Kisses with a pierced tongue?!

I got ready for NOTHING tonight, I see. Eric apparently forgot to call and say he was sick... hmm. *shifty eyes* That better not be a cover for "I'm actually with someone else right now..." UGH!

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

The Kiss

"A kiss is a promise. It's a hint of what's to come. It's also how I decide if anything IS to come." - Tyler, age 25.

"Mike was afraid to kiss me goodnight. He stood at my door, shifting from foot to foot, saying that he had to go home. I tried to make it easy; I tilted my head up, stepped closer to him, parted my lips. Nothing. Finally, when my head hurt from tilting, I gave up. Just as I backed away, he lunged and dove to kiss me - and missed, knocking me backward into the wall. It was like dating Clouseau." - Celia, age 59.

"When you're out with a woman, sooner or later, there's this silence. The pause. This eye contact. That's when it's time to make a move. Gloria stared into my eyes, searching. The silence grew. I leaned forward to kiss her, and she said that there was a glob of something in my eyelid, and asked if I had a cold." - Dave, age 37.

"Griffin declared that with AIDS and all, it was necessary to be completely open. Then he proceeded to tell me his entire sexual history. But after I heard the details of all his exploits, I didn't want to go out with him anymore. Hell, I didn't even want him to sit on my sofa." - Jean, age 34.

"I couldn't get between her and Puffy, her cat. We went into the den to watch a tape. I sat on the sofa next to her, put my arm around her. She snuggled Puffy." - John, age 32.

"He licked his lips before each kiss. We're about to kiss and he licks his lips. It was snake-like, reptilian. Also wet. I backed up. Kiss aborted. Impulse lost." - Suzanne, age 32.

"Allen told me that he was a v-v-virgin and that he only s-s-s-stut-t-t-ered wh-when he was t-t-turned on by somebody. He d-d-d-didn't th-think he c-c-could go on if he couldn't get s-s-someone to s-s-s-sleep with him. I told him it was a good t-t-try but, as far as I know, he's still stuttering." - Jen, age 30.

"He talked about women's hands, how much he appreciated long manicured nails and graceful slender fingers. How they enchanted him. How certain women wove sexual spells with their fingertips. How good hands turned him on. I sat on mine till my fingers got numb. When my drink came, I was afraid to reach for it." - Judie, age 34.

"The woman purred. I mean the way a lion purrs after it's eaten an elk. Dangerous." - Leroy, age 33.

"Under the stars, I tilted my head, parted my lips, and closed my eyes, anticipating our first kiss. He planted his top teeth right below my nose, his bottom teeth on my chin, and dug them into my skin. At the same time, he jabbed at me with his tongue. I pulled away, and there was an embarrassed silence. Then he apologized for not being a good kisser since his tongue wasn't long enough." - Amy, age 23.

"He used breath spray before kissing me. And afterward, as he left my apartment. And in between kisses, whenever he could sneak a spritz, like every five seconds." - Tina, age 28.

"Dave loved his looks. Every chance he got, he admired himself in a window or a mirror. When we kissed, he tried to position himself near a mirror so he could watch." - Donna, age 29.

"She punctuated each kiss with a loud, wet smack. Mmmwchwaaa. The way my grandmother kisses me." - Miles, age 24.

"Moaning was her thing. Who knows why; certainly it had nothing to do with the level of our activity. The minute we made body contact, she'd moan. She was loud, and like a horn. I mean, I thought volunteer firemen might go running to the station." - Mitch, age 31.

"When I looked in the mirror the next morning, I had a hickey the size of a golf ball. It took about a month to go away. I was afraid she'd marked me for life." - Bob, age 24.

"In the middle of a movie, Cathy leaned over and started licking my face, like I was an ice cream cone. I turned to look at her, and she started licking my lips. My face was covered with spit." - Hank, age 24.

"Cassy kissed with food in her mouth. Like, she couldn't take the time to swallow; she had to kiss while still chewing. This didn't work for me, but it wouldn't have been so bad if she'd been eating something good. But secondhand tuna didn't work at all." - Jeff, age 31.

"She wanted to kiss big in public. And she had to be linked to me, attached like a tick. Her arm was intertwined with mine the whole night. She wrapped herself around me. If I moved, she moved. If she didn't want to move, I couldn't." - Beau, age 23.

"JoEllen was nice, but she pierced her tongue. I found that difficult to kiss with. And I didn't think I had the right to ask her to remove the metal first." - T.J., age 23.

"Sunny automatically French kissed. I thought it was premature; I don't think you should French without an engraved invitation. But she pried my lips open with her tongue and forged ahead, relentless." - Matt, age 32.

"Her earlobes were lined with studs. It made them hard to nibble. Who wants to suck barbed wire?" - Seth, age 24.

"When I kissed Donny, I smelled food. His mustache kept an aromatic record of what he'd eaten that day. All I could think of was barbecued pork." - Dusty, age 33.

"Steve had a big, bushy mustache. He also had sinus problems or allergies, was blowing his nose the whole night. Then he wanted to kiss. All I could think of was the germs in his mustache." - Julia, age 43.

"Penny was not timid with her tongue. She cleaned out my esophagus. Stole my half lunch. I mean, she had me nailed." - Derek, age 23.

"She had a bad cold, maybe coming down with the flu. Then she expected me to kiss her. I walked her to her door, and she lifted her face and puckered up, waiting. I had no choice but to kiss her. Besides, shaking hands might have been worse: they say hand-to-hand is the way most germs are spread." - Jamal, age 24.

"Letisha keeps her eyes open the whole time. She stares. It's weird." - Eric, age 24.

"It was like she was imitating some movie, some soap opera, doing lavish French kissing and impressive moaning and groaning, fancy moves. I just wanted some simple, basic lip-to-lip. But I got this stage performance." - Ron, age 32.

"Penny chews gum while she kisses. I stole it from her, and she got furious with me." - Peter, age 39.

"Charlene made kissing into a chase. Her mouth traveled. I kept trying to catch up with her, but she was always ahead of me. Her mouth was on my cheek, I turned my head; too late - she was on my neck. I scrunched down; she landed on my ear." - Bill, age 34.

"She put so much pressure on her lips that I needed to ice my mouth when I got home. I mean, she has some strength there - must exercise those suckers." - Dwayne, age 27.

"I didn't realize there are some lipsticks that just don't rub off. I'll never hear the end of the day I went back to the office after lunch with Reggie." - Bud, age 36.