In-laws and problems (not necessarily related)

Why am I not surprised that this thing restarted?!

These tips are from The Husband Book: A Guy's Guide To Marriage by Harry Harrison Junior, which I plan to give to my brother for his wedding.

In-Laws

She will think your parents are goofy; you will think hers are lock-up material. You will both be right.

Never, ever say she's like her mom.

Don't be stunned if her father looks and acts a little like you.

Since you love her, chances are good you'll love her brothers and sisters.

Never forget she's big on family stuff. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, vacations. She wants to be surrounded by those who love her.

If she's just had a rip-roaring scream-out with her mom, you have two options: seek shelter or comfort her. Neither decision will really be right.

She will take seriously every niece's, cousin's, aunt's, and uncle's birthday and Christmas gift. Don't gripe about the costs.

If talking to her mom really unnerves her, that's reason enough for Caller ID.

Her mother will give you some truly strange gifts. Smile and nod.

If she wants to give her parents money, be gentle here. She knows your bank account balance.


Problems

If you focus on her defects, they will only grow in your mind.

Even if she's wrong, let go of the compulsion to control her.

Focus on what's good and right and wonderful about her. Soon, that's all you'll be able to see.

Your happiness shouldn't rest on what she thinks of you. You can avoid a huge fight by not forcing her to see your sainthood.

Low self-esteem can lead to fighting. If you feel bad about yourself, you'll feel bad about her.

If every time you drink, you have a fight with her... stop drinking.

If your marriage was founded on drinking, sex, and parties... don't be stunned when things go south in a couple of years.

Never go through her purse. It's none of your business what's in there. You won't be able to figure it out anyway.

Never read her diary or her letters unless she gives them to you. You don't want to know.

She'll tolerate your being sick for a couple of days. After that, get up and go to work.

You're entitled to a life of sobriety and sanity and happiness. So is she. So are your kids. Never forget that.

When children start getting into trouble, make the hard decisions together.

Keep in mind your children will constantly watch both of you - are you drinking, is she drinking, are you taking pain pills all day? What are you teaching them?

Understand problems will happen. Problems are part of life... divorce doesn't have to be.

Remember, you made an oath before God to love her forever, not just to love her during the good times.

Spend at least an hour talking with her every night. This will eliminate a lot of problems before they start.

The earlier you bring God into your marriage, the stronger it will be.

Remember, laughter and love exit a marriage about the same time.

Recognize something's haywire if you regularly start losing your temper, trying to change her, or trying to control everything in her life.

Never consider divorce as an option, and it won't be.

Don't be her enabler if she's drinking or using.

Realize that grown adults don't get drunk or stoned. If you're doing one or both, then it's time to grow up.

Don't expect perfection out of her or you. Life will be smoother.

Remember these statistics: 25 percent of marriages have to deal with alcoholism, 22 percent with drug addiction, 28 percent with infidelity, 40 percent with a financial crisis, 100 percent with each other.

Don't get mad because she gets afraid. Understanding, love, sympathy, and talking go a long way during tough times.

Be able to talk about your problems with other men. You'll be amazed how many have walked in your shoes.

Be willing to do some things without her that further your own spiritual growth. This could be dinner with other men, going to ball games, or going to a prayer group.

Realize no situation is hopeless. And as long as you're together, you can survive anything.

Remember, an affair doesn't just happen. It's a decision, one that you can decide not to do.

Expect a miracle every morning.

Turn your marriage over to God, praying that His will be done. This will mean, of course, that what you want will no longer matter.

If she says or does something to upset you, think before you react.

Realize any addiction is a sickness - just like cancer or heart disease.

Don't go to bars or clubs without your wife. You'll get what you deserve, and she deserves better.

Remember there isn't a marriage problem that love, compassion, forgiveness, and kindness can't solve. And you may be the one who has to offer them first.

Don't make her guess if something's wrong. It's astonishing how many grown men act like small children when it comes to communication with their wives.

If you find yourself even thinking about having an affair, act like an adult and seek professional and spiritual guidance.

From day one, make sure she believes you'll stand by her.

Don't be afraid to join a support group if you have to. It will help both you and her.

Realize you both have your own paths to follow, you both have your own problems to solve, and until you heal individually, you'll never heal as a couple.

If a marriage counsellor hasn't made a difference in six months, go to another counsellor.

Decide to love her... no matter what. You have that power.

If you can't let her live your life without criticism or control on her part, you have a problem.

Crisis in a family is inevitable. Letting a crisis rip your marriage apart is optional.

Early on, develop a relationship with your priest, rabbi, or minister. They will be a touchstone to the spiritual for you.

Forget the ridiculous idea that one of you can "go home" to the parents. You are home. Work it out.