It's okay if you're gay if you pretend we're going to get engaged!

This thing just restarted - AGAIN!

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

Undercover Investigations

"What I learned from Dwayne's boat is that it's possible to make love while you're seasick." - Brandy, age 24.

"He always sleeps at my place. He keeps a toothbrush and fresh underwear there. But he won't wash a dish, change a lightbulb, or take out the trash. He eats, makes love, sleeps. Showers. Uses all my stuff. And when he leaves, he takes the newspaper with him." - Leslie, age 26.

"Right in the act, Sheila bit my lips. Hard. I mean, chewed on them. The woman drew blood." - Austin, age 44.

"Stacey wouldn't stay over unless I changed the sheets. She made a fuss about it, so I pulled last week's sheets out of the laundry and put them on the bed. She said I had to change the sheets. She didn't say the sheets had to be CLEAN." - Neil, age 21.

"Jim was a magician. Every place we went, he performed. At the hockey game, he entertained the bleachers before the game. At dinner, the whole restaurant. Theater. We never had a conversation. It was always a show. Unfortunately, bed was a show, too. Now you see it, now you don't." - Barbara, age 41.

"When she fell asleep, Eileen wrapped her body around mine in a stranglehold, like a python. I was afraid to move because I didn't want to wake her up. But I finally had to remove her, peel her limbs off me one by one so I could move. No sooner had I freed myself, rolled over, and settled down than she slid across the bed and engulfed me again. At one point, she was lying on my face. I had to force her off me just to BREATHE. Of course, she remembered none of this. She said she had a great night's sleep." - Mort, age 30.

"Before he would come to bed, Trent had to brush his teeth. Then he used his Water Pik. Then he gargled. I lay there, listening to him complete his program of oral hygiene. This was NOT a turn-on." - Taylor, age 31.

"We're all undressed, beside the fireplace. I think we're going to make love. He pulls out his backgammon set and asks me if I've ever played nude backgammon. Apparently, there's nothing like it." - Pam, age 25.

"Seth had no sex appeal. He was a sweet guy, so I kept on TRYING to be attracted to him. But the more I tried, the less I was. He bent over backward to please me, said he'd do anything I wanted. Which is part of the reason he had no sex appeal." - Kate, age 36.

"She emails me sexy messages to my office. My secretary howls, and passes them around." - Conrad, age 33.

"I'm taking a douche in his sink. All of a sudden, the sink comes out of the wall and crashes to the floor, with me in it. He and his roommate hear the crash and come charging in, saying: "What's wrong? What happened?" I'm lying on the floor with my pants around my ankles, my behind in what's left of the sink on the floor. Not to mention the water or the pipes." - Latisha, age 23.

"She passed gas and ran into the closet, hid behind the clothes, and refused to come out." - Harry, age 28.

"We're reading together in his room. His roommate and his girlfriend start making loud panting noises in the next room. Then they start groaning, moaning. She's screaming his name. Then she's just screaming. He said to ignore it; they weren't really having sex. They were just trying to encourage us to have it, to get us in the mood." - Laura, age 20.

"We went out to the country and parked along a river. The car got steamy, so she opened her window, and - instantly - 94,000 mosquitoes flew in. By the time she could roll it back up, the car was infested, and we both had bites from head to toe. I took off, driving like crazy, stark naked, opening the windows and hoping the air would push them out. She was screaming. I was swatting. I had bites on my butt, my eyelids, my mouth, places I don't want to talk about." - Randy, age 21.

"We'd made love and I was about to roll over and go to sleep when Ben got out of bed, knelt, and said his good-night prayers. I guess it was charming. But it sort of surprised me. I felt kind of out of place; I didn't know if I was supposed to join him, or what. I pretended to be asleep." - Charlene, age 31.

"The next morning, as I'm waking up, Mel asked me if I'd mind if he cross-dressed." - Mary Beth, age 28.

"Lying in bed, Lois asked me if I was rich. I told her I wasn't. She sighed and was quiet for a while. Then she said, "I guess it's all right. Rich guys are mostly jerks, anyhow." I was falling asleep when she spoke again, and asked whether I thought I *might* get rich, someday." - Keith, age 28.

"Bob and I waited a long time before we actually went to bed. Tension built up and I was nervous. Clumsy. My hands were clammy; I fumbled and got the zipper stuck on the fabric, and I got a hook caught. I bumped teeth with him, moved the wrong direction, had no rhythm, no coordination, no grace at all. He finally managed to get the deed done, but I was afraid it was so bad that he'd lost interest. I looked at him and he burst out laughing. Rolling. He laughed: "Well, Rachel, at least the first time is out of the way." Tears came out of his eyes." - Rachel, age 31.

"Anna is tiny. Petite. A pixie. But when she sleeps, she snores like a freight train. No, more like a charging rhino. It's sudden; the whole bed shakes. Hell, the whole HOUSE shakes. And then, it subsides gradually, so you drift off to sleep again, and then - bam! - here comes the rhino again. She has no idea. I asked her if she knew she snored. She got offended - I mean, seriously mad." - Brad, age 29.

"Stan said he wanted to brush my hair. I thought, How sweet. But he meant ALL my hair." - Adrian, age 22.

"Martha sleeps with a pile of pillows between our heads. She makes love with her head turned away, and tells me never ever to breathe on her face." - Jonathan, age 27.

"Trevor loved his dog; maybe I should feel complimented that he talked to us both in the same way: Sit. Lie down. Roll over. Come." - Liz, age 38.

"Quentin talks in his sleep. I don't mean grunting and mumbling. I mean he talks. He says bizarre things - sits up and announces a baseball game, play by play. Tells unseen drivers to get off the road. Answers me if I talk to him, and ALMOST makes sense. I'll ask him if he closed his car windows, if he wants me to set the alarm, or if he's still awake. He answers: "Yes, sure." I've asked if he actually has no idea what I'm saying because he's sound asleep, and he's said: "Yes, sure." When I'm staying over there and can't sleep, I talk to him. It's quite entertaining, and beats counting sheep." - Myra, age 32.

"Ed does not sleep. When I spend the night, it's awful. He tucks me in and sits at the computer for an hour or two, messes around in the kitchen, does his laundry, vacuums, watches TV. He says he needs only three or four hours of sleep a night, that he does his best work when others are sleeping. I, on the other hand, need three days to recover for every night I spend with him." - Clara, age 40.

"As he was about to come, William yelled in my ear: "Tally ho!" In falsetto." - Alexis, age 33.

"It was our first time together. I was nervous, and there was no chance I was going to have an orgasm. But Jeff wouldn't let himself until I did. It was a matter of pride. I told him that it was okay, that I'd be more relaxed next time - just go for it. But no. He's relentless. He works. He tries this. He does that. I'm dying, embarrassed... and the more he tries, the less chance there is of it happening. Meantime, the man is sweating. Sweat is literally raining onto me, into my eyes, my mouth - I'm drowning in it. I figure it's a matter of survival, so I scream, I shake, I tremble, I moan. He grins. He's real proud of himself, When it's over, he sighs and says he told me that he could do it... and never to doubt him again." - Paula, age 29.

"She wanted me to videotape us in bed. She got out her camera and tripod, and set everything up. This was fine with me until she laughed: "Someday, when you're famous, I'll be able to blackmail you." She swore she was joking, but that was the end of that." - Paul, age 27.

"He read an article about women faking orgasms, and bragged to our friends that no one's ever faked with him. He has no clue. I'm good. I'm real good." - Randie, age 28.

"I told Margaret I was gay. She said that was okay with her, as long as I took her out on Saturdays and pretended to her mother that we were going to get engaged." - Ed, age 34.

"Peter rolled off me, crying out in pain. Doubled over. He asked if there were sharp edges on my diaphragm; he said it felt like teeth were biting him. I wondered if he had a disease or a urinary problem, and made him see a doctor. When the doctor said nothing was physically wrong, Peter examined my diaphragm to make sure that it had no cutting edges. His doctor told him to see a shrink. I still don't get it. Peter had been married, has a child, yet he still seems convinced that women can have teeth in there." - Yasmine, age 29.

"Gordon admired my body parts and compared them to his. He sighed that he wished he had mine. "Look at your legs; they're so smooth. If only mine were like yours." He suggested I leave some makeup and lingerie at his place, so I wouldn't have to carry it with me on our next date. I asked him if he'd use it in the meantime. He just smiled." - Julie, age 31.

"He dyed his pubic hair. He said it looked better blond." - Jill, age 32.

"In bed, Carol whispered that she used to be Carl. She'd had the operation. She used to be a man. She asked if I could tell." - Bill, age 47.

"The man had shaved every hair off his body. From his eyebrows down, he was bald as a baby." - Jennifer, age 27.

"We were lying in bed, and Roland asked me if I'd ever done gerbils. I asked him what he meant. You've never seen a woman get into her pantyhose as fast as I did." - Emily, age 25.

"He asked about other men I'd been to bed with. Was he better? Bigger? Built as good? He wanted a report card. No, he wanted a spreadsheet, comparative data." - Charity, age 26.

"We went to her place. The bathroom counter was covered with four toothbrushes and a display of designer condoms. Courtesy supplies, she called them. Scary, I called them." - Adam, age 40.