DEADLY MASQUERADE, Borongo, Kabochi, and TORMENT!

Barry picked me up early for banking and food shopping, but we encountered much traffic on the way to the banks. We discussed crossword clues, Isaac Asimov, I ROBOT, a "swain," Shakespeare, life updates, and more. When I was finally at the store, I saw Deadly Masquerade: A True Story of Sexual Secrets, Illicit Passion, and Murder (Donita Woodruff) on sale for $5, so I bought it. Also got blackberry juice, on-sale Sunny D, replacement nail clippers, on-sale Palmolive replacement detergent (pomegranate / lavender / orange), replacement Nottingham bread, soy milk x3 (one in chocolate!), strawberry Olympic Greek yogurt, butter, wildberry juice, bananas, on-sale banana and chocolate oatmeal breakfast bars, and Motts Spicy Clamato. Went home and paid my Internet bill - there will be ANOTHER increase?! HOLY HELL. Now I gotta get ready to go to Deb and Dylan's pretty soon, so I can play with baby Declan!


After they find Papas' Sword and Borongo in the Western Cave, the DRAGON QUEST V party goes back to Kabochi to collect the other half of the 3000G reward. Borongo has been terrorizing the village crops, and this little kid says that he KNOWS the Hero is a jungle boy!

Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, curry beef, NARUTO characters

I've been watching stuff like YU-GI-OH and POKEMON, haha... Nathan liked that, to be sure! Took a nap, and found some Japanese curry beef / beef tripe / HA-GOW / shrimp rice rolls in the freezer; you bet I'm eating those! Not sure about the wonton, but perhaps next week. Also watched 48 HOURS: HARD EVIDENCE and MYTHBUSTERS.

You Scored as Kakashi You're Kakashi! Kakashi 100% Gaara 88% Neji 88% Tsunade 75% Chouji 75% Asuma 63% Temari 63% Ino 63% Jiraya 63% Akamaru 63% Shino 63% Sasuke 63% Tenten 50% Kiba 50% Orochimaru 50% Sakura 50% Kankuro 38% Gai 38% Hinata 38% Lee 38% Shikamaru 38% Kurenai 38% Naruto 25%

Impromptu dinner = noodle defeat, again!

Mom said that Grandma wasn't going for dinner, but she WAS enjoying fried rice instead! Jon and Harmony didn't go either since he has to teach till 8:30. Oh well, I decided to take a break from the uploading and go to the "imprompto" dinner at the Cattle Café, anyway. Discussed Nelson, Metrotown, the noodles defeating us, house prices, airlines, chicken wings, sweet potato noodles, spicy stuff (Lisa wouldn't be able to take my Szechuan bowl), Bryant and Shirley getting married in seven weeks or so, GREY'S ANATOMY, Eunice and Eddie getting married in a couple of months, Tracy, the new polymer bills, Auntie Gloria, curry fishballs, Uncle Stephen's son getting married around that time, colors (I dislike pink - Buffalo yarn sold by the Natives or no), new Surrey homicides, overtime, Ryan Getzlaf NOT being Ryan Kesler (Mom...), chicken eggs full of air, "people-movers" (which did NOT improve my mood), "connections," and more. Mom gave me a bunch of gummi candy, more socks, and other things.


These are the noodles which defeated me:

First-round Game 5 elimination?!

Chinese Eric got here shortly after 5, and we discussed Henrik Sedin (1-0!) / Jon / Nathan / Facebook / Philadelphia Flyers / the eliminated Pittsburgh Penguins and Detroit Red Wings / white Eric and hanging out / the city's mood / deficits. We talked about Ryan Kesler / triple overtime in a game being murder for the East Coast / Jared being the former spokesman for Subway / Roberto Luongo / Steph being at the game / John Shorthouse on Team 1040 vs. CBC commentary / the Guinness Book of World Records. Of course he could have some peanuts / iced tea while opening my orange juice and having his own water! We went to Subway during the second intermission, and discussed Veggie Delight / egg salad / Italian Tomato / chipotle sauce / bread / onions / cucumbers / olives.

Went home JUST in time for an L.A. tying goal, which eventually led to overtime! Talked about Nathan being in town, our mothers' reactions while watching hockey, scoring chances, shots on goal, the changes which could come in the off-season, and more. However, it ended really brutally... 2-1 five minutes into OT. UGH, BITTER! Discussed "SEEKING STANLEY," post-mortem calls, Cliff Ronning, the Vegas wedding and timeline, NHL.com, gum, player lines on the ice, the language debate in Montreal (Pierre Gauthier), the police, reactions to the loss, hanging out with Jon pre-baby, SERVANTS, parents, and more. Got him to sign the guestbook, anyway... *sigh* At least we can hang out in future, hopefully with Nate and Jon!

Duggars, conjoined twins, virgins, GEEK LOVE

HAPPY PI DAY! HAPPY WHITE DAY!

Watched JAPAN TSUNAMI: TALES OF TERROR, 19 KIDS AND COUNTING (Duggars!), THE BATES FAMILY, and CSI: MIAMI last night. Today, I watched THE VIRGIN DIARIES / GEEK LOVE / CONJOINED TWINS. (the Herrin twins Kendra and Meliyah - the parents had another set of twins, Austin and Justin) Heard it was snowing again - wet snow, too. Replied to Mandy's email, as well. GEEK LOVE made me laugh at these costumed nerds and geeks at a speed dating event at a conference. HAHAHAHA! They just remind me of certain people (Kaili, Teunis, etc.) she used to know, who would want to "geek out" downtown when there was a PLAYOFF HOCKEY GAME going on. PRIORITIES, people! (Rachel sent my parents a postcard, saying she moved to Ottawa for school)

PRIEST WHITE?! / Visiting Grandma at Respite

Today, I watched CRIMINAL MINDS / THE FIRST 48 (one of which was about a black boy named PRIEST WHITE - that's a bad name!) / CSI, and ate some muffins. Heard that it was snowing around Vancouver; OH SHIT. Left at 1 to visit Grandma at the respite centre, but made a very brief stop at home to throw stuff out. I experienced good bus timing and efficiency, though!

Got to the respite centre (where there was only one Chinese old person unlike yesterday when Jon stopped by), but made a brief stop at the nearby Killarney Market to buy Grandma three oranges. She seemed pleased with the oranges and the shrimp crackers I bought her yesterday, calling me "good." Watched parts of PALM SPRINGS WEEKEND and A PLACE FOR LOVERS on Turner Classic Movies while reminding her and the workers about our dinner tomorrow night. Grandma wanted me to eat dinner there, and thought tomorrow's dinner would involve Auntie Eva - nope, just us! Due to some stupid buses, I got back at 6:30 wanting something WARM. Noodle soup it is!

Jalapeno bagels, vodka, bath salts, Kaitlin, Ryan, Matt, care, and laughter

Note to self: Try jalapeno bagels from Tim Horton's. INTERVENTION tonight: a dad who's an alcoholic (drinking a gallon of vodka a day) / a girl who's addicted to alcohol (drinking up to a fifth of vodka a day - she could black out), marijuana, and crystal meth / a guy who's addicted to snorting synthetic bath salts. Replied to Mandy's email before watching CSI: MIAMI. I got a caring FB wall post from Ryan, which made me smile; I also got funny FB posts from Matt A. and Kaitlin, which made me laugh. I definitely needed that! :)

Grammar police, watering, serial killers, and TLC

Tammy M. added me to Facebook; apparently, my GRAMMAR POLICE picture cracked her up! I remember that Dave loved the picture, haha. Jon came over at 4:40 to water the plants and bug me about stuff. I gave him one package of seaweed, and we chatted about a possible date for a siblings dinner. His and Harmony's schedule is packed, but maybe next Wednesday (the 14th) could work! I know he's preaching this Sunday, and I also missed it the last time he had a sermon.

Incentive, indeed... we also talked about Neighbor Valerie, Steveston Village, my calculator, the TLC shows on hoarders, my plans with Chrystal, my hair, signing up for co-ops, what I've been eating, it being really "warm" here (but the HOHOHO house - where he came from - is cold), and more. I watched shows on true crime / murder / serial killers - "48 HOURS: HARD EVIDENCE" IS THE BOMB! (and so is INTERVENTION!) At least I do have an alternate source of noise! Mike R. also added me to Facebook; oh my!

Ancient Rome, Jack Nicholson, dead janitors, and mad cow disease

In a bid to clear my head, I went to the library since I had to return a couple of books anyhow. Borrowed Roma: The Novel of Ancient Rome (Steven Saylor), Dead Janitors Club: Pathetically True Tales Of a Crime Scene Cleanup King (Jeff Klima), Don't Look Behind You: Ann Rule's Crime Files #15 (Ann Rule), Jan Wong's China: Reports From A Not-So-Foreign Correspondent, Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain (Oliver Sacks), The Trembling Mountain: A Personal Account of Kuru, Cannibals, and Mad Cow Disease (Robert Klitzman), The Family That Couldn't Sleep: A Medical Mystery (D.T. Max), and Bad Boy Drive: The life and fast times of Marlon Brando, Warren Beatty, Jack Nicholson, and Dennis Hopper (Robert Sellers) - plus a book on the history of mistresses by Elizabeth Abbott which I never finished the last time I borrowed it. We'll see how well this goes, since I swear I'm losing my capacity to read a LOT at a single time! I think it was just a momentary distraction... oh well.

Killed to death! / POO ON PEACE! / 1337 gil Litwor Chickens / Don / Wyvern

Angela S. described someone as being "killed to death" - HAHAHAHAHA, no really?! :P

Might do laundry later on, too...


You fight this guard / sergeant (one of 24 soldiers you talk to in a timed four-minute quest) on a Vector toilet after Emperor Gestahl wants "peace" with the Returners in FINAL FANTASY VI:




A leet amount of money from fighting a Don, a Wyvern, and two Litwor Chickens:

Newspaper palindromes / TWO Good Sticks!

Jennifer J. (fate_envies_us) unfriended me from Facebook, and Mary deleted her profile again. Talked to James very briefly on YM, too.


Newspaper palindrome headline in MOTHER 3's nursing home:




Another one about murder and red rum:




I got two relatively rare Good Sticks (a 5% drop) within thirty seconds!

4-0 loss snaps the 14-year streak! / Delite?!

Brad Richards' mother is apparently named Delite. Vanessa bugged me about the Granville Island pumpkin ale and such, too... not while the game is on, man! Speaking of the game, Henrik Lundqvist was pretty good: even though we outshot them and had like 40 shots on goal, he got a 4-0 shutout. There goes the 14-year win streak! *sigh*

Teunis came by just after midnight, and we talked briefly about things while I got him his mail. It seems as if my solution for dealing with unwanted miasma isn't quite what he expected, and the noise level was a bit loud. Talked about visiting with Kaili, hockey, noise, perfume, transporting stuff in his car, cigarette / pot smoke, protests, his building, work, the Robert Pickton case, the Prince George serial killer who just got caught (he murdered a blind girl!), knowing certain people, storage, and more. These brief times are probably for the best, haha!


Facebook claimed that Kevin G. poked me on December 31, 1969... Jenny L. said she got the same thing, as did a couple of her other friends. WTF?!

Beefcake the Mighty left GWAR?! / Casey Anthony / Fried chicken and pizza

As soon as I read that Beefcake the Mighty (Casey Orr) had left GWAR, I let Corey know via Skype message. :O :O :O [literally my face as I read the news, heh] I got up to a message from him saying "well, he's left before, and come back before :P Beefcake and Flattus change "human disguises" a lot." So I had to tell him "Some of the fans on Facebook seem to think he may be going back to some project called Rigor Mortis. Then there was another post a while later calling us all "fools," but I figured that was normal for the band, haha. There was a funny suggestion saying that they should replace Casey Orr with Casey Anthony "because you guys need a real baby killer in the band," haha."

James buzzed me on YM last night, so YAY for that! We talked about my noodles, manners, pork chops, Rush being on the radio RIGHT when he said hi, his stepdad's craftiness, and cutlery. Also talked about tortillas, slurping being acceptable in both our cultures, personal stuff, pizza, Youtube videos, black men and fried chicken, Church's Fried Chicken / KFC / Popeye's, bidding me goodnight, and more. It definitely wasn't weird talking about food, although now he makes me want fried chicken. Guess I'll be going out today to get that and a few other things!

Your Summer Vacation Should Be the Beach

You are laid-back and always ready to go with the flow. Plans change, so why even make them? You are a ton of fun, and you love to bond with others. You make instant friends with people. You are very charming. People simply enjoy being around you. A casual beach vacation is perfect for you. You're always down for a little more rest and relaxation.

What's Your Summer Vacation?

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

Jon Chan, prayer, Chinese Eric, James, olives, mushrooms, and laughter

Teunis got home and we discussed gum, communication, beets, redness, potato pancakes, sausages, hate, caring, chewing, video game music, moving to a new place, talking, flickering lights, boundaries, Rhiannon, and more prior to his going to bed. Hopefully, things are okay - who knows. I just hope he finds a new place soon for my own sanity!

Jon Chan said he was going around praying for things / people, so I did tell him about some things. Chinese Eric cheered me up just by sending me messages on MSN, haha - I told him when Nate was heading back (July 10 is SO CLOSE NOW; we SHOULD all hang out!), and he said he was busy with doctor's visits. Not surprised! Then James came online, too... we talked about Jon, Harmony, still being alive, diet changes, Europe, emails, venting, how I was doing after all, gross stuff, meds, and MORTAL KOMBAT. Also conversed about pizza toppings, olives, mushrooms, jalapenos, Canadian bacon, pineapple, the Jazz Fest, our days, the sunny weather, goodnights, Worcestershire sauce, spelling, and more. At least THAT was a good end to a crappy evening!

Some random person also tried to add me to Facebook - I DON'T THINK SO! Although I did just hear about the verdict in the Anthony murder trial - not guilty, eh? Hmm... something's rotten in the state of Denmark! Someone else also sent me a message claiming that I should start with my last name if I wanted to correct grammar - HAHAHAHAHA, WHAT THE HELL?!

You Are a Frequent Laugher

You are a pleasure seeker. You're a bit of a hedonist, and you enjoy the finer things in life. You are friendly and energetic. You love to laugh, and sometimes you have to hold yourself back. You are easily distracted. There's so much going on in the world, and you think focus is overrated. You like to try new things. If something doesn't work out, at least you gave it a go!

What Does Your Laugh Say About You?

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Word Facts for June 11-17, 2011

Word origin for the weekend of June 11-12, 2011: cui bono - Someone's been murdered. Who's the prime beneficiary of the will? That's the line of reasoning a savvy detective of the Monk / Columbo school might follow. Cui bono? is the lawyer's tag for it, meaning (in Latin) "Who benefits?" It's a good experience to ask yourself whenever something unexpected happens. The company is cutting jobs. Who makes out well?

Word origin for June 13, 2011: cutty sark - The name of the clipper ship of yore, and of the whiskey named after it, is a mildly dirty joke. In Scots English, a "cutty sark" is a short-cut shirt, namely an undershirt or other undergarment. In Robert Burns' poem "Tam O'Shanter," a young woman is wearing a "cutty sark" meant for a little girl. This causes the hero to cry out, transported, "Weel done, Cutty-Sark!" The phrase became well-known in Britain, and then the ship and drink called "undershirt" came to be.

Word origin for June 14, 2011: finest hour - When someone acts with uncommon value or merit, it is customary to praise that action as his or her "finest hour." The term owes to Winston Churchill. He coined the phrase to refer to the heroic actions of the pilots of the Royal Air Force who drove back wave after wave of German attack planes during the Battle of Britain in the summer of 1940.

Word origin for June 15, 2011: staycation - It's a terrible thing - at least to some minds - when an economic downturn means that a vacation has to be spent inside one's home watching TV or catching up on chores. Many homebodies, however, like nothing better than spending vacation time in the comfort of one's castle. The portmanteau word "staycation" was coined for the phenomena in 2003, but it did not come into wide use until the recession that began in late 2007.

Word origin for June 16, 2011: fanboy - A "fan" is a fanatic, or so the word's origin tells us, zealous in his or her devotion to a particular idol or activity. The addition of "boy" adds a sense of servility. The term first turns up in the computer hacker culture in the late 1990s to refer to devotees of particular operating systems ("Mac fanboy," "Linux fanboy"), and is now a fixture in youthful slang.

Word origin for June 17, 2011: devastate - The word "devastate" does not relate to vastness, but instead to an old Latin word, vastus, that underlies our word "waste." To "devastate" an enemy country, by that model, is to turn it into a wasteland. The word was rare in English until the nineteenth century, when the advent of modern mechanized warfare made it ever more useful.

Awkward scrapbooking times at Randal's...

Eric picked me up at around 5:30, and we spent the ride discussing scissors / hair / reading about mass murder / "fusillade" NOT being a made-up or mispronounced word / my being "drunk" as an established "fact" / Randal / slow revenge / cackling / his eating only nine pieces of sushi / Raymond ruining purple for me / red / green / Hyundais / apathy / his Australian character Stanley knowing everything / money / meetings after church not necessarily costing money / Vania attempting to call because she was stuck on the highway. Yes, I did have to cut a knot out of my hair, otherwise it would have been bugging me all evening... as if the scrapbooking session wasn't awkward enough! When we got to church, we saw Christon / Joyce / Cordia waiting... Citrus was there briefly. I settled down to read; unlike last time, I made sure I brought a book! (plus my stickers if needed later)

After the practice, we talked about the baptisms / Alan and Tracy / Randal's place / Randal being a leader who just doesn't have follow-through (Christon claims he doesn't mind if his scrapbook idea was stolen) / dinner. Eric and I stopped by Subway, where he insisted that I have a six-inch sandwich... he also said that I had to come in to yell at the Subway guy. Hahaha, no... parking was hard enough for him, so I didn't want to ruin it by getting out of the car! Don't ask me how I think those two are related... when Eric came back, he said he was performing an act of self-sacrificing love by also getting a dozen cookies for the entire group! He also said that I probably WOULD have yelled at the Subway guy tonight because the guy was doing everything WRONG! "It was like it's his first night on the job - he almost put the wrong sauce on my spicy Italian! Oh, and I got you a toasted sub with onions! Haha!"

On the way to Randal's, Eric and I talked about DARKWING; writing on Facebook walls; closure conversations; drama; my stuff needing to be in his trunk; Dilys / Lesley / Jon's orchestra friend starting with a T all living around Kingsway and Joyce, or Randal's building; awkward times ahead; tomorrow's wedding. Once we were actually there, I pretty much refused to say anything. Randal brought me and Eric some water in Bailey's mugs! Cindy showed up with a TON of supplies like letter stickers, a hot glue gun, various kinds of paper, smelly felts, scissors, other stickers which her teacher friends gave her, and lots more. I was relieved that Randal at least didn't ask us to reimburse him for the Homesense scrapbook's cost! (though Cindy practically gushed about how PERFECT the brown paper and subdued pattern on the cover were...)

We set to working on our pages - I had no creativity whatsoever, so I just expressed myself with the stickers and felts while everyone else cut things out / made things like a fake hockey ticket to a Game 7 Detroit-Vancouver game, various Vancouver landmarks, the Aerosmith (or Red Wings) logo, an Inukshuk, a "horse," and more. (some people even had photos - Eric did, on his camera!) I'm surprised I found enough letter stickers for "Hi Pastor John! / Karmie! / Josiah! / Hannah! / Noah! We will miss you - Leslie Ng. && blessings from Vancouver - VCEFC, BC - goodbye! Thanks for everything!" Cindy thought that it showed my happy style - HAHAHAHA, little does she know that I was only keeping myself busy! This means I'll have to replenish my own supply of stickers, since I totally envy Cindy's collection! Once I saw that Randal was using my stickers, I decided to use his Spiderman and Batman ones; I think it was overkill, since he only used 16, and I must have used 40! Oh well.

We talked about Dianne being in Port Hardy and returning tomorrow, Randal sleeping in the open, bachelor suites, loud lobby people, seals / sea lions / Portland / Newport, her time spent dragon boating, the intense rain there, it raining outside (not good for Calla and Stanford's wedding - at least Jason and Karen had nicer weather!), Chung telling Dylan about the news on Sunday (ironic "Vision Night" indeed!), keeping up with things via Facebook, Cindy's niece Denise, Jeff refusing to let people put pictures of his daughter Allison up there (in his profession, you do need to be careful!), "Where's Waldo?", our weeks, emotional drains, workshops, public speaking, and more. Cindy apologized for talking a lot, but it was fine - glad to hear HER instead of someone else! Kevin mentioned that his Hotmail inbox had been inundated with emails from Wai-Mui, Uncle Hansel, and Uncle Peter; Vicky and I recommended Gmail since it collapses everything into one "conversation," pretty much! At one point, Vicky asked me if I'd finished those wedding leftovers - yup, just today! Eric joked that I could restock at tomorrow's wedding; hahaha, that's the plan!

When we finally got out of there after 11, everyone else thanked Randal for hosting. It's true that we'd have been kicked out of the church about an hour before that! On the way home, I jokingly complained that all this was cutting into my downtime; we also discussed rides to the wedding tomorrow at 12:15-ish (NOT WITH CERTAIN PEOPLE!!! STOP THAT!!!!), Powerpoint, not worrying about the sandwich, ginger, morbidity, responsibility, poop, my winning the STICKER DOMINANCE WAR, fear, phone phobia, threads, #4 / Alderbridge, and more. Thank goodness HE still rocks, unlike certain people I choose not to name!

You're overstating my help, flu boy! / Queen and Weird Al / Casablanca

I finished THE EXILE, which had great illustrations! Was it worth the price I paid for it? Maybe not, but gift cards are a wonderful invention! Dylan emailed us to say that with my help, he'd emailed a bunch of people to see if they could be our panel for an upcoming program, and they'd agreed. With my help?! Really?! While I like being acknowledged for what I manage to do for the group (which might not be much these days), I only sent him ONE reminder email! Hahaha! I hope he's better from the flu, though - THAT apparently sidelined him for three days in bed!

Teunis and I discussed accidentally putting the Mac computer to sleep (SO ANNOYING TO LOSE DATA!), the Portland Pirate Festival in Oregon, code inspiration, music, jalapeno cheese (he loves cheese), MIRROR MIRROR (Gregory Maguire), reading / characters, Jean M. Auel (CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR), the OUTLANDER series in general, the homebrew, baths, and more. We talked about and watched some Queen / Weird Al / Arrogant Worms videos: GUMP, UHF, JURASSIC PARK, ME LIKE HOCKEY, CARROT JUICE IS MURDER, JESUS' BROTHER BOB, INNUENDO, RADIO GA-GA (and METROPOLIS the movie), MONEY FOR NOTHING / BEVERLY HILLBILLIES, WAR OF 1812 (and the real historical background), RIPPY THE GATOR, and more.


Trivia fact for Friday, Sept. 24: What was Casablanca, Morocco, called when the Portuguese built the city in 1515? Casa Branca, Portuguese for "white house." After the Portuguese abandoned the city following an earthquake in 1755, the city was rebuilt. The Spaniards who settled there renamed it Casablanca, which means "white house" in Spanish.

Ripe floating kitty, Tori in front of a malt, Vikings, Islam, Coppertone

High-scoring words of the night:

RIPER (220 points) - against Sabine C. [5W used twice, 4W]
FLOATERS (157 points) - against Eric G. [two 3W]
KITTY (400 points; two 5W), CHOCKS (125 points; 5W) - against Marian M.
MALT (200 points) - against Carol F. [two 5W]
TORII (373 points) - against Josephine S. [4W, 5W, 3W, hook off QATS to make QI]
FRONTED (130 points; 5W, 2W), STAYED (144 points; 4W, 3W) - against Sara W.


Teunis and I discussed his job leads, a game both adults and kids can play (Teresa's six-year-old designs its own levels!), Terry Pratchett and his homemade sword which he hid from the authorities, trolls, and Alzheimer's. Also talked about a "bothersome" news show on genocide / Rwanda / the Congo / bodysnatching, Vikings, mosques in the US, Christianity, Islam, Denmark, warrior religions, wars, Freya, legends, history, silly songs, gum vs. mints, the Arrogant Worms, details and accuracy, the War of 1812, and more.

Trivia fact for Thursday, Sept. 23: What movie funnyman appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine in a photo parody of the famous Coppertone ad that showed a dog pulling down Little Miss Coppertone's panties? Jim Carrey, in the magazine's 1995 Summer Double Issue, with the headline "Jim Carrey - Bare Facts and Shocking Revelations." Esquire magazine ran a similar parody featuring Carmen Electra in June 2004.

Dream of disappointment and water / Sneezing!

Had a weird dream where Auntie Bessy told me how disappointed she was in me because I hadn't been showing up for the kids, my friends and me looking for something in the ocean's watery depths, Eric and Kieran (in white shirts) flanking me when the kids wanted to challenge our authority, and dreaming that I'd vanquished my mother. HAHAHAHA, dreams within dreams... like Jessica G. (hellsings_home) or INCEPTION! Also, it seems that it instantly got cooler as soon as the new month was upon us... weird!

You Are Considerate

You always notice those around you, and you are very polite. Manners come first for you. Relationships are the cornerstone of your life, and it's important for you to get along with people. You are the ideal friend. You are dependable, down to earth, and a great listener. You support your friends and family as much as you can. You love to help other people thrive.

The Sneeze Test

Blogthings: 100's of Fun, Free Quizzes and 3 Stupid Ones

Evil Overlord List

Here's something funny!

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

   
   

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

   
   

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

   
   

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

   
   

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

   
   

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

   
   

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him, then say "No."

   
   

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

   
   

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

   
   

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel which is well outside my borders will work just as well.

    
    

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles, or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

    
    

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

    
    

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

    
    

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

    
    

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

    
    

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

    
    

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

    
    

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

    
    

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

    
    

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

    
    

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated, and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.

    
    

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

    
    

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons, and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

    
    

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

    
    

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

    
    

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

    
    

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason, I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

    
    

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape, and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

    
    

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

    
    

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

    
    

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

    
    

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

    
    

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

    
    

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

    
    

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days, they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

    
    

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

    
    

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

    
    

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

    
    

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

    
    

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

    
    

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

    
    

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

    
    

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks, and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

    
    

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

    
    

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up, I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

    
    

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.

    
    

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

    
    

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

    
    

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead, I will send them out to seize something else, and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

    
    

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

    
    

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

    
    

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

    
    

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

    
    

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being, then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

    
    

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

    
    

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

    
    

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

    
    

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

    
    

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

    
    

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

    
    

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

    
    

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

    
    

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

    
    

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

    
    

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

    
    

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints, then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

    
    

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

    
    

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

    
    

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

    
    

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

    
    

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

    
    

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

    
    

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

    
    

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

    
    

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

    
    

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

    
    

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

    
    

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

    
    

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed, it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

    
    

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

    
    

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off, and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

    
    

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

    
    

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

    
    

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

    
    

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar, then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead, it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

    
    

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

    
    

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

    
    

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence, then send the same group out to try the task again.

    
    

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

    
    

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

    
    

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

    
    

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say this: his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways, and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation, I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

    
    

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

    
    

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

    
    

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way, if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

    
    

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

    
    

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

    
    

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will, and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives, at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

    
    

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

    
    

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

     
     

101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

     
     

102. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone, and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

     
     

103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

     
     

104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

     
     

105. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

     
     

106. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

     
     

107. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

     
     

108. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his / her life through self-sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

     
     

109. I will see to it that plucky young lads / lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

     
     

110. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

     
     

111. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

     
     

112. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.

     
     

113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

     
     

114. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

     
     

115. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.

     
     

116. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

     
     

117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling: "Leave him. He's mine!"

     
     

118. If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.

     
     

119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.

     
     

120. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

     
     

121. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

     
     

122. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.

     
     

123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.

     
     

124. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field, but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.

     
     

125. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

     
     

126. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.

     
     

127. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

     
     

128. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.

     
     

129. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.

     
     

130. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

     
     

131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

     
     

132. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

     
     

133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

     
     

134. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up alongside of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead, I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

     
     

135. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

     
     

136. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

     
     

137. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.

     
     

138. The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.

     
     

139. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

     
     

140. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

     
     

141. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.

     
     

142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords, and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

     
     

143. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.

     
     

144. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.

     
     

145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.

     
     

146. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.

     
     

147. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

     
     

148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

     
     

149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

     
     

150. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs, so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet."

     
     

151. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.

     
     

152. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

     
     

153. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

     
     

154. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

     
     

155. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

     
     

156. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.

     
     

157. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a timetable, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur, and not worry too much if they get stolen.

     
     

158. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

     
     

159. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.

     
     

160. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.

     
     

161. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

     
     

162. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.

     
     

163. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.

     
     

164. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.

     
     

165. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.

     
     

166. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

     
     

167. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.

     
     

168. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.

     
     

169. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.

     
     

170. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.

     
     

171. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.

     
     

172. I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.

     
     

173. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.

     
     

174. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

     
     

175. I will have my fortress exorcised regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.

     
     

176. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.

     
     

177. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.

     
     

178. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off, and he says "Look out behind you!!", I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead, I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me, it will now be heading for him.

     
     

179. I will not outsource core functions.

     
     

180. If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.

     
     

181. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.

     
     

182. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.

     
     

183. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.

     
     

184. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).

     
     

185. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.

     
     

186. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.

     
     

187. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

     
     

188. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

     
     

189. I will never tell the hero: "Yes, I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.

     
     

190. If my mad scientist / wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon, but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.

     
     

191. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.

     
     

192. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.

     
     

193. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive, and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

     
     

194. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.

     
     

195. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.

     
     

196. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.

     
     

197. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

     
     

198. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.

     
     

199. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.

     
     

200. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead, they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

     
     

201. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

     
     

202. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.

     
     

203. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

     
     

204. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.

     
     

205. All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.

     
     

206. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.

     
     

207. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.

     
     

208. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.

     
     

209. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.

     
     

210. All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.

     
     

211. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.

     
     

212. I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.

     
     

213. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.

     
     

214. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)

     
     

215. If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes, then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.

     
     

216. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.

     
     

217. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck, and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress, and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed, and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.

     
     

218. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead, I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.

     
     

219. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.

     
     

220. Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm... I think I need a shave."

     
     

221. My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.

     
     

222. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout: "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"

     
     

223. I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.

     
     

224. I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion, or worse yet, set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors."

     
     

225. I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone, it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

     
     

226. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

     
     

227. I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who, rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.

     
     

228. I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.

     
     

229. If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.

     
     

230. If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.

     
     

231. I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.

     
     

232. Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask for a visitor's name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment, instead of spouting ancient riddles.