Creating fire inside the microwave! / How dare you ransack my bathroom?!

I just accidentally tried microwaving foil from the BP garlic bread bag. Thank goodness the microwave emitted annoying noises that I couldn't stand anymore after about ten seconds! Creating fire is probably not something I should attempt to do, accident or not.

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

Undercover Investigations

"Gary had so much sex appeal that I was unable to think of anything but sex in his presence. My brain was muddled. I couldn't talk, focus, or think. My only hope was to get it over with and have sex with him. Once the sex was over, I could be normal again. For a while, anyway." - Jane, age 23.

"It was the first time we went to bed together. I took off my clothes and lay down on the bed. He lay down beside me and whispered, "You're so beautiful." I glowed, basking in his appreciation. Then he continued, "You have the body of a twelve-year-old boy." " - Helene, age 31.

"We were in bed, his place, first time. I reached my hand under the pillow, and guess what? He still sleeps with his little blue blankie." - Paula, age 26.

"When I first reached my hand into Ron's pants, I found a sock. The man had wrapped his penis in a sock. What? To keep it warm? To make his pants bulge? To cradle it? To soak up stuff in case it leaked? What?" - Carolyn, age 24.

"For weeks, I'd been moving in on Darlene, and I mean she had some body. But when I finally got my hand inside her blouse, I got a fistful of cotton. I was a little mad; I felt she'd been dishonest with me. Set up false expectations." - Daryl, age 24.

"Her bedroom shelves were lined with X-rated magazines and sex toys: handcuffs, dildos, some halter-type things with chains attached. I didn't know what half the stuff was. Didn't wait to find out." - Hector, age 23.

"She apologized that she was technically a virgin and intended to stay that way until she got married. I was thinking, Oh no... I don't want to mess with her if she's so innocent. Then she took over and did things to my body that no woman had ever done. But she's still a virgin. Technically." - Chris, age 24.

"He moved closer to me and whispered, "I've never been to bed with a black woman before." As far as I know, he still hasn't." - Jade, age 28.

"We're going to bed for the first time, and he whispers in my ear: "I don't prefer intercourse." What does that mean? I'm thinking, He likes bondage? Strangulation? What? The first time, you never know what you're getting into, who the guy is. I'm thinking maybe he's a serial killer, that he "prefers" murder. I'm trying to figure out how to get away, or how to grab the phone to dial 911 when he continues. Turns out he likes oral sex." - Stacey, age 23.

"First date, dinner at his place - a studio apartment. There were about a couple dozen condom wrappers in the wastebasket. Not that I counted them. But, having seen that, trust me, I wasn't inclined to add any more trash to the pile." - Andrea, age 26.

"Not even 6 AM, we're in the act, and his phone rings. It's a business call from some guy who has a meeting later that day. Paul takes the call, talks about faxes and reports, and cites statistics without losing his rhythm or pausing for a beat. I guess business really turns him on." - Ginger, age 36.

"When he left the next morning, I went into my bathroom to take a shower. It looked like Attila the Hun had just ransacked it, a tornado swept through it, a bomb had gone off in it. I'm not talking about the toilet seat being up. I'm talking about water everywhere - or other liquids. On the toilet seat, all over the countertops. Soaking towels and washcloths all over the floor, hair in the soap, stubble and spit-out toothpaste in the sink. And the worst part is that he used my razor and my TOOTHBRUSH. They were lying on the counter in a puddle of soggy tissues." - Naomi, age 27.

"After we'd made love, James thanked me and said he'd been afraid he might be gay. He hadn't been with a woman in two years, and then it had been awful. Lately, a gay guy had been hitting on him and he needed to find out for sure if he was straight or not. He thanked me profusely for helping him figure it out. But, come to think of it, he didn't tell me WHAT he'd figured out." - Sunny, age 23.

"Dottie had tattoos all over her body - well, all over the part that didn't show when she was dressed." - C.J., age 23.

"Lying next to me in bed, she bragged that she'd had just about everything tailored. What did I think of her breasts - didn't they seem natural? And her tummy, and her thighs? She suggested I call the guy, to get the bags removed from under my eyes." - Keith, age 48.

"There was nothing about this woman that was original. I mean, her body was a testament to the wonders of modern science. Still, you had to wonder what the kids would look like if you got serious." - Jake, age 28.

"She explained that she only went to bed with younger men, and that she was only interested in a sexual relationship. She'd only go with men between the ages of 19 and 30, at the peak of their sexuality. She wanted beef. For companionship and conversation, she'd rather hang out with her woman friends." - Marty, age 22.

"Ed slept in a nightgown. It wasn't lacy or anything like that. It was flannel. And only to mid-calf. But still." - Ellen, age 32.

"Julie's mother called while we were in bed. She not only answered the phone, she talked to her mother while we were in the act. And she managed both activities quite well. It was a little disappointing, though, to hear her tell her mom that nothing was new and she wasn't doing anything special." - Walter, age 28.

"Doug worried about his body. Was his stomach flat enough? Was his back too hairy? What about his abs? How did he compare to other men I'd been with?" - Greta, age 35.

"Rita wasn't just passive. I had to wonder if she was dead, or just waiting for it to be over. I didn't worry that I was keeping her awake - I wasn't." - Moe, age 34.

"John never took his socks off. Ever. Well, maybe when he was alone. He must have in the shower. But, in my presence, he refused to bare his feet, even when everything else was swinging in the breeze. He said they got cold. But I wonder: Does he have six toes? Webbed feet? Foot fungus? What?" - Doreen, age 29.

"Mitch told me that he had a low sperm count, so I didn't have to worry about getting pregnant. He was very proud of the fact that, without using birth control. none of his forty or so former girlfriends had ever gotten pregnant. That was about it for our sexual relationship." - Jennifer, age 28.

"Let's just say that there were things he wouldn't do. In fact, if the man could have found a pair of rubber gloves, he would have worn them to bed." - Taiesha, age 28.

"He breathed in my ear that he'd like to kiss anything that bends, that he liked the feeling of flesh closing around his mouth. He asked if he could nibble the inside of my elbows, kiss my wrists. When I told him to get away from my armpits, he smiled and asked if maybe he could travel down behind my knee?" - Gwen, age 29.

"As we were in the act, Roy asked if I'd ever had sex using food. He said he'd been to the farmer's market and had great veggies. He seemed disappointed when I turned him down." - Lois, age 43.

"After we made love, he told me that he was relieved because he hadn't had sex with a woman before. What did that mean? That his other partners had been males? Animals? Inflatables? What?" - Helene, age 37.

"When he asked me out the third time, Doug said, "You know what I'm REALLY asking, don't you? I mean, this will be our third date. And you know what THAT means." I suspected that I did, but I didn't want to, and I made sure that I never would." - Tobi, age 31.

"We're in the act. The first time. Suddenly, just as I'm about to come, he rolls off me and says, "No. This shouldn't be happening. In fact, it isn't happening. Neither one of us had an orgasm, so it's like it never existed." And he bounces out of bed, gets dressed, leaves me lying there on the verge. I was ready to kill him. When he gets home, he calls and says if I'll give him another chance, this time he won't take advantage of me. I'm wondering what's going on? Hello?" - Serena, age 30.

"She has animals - a cat, a dog. The cat sleeps on her pillow, the dog on her feet. There's no room, really, for me. I tried to carve out a spot, but it was scary. They're very territorial." - Eric, age 27.

"He called it Edgar, like it was a different person, and he wasn't responsible for it in any way. "Edgar wants to talk to you." He'd wake me up and say, "I didn't do it - it was Edgar." It was cute at first, but then it got pretty schizy." - Antoinette, age 30.

"When I asked him to stay over, Robert told me that he didn't do sex, that he'd personally overcome his sexual drives and achieved a higher plane. He hoped we could attain a pure, clean relationship at that level." - Connie, age 46.

"Her dog watched us when we made love. Like a jealous boyfriend. It was more than a little inhibiting." - Derek, age 37.

"Jim was sound asleep, snoring on my sofa - until he missed the last train home. Then he was suddenly wide awake, frisky as a pup. And horny as a ram. I told him to stay on the sofa, and I had to lock my bedroom door. He told me I was cruel. When I got up in the morning, he was lying under a sheet, showing me how it resembled a tent, held up by a stake in the middle." - Kimberly, age 30.

"It was not an excellent indicator when, right before we went to bed for the first time, he said: "It's not the size, right? It's what you do with it. Right?" " - Laurie, age 29.

"All of a sudden, Andrew screamed - this piercing, pained shriek, right in my ear. I thought someone had stabbed hi, or maybe he was having an attack of some kind. Turned out it was just a climax. But I was afraid to go to bed with him again. I didn't want to shatter an eardrum." - Caryn, age 25.

"Donna and her girlfriend had some kind of phone signals when they went on dates. So, starting about 10, the friend started calling to make sure Donna was okay, and she called every fifteen minutes. Donna didn't answer because we were busy in bed. After the fourth or fifth call, the friend panicked and rushed over to Donna's, using a spare key. She and two of their pals came flying into the room. There we are, butt naked. They started screaming. Donna started screaming. Scared the living hell out of me." - Dave, age 27.

"Eugene explained that he believed that romantic love could only be achieved through celibacy. He asked if I'd meditate with him to achieve spiritual unity." - Joellyn, age 32.

"Kyle kept pawing me anyplace we were in public. Like he was telling the world, "Look what I'VE got." He wanted to make love in parking lots, movies, the public library. When we were alone, he didn't touch me." - Sally, age 24.

"Bob told me that doing it in his car made him feel like he was back in high school. It gave him that excitement of doing something naughty and dangerous. So there we were: oldies on the radio, the steering wheel in my ribs. Just like in high school. And the cops came. They busted us, just like in high school." - Wendy, age 25.