Abba, Abbot, Ackerley, and Aeon

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

A

Abba: Mostly blond-haired, blue-eyed pop group from Denmark or Sweden, or one of those Aryan nations. Avoid use unless last name is Imma, in which case the child's name would mean "Father, Mother" and would buy the kid some leeway, at least in Hebrew school. You can use it if last name is Chiquita, in which case the cheese factor of Abba's music would be cancelled out by the self-deprecating, self-titled hit song of the same name.

Abbott: Dim-witted, overweight sidekick. Neither this name nor its variations (see also Abba) should be used outside of Jerusalem or the walls of an area populated by men committed to a mute life of celibacy.

Aceley (ACE-lee) - A kung-fu action star whose gimmick is wearing white face paint and platform moon boots. This word should be used only as an adverb ("He rocks aceley!"), but never as a name unless the intention is to ruin the infant's life from the get-go.

Acheron (AA-ke-ren) - One of the five rivers of Hell. Come on. Please.

Achilles: Annoying ligament of one's heel that hurts anytime one thinks of it. Not recommended for children, though it is highly recommended for dogs - particularly those that are being trained to stay close to their owners on walks.

Ackerley: A copse of oak trees. As a general rule, names ending in "ly" / "lee" / "ley" should be avoided at all cost, especially for boys. Also steer clear of names that imply a startled interjection. See also Ajoi, Chumchum, and Uzi.

Acton: Oak town. Also, treading the boards, pretending to be someone else in front of a large audience.

Adaire: Oak tree settlement. Enough with the trees. See Arbor.

Adam: An irritating child who insists on being first in everything - genetically, chronologically, and alphabetically. Also, a famous ant.

Admiral: One who manages a weekly voyage of 1980s guest stars as they travel to such locations as Puerto Vallarta, Cabo San Lucas, and (during sweeps weeks) Alaska. Exceptions to the rule: if your last name is Bird or Kirk.

Adolf: Thin-mustached psychopath. Lunatic. Once a popular name in Eastern block countries, Adolf quickly fell from fashion in the late 1930s and early 1940s. Not an option for any child.

Adonis: Handsome youth. While the name sounds good and looks good on paper, such a name implies a certain level of narcissism that no child can bear. See also Jesus, Einstein, and Zeus.

Aeneas (uh-KNEE-us) - Area responsible for the final stages of digestion. Rhymes with "heinous." There are no exceptions for any names rhyming with "heinous."

Aeon: Forever and a day. Beyond eternity. Your child's name will last longer than he does. And if that doesn't convince you, then just think of the irony of your offspring's epitaph.

Aesop: Writer of morals. Exception to the rule: If your last name is Sphables.

Aire: The Democratic Republic of the Congo. However, virtual meaning is rather unstable, much like the political climate of the region. Avoid use until at least after the next coup.

Ajax: A sturdy, granulated bathroom-cleaning agent. Exception to the rule: blue-collar families with Type A personalities.

Ajou: Beef bouillon served in a dish over meat sandwich. Also, the sound a sneeze makes. Additionally, when you child is summoned by name (like in class), the teacher may seem anti-Semitic.

Alastair: Strong but aged man who typically speaks with a British accent and announces "Previously on..." for long, boring public programming.

Albany: The state capital of New York. Also, a city on a white hill. Today, the name suggests a not-so-white hill, environmentally speaking.

Alejandro: A handsome pool boy shared by the Stepford wives.

Algernon: Mentally-impaired mouse befriended by character actor Cliff Robertson.

Aliah: A Jewish prayer. Honor bestowed upon uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings, parents, and grandparents of a bar mitzvah boy (or bat mitzvah girl) before the Torah reading and schnapps and herring.

Amadeus: Subject of an 80s pop hit by Falco. See also Falco. Use of such a name in any circumstance rishks the child's growing up to wear tight vinyl clothing and speak unintelligible English. Exception to the rule: child prodigies. However, pianists should be aware that their peers might think them grandiose because of a long-dead, highly-esteemed piano man with the same name.

Amen: Time to eat. Unless the child is bound for a monastery, the confusion that will ensue anytime the child hears a prayer is not worth the religious implications.

Anakin: Egotistical Jedi. Though there is no historical case proving that an Anakin can overcome, use of such a name will generally say more about the parent than the child. (You clearly have a powerful fantasy life, and you're probably a big geek. How did you ever find anyone to bear your children?) This may lead to frequent schoolyard taunting and justifiable rebellion.

Ancelin: Currently in the first phase of trials with the FDA. If Ancelin is approved, your child may be an affordable, noninvasive cure-all for lockjaw and tetanus. If not, he will be another unsuccessful attempt at restructuring the health care system.

Andy: An uncoordinated, red-haired boy with a taste for gingham. Likely to be called Randy Andy in junior high.

Angel: Keep the boy off the pole. Just keep the boy off the pole.

Angus: Scottish breed of cow. Also, when sliced in one-pound sections and grilled over hot coals, available with a shrimp cocktail for $4.99 in Las Vegas. Exceptions to the rule: families with cowboys, ranchers, or rodeo stars.

Anthem: Opening ceremony at sporting events. Hymn of praise and loyalty. A child so named may be inherently motivated to stand at inopportune moments in Little League and peewee soccer matches.

Anthony / Tony: An Italian child ignored by fat aunts because of his long fingernails and garlic breath.

Antwaun: An urban (see also Urban) variation on Anthony. Invaluable. However, due to the recent upsurge in popularity with regard to the name Antwaun, new meanings are a dime a dozen.

Apache: US military attack helicopter. Also, a tribe of Native Americans who suffered great losses during their Texan wars of 1845 to 1850. Exception to the rule: Democrats living in Fort Worth.

Apollo: The Greek god of healing, light, and truth. The bad guy who beat Rocky in Rocky. A child so named will be disliked by most Italian Americans until he begins part two of his life. At that time, he will make friends with the Italian Americans and even train them to fight large, Mohawk-wearing boxers with worse names.

Aramis: A masculine scent with a blend of spices, leather, moss, sandalwood, and clove. Recommended for evening wear, not for newborns.

Arbor: Shady resting place. This name may be used by overweight children, or infants with particularly gargantuan proboscises.

Arby: Maker of thinly-sliced, fine meat sandwiches. A child bearing such a name may gain a lot of attention two or three times a year from people asking for five favors for five dollars. Alternatively, child will frequently be called upon to explain which sauce is white and which is red.

Argus: Giant with one hundred eyes. According to Greek mythology, half of the eyes suffered from insomnia. Additionally, after performing an infamous act of kidnapping, Argus was slain, and his eyes were distributed evenly onto the feathers of a peacock. This is not the kind of story you want for your child.

Army: A large group of men and women sent into battle at the whim of a public official - regardless of justificiation, evidence, and sexual orientation. Child will be great at taking orders, but not a particularly free thinker.

Arrow: A pointed stick. Also, a "gas-saving" model of Plymouth introduced into the United States in the late '60s. Child's seat may stick when reclined.

Ash: Flaky carbon byproduct of fire. If you are going to the lengths of naming your child after the elements that signify a particular area in American history, you might as well get up to speed. The industrial era is over. It is now the age of information. Pentium, Silicon, and Apple are more current than Ash. See also Cole.

Asher: One who is a flaky carbon byproduct of fire.

Ashes: Many flaky carbon byproducts of fire.

Athens: The capital city of Greece, and also a nice place to visit in Georgia. Child may be plagued by an overly greasy hairstyle, a thick Southern drawl, and the distinct smell of loukanika.

Atlantic: Large, deep body of ocean water separating North America from its friends and enemies.

Atlantis: A dead city at the bottom of the ocean. See also Atlantic. A real winner when it comes to naming, particularly if your child will be a swimmer.

Attila: A Hun. Grog-drinking, meat-eating, fur-bearing thug. For visual, picture Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian.

Aubrey: Teutonic ruler of the elves. Unless your infant's cauliflower ear remains pointed after his third month, consider changing his name. Other negative implications to keep in mind are that the feature-film trilogy responsible for making elves popular has already been released on DVD and will be passé by the time your child reaches puberty.

Audi: High-performance extension of the penis. Also, slang for leaving / going / moving on. If you are considering this name, you should do the same.

Austin: The capital of Texas, and the Bionic Man.

Auto: Not manual. Also, a circular or piston-driven engine that creates energy when a spark ignites a combination of gasoline and air. Exceptions to the rule: If your last name is Benz, Ford, or von Baron.

Avon: A popular makeup brand with ads all over TV in the early 1950s. Known for its broad coverage, bright colors, and army of saleswomen racing a bunch of pastel-colored Cadillacs. A great name for a boy!

Axel: Screw-up Michigan detective working primarily in Beverly Hills, California. Child may be plagued by a hyena-like laugh.