Saturday, July 03, 2004

Looking forward to Daniel and Michelle's wedding!

I'm very much looking forward to the wedding today..
Daniel and Michelle are just wonderful together..
might go to the jazz festival later with Jon, as well..
makes for a long day with the banquet tonight, but eh..
as long as we all have good times and memories to remember!

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Friday, July 02, 2004

Yazmine is SO dense!

met Yazmine at the mall, where we mostly did her stuff..
she asked me what 12 times 7 was, and looked at her CareCard for her middle name..
that was a bit surprising, but to each their own? ;)
earlier, I was on edge for some reason.. figured it out..
redrum is at least a partial explanation of my jumpiness..
apprehension over bad familial stuff might be another..
I will definitely NOT be drinking booze at the banquet..
hope the vodka has cleared my system now.. aspirin's needed!
(had to drink six sips of it to try calming myself, haha)
if not, I predict I'll feel mighty interesting tonight..
probably not in a good way, either.. I'm outta here!

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Parity archives and little terrors

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DIANNE.. I hope you have a good one today! :) It's been great having your hyper energy around.

had a very interesting conversation with Corey, as usual..
thank goodness it didn't start out like Wednesday's ;)
I'm not that insane, to read all those ghost stories..
talked about underwear, PARITY archives, MSN names..
briefly talked to Michael, who's not fashed by the terms of endearment which I may call him sometimes..
I'll use someone else's excuse for it, applying it to me..
feistiness / humor is all good over there.. no aches ;)
speaking of the devil, Stephen just buzzed me to say hi..
he's a little terror, and insane to give me a fright!
of course, I mean that in all joking love sincerity..
at least, that's what I'm saying here.. you can believe me or not at your peril, kiddies ;)
that's it from here for now.. outta here to meet Yazmine!

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Friday Five: This or that

For each question, pick one of the options and say why you made your choice. Feel free to waffle between the two choices, or to not choose either.

1. Would you rather earn more money or have more time off?

More time off: money is good, but if you're working like a slave to the wage / running around like a chicken with its head cut off like my dear friend Spoz has been lately... *thud*

2. Which is more important, the ends or the means?

Both.. of course, the outcome of an event is important. However, it'll come back to haunt you if dastardly means are used to ensure a self-favoring outcome. Can't really decide, though.

3. How are our personalities formed, by nature or through nurture?

Man, I'd have some interesting things to say about this if I were a psychologist! ;)

Nature has a definite part in it, but then so does nurture.. your childhood experiences shape who you are and become. (if that's the case, then I'm too screwed! :P ) But everyone has their own independent streak as well... ultimate answer: both nature and nurture.

4. Who do you feel closer to, your mother or your father?

Neither, for certain reasons which I won't get into here.

5. Why do you answer these silly questions, out of boredom or out of love of introspection?

More out of boredom.. introspection is fine, but I can only handle so much of it before I go insanely bonkers. :D

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Thursday, July 01, 2004

Ghost stories and Gmail invites

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MEGAN.. I hope you have a good one today! :) It's been great knowing you at church forever, eh?

Corey emailed me 259 pages' worth of ghost stories..
he also offered one of his Gmail invites to me..
I think I'll wait on the reading / setup till later..
having to be at Jon's has its advantages and drawbacks!
Erik said he'd done a July birthday thread.. so had I!
we eventually figured it was due to a miscommunication..
ah well, at least things are fine with us now.. whew..
it's good to know you have a place in people's hearts ;)

Once I get them, I'll backdate them in here.

LJ Ghost Stories Memories
GJ Ghost Stories Memories
Random Musings Ghost Stories Memories
Blogger Ghost Stories Links

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The "Not Cool" list

My Official List of Jerk Qualities.

How to Be a Jerk

By: Kat "The Yellow Dart" Kattattack

1. Wear a trucker hat. Sideways.

2. Play your radio as loud as you can, with the bass up as high as you can, with your windows as far down as you can, and drive next to me at every red light and stop sign.

3. Make sure you only play Godsmack, Creed, and Limp Bizkit.

4. Drive a Hummer, but decorate it with bobble heads, fuzzy dice, flower decals, and pink steering wheel / seat covers to soften it up a bit.

5. Cut in front of me at a fast food place and then scan the menu without making up your mind on exactly what you're going to get. Stand there in thought for 15 minutes. Then ask exactly what is "included" in the salad. After having every ingredient read to you from every single flavor of dressing, order a hamburger.

6. Call everyone and everything "emo." The less sense it makes, the better.

7. Insert one or more AIM smilies in every IM you send. Make sure they don't make sense.

8. Abbreviate everything on AIM. Insist that you must "ttyl bc u g.t.t.m.t.g.a.b.t.e. b4 u ^ da 411 on ur rents."

9. If you understood #8, you need not read further.

10. Go to the mall and "hang out" in hopes that another teenager your age is also "hanging out," and will notice you and "hang out" with you.

11. tYpE lIkE tHiS.

12. tAlK lIkE tHiS.

13. Use gel pens to give yourself fake tattoos.

14. Spend a good $5 to rent the J.Lo / Affleck movie GIGLI "just to see how bad it is."

15. Yell, scream, and break up with your boyfriend on your cellphone while you are in the elevator with me at the Dentist's office.

16. Answer everything with "because" and then with "because I said so."

17. Whistle TV commercial jingles.

18. Drive your Taurus like a Ferrari.

19. Incorporate American Idol news into every conversation you have.

20. Pretend to play a really small invisible violin whenever people are sad.

21. Turn your lights off on dark roads and then flash them and honk your horn at the very moment another car comes past you.

22. Doodle your name with someone else's with a big giant heart everywhere. Tables, cars, walls, books..

23. Narrate everything you do from an outsider's perspective.

24. Try to fit the word "like" at least 4 times in every sentence.

25. To come across as intelligent, compare everything to an "interesting article" that you just read. Make these articles up as you go along.

26. Narrate what you do online as if it were a Broadway play. (example: *rolls eyes* or *sighs* or *takes a sip of Coke.* or better yet, do it the Virginia Woolf way and make it overly long and exhausting: *she slowly puts the can of room temperature Coke down on the wood stained computer desk and suspiciously looks around the still room and its traditional style furniture in hopes that a burglar has not entered in without her knowing..*)

27. Use your divine AOL abilities to have an annoying song play when you sign on or offline or when you send an IM. My favorite is Kyle's who says "HOLLA" whenever he IMs me. (because of that, he is exempt from the remainder of this list)

28. Mention how much your clothes cost and exactly what kind of sale you got on them, even when they look awful.

29. Randomly quote really awful movies, like Robocop and Drop Dead Fred.

30. Go to concerts and then complain that every band sucks.

31. Type with a speech impediment online, like "thith ith thupid."

32. Post long, pointless AIM convos in every LiveJournal post. Make sure you do not explain or shorten them, because that would take away from their lack of meaning.

33. Drive like you are attached to my bumper.

34. Laugh too hard at all of my jokes. or non-jokes.

35. Give all your friends nicknames like "Jet," "Curly," and "T-Bone" just to sound like you are a fun crowd to hang out with.

36. Make a whole CD about how you lost your girlfriend and how sad you are, although your grieving will make you millions of dollars in CD sales alone.

37. When parking in a crowded area, make sure to take up as many spots as physically possible.

38. Cut up your hamburger, French fries, and pickle.

39. Quadruple-knot your shoes every 10 minutes to be safe. (quadruple is one more then triple.. I think)

40. When you can't finish a sentence or coherent thought, end it with "ya know........." and then a hand gesture.

41. Make your sentences sound like questions by inserting a pause and then dipping your voice at the end. (ie: "My name's... Kat? I'm from... Lemont?")

42. Insist that everyone hear your William Shatner impression.

43. Vividly describe your dream of Louie Anderson at a nudist beach while out in public.

44. Slurp when you eat solid foods.

45. Name all your songs wrong so when people download Stereolab, they actually get Destiny's Child. Or when they download Local H, they get Hanson. That'll teach them not to steal.

46. Give yourself a theme song for when you enter or exit a room dramatically.

47. Leave people voicemails that are at least seven minutes long. Make sure you say something really important at the end, so they have to hear it all out without skipping ahead.

48. Give yourself a strange accent and language when you call for customer service. That way, they won't have a translator and you can swear at them all you want in your special language.

49. Order your toast untoasted at restaurants. Say that you will not repeat yourself.

50. Tell someone the same joke on an hourly basis. (I suggest knock-knock jokes or political jokes from the mid-80s)

51. Structure your sentences like Yoda, with your subject following the predicate. (example: Annoying are you, young grasshopper.)

52. Choose electric yellow size 1 font when typing documents or IMs.

53. Sing School House Rock songs constantly.

54. Carry loose bullets in your pockets, purse, and hands. Drop them all over nervously. When people ask, make them sign a document saying they saw nothing.

55. Go into the China Wok and order tacos.

56. Call my house, ask for Taneesha, apologize for dialing the wrong number, then dial back one minute later.

57. When you don't like something, say something nonsensical like "ewww pooey" to describe your emotions and feelings.

58. Join MySpace and / or Friendster.

59. Make your screen name "cutiedollhotsexychick" ... but secretly be a 45-year-old lonely divorcee wearing a Star Wars T-shirt with Spaghetti-O stains on it.

60. Drive a new convertible, park it with the TOP down, and only lock the driver's side door outside your private college prep school. Then feel proud of yourself.

61. "Pimp your ride."

62. Be a part of a couple that gets all up on each other in public.

63. Brag that you are cultured because you used TiVo to save all the episodes of The O.C. last season.

64. Make sure you laugh like Urkel meets Fran Drescher meets Peter Griffin.

65. Dress like Dennis Rodman.

66. Repeat everything you say three times. I call this the "echo effect" and it is definitely jerk-quality material.

67. If you are female: wear tight babydoll shirts with stuff like "too cute for you" on them. If you are male: wear cutoff shorts.

68. Make "yo mama" jokes like it was your job.

69. Insist that you are going to live longer because of the antioxidants in your green tea, but still continue to smoke a pack of menthol cigarettes a day.

70. Put cereal boxes back in the cupboard when they only have grains of actual Cheerios left.

71. Celebrate fake holidays like Sweetest Day.

72. Dot your I's with little hearts.

73. Sneeze in your library books so when I read them, I can catch diseases while trying to read the blurred print.

74. Make your pickup truck "classy" by covering it with NRA stickers.

75. Call your boyfriend / girlfriend really gross gagworthy names like "smoochie poochie" or "hunny bunny" or "soulmate." Gag me with a spoon.

Thank goodness I'm not guilty of much (if anything) on the list.. whew!

Spoz and I had a running discussion about #75 around Valentine's Day 2003. Thank goodness I don't have anything like that going on! :P

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Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Sushi platter prices at Koko

went to dinner at Koko with Steph, Cindy, Dawn, and Linda..
had an interesting time with the "sushi platter" prices..
we're too used to Daimasu or Samurai Sushi.. more value!
Cindy inadvertently ordered a roll with real crab meat..
she has allergies to shellfish, so that was a mistake..
discussed updates / life / plans, airport security, etc.
Dawn told us about her ideal way to die at 80 surrounded by family and friends, with some steak..
at Dairy Queen, the Blizzards were almost melting.. not hard like we expected them to be..
thanks to some creative bus-blocking by Steph, Dawn managed to catch her bus as it was leaving..
if not, then she would have had to wait for a while..
certainly hope the bus driver didn't give her a hard time!
an interesting night, and now I'm home to talk to people..
always a good way to end off, especially if there has been a bit of stramash earlier..
not getting into it here, but the expectations were bad ;)

Note: LJ Date KwizBiz, by KwizBiz.

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Dinner and chilling with the girls

decided to call my sister because I was kinda bored..
turns out she's going out for dinner tonight at 7 with Dawn, Cindy, and Linda.. she even invited me..
I wanted to make sure Linda wouldn't mind.. even though I do not think she would, you never know!
so I'm going, even if I do have to go over to my brother's in a bit.. at least our dad will drive us to church..
(he'll be there for prayer meeting, so that's cool..)
never mind that they're all younger than I am except Linda; she's older than I am, but age isn't a "chilling" factor..
especially with the varied ages of people at church ;)
now I'm kinda excited about it all.. it took away boredom!

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Childhood punishments

My parents were very good at emotional and verbal abuse. There was more than one time that my mother told me that she didn't love me anymore, that she wouldn't speak to me anymore, and that she wished she had never had me. My father would tell me that I was no good at anything, and wouldn't amount to much. I believe there was at least one time that my mom told me that she'd much rather have the two babies she lost to miscarriages instead of me. (I was born first, then she had the miscarriages, then she had my brother, and finally, my sister) There were many other examples, but I remember those as being very stark. Who wouldn't? I mean, telling your own child that you wished they had never existed? That's not exactly going to bring about a change for the better, you know.

My mother would also make me kneel on the floor, put my hands over my ears, and pull at my earlobes. Talk about losing your dignity, especially given she was still punishing me like this when I was over 18! She once made me do that for an entire night on the kitchen floor (for forgetting to tell her to bring something important on a family outing; I think the item in question was her camera or something), and warned me that she'd be checking on me to make sure I didn't fall asleep. If I did, she warned that the punishment would be even more severe: she'd make me do that for the entire next day. Needless to say, I made damn sure I didn't fall asleep. Did I mention that the next day was a school day? I probably went around like a zombie.

My father was also never afraid to swear and curse at us; what made this sort of unusual was that he was a respected deacon and / or chair of our church at that time. Maybe what we did was enough to make a saint swear when provoked to the extreme limits of his patience, but what we did wasn't that bad (not showing a report card to them because it contained bad grades), and nor is my father a saint by any stretch of the imagination. (I'm not, either, but seriously.. that was enough to shock us!

The swear words didn't necessarily shock us, as we probably heard them every day at school, but the fact that our respected churchman father was doing what we were strictly warned against was probably what did it. We didn't expect our parents to have unlimited reserves of patience, of course, but did he have to do THAT? Definitely shocked our little brains!

There were times when my parents would go through my stuff, and randomly destroy things they felt were dear to me. They'd also read my diary, and use what I had said in there against me. Stuff that I thought was private would invariably come back to haunt me when I least expected it. I made damn sure to get diaries with locks on them when I got old enough!

As I've mentioned in other threads, my mother would use the wooden end of a feather duster to spank us if she thought we were being naughty. It was referred to as the "gy-mo-so" (approximate phonetic pronunciation), and she never used it for its intended purpose, either. Didn't matter if it was trivial or not, we got the non-business end of the feather duster. (and got it pretty hard, too.. made us cry, usually) There were also the times that she'd use a wooden spoon to accomplish the same purpose. (to spank us for something we'd done wrong) Yes, there were the spankings with their bare hands, but the feather duster was the usual around the house.

I don't think that my mother was very amused when I told the elementary school counsellor about it; in fact, she tried to downplay it when the counsellor mentioned it to her. And you better believe that I got it pretty bad when I got home! Seems my mom thought that such punishments should stay en famille, and that "outsiders" should never know about it. I got lots of dirty looks from my parents when that happened, believe me. They were also very good at getting my siblings to believe that I was the one who had done wrong, and not them.

Then there was the time that I used my parents' facecloths to wipe the toilet after I'd finished washing it.. they went absolutely ballistic! My father actually tried to strangle me over it, and only stopped when my mother told him to. Then they tried to kick me out of the house, when I was wearing only my pajamas! Needless to say, I was quite distraught, and went right to the high school counsellor the next day (I was in Gr. 12 at the time) and told him the whole story. My mom didn't think it was very funny when social services called her at home a few days after!

The day after that, I tried to get away from them (my mother had screamed at me, telling me that I wasn't worthy to call her Mom, and so should only call her Mrs. Ng). When family friends (Eunice and her parents) finally persuaded me to at least call and say I was all right, my family wanted me to come home. Yeah right! I spent the night at Leni's house and went to school the next day, only to discover that my mom had opened my locker (she had to know all our locker combos) and put a note inside that said that they were going to Dairy Queen afterwards. So I had to go there, but typical of my family, nothing was said about what had happened. Apparently, after that, they thought things would be all smooth once again, and we were all happy together... NOT! *rolls eyes*

Actually, that's just like my mom: to compensate for something unpleasant, she'll offer me what she thinks to be adequate remuneration. The compensation for Dad almost strangling me? A trip to Dairy Queen for ice cream the next night! That's GOT TO BE enough to make me forget about it, right? I mean, they're spending their money on ice cream for me, so it must be satisfactory! *rolls eyes* Hmm.. I don't think so!

For not telling them about my high school graduation ceremonies, I was almost made not to go. Thank goodness I had called my friend Leni earlier and made other plans.. my parents couldn't refuse when my friend's parents showed up at the door and announced that they were going to take me. Yes, I probably hurt my parents by doing so (which they mentioned years after the fact), but I had reached such a low emotional point in my life by then (almost all caused by my parents.. seriously) that I didn't feel like inviting them to the ceremony! (I might have invited my siblings or something, but they weren't of age to drive or anything)

There was an insane amount of yelling and screaming in our house; most of it (as I remember) directed at me. For example, there was the time I got two or three F's on one of my Gr. 8 report card. Understandably, they weren't very pleased, but did they have to yell at me all night for it? They told me that I wasn't a very good daughter and had brought shame on the family name. (which I might have understood if I had come home and announced that I was pregnant, or something.. but not over that!)

There were the times that they'd make me take a walk when they were angry with me. (like the time when my Gr. 8 marks weren't as good as expected; it was dark at night) Once, the police found me and wondered what I was doing. Staying away from my parents, I told them. The only thing my parents wished to know when I got home was where my socks were. No concern about where I had been, only an inquiry about my socks! As if the material possessions (a pair of socks) were more important than my emotional well-being.. I don't think so! That's also how they sometimes think nowadays.. *sigh*

My parents would also not allow me to go out with my friends if I had done something wrong. "But that's surely normal," I can hear you saying. Yes, but they refused to let me go to church because I'd see my friends there! Maybe they thought that if I saw my friends, I'd be tempted to do badly in school, or something. I have NO idea what that was all about.

I remember this time in college that my grades weren't the best. My parents decided that an appropriate punishment for me was grounding. And when I say "grounding," I mean grounding! They didn't let me go to Fellowship or choir, presumably because if I saw my friends, I'd actually have fun, and we all know that having fun is not permissible when your grades are not at your best. *rolls eyes* Going to church was a must, though (of course), and they monitored me throughout all those Sundays. Ten weeks of hell... at least my friends stuck up for me!

There was the time that my family came to pick me up after the school band had been somewhere. Since I didn't come to the car when they called (it was embarrassing to my teenage self at the time to have your parents call out your name from the parking lot; besides, I had to go into the school and get some things from my locker), I got excluded from the meal the family was going to have at the Pantry (a local restaurant). Instead, they drove me home, set me to work weeding the garden, then they all went out to eat.

Speaking of weeding the garden, there was this time that my parents got cheesed off at me for doing something wrong (I no longer remember what, thankfully) and made me weed the garden. They had said some pretty hurtful things to me during this latest round of conflict (probably about my grades), and so I found it deliciously bloody ironic that my mom told me, as she handed me a pair of gardening gloves: "Put these on.. I don't want you to be hurt." So where was that concern during the round of yelling they'd just had with me? Maybe they thought physical hurt was more immediate than emotional hurt, I don't know. But I don't think one is necessarily more hurtful than the other. Physical pain may heal over time, but emotional pain leaves deep scars.

There were also the times that my parents refused to let me eat anything for dinner (except maybe rice, if they were feeling generous) because of something I'd done wrong. That might be a usual childhood punishment, but they were doing it when I was 14 and 15, for goodness' sakes! Definitely not a child, anymore. There was this time that we were invited for dinner at a restaurant, and I couldn't eat anything except rice. Then my cousin (who was living with us at the time) intervened and asked if I couldn't have something more. Believe me, I was grateful to her. Of course, this got spun by my mother into: "If Yvonne hadn't been so nice to you, you wouldn't have gotten anything else to eat!" More like they couldn't refuse my cousin at all. (or she'd think that they were being cruel, which they were)

There was also the time that I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone because I had managed to do something wrong.. AGAIN. My parents went out for the night, and left a family friend (Auntie Betty or Auntie Gloria) in charge to look after the three of us. She must have thought it peculiar that I didn't answer her when she spoke to me. (my parents probably didn't tell her that I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone)

I remember when my parents made me write lines (yes, just like elementary school) detailing what I must never do again. "I will not plug the toilet again," "I will not hurt my sister again," etc. all written out at least 100 times on blank or lined paper. If I had missed one line, I had to redo them all over again.

There were the times that my parents forbade me to read anything because my grades were not that great. (no, I wasn't that great a student, but I did try) Now this was a real punishment, since I love to read. Of course, I'd try to sneak in a bit of reading by claiming that it was necessary for school. (which was definitely not the case with my brother's Asterix comics that he borrowed from his elementary school library)

My mother would also deny me TV privileges. But she would deny me those, plus reading and phone privileges, for at least a week or more. And she would continually tell me that I'd done wrong.. so I don't think her temper ever cooled down. For that matter, neither did my father's.

Then there was the time that they discovered I'd been calling my mother a bitch. In retrospect, it was unwise of me to show the note to my sister (I'd been writing a note to my friend Nick), but they didn't have to make me kneel on the floor all afternoon and evening as punishment! Of course, they kept the ripped-up note in their room for some time as a guilt trip punishment; every time I went into their room for weeks afterwards, I couldn't help but notice the remains of the note. (I had to go in their room to do various chores in there, like sweeping the floor and such)

I remember my mother slapping me in the face more than once; usually for lying or some offense like that. (or for going to visit my old elementary school when I should have gone straight home) When I talked to people who were a year behind me in school, and they told me that they could take the bus downtown all by themselves, I was jealous! I would never have been allowed to do that, you see.

I could probably think of more things to relate in this post, but I think this is more than enough for now. Suffice to say that there were many, many times when their punishments and such left me crying to myself, friends, counsellors, etc.

Of course, if I related all of my tales to my mom, she'd probably either deny it or brush it off with something along the lines of: "Well, we were your parents, so we had to punish you. I'm not sure it did any good, though. But all parents have to punish their kids when they do something wrong, and you were the worst out of the three of you, so it was justified."

And my parents wonder why I seem never to tell my friends the good things about them! Yes, they have their good qualities, but is it any wonder I'm hard-pressed to think about any right now? Besides, my friends are there for me if I need to vent, so that's certainly justified.

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Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Making four new friends today!

I've made four new friends today.. that makes me happy!
currently involved in a long discussion with Michael..
also talking to Corey about reading material and such..
the baby photos got through to Steve and Carol all right..
thank goodness for friends who are willing to help out..
scanned / posted / Photobucketed in short order?
at least they'll be returned, if not lost in mail..
I really wish the card had got through to Stephen too..
he says he sent me something, but I haven't gotten it..
ah well, namooch you can do about the postal service! ;)

I successfully convinced Yazmine to hang out in Richmond on Friday.. that way, I can go out and have fun..
wasn't planning on going to Fellowship that night, either..
Whistler / a BC Lions football game already were planned..
besides, I won't be out late.. a wedding the next day!
tomorrow, I might talk a little bit more to him..
guess we'll see how all that goes.. hopefully well ;)

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213 things Skippy can't do in the US Army

you should all check out this hilarious website..
my new friend Dave (Chimpy) told me about it this morning.. so funny..
"213 things Skippy can't do in the US Army".. HAHAHAHA!
I should definitely tell everyone about it later on..
it'll make you scream with laughter, perhaps.. good, eh?

April 16, 2003

The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

SGT Shawn Stanford

Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hilarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it.

1. Not allowed to watch South Park when I'm supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz," not "Princess Anastasia."

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play "Pulp Fiction" with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add "In accordance with the prophesy" to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product "Get Over It."

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.

11. Not allowed to join the communist party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to "Sic Brass!"

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my "Samson-like powers."

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous "Barbie Girl Dance" while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime.. even if I'm right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a "Wanker."

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that "We kicked your ass in World War 2!"

27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers' alarm clocks. (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times)

29. The Irish MPs are not after "Me frosted lucky charms."

30. Not allowed to wake a Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing High Speed Dirt by Megadeth during airborne operations. ("See the earth below / Soon to make a crater / Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker")

36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over...)

37. Our medic is called "Sgt Larwasa," not "Dr. Feelgood."

38. Our supply Sgt is "Sgt Watkins," not "Sugar Daddy."

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. "Keep on Trucking" is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to "Go to Bragg Boulevard and shake daddy's little money-maker for twenties stuffed into my undies."

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for "magic beans."

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote Dr. Seuss on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell: "Take that, Cobra!" at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote Full Metal Jacket at the rifle range.

54. "Napalm sticks to kids" is *not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to "Put Kiwi on my boots" does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to "Make my boots black and shiny" does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not "Why?"

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black Earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Götterdämmerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60. "The Giant Space Ants" are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine, it means he outranks me. It does not mean "I have been promoted three more times than you."

62. "It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no "Anti-Mime" campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to "Block out the space mind control lasers."

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed "Skyclad."

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them: "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

84. Must not use military vehicles to "squish" things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the "field of honor."

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as "Mom."

89. Must not refer to the Commander as "Dad."

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony, "Romper Bomper Stomper Boo" is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. "Redneck Zombies" is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not "Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks."

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war."

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the Civil War, and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a "Cool Mint" Listerine bottle are not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CDs.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting a "leg" officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh... sorry sir."

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from Full Monty every time I hear the song Hot Stuff.

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off-color joke.

121. I should not use government resources to "waterproof" dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. "Two drink limit" does not mean first and last.

125. "Two drink limit" does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. "Two drink limit" does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. "No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages" does not imply that a Jack Daniels IV is acceptable.

128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft "Dancing Paperclip" is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting, "Let's do the village! Let's do the whole fucking village!" while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove "The pen is mightier than the sword."

142. "Calvin-Ball" is not authorized PT.

143. I do not need to keep a "range card" by my window.

144. "K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-Free" is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke.

148. Putting red "Mike and Ike's" into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is "Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir!" not "You can't prove a thing!"

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light batteries.

153. I should not assign new privates to "guard the flight line."

154. Shouldn't treat "piss-bottles" with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform "lap-dances" while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get "that time of month."

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* "especially patriotic films."

170. Not allowed to "defect" to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

172. "A full magazine and some privacy" is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

175. We do not "charge into battle, naked, like the Celts."

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as "the boxy rectangle thingy."

178. I am not "A lesbian trapped in a man's body."

179. On Army documents, my race is not "Other."

180. Nor is it "Secretariat, in the third."

181. Pokémon trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for "wall-to-wall counseling."

183. My chain of command has neither the time nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups.

184. When operating a military vehicle, I may *not* attempt "something I saw in a cartoon."

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to "Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn."

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not "That's what you think."

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197. I am not allowed to sing Henry the VIII I am until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a "Coup" during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I "just happen" to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.

203. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long-term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."

205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal," "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs," "Flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged.")

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001, and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism... this was the same dinner.)

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

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Monday, June 28, 2004

Ted the Caver / Kitchen Personality and Life's Highway

today, I exercised my civic duty and voted.. not telling you for whom, though :P
Corey decided to creep me out with Ted the Caver..
thanks, dude.. but you're not testing the limits of my love for you as yet, y'know! ;)
as it is, I'm rather happy WE can talk about things! :P
didn't talk much to a certain person, but I was nice..
I gave him his space to get his crap done; as long as he can do the same for me in the future, it's all good..
Farrah is back from her Alaska cruise, which is great..
comment chainage and good friends are the yay-ness! ;)

You are a packet of soy sauce. No, not a bottle,
and not real soy sauce, but that flavored,
colored, salt water they call soy sauce.
You're not giving life your all, are you?
Something's holding you back. Something's
keeping you from truly being happy. You've
been diluted. Not the true you. Find what's
distilled you, and be real soy sauce one day.

The What's In Your Kitchen Personality Test
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm.. perhaps this is true. I'll have to work on finding the agents of my distillation / dilution one day! I know plenty of things that I should let go, but can't for some reason. Help, anyone? ;)

Flami Brolx Highway
Bewilderment Avenue21
Study Hall146
Please Drive Carefully

Where are you on the highway of life?


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Sunday, June 27, 2004


I got up to Level 10 in Mysteries of Time and Space..
Jon had to sleep, so I reluctantly quit the game.. it should have a "pause / save" function built in ;)
that way, you don't have to restart.. although it DOES have codes for certain points within the game..
you don't have to start totally anew, which is something!
promoted the online games to Spoz this morning.. he thought I was someone who had hijacked names on his list..
he has no time for them, as he's busy working on all sorts of stuff like poster designs and new songs..
as I said, that's fair enough.. he's a goofy busy dude ;)

talked to my friends at church today.. Megan's in Philly for a friend's wedding, but Phil says she's back tonight..
Daniel and Michelle are honeymooning in Florida.. fun!
Erin and Eddie had a good time on their respective trips..
Eric initially said I couldn't go home early with him, but I said I could spend time / eat meals with the family anytime..
got home at 1:30, which was quite the refreshing change!
privacy and downtime to listen to the new Matt Good CD, and do certain other things besides?
I say that definitely rocks the house, and saves sanity! ;)

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