I'll send you bologna to tell you it's over!

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

Travelin' Music

"After our first date, Lou followed me around like a stray puppy. He'd ask me out WEEKS in advance, and he'd ask me out again and again even if I'd turned him down thirty times in a row. It wasn't clear, after thirty-three turn-downs in a row, that the woman wasn't interested. Finally, I insisted that I wouldn't see him anymore - ever. He sent flowers and balloons, and hired an accordion player to serenade my condo." - Keara, age 32.

"Bob was too good to be true; he flattered me constantly. I thought he was in love with me. We went out every Saturday night for a month - until he slipped up and raved about a movie we'd seen the week before, except that I'd never seen it. Turns out he was dating six other women, one for every day of the week, doing a number on all of us. He asked me what I was so upset about because I had Saturday nights, which were prime time... the others would KILL for that spot!" - Sharon, age 39.

"We were at a party with a gypsy reading palms. The gypsy told her that she was soon going to meet the man of her dreams, and that she shouldn't get involved because it would lead to complications when he showed up. So she broke up with me, then and there." - Dave, age 32.

"Within the first five minutes, she told me that she could sense the possibility of having a relationship with her date. And the answer, in my case, was no. So she didn't want me to waste money and time on dinner; why didn't we just have a drink and say goodbye? I thanked her for her candor and suggested that, as long as we were economizing, we should also skip the drink." - Maury, age 34.

"I sent him ten pounds of bologna. I thought that spoke for itself." - Mona, age 28.

"See, I'd had such bad experiences with blind dates, that, when I saw that Sean wasn't a complete disaster, I was ecstatic. Jubilant. So jubilant that I went out with him for about two months before it sank in that we had absolutely nothing in common. If not for the initial relief following the dread of the blind date, I'd never have gone to COFFEE with him." - Pam, age 27.

"She told me she tips her doorman to give her signals when he calls to announce her dates. If he thinks the guy's bad news, he gives her a coded message like "Angela isn't back yet, is she?" or "Did Angie leave any messages for a gentleman caller?" Then she knows not to bother. But she told me I'd made the cut; the doorman must like me. The doorman was very protective of her. He called as soon as I got in the apartment to see how she was doing. They chatted. I cut out, suggested that she go out with the doorman." - Wayne, age 32.

"When I met him, I was driving my brother's '63 Mustang. It was the car he wanted, not me. It's all he could talk about. When he found out it wasn't mine, it was all over." - Brenda, age 25.

"He was so UGLY, I couldn't resist him. He had such rugged animal TEXTURE. But when push came to shove, I was afraid to get too serious. What if our kids looked like him?" - Sybil, age 27.

"I told her I didn't want to get involved, so I thought we should cool it for a while. She took it well, better than I thought she would. She didn't cry or even look depressed. She just wanted to know if, since I wasn't going to take her out anymore, would I mind fixing her up with one of my buddies - Joe especially, but if Joe wasn't interested, Matt would do." - Keith, age 26.

"Meg told me she used to drop her pants for every man who said she was cute. But, no more. Not with AIDS out there. She said she asks herself, "Is he worth the risk?" and that the answer is always, always, no. So that, basically, was that." - Harry, age 27.

"I was determined to be gentle about ending our relationship so I wouldn't hurt her too badly. I rehearsed for days. I was going to tell her it was my fault, not hers. That I had problems with commitment and didn't deserve a woman like her. That she was too good for me. I didn't want her to cry or fall apart. Finally, I called, and, before I could open my mouth, she said, "Look, Bill. I don't want to see you anymore. You've got problems with commitment. You don't deserve a woman like me. I'm too good for you." It didn't go as planned - it sounded different when she said it. So I told her a few things that bothered me about her as well. There was some shouting involved. I said more than I'd planned. All that rehearsing for nothing." - Bill, age 40.

"Sid and I broke up because he wanted me to wear high, over-the-knee patent leather boots, and I wouldn't. That was the last straw. He complained if I didn't wear makeup, and always felt free to critique my clothes. He asked me to change my outfit almost every time we went out. I finally told him I'd had enough. And, as long as we were on the subject, I informed him that his nose hairs hung out, and that most doorknobs had less glass than his pinkie ring." - Phyllis, age 46.

"I forgot about our date. She thought I'd stood her up. The next morning, I find twenty pounds of potatoes and zucchinis dumped in front of my door. I couldn't go out without stepping over a mountain of potatoes. I thought this was a great way to express herself. The best way anybody's ever used to tell me to get lost. I asked her out again, in fact. But she wouldn't go." - Peter, age 33.

"After dating Brad for six months, I told him that I wanted to get married. He told me that that was impossible, because he already was." - Yvonne, age 31.

"He liked blondes. I was a brunette. So I dyed my hair. He liked small noses; mine was big. I had it fixed. He liked skinny girls. I had a breast reduction and went on a diet. He didn't like condoms; I took the pill. He had no more excuses. I'd become his dream. He decided he likes short girls. I'm five foot nine." - Claire, age 30.

"I was nuts about Harvey, and made the mistake of telling him. He didn't call me for two years. When he called, he acted like no time had passed, as if we were still going together. He asked if I'd go away with him for the weekend. I didn't mention anything about his behavior, our relationship, or my new boyfriend. I just asked him if I could bring the baby. I could actually hear him gulp. He started stuttering, and pretended he had to take another call. I don't actually HAVE a baby, but he doesn't know that." - Sydney, age 31.

"Joe left a message on my voicemail, telling me I should check myself for crabs. That was the last I heard from him. He didn't dare call again." - Wendy, age 24.

"The only thing he saw in me was that I couldn't care less about him. I never even thought about him; that drove him nuts. When he called, I never recognized his voice; he found that captivating. He said that there was something irresistible about a woman who didn't give a hoot. I said that was crazy and I wouldn't see him anymore; he asked if I'd move in with him." - Abbey, age 33.

"We were having supper at her place and who drops by but her ex. He's annoyed about something she said to somebody, and they start arguing. I finish my drink. I finish hers. I have another. They don't notice me. It's like I'm invisible. I doze on the sofa, watch some TV. They're standing behind me, yelling about who paid for the television. I got myself a beer for the road, and they were still at it when I let myself out." - Kenneth, age 30.

"He didn't want a confrontation, so he left me a note on my windshield. It told me not to be upset; there were plenty of fish in the sea. So I went to the fish store, wrapped a red ribbon around a dead trout, and had a kid from work deliver it to his office with a note telling him to enjoy. He loved it, and called to thank me. He thought it was serious, a friendly way to end. He didn't get it." - Evelyn, age 31.

"Terri sent me a CD of Christian rock songs with a note telling me she hoped I'd see the light and find Jesus. She said otherwise she'd miss me, since I was going to go to hell." - Clay, age 26.

"After our second date, James told me that he was actually bisexual, and since I wasn't interested in my ex-husband anymore, would I mind if he called him?" - Autumn, age 38.

"Max approached me at a friend's party, saying: "This may sound crazy, but I feel as if I already know you. It's as if I'm going to marry you." It did sound crazy, but I spent the evening with him. We stayed out until three, and when he took me home, he proposed. I told him we'd sleep on it. Max stayed on my sofa. When I woke up the next morning, I found no Max, just a note from my roommate. She said she hoped I'd understand, but she'd run off with him. Seems Max told her that he felt as if he already knew her, as if he was going to marry her." - Lorene, age 41.

"When we broke up, we were both ready to split. But he had to act like it was all HIS decision. He said, "Sorry, babe. You just don't knock my socks off." Well, maybe not his socks, but I'd certainly done a number on the rest of his clothes." - Debbie, age 27.

"He showed up on my doorstep the morning after our first date. He said: "Don't take this the wrong way, but going out with you showed me that I really want to be with my ex." Not that anything was wrong with me, mind you, just that our date made him realize how much he missed her. He said, "I don't want you to be waiting for me to call, and wondering what happened." He thanked me, kissed me, gave me a box of chocolates. What a charming guy." - Beth, age 37.