You're shutting me out if you close your mouth before I do!

This thing JUST restarted - UGH! I hope I can get stuff DONE today...

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

The Kiss

"Tilly saw kissing as just another arena for expressing feminist theories or demanding equal rights. She wanted to lead. She wanted to dominate. She pushed me around like a subordinate at work. Not for me. I want to get primal. I want to be a caveman." - Rich, age 34.

"We're out and she's kissing everyone we see. Like it's a group thing. Each familiar face, each "Hi, how are you?" required a kiss. Every "So long." After a while, her kisses seemed easy. She cheapened the whole kissing event. When I took her home, I shook hands." - Garret, age 23.

"I think Roland was trying to wash my tonsils with his tongue." - Sally, age 27.

"Marilyn would not kiss me until she showered, put on makeup, and did her hair. Then she didn't want me to mess her up." - Tony, age 27.

"She wore so much makeup that I was afraid to touch her. Like if I kissed her, my lips might sink into it; I might drown like in quicksand. Or I might get stuck to her, like a bug on flypaper." - Chaz, age 25.

"We were kissing and suddenly he got all upset. Turns out I'd closed my mouth before he did. He said it was like I'd shut him out. Rejected him. I'm serious." - Dianne, age 31.

"She messed with my hair. I don't mind a woman touching, fondling, or caressing me. That's fine. But don't mess with my hair." - George, age 40.

"Donald gave me directions. He told me what to do, how to kiss, what to touch, where to put my hands. He was very exact in what he wanted. When we kissed, he stopped me in the middle and said, with exhausted patience, "No, not like that. THIS way." He demonstrated, gave me verbal instructions, and arranged my limbs. He pushed my lips into position and scolded me that I'd done it wrong. Apparently, I needed to act like I MEANT it." - Patricia, age 34.

"My old girlfriend told me that it turned her on if I sucked her fingertips. So, during the movie, I picked up Joyce's hand and started on her pointer. She screamed, "EW! What the hell are you doing?!" The whole theatre turned and stared." - Leroy, age 23.

"Sybil's mouth tasted like an ashtray. Forget it." - Hank, age 25.

"I liked Ted and couldn't wait to get close to him. I mean, until we kissed. It was a lip jab. Like a chicken peck. His head moved forward and popped back, and the long-awaited kiss was over before I could respond - hell, before I could blink." - Christie, age 22.

"She wouldn't kiss me unless we were outside. The park, the beach - she said she liked the fresh air and the sky. The feeling of nature." - Paul, age 29.

"Paul told me that in the Middle Ages, the more you revered someone, the lower the part of them you kissed. Then he got down on the ground and kissed my boots." - Eleanor, age 44.

"Rita and I were kissing in the car. I ran my hands up her face, down through her hair. She suddenly pulled away and her hair came off in my hand. Of course, I realized it was a wig. But by then, I'd already screamed and pissed her off." - Don, age 52.

"Alan covered both my lips with his mouth and sucked. I ended up with swollen lips, permanently puckered." - Sarah, age 22.

"I like pretty feet. I don't want to get involved with anyone whose feet are unattractive, so before we get physical, I always ask them to take their shoes off. Then I take it from there, depending." - Tom, age 29.

"I was nervous and felt awkward. I turned to scratch my nose and his kiss landed on my eye." - Iris, age 47.

"Fran positioned herself to make kissing awkward, if not impossible. I had to maneuver around elbows and shoulders, or somehow shift my weight around to get close to her face. Finally, I realized it wasn't going to happen. She had no sense of body alignment, poor kid." - Roland, age 33.

"Lisa was full of contradictions. She offered to pick up the tab, which meant she didn't necessarily want me to kiss her. But then she let me pay, which meant maybe she did. Then she talked about other men, old boyfriends and such, so I guessed she didn't. You have to pay attention to women's signals, know when to move, when not to." - Mark, age 32.

"Wade mashed my lips between his teeth. I had to close my mouth, or our teeth would have ground together." - Lila, age 33.

"I thought he was a babe, and I was falling fast. I mean, I was steamed. But when we said goodnight, he kissed my forehead. My forehead! Like I was his ten-year-old sister." - Jacquie, age 20.

"My girlfriend asked me to give her a foot rub, then she got mad that I gave her a foot rub. Turns out what she MEANS when she says she wants a foot rub is that she wants me to kiss her - which, of course, any fool should know." - Paul, age 27.

"John gave me an Eskimo kiss. Seriously. He said it was flu season, and he didn't want to catch a cold." - Joyce, age 19.

"Marsha believes that kissing is the only way to break tension between a man and a woman. So every time I'd get angry, she'd start kissing me, which made me madder. Which made her kiss me more until, sometimes, I'd forget what I was mad about - which made me REALLY mad." - Ed, age 27.

"I'd slipped my hand under her sweater, and suddenly a flashbulb goes off, right in my face. Her little brother pops out from behind the easy chair with his camera and, as my date is strangling him, offers to sell me the negatives. That kid's gonna go somewhere. He'll be somebody, if he lives long enough." - Len, age 21.

"I really liked Heather, but no matter how we positioned ourselves, our noses were in the way. It just wasn't meant to be." - Wesley, age 27.

"It was a perfect day at the shore - the perfect place. She was the perfect girl. I was waiting for the perfect moment to give her a perfect kiss. The sun was setting. Her hair was blowing in the breeze. The waves caressed the shore. I took her hand. And suddenly, a bunch of her friends appeared out of nowhere. Boom - we were in the middle of a party. The perfect moment was gone. I'd waited too long. My perfect kiss was gone forever. But I learned from it; that experience became a metaphor for life." - Bob, age 24.

"Jerry is a foot taller than I am, so in order to kiss him, I had to tilt my head back at a 45° angle. On one of our first dates, I got a soft tissue injury, something like whiplash, from kissing him goodnight." - Cissy, age 20.

"On all four of our dates, Charles always kissed the air in front of my mouth. He never made contact - he stayed about a tenth of an inch away. I tried to lean forward, but he dodged." - Heather, age 40.

"He wouldn't let me watch the movie. Every two seconds, he was trying to make out with me. I shoved some popcorn into his mouth. He started rubbing his upper arm against me, breathing into my neck. I leaned so far the other way that I was almost in the lap of the lady next to me." - Amy, age 24.

"Joe kissed like he was eating an ear of corn. Short little nibbles, moving across my face to my ear. Then down to my neck and across to my throat. And back up and across again." - Cathy, age 34.

"Sean refused to believe that I'm a natural blond, and dared me to prove it. That was about as romantic as he got." - Anna, age 33.

"I took Stephanie to a party. We mixed and wandered on our own. When I wanted to get going. I walked up behind her, put my arms around her, and whirled her around into a big passionate kiss. Only it wasn't Stephanie. It was a woman I'd never seen before. From behind, she looked just like Stephanie, I swear. Same hair, same height. Both wearing black. Really, it could have happened to anybody. But this lady wasn't amused. And neither was Stephanie." - Josh, age 27.

"I heard the toilet flush. The door immediately opened, and he came right out of the john. The water hadn't run. He ate cheese and crackers. Touched my back, tried to hold my hand. Wanted to make out. And all I could think of was that he'd gone to the bathroom and hadn't washed his hands." - Cora, age 45.

"Ellen moved close to me and stared up into my face with this focused, intense look. I thought, she's going to make a pass at me. Then she asked whether I'd mind if she squeezed a blackhead." - Bill, age 23.

"We were on his sofa, watching TV. He nibbled my ear and then yelled at the news anchor for saying something stupid. He nearly blew my brains out." - Faye, age 24.

"I met Wanda at a singles bar. She was really forward and seemed to be really taken by me. I bought her a drink and asked her to dinner. She leans over, touches me a lot. Snuggles right up. After a while, I go to the men's room. When I come back, no Wanda. I reach into my pocket for some cash, but no wallet. I'd been had. Scammed. Taken for a ride. But I learned my lesson: Never take a wallet into a singles bar. Now, if I go, I carry my money in my socks." - Leroy, age 23.

"When he dropped me off, he claimed to have a nosebleed and asked if he could come into my apartment to stop it. He came out of the bathroom with a wad of toilet paper shoved up his nose. Then he tried to kiss me." - Shannon, age 24.

"I'd wanted to go out with Phoebe for years, literally, but one of us had always been involved when the other was free. Even so, for some reason, I always thought we'd end up together. Finally, after maybe nine years, we were both unattached. I thought this was It. I asked her out. But when I got the chance to kiss her, nothing happened. I mean, nothing. She put her lips up and we kissed. Nothing. There was no spark. No chemistry. No electricity. Years of waiting, thinking I'd marry her, and thud. Nothing. Kiss of death." - Ron, age 30.