New Rules for Antinaming

DAMMIT! This thing just restarted!

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

New Rules For Antinaming

Mr. and Mrs. Popular: While you should certainly avoid any names that would easily allow your child to be taunted, going to the opposite extreme is equally grievous. The naming safety schools of the ever-popular Jennys, Joes, and Johns should be avoided for obvious reasons. But if you are still considering these types of names, let us spell it out for you.

Chances are, your child will be in school with a number of other children with the same name. As a result, teachers / friends / enemies will by default begin to refer to your child by his or her last name. This can cause a flurry of problems, particularly if your last name is Myxlplex or the like. Additionally, the reference to your child by last name will let loose an entirely new slew of independence issues that he or she will eventually have to contend with.

For instance, a gaggle of Jennys referred to only be last name will become known independently as Peal, Plum, Floore, and Burgur. Similarly, a pack of Joes will be left to fight for independence when referred to as Smith, Jones, and Anderson. And finally, a flock of Johns will more easily be scarred, as they could be known as Thomas, Johnson, and Smallburries. Need we say more?


Clevur Speling: One of the most overlooked mistakes made by parents when attempting to give their children unique forenames is misspelling - another mistake is nepotism, but that's a different debate. There is no excuse for misspelling a name. After all... at the end of the day, Genni / Jho / Jawn will endure the same problems as discussed in the above section, as their names are pronounced exactly the same as their popular counterparts.

But misspelled children face another, more damaging aspect in their lives - the fact that everyone will instantly think of them as a fruitcake, or as suffering from dyslexia. If you've ever met a man named Bryon or a woman named Naancie, you know what we're talking about. Naturally, if you've only met Bryon and Naancie socially, you'll have no reason to question their personalities. In fact, you may grow to like Bryon and / or Naancie - until you find yourself spending a weekend with them at a business conference or trade show. Trust us, the moment you find yourself walking down the aisles of the conference hall next to the clearly-labelled "Bryon" or "Naancie," the looks that their name tags will ensure will bring your relationship into question. When naming, always run a spellcheck.


Boys with the Boys, Girls with the Girls: What better way to confuse your child's sexual identity than by mixing genders? Whoever came up with this idea in the first place was a genius. Clearly thinking ahead to the child's college days (perhaps one too many drinks, a new breakup, and a comfortable same-sex shoulder to cry on), the first parents to name their boy Sue or their daughter Sol were way ahead of their time.

Mixing genders in names is second to none when it comes to what NOT to name your baby. There is debate that if a parent (or parents) want to bamboozle a child and his or her role in future relationships, mixing genders in names is actually more effective than simply dressing your boy in a pink slip-on number, or potty-training my gal Sol to pee standing up. If you hope to blur the lines, go for it!


Movie Mania: Pop culture rules the world. Everyone has fantasies of their life mimicking the lives of those characters they see on the big screen. A little fantasy is a good thing, and is great in the bedroom, which is probably what led to your buying the book in the first place. However, parents who load their children with the responsibility of carrying on the name of a blockbuster are doing a disservice to the wee ones - not to mention to themselves, considering the licensing issues that could arise with the film studios.

All we ask is that you think ahead. How will little Morpheus feel when he loses a simple game of dodgeball because he can't jump in slow motion to avoid a slammer? And what about little Amidala? How do you think she'll feel when she realizes that the planet she rules over is really just a trailer park in Boise? If you're not sold yet, let us finally paint the picture of a young pair of brothers, Bo and Luke. The boys get their driver's license and ready their red sports car to race the local authorities. Chances are, their inability to slide through an open window effortlessly will be just enough for Ennis to cuff them and send them up the river. (Of course, they might get out early with good behavior.)


Reverse Assimilation: There is something to be said about multiculturalism. But unless you are cross-cultural parents, don't cross cultures. There is a reason that no WASPs are named Shaniqwa, no Jews are named Mohammed, no African-Americans are named Wong, no Asian-Americans are named Irving, and so forth. Certainly there may be exceptions to the rule - Tiger Woods sounds pretty good - but for the most part, your name should reflect your culture. Not someone else's.


They're Inanimate Objects For A Reason: Ever since the 1900s, inanimate objects have taken their place in the culture of naming in most industrialized nations. In short, Cole / Ash / Oyl generally all contribute greatly to global warming. Naming your child after a part of our ecosystem is fine - as long as that part is not responsible for increasing the world output of carbon - monoxide, dioxide, or any other kind.

While in his youth, little Steele may feel cool for a while when he's into trains and flatbed loaders. Young Chromium may have a sound youth as she strives to be as shiny as Daddy's new Chevy rims. But as they age, their clever names will instantaneously dictate their futures. Steele will naturally take his position in life on a basic cable daytime soap opera, and Chromium may find herself inexplicably drawn to her high school chemistry teacher, as he will elementally be able to explain her innermost thoughts and feelings. Inanimate objects are simply that. Leave them be.


Overanimated: On the opposite end of the animate spectrum are those names that reflect objects that do have life within them. These words, typically used as nouns by most beings on planet Earth, have been of late mistaken as proper names by new and confused parents. Again, objects, whether animate or inanimate, are not to be used to name children. If your imagination is stifled by the fact we have just eliminated twelve of your final thirteen options, here's the reality. A typical conversation in the presence of animately-named children may go as follows:

Parent: Okay, kids, look out for that dog. We don't know if he's friendly.
Dawg: What? I'm a good kid.
Parent: Not you, Dawg. That pit bull over there by the birch.
Birch: Aaaaaah! Mommy, get the dog away from me!
Dawg: I didn't touch her! Look. .... Ha ha. I can see that dog's johnson.
Johnson: See what dog, Dawg?

And so forth. Please stop the madness.


City Search: City naming can be traced back to the early Roman Empire. At that time, there was more land in need of names than babies, and so cities were named after heroes / villains / conquerors. In the early 1970s, actors named Dakota began popping up in the farmlands of Nebraska. Soap stars named Cheyenne appeared across all three major networks. And D'Nile was no longer just a river in Egypt.

The actual turning point (when people began to be named after cities, rather than vice versa) has yet to be pinpointed, but it seems to fall somewhere between Richard Nixon naming his dog after a board game, and Gordon Sumner naming himself a verb. Trust us, the best city names have already been spent. Washington, Lincoln, and Jefferson have played their roles in history. Avoid setting your child up for a life of mimicry with a more popular city name, and a lifetime of misery with a more unique city name - Wichita, Reno, or Sarasota. There's absolutely no hope.


It's the 21st Century... Move On!: Old people are the best. Really.... their wrinkly skin, their bad breath, their endless stories. All of these elements add up to a barrel of laughs, and a night of adventure! Old people deserve to be heard. They've been through a lot more than we will ever see. Inasmuch as they have earned our respect, they have also earned the right to be named as old people. You know the names: Murray, Irving, and Ethel.

Go right now to any rest home in your neighborhood and ask for Harry, Eugene, or Marvin. Odds are that you'll have to come up with a last name since they'll have at least two or three of each. These are the Mr. and Mrs. Popular names of our elders. And what little baby wants to be named after an old person? Names like these belong inherently to the elderly and should not be borrowed or otherwise used by anyone not retired and / or on Social Security.


For The Love of God: Biblical names have always been of use to new parents looking to define their children's personalities. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph have always been "popular" names in Mexico and the Bible Belt. However, the Solomons / Cains / even Abels should all be put to rest. Leave these names alone. Think of it this way:

You're at the airport and raise your sign to get the attention of the client you are supposed to be picking up from Los Angeles. He's a caterer's assistant and you've never met him. All you know is that his name is Jesus. You continue to hold your sign. A few people even drop coins at your feet. Suddenly, security arrives and three large officers escort you (and the Hare Krishnas) from the lobby. All this in the name of religion. Avoid the controversy.


Shop at the Mall, Not The Nursery: One of the more disturbing naming trends of the century is BRANDING. It is bad enough that with the advent of TiVo, primetime product placement is at an all-time high, but the Social Security Administration actually recorded several new Timberlands, Luckys, and Armanis in recent years. If you are going to go to the trouble of advertising for a product through the name of your child, you might as well benefit from it as best you can. Use the following strategy:

Spend some time researching the agency that represents the brand name you have in mind. Contact the agency and ask for the senior media strategist. Write a letter that indicates your intention to help the company build their brand through infant naming. Propose a win-win profit sharing opportunity that suggests if the company agrees to pay for the child's college education, you will in turn pay the company ten percent of the child's annual income, for the life of the child, paid annually, on a mutually approvable biannual accounting basis. If negotiations ensue, suggest that if you as parents ever give up your option on the child, rights to the infant will revert to the company in perpetuity throughout the universe.


Sweet Emotion: When it comes to the new rules of antinaming, there is no worse sin committed than that of vanity - or Hope / Joy / Despair, for that matter. There is a time and a place for emotion, and neither coincides with the occasion of naming a child. The primary contention is simply this: Pigeonholing your child to live up to a specific emotion will lead to years of confusion. If you disagree, you'd best convert your child's college savings into a flexible medical savings account to pay for the decades of therapy your child will be sure to endure as she delves into her psyche to figure out why she's a 48-year-old Virgin.