Jack Bauer Facts!
I'll post these in parts of about 100 each, haha.
1. Jack Bauer is the 8th, 9th, and 10th wonder of the world.
2. Someone once told Jack Bauer that "gullible" was written on the ceiling. When Jack Bauer looked up, "gullible" WAS written on the ceiling.
3. Jack Bauer has once made a lie detector lie. He then proceeded to torture it until it told the truth.
4. Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.
5. GO passes Jack Bauer to give him 200 dollars.
6. The painting The Scream
is actually a picture from Jack's camera phone.
7. Since 2001, the year 24
premiered, terrorist deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
8. When women are asked what they see in Jack, they respond: "24
." They're not talking about the show, either.
9. Jack Bauer didn't temporarily die from being tortured. He was getting bored of the terrorists' antics, and decided to take a nap before killing them.
10. When Jack Bauer owes Tony Soprano money, Tony says nothing.
11. Jack Bauer's intestines don't digest food. They beat the sh*t out of it until it drags itself away.
12. Jack Bauer never parks in handicap parking spots. He does, however, make sure that there are plenty of crippled people to use them.
is getting stupid. Jack Bauer had to hold his breath so he wouldn't breathe in gas. Since when does Jack Bauer need to breathe? Jack Bauer lives off killing people, not oxygen.
14. The laws of physics and thermodynamics are only intact because Jack Bauer hasn't gotten around to breaking them, yet.
15. Don't come out of the closet. Jack Bauer will find you and put you back.
16. Jack Bauer is a very exceptional gardener. He was able to clip the entire Drazen family tree.
17. Did you ever see the documentary of when Jack Bauer took a day off? It's called Black Hawk Down
18. The only correct answer to the question, "Who's your daddy?" is "Jack Bauer," no matter who you are.
is not a show, it's a way of life.
20. Jack Bauer once worked at Burger King. In 24 hours, they changed their slogan to "Have it Jack Bauer's Way."
21. If Jack Bauer had been flying the plane in Top Gun
, Goose wouldn't have died.
22. If Jack Bauer says: "I need a hacksaw," get him a hacksaw. And while you are at it, get him some sort of bag to put whatever appendage Jack's about to cut into. He'll like your initiative... and someday, that may save your life.
23. While playing baseball, if someone tried to steal a base, Jack Bauer shot them. Nobody steals from Jack Bauer.
24. Jack Bauer can't stick it to the man. He is the man.
25. Jack Bauer is allowed to take the tags off mattresses.
26. Jack Bauer got a 1600 on his SATs, just by putting his name down.
27. Jack Bauer competes as his own country in the Olympics. And wins it.
28. Sure, Jack Bauer cut off his partner Chase's hand - the hand that touched his daughter.
29. Reading facts about Jack Bauer is more addictive than heroin.
30. Jack Bauer never gets pop-ups. Ever.
31. Priests confess to Jack Bauer.
32. The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion. The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion. Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.
33. The game known as Jacks was actually named Pick Em Up until Jack Bauer picked up all the pieces, disarmed a bomb, and killed 10 terrorists in one turn.
34. Jack Bauer delivered himself by Cesarean section.
35. Jack Bauer beats Minesweeper
in expert mode with one click every time.
36. Jack Bauer once poked the Pillsbury Doughboy, and it died.
37. Jack Bauer already knew where the nerve gas was. He just threatened to cut out Walt Cummings' eye for fun.
38. Jack Bauer can fold a piece of paper more than eight times.
39. Jack's birthday is very important to him, for it marks the first time he ever caused someone a great deal of pain.
40. The human body is approximately 60% water. Jack Bauer is 100% bad ass.
41. When Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead, the dog actually died.
42. When Jack Bauer requested a cookie in kindergarten, his teacher told him "no" and laughed. Jack replied by saying, "Look lady, I have crushed three ribcages since recess, rigged the fire alarm to go off right before the spelling test, and stolen a total of $7.50 in lunch money. So maybe you should be a little more scared of the situation you're in and just give me a goddamn cookie."
43. Step-by-step on how to beat Jack Bauer: 1. Don't try.
44. Jack Bauer once killed a man claiming to be Jesus. Jack knew he was lying, because there couldn't possibly be two Sons of God standing in the same room together.
45. Jack Bauer washes colors and whites together.
46. Jack Bauer would win American Idol
by literally blowing away the competition with every round.
47. Jack Bauer sank your battleship.
48. When Jack Bauer was born, terrorists began suicide bombing.
49. Crosswalks weren't made for Jack Bauer. If a car doesn't stop for him, the car loses.
50. When given the choice, Japan chose the A-Bomb over Jack Bauer.
51. Jack Bauer gives his State of the Union every Monday night at 9 PM.
52. The Hulk wouldn't like Jack Bauer when he's angry.
53. Marines are often referred to as Alpha Company because they begin things. Jack Bauer is known as Omega Company because he ends them.
54. Jack Bauer's sperm do not fertilize eggs; they beat the shit out of them and demand a baby.
55. On each page of Jack Bauer's dayplanner are the words: Save the world, again.
56. Jack Bauer learned alchemy to turn gold into lead. You can never have too many bullets.
57. The reason Mexico is having a major economic recovery is because Jack Bauer spent 18 months there.
58. "This man has more lives than a cat." - Ramon Salazar, Season 3
59. Jack Bauer doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
60. Wolverine tried to stab Jack Bauer with his claws once. Wolverine's claws now come out of somewhere other than his hands.
61. When Jack Bauer goes paintballing, he uses a real gun.
62. Barbie dumped Ken for Jack Bauer.
63. Pi runs on forever in fear of Jack Bauer.
64. Jack Bauer doesn't like killing people. He loves it.
65. Jack Bauer plays golf without golf clubs. He stands over the ball, stares at it, and scares it into the hole.
66. The day will soon come when kids in the playground argue over which one of them is going to be Jack Bauer in their schoolyard game. F*ck Superman.
67. Jack Bauer does not push the pedestrian walk sign button. He gets a "walk" signal by approaching the street.
68. Switzerland chose to be neutral to make sure they were always on Jack Bauer's good side.
69. Jack Bauer doesn't need a belt. He demands that his pants stay up.
70. If Jack Bauer was black, his name would be Curtis.
71. When Jack Bauer hears a police siren, he doesn't pull over. The cop does, and lets Jack Bauer handle it.
72. Phone Booth
was really about Jack Bauer's day off.
73. Jack Bauer can clap with one hand.
74. In one day, Jack Bauer has had to bury David Palmer, Michelle Dessler, Edgar Stiles, and Tony Almeida. Because of this, anybody who claims to be having a bad day will have a towel shoved down their throat and their stomach lining removed.
75. Jack Bauer didn't write a college application essay for UCLA. He simply sent a picture of his furious look along with a dead terrorist.
76. If Jack Bauer says "your constitutional rights no longer apply," not even the President can overturn his decision.
77. Jack Bauer can kill 17 people with a six-shooter without reloading.
78. One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer took a flute and jammed it into a counselor's neck.
79. Audrey Raines' nose is crooked because Jack Bauer once gave her a facial.
80. Once, a man told Jack Bauer he was better than him. Just kidding. No one is that stupid.
81. Jack Bauer's cell phone would work even if he was a mile underground beneath the desert in the middle of nowhere... because it knows what's good for it.
83. If the government made public the fact that Jack Bauer is still alive, China would no longer be the world's most populous country.
84. Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.
85. Jack Bauer can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without instructions or an Alan key.
86. Jack Bauer does not have enemies, just people who he has to kill.
87. The real reason the U.S. Government sold the shipping operations to Dubai Ports was to give Jack Bauer a fresh, readily-accessible supply of terrorists to kill.
88. Texas doesn't mess with Jack Bauer.
89. The new best-selling bumper sticker reads: "Jack Bauer will beat the crap out of your Honor Student."
90. When Jack Bauer played Duck Hunt
as a kid, he shot a hole through the TV with the Zapper.
91. Agent Pierce is 62% as tough as Jack Bauer, easily making Agent Pierce the second toughest man in the universe.
92. When Jack Bauer says, "I think he broke a couple of ribs," it roughly translates to, "Hmmm, that kind of stung."
93. Jack Bauer has only cried once, and that was because he ran out of asses to kick.
94. Jack Bauer attracts terrorists like his daughter attracts psychos and mountain lions.
95. Jack Bauer once worked on a oil rig. During that time period, the oil crisis was solved.
96. Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.
97. Jack Bauer once went hunting. Alabama is now mounted on his wall.
98. Jack Bauer kills time for fun.
99. If you are not wearing underwear at this moment, then you are "going Jack Bauer."
100. Jack Bauer could win the Boston Marathon. However, he feels the 1 hour and 40 minutes it would take him could be better spent killing terrorists.
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