nan and Di were running wild. I have NO idea where that came from, other than my re-reading some of the Green Gables series! Had a weird phone call from Mississippi, as well: 1-228-594-2207, anyone?

Facebook quizzes taken from Gretchen, Ellen, David L., and Arctic Sapphire:

Leslie took the What animal is your spirit guide? quiz and the result is You Are Guided By Canis Lupus: The Wolf. You're a highly social creature. You enjoy your specific group of friends, and very rarely do you like strangers entering this specific circle unannounced. The close-knit group you have around you are your closest friends. Your loyalty to them is proven every day. That strong connection that keeps you together revolves around your ability to tell when someone needs your attention. Instead of wasting your energy on someone who is doing well, you can sense when one of your friends is in need of a hug, or a long talk. It is easy to say that many people would enjoy being with you. But you are extremely picky when it comes to letting someone into all that you are. It is this particular quirk that can make you miss out on amazing kinships that you are too narrow-minded to accept. Although the wolf is a witty creature, prone to staying in a pack, remember that sometimes you need to leave your comfort zone.

Leslie completed the quiz "How would you kill the person you hate the most!" with the result I hope you don't hate me. You're gonna cut open every frickin' artery in their body! Geez Louise, Papa Cheese!

Leslie just took the "what is your inner demon" quiz and the result is Kyuubi. A fox demon that was originally a huge demon, of enormous power, and had nine tails. Each one of them alone could raise a tsunami with a simple twitch. Sealed within the body of a human, the demon and the person are fused as one. The person can utilise the demon's energy, transforming into a halo-like red-colored fox with a single tail. He is able to ascend to higher levels of power by sprouting an extra tail, till he has nine. But he must be cautious! The more tails, the higher the strain. If his body is not strong enough, it will be destroyed, and the demon will be released. When loose, it is an evil demon. When sealed, it is whatever its fusion partner is. Its greatest attack while sealed is the Vermillion Rasengan, a concentrated ball of pure chakra energy capable of dealing massive damage and pain to an opponent.

Leslie just took the "What Type of Personality Do You Have?" quiz and the result is Crazy. You can get EXTREMELY hyper, you make people laugh easily, you have a great sense of humor.

You Are Super Spiritual

You are in touch with the world around you, and you find peace in connecting with others. You believe that every life is special and that every life has a purpose. You value harmony and understanding. You try not to judge, bicker, and fight. As simple as it sounds, you truly think it's important to make the world a better place.

How Spiritual Are You?

Abba, Abbot, Ackerley, and Aeon

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

A

Abba: Mostly blond-haired, blue-eyed pop group from Denmark or Sweden, or one of those Aryan nations. Avoid use unless last name is Imma, in which case the child's name would mean "Father, Mother" and would buy the kid some leeway, at least in Hebrew school. You can use it if last name is Chiquita, in which case the cheese factor of Abba's music would be cancelled out by the self-deprecating, self-titled hit song of the same name.

Abbott: Dim-witted, overweight sidekick. Neither this name nor its variations (see also Abba) should be used outside of Jerusalem or the walls of an area populated by men committed to a mute life of celibacy.

Aceley (ACE-lee) - A kung-fu action star whose gimmick is wearing white face paint and platform moon boots. This word should be used only as an adverb ("He rocks aceley!"), but never as a name unless the intention is to ruin the infant's life from the get-go.

Acheron (AA-ke-ren) - One of the five rivers of Hell. Come on. Please.

Achilles: Annoying ligament of one's heel that hurts anytime one thinks of it. Not recommended for children, though it is highly recommended for dogs - particularly those that are being trained to stay close to their owners on walks.

Ackerley: A copse of oak trees. As a general rule, names ending in "ly" / "lee" / "ley" should be avoided at all cost, especially for boys. Also steer clear of names that imply a startled interjection. See also Ajoi, Chumchum, and Uzi.

Acton: Oak town. Also, treading the boards, pretending to be someone else in front of a large audience.

Adaire: Oak tree settlement. Enough with the trees. See Arbor.

Adam: An irritating child who insists on being first in everything - genetically, chronologically, and alphabetically. Also, a famous ant.

Admiral: One who manages a weekly voyage of 1980s guest stars as they travel to such locations as Puerto Vallarta, Cabo San Lucas, and (during sweeps weeks) Alaska. Exceptions to the rule: if your last name is Bird or Kirk.

Adolf: Thin-mustached psychopath. Lunatic. Once a popular name in Eastern block countries, Adolf quickly fell from fashion in the late 1930s and early 1940s. Not an option for any child.

Adonis: Handsome youth. While the name sounds good and looks good on paper, such a name implies a certain level of narcissism that no child can bear. See also Jesus, Einstein, and Zeus.

Aeneas (uh-KNEE-us) - Area responsible for the final stages of digestion. Rhymes with "heinous." There are no exceptions for any names rhyming with "heinous."

Aeon: Forever and a day. Beyond eternity. Your child's name will last longer than he does. And if that doesn't convince you, then just think of the irony of your offspring's epitaph.

Aesop: Writer of morals. Exception to the rule: If your last name is Sphables.

Aire: The Democratic Republic of the Congo. However, virtual meaning is rather unstable, much like the political climate of the region. Avoid use until at least after the next coup.

Ajax: A sturdy, granulated bathroom-cleaning agent. Exception to the rule: blue-collar families with Type A personalities.

Ajou: Beef bouillon served in a dish over meat sandwich. Also, the sound a sneeze makes. Additionally, when you child is summoned by name (like in class), the teacher may seem anti-Semitic.

Alastair: Strong but aged man who typically speaks with a British accent and announces "Previously on..." for long, boring public programming.

Albany: The state capital of New York. Also, a city on a white hill. Today, the name suggests a not-so-white hill, environmentally speaking.

Alejandro: A handsome pool boy shared by the Stepford wives.

Algernon: Mentally-impaired mouse befriended by character actor Cliff Robertson.

Aliah: A Jewish prayer. Honor bestowed upon uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings, parents, and grandparents of a bar mitzvah boy (or bat mitzvah girl) before the Torah reading and schnapps and herring.

Amadeus: Subject of an 80s pop hit by Falco. See also Falco. Use of such a name in any circumstance rishks the child's growing up to wear tight vinyl clothing and speak unintelligible English. Exception to the rule: child prodigies. However, pianists should be aware that their peers might think them grandiose because of a long-dead, highly-esteemed piano man with the same name.

Amen: Time to eat. Unless the child is bound for a monastery, the confusion that will ensue anytime the child hears a prayer is not worth the religious implications.

Anakin: Egotistical Jedi. Though there is no historical case proving that an Anakin can overcome, use of such a name will generally say more about the parent than the child. (You clearly have a powerful fantasy life, and you're probably a big geek. How did you ever find anyone to bear your children?) This may lead to frequent schoolyard taunting and justifiable rebellion.

Ancelin: Currently in the first phase of trials with the FDA. If Ancelin is approved, your child may be an affordable, noninvasive cure-all for lockjaw and tetanus. If not, he will be another unsuccessful attempt at restructuring the health care system.

Andy: An uncoordinated, red-haired boy with a taste for gingham. Likely to be called Randy Andy in junior high.

Angel: Keep the boy off the pole. Just keep the boy off the pole.

Angus: Scottish breed of cow. Also, when sliced in one-pound sections and grilled over hot coals, available with a shrimp cocktail for $4.99 in Las Vegas. Exceptions to the rule: families with cowboys, ranchers, or rodeo stars.

Anthem: Opening ceremony at sporting events. Hymn of praise and loyalty. A child so named may be inherently motivated to stand at inopportune moments in Little League and peewee soccer matches.

Anthony / Tony: An Italian child ignored by fat aunts because of his long fingernails and garlic breath.

Antwaun: An urban (see also Urban) variation on Anthony. Invaluable. However, due to the recent upsurge in popularity with regard to the name Antwaun, new meanings are a dime a dozen.

Apache: US military attack helicopter. Also, a tribe of Native Americans who suffered great losses during their Texan wars of 1845 to 1850. Exception to the rule: Democrats living in Fort Worth.

Apollo: The Greek god of healing, light, and truth. The bad guy who beat Rocky in Rocky. A child so named will be disliked by most Italian Americans until he begins part two of his life. At that time, he will make friends with the Italian Americans and even train them to fight large, Mohawk-wearing boxers with worse names.

Aramis: A masculine scent with a blend of spices, leather, moss, sandalwood, and clove. Recommended for evening wear, not for newborns.

Arbor: Shady resting place. This name may be used by overweight children, or infants with particularly gargantuan proboscises.

Arby: Maker of thinly-sliced, fine meat sandwiches. A child bearing such a name may gain a lot of attention two or three times a year from people asking for five favors for five dollars. Alternatively, child will frequently be called upon to explain which sauce is white and which is red.

Argus: Giant with one hundred eyes. According to Greek mythology, half of the eyes suffered from insomnia. Additionally, after performing an infamous act of kidnapping, Argus was slain, and his eyes were distributed evenly onto the feathers of a peacock. This is not the kind of story you want for your child.

Army: A large group of men and women sent into battle at the whim of a public official - regardless of justificiation, evidence, and sexual orientation. Child will be great at taking orders, but not a particularly free thinker.

Arrow: A pointed stick. Also, a "gas-saving" model of Plymouth introduced into the United States in the late '60s. Child's seat may stick when reclined.

Ash: Flaky carbon byproduct of fire. If you are going to the lengths of naming your child after the elements that signify a particular area in American history, you might as well get up to speed. The industrial era is over. It is now the age of information. Pentium, Silicon, and Apple are more current than Ash. See also Cole.

Asher: One who is a flaky carbon byproduct of fire.

Ashes: Many flaky carbon byproducts of fire.

Athens: The capital city of Greece, and also a nice place to visit in Georgia. Child may be plagued by an overly greasy hairstyle, a thick Southern drawl, and the distinct smell of loukanika.

Atlantic: Large, deep body of ocean water separating North America from its friends and enemies.

Atlantis: A dead city at the bottom of the ocean. See also Atlantic. A real winner when it comes to naming, particularly if your child will be a swimmer.

Attila: A Hun. Grog-drinking, meat-eating, fur-bearing thug. For visual, picture Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian.

Aubrey: Teutonic ruler of the elves. Unless your infant's cauliflower ear remains pointed after his third month, consider changing his name. Other negative implications to keep in mind are that the feature-film trilogy responsible for making elves popular has already been released on DVD and will be passé by the time your child reaches puberty.

Audi: High-performance extension of the penis. Also, slang for leaving / going / moving on. If you are considering this name, you should do the same.

Austin: The capital of Texas, and the Bionic Man.

Auto: Not manual. Also, a circular or piston-driven engine that creates energy when a spark ignites a combination of gasoline and air. Exceptions to the rule: If your last name is Benz, Ford, or von Baron.

Avon: A popular makeup brand with ads all over TV in the early 1950s. Known for its broad coverage, bright colors, and army of saleswomen racing a bunch of pastel-colored Cadillacs. A great name for a boy!

Axel: Screw-up Michigan detective working primarily in Beverly Hills, California. Child may be plagued by a hyena-like laugh.

Rehab, DOONESBURY, and potty training

Which Ghetto Winnie the Pooh Character Are You? by Nashiko
Name
Age
Sex	MaleFemale
Character	White-Washed Rabbit - The white man with da weed
Number of people shot in the 100 Acre Wood	200
Probability of Surviving the Ghetto	23%

Leslie just took the What Should You Be In Rehab For Quiz. I should be going to rehab for A tickle fetish, following an embarrassing incident when Wal Mart security was called to the dressing rooms and found me and Tickle Me Elmo in a compromising position.

Facebook quizzes taken from Jennifer L. and Rachel:

Leslie completed the quiz "Which Female Grease Character Are You?" with the result Frenchy. You may not actually have pink hair, but you are definitely Frenchy. You are a dreamer, good-natured, and not judgmental. When you aren't worrying about your hair, you’re dreaming of beauty school.

Leslie took the Which cult movie character are you? quiz and the result is Raoul Duke. From Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. You're a writer in the loosest sense of the term. You're an adventurer, as long as an adventure entails getting lost in the city of lights by use of any (and every) drug on hand, but you're never too sure if you're actually having fun.

Poo nugget for Wednesday, May 20: Doo You Know? - Potty Training - Toilet training, psychologists say, can be a pivotal moment in a child's development. It's when they learn that socialization can trump biological concerns. Freud claimed that a child could be troubled as an adult if the process didn't go smoothly. To ensure that it does, experts emphasize using positive reinforcement instead of punishment.

Dutch names, tattoos, and Starbucks baristas

This thing just restarted AGAIN!

What Real-Life Crossover Would You Star In? by the_sharon
Name?
Age?
Sexual Preference?
Your New Home is:	Modern-Day Tokyo
You Are A:	Vampire Turned Demon-Hunter
Your Plot Complication:	You're the token gay.

Leslie's just got their Dutch Name. I just got my Dutch Name. It's Sybylla Van Swol.

Facebook quizzes taken from Gretchen and Candace:

Leslie completed the quiz "What Tattoo fits you" with the result Tribal. This is what most people get if they have no meaning or reason to get one, haha. Better yet, tribals have no meaning... but they look really cool!

Leslie just took the "What Barista are you?" quiz and the result is Work and Stress too Hard! You're constantly cleaning and stocking! You're afraid to ask for help and just do it yourself. You don't need to be directed, and know exactly what to do and when to do it! Don't be afraid to have fun when working... loosen up a bit!

You Are Yellow

You are bright, vibrant, and cheerful. Your energy can take over a room. You look on the sunny side of life. You are able to avoid stress, anxiety, and burnout. It's hard to get you down, and you've rarely been depressed in your life. You tend to have a clear mind and an unburdened heart. You try to bring as much light as possible into your life.

What Primary Color Are You?

New Rules for Antinaming

DAMMIT! This thing just restarted!

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

New Rules For Antinaming

Mr. and Mrs. Popular: While you should certainly avoid any names that would easily allow your child to be taunted, going to the opposite extreme is equally grievous. The naming safety schools of the ever-popular Jennys, Joes, and Johns should be avoided for obvious reasons. But if you are still considering these types of names, let us spell it out for you.

Chances are, your child will be in school with a number of other children with the same name. As a result, teachers / friends / enemies will by default begin to refer to your child by his or her last name. This can cause a flurry of problems, particularly if your last name is Myxlplex or the like. Additionally, the reference to your child by last name will let loose an entirely new slew of independence issues that he or she will eventually have to contend with.

For instance, a gaggle of Jennys referred to only be last name will become known independently as Peal, Plum, Floore, and Burgur. Similarly, a pack of Joes will be left to fight for independence when referred to as Smith, Jones, and Anderson. And finally, a flock of Johns will more easily be scarred, as they could be known as Thomas, Johnson, and Smallburries. Need we say more?


Clevur Speling: One of the most overlooked mistakes made by parents when attempting to give their children unique forenames is misspelling - another mistake is nepotism, but that's a different debate. There is no excuse for misspelling a name. After all... at the end of the day, Genni / Jho / Jawn will endure the same problems as discussed in the above section, as their names are pronounced exactly the same as their popular counterparts.

But misspelled children face another, more damaging aspect in their lives - the fact that everyone will instantly think of them as a fruitcake, or as suffering from dyslexia. If you've ever met a man named Bryon or a woman named Naancie, you know what we're talking about. Naturally, if you've only met Bryon and Naancie socially, you'll have no reason to question their personalities. In fact, you may grow to like Bryon and / or Naancie - until you find yourself spending a weekend with them at a business conference or trade show. Trust us, the moment you find yourself walking down the aisles of the conference hall next to the clearly-labelled "Bryon" or "Naancie," the looks that their name tags will ensure will bring your relationship into question. When naming, always run a spellcheck.


Boys with the Boys, Girls with the Girls: What better way to confuse your child's sexual identity than by mixing genders? Whoever came up with this idea in the first place was a genius. Clearly thinking ahead to the child's college days (perhaps one too many drinks, a new breakup, and a comfortable same-sex shoulder to cry on), the first parents to name their boy Sue or their daughter Sol were way ahead of their time.

Mixing genders in names is second to none when it comes to what NOT to name your baby. There is debate that if a parent (or parents) want to bamboozle a child and his or her role in future relationships, mixing genders in names is actually more effective than simply dressing your boy in a pink slip-on number, or potty-training my gal Sol to pee standing up. If you hope to blur the lines, go for it!


Movie Mania: Pop culture rules the world. Everyone has fantasies of their life mimicking the lives of those characters they see on the big screen. A little fantasy is a good thing, and is great in the bedroom, which is probably what led to your buying the book in the first place. However, parents who load their children with the responsibility of carrying on the name of a blockbuster are doing a disservice to the wee ones - not to mention to themselves, considering the licensing issues that could arise with the film studios.

All we ask is that you think ahead. How will little Morpheus feel when he loses a simple game of dodgeball because he can't jump in slow motion to avoid a slammer? And what about little Amidala? How do you think she'll feel when she realizes that the planet she rules over is really just a trailer park in Boise? If you're not sold yet, let us finally paint the picture of a young pair of brothers, Bo and Luke. The boys get their driver's license and ready their red sports car to race the local authorities. Chances are, their inability to slide through an open window effortlessly will be just enough for Ennis to cuff them and send them up the river. (Of course, they might get out early with good behavior.)


Reverse Assimilation: There is something to be said about multiculturalism. But unless you are cross-cultural parents, don't cross cultures. There is a reason that no WASPs are named Shaniqwa, no Jews are named Mohammed, no African-Americans are named Wong, no Asian-Americans are named Irving, and so forth. Certainly there may be exceptions to the rule - Tiger Woods sounds pretty good - but for the most part, your name should reflect your culture. Not someone else's.


They're Inanimate Objects For A Reason: Ever since the 1900s, inanimate objects have taken their place in the culture of naming in most industrialized nations. In short, Cole / Ash / Oyl generally all contribute greatly to global warming. Naming your child after a part of our ecosystem is fine - as long as that part is not responsible for increasing the world output of carbon - monoxide, dioxide, or any other kind.

While in his youth, little Steele may feel cool for a while when he's into trains and flatbed loaders. Young Chromium may have a sound youth as she strives to be as shiny as Daddy's new Chevy rims. But as they age, their clever names will instantaneously dictate their futures. Steele will naturally take his position in life on a basic cable daytime soap opera, and Chromium may find herself inexplicably drawn to her high school chemistry teacher, as he will elementally be able to explain her innermost thoughts and feelings. Inanimate objects are simply that. Leave them be.


Overanimated: On the opposite end of the animate spectrum are those names that reflect objects that do have life within them. These words, typically used as nouns by most beings on planet Earth, have been of late mistaken as proper names by new and confused parents. Again, objects, whether animate or inanimate, are not to be used to name children. If your imagination is stifled by the fact we have just eliminated twelve of your final thirteen options, here's the reality. A typical conversation in the presence of animately-named children may go as follows:

Parent: Okay, kids, look out for that dog. We don't know if he's friendly.
Dawg: What? I'm a good kid.
Parent: Not you, Dawg. That pit bull over there by the birch.
Birch: Aaaaaah! Mommy, get the dog away from me!
Dawg: I didn't touch her! Look. .... Ha ha. I can see that dog's johnson.
Johnson: See what dog, Dawg?

And so forth. Please stop the madness.


City Search: City naming can be traced back to the early Roman Empire. At that time, there was more land in need of names than babies, and so cities were named after heroes / villains / conquerors. In the early 1970s, actors named Dakota began popping up in the farmlands of Nebraska. Soap stars named Cheyenne appeared across all three major networks. And D'Nile was no longer just a river in Egypt.

The actual turning point (when people began to be named after cities, rather than vice versa) has yet to be pinpointed, but it seems to fall somewhere between Richard Nixon naming his dog after a board game, and Gordon Sumner naming himself a verb. Trust us, the best city names have already been spent. Washington, Lincoln, and Jefferson have played their roles in history. Avoid setting your child up for a life of mimicry with a more popular city name, and a lifetime of misery with a more unique city name - Wichita, Reno, or Sarasota. There's absolutely no hope.


It's the 21st Century... Move On!: Old people are the best. Really.... their wrinkly skin, their bad breath, their endless stories. All of these elements add up to a barrel of laughs, and a night of adventure! Old people deserve to be heard. They've been through a lot more than we will ever see. Inasmuch as they have earned our respect, they have also earned the right to be named as old people. You know the names: Murray, Irving, and Ethel.

Go right now to any rest home in your neighborhood and ask for Harry, Eugene, or Marvin. Odds are that you'll have to come up with a last name since they'll have at least two or three of each. These are the Mr. and Mrs. Popular names of our elders. And what little baby wants to be named after an old person? Names like these belong inherently to the elderly and should not be borrowed or otherwise used by anyone not retired and / or on Social Security.


For The Love of God: Biblical names have always been of use to new parents looking to define their children's personalities. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph have always been "popular" names in Mexico and the Bible Belt. However, the Solomons / Cains / even Abels should all be put to rest. Leave these names alone. Think of it this way:

You're at the airport and raise your sign to get the attention of the client you are supposed to be picking up from Los Angeles. He's a caterer's assistant and you've never met him. All you know is that his name is Jesus. You continue to hold your sign. A few people even drop coins at your feet. Suddenly, security arrives and three large officers escort you (and the Hare Krishnas) from the lobby. All this in the name of religion. Avoid the controversy.


Shop at the Mall, Not The Nursery: One of the more disturbing naming trends of the century is BRANDING. It is bad enough that with the advent of TiVo, primetime product placement is at an all-time high, but the Social Security Administration actually recorded several new Timberlands, Luckys, and Armanis in recent years. If you are going to go to the trouble of advertising for a product through the name of your child, you might as well benefit from it as best you can. Use the following strategy:

Spend some time researching the agency that represents the brand name you have in mind. Contact the agency and ask for the senior media strategist. Write a letter that indicates your intention to help the company build their brand through infant naming. Propose a win-win profit sharing opportunity that suggests if the company agrees to pay for the child's college education, you will in turn pay the company ten percent of the child's annual income, for the life of the child, paid annually, on a mutually approvable biannual accounting basis. If negotiations ensue, suggest that if you as parents ever give up your option on the child, rights to the infant will revert to the company in perpetuity throughout the universe.


Sweet Emotion: When it comes to the new rules of antinaming, there is no worse sin committed than that of vanity - or Hope / Joy / Despair, for that matter. There is a time and a place for emotion, and neither coincides with the occasion of naming a child. The primary contention is simply this: Pigeonholing your child to live up to a specific emotion will lead to years of confusion. If you disagree, you'd best convert your child's college savings into a flexible medical savings account to pay for the decades of therapy your child will be sure to endure as she delves into her psyche to figure out why she's a 48-year-old Virgin.