Doozies of excuses from the #15 Bathroom Reader
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DONALD.. hope you have a good one! :) I remember when you were four or five years old, and would always call me "turkey".. I really hope you and your family found a church home that was closer to Pitt Meadows than Vancouver was.
Here are some stories of people who came up with some doozies of excuses when caught red-handed doing things they shouldn't. It's probably better just to fess up and take your lumps.. these people would have done well to follow Uncle John's advice. (yes, this is something I found in Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (#15).. these books are lifesavers, I tell ya! :P)
Posted in LJ / GJ on April 19, 2006.
SCOOBY-DOOFUS
In August 1996 in Tampa (Florida), police arrested Robert Meier and charged him with credit fraud for marrying his comatose girlfriend only hours before she died.. so he could rack up more than $20,000 in charges on her credit cards. Meier's excuse: It was his girlfriend's dog's fault.
According to a police spokesperson, "He said the dog told him she would want him to have a better life, so it would be OK to use her credit cards."
WHO'S KIDDING WHO?
In February 1997, Cathleen Byers (former manager of the Oregon Urban Royal Credit Union) was arrested for embezzlement. Was she guilty? Byers admitted stealing $630,000 over six years, but claimed that she wasn't really guilty because she suffers from multiple personality disorder. One of her other personalities -- Ava, Joy, Elizabeth, Tillie, Claudia, C.J., Katy, Roman, Cookie, Mariah, Frogger, Chrissy, or Colleen -- must have done it without her knowledge. An expert testified that whichever alter-personality took the money didn't know right from wrong, and that Byers wasn't even aware of what her alter-self was up to. The judge didn't buy it, saying that Byers "should have been clued in by the new house and the luxury cars."
DRIVEN TO DRINK
After only one month on the job, Calgary (Alberta) school bus driver Marvin Franks was arrested for driving his bus while under the influence of alcohol. Police pulled Franks' bus over and administered a breath test after a terrified student called 911 using her cell phone. The bus driver was found to have a blood-alcohol level three times the legal limit. In an interview with the Calgary Sun, Franks admitted to having two beers before starting his route, on top of being a bit hungover from drinking the night before. But he blamed his drinking on job stress, which he blamed on the kids he drives to school. "If you had those kids on your bus, you'd drink too," he explained.
LOUNGE LIZARD
In March 2002, 47-year-old Susan Wallace (who's a former British Airways flight attendant) was convicted of animal cruelty after she threw Igwig (her three-foot-long iguana) at a doorman and then later at a policeman following an altercation at a pub. Wallace maintains that she is innocent because Igwig acted of his own volition. "He probably jumped in defense of me. He's done that before," she said. (Igwig is now banned from the pub.)
STRAIGHT SHOOTER
In May 2001, David Duyst who's of Grand Rapids (Michigan) was convicted of murdering his wife.. and was then sentenced to life without parole. Yet to this day, Duyst insists that he's not guilty.. despite a mountain of forensic evidence against him. So how'd she die? According to Duyst, she committed suicide by shooting herself.. twice, in the back of her head.
SIDE ORDER OF COMPASSION, PLEASE
In October 2001, professional boxer Waxxem Fikes, 35, served five days in an Akron (Ohio) jail after assaulting a waiter at the Swenson's restaurant. According to testimony, Fikes was "aggressively complaining" that the onions on his double cheeseburger were unsatisfactory. "I told him that I expect the onions to be crisp, tender, and succulent.. and bursting with flavor," Fikes testified. "They were not. My hands are lethal weapons or whatever, I know that. But he had no compassion for what I was talking about."
BODY OF EVIDENCE
In March 2001, a woman in Munich, Germany, saw a neighbor carrying a dead body into his apartment. She called the police. When the suspect answered the door in a "very surprised and disturbed state," officers thought for sure they had a murderer on their hands. Not quite. As the embarrassed man explained, the "dead body" was actually a life-sized silicon doll that he'd just bought at an adult bookstore.
Here are some stories of people who came up with some doozies of excuses when caught red-handed doing things they shouldn't. It's probably better just to fess up and take your lumps.. these people would have done well to follow Uncle John's advice. (yes, this is something I found in Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (#15).. these books are lifesavers, I tell ya! :P)
Posted in LJ / GJ on April 19, 2006.
SCOOBY-DOOFUS
In August 1996 in Tampa (Florida), police arrested Robert Meier and charged him with credit fraud for marrying his comatose girlfriend only hours before she died.. so he could rack up more than $20,000 in charges on her credit cards. Meier's excuse: It was his girlfriend's dog's fault.
According to a police spokesperson, "He said the dog told him she would want him to have a better life, so it would be OK to use her credit cards."
WHO'S KIDDING WHO?
In February 1997, Cathleen Byers (former manager of the Oregon Urban Royal Credit Union) was arrested for embezzlement. Was she guilty? Byers admitted stealing $630,000 over six years, but claimed that she wasn't really guilty because she suffers from multiple personality disorder. One of her other personalities -- Ava, Joy, Elizabeth, Tillie, Claudia, C.J., Katy, Roman, Cookie, Mariah, Frogger, Chrissy, or Colleen -- must have done it without her knowledge. An expert testified that whichever alter-personality took the money didn't know right from wrong, and that Byers wasn't even aware of what her alter-self was up to. The judge didn't buy it, saying that Byers "should have been clued in by the new house and the luxury cars."
DRIVEN TO DRINK
After only one month on the job, Calgary (Alberta) school bus driver Marvin Franks was arrested for driving his bus while under the influence of alcohol. Police pulled Franks' bus over and administered a breath test after a terrified student called 911 using her cell phone. The bus driver was found to have a blood-alcohol level three times the legal limit. In an interview with the Calgary Sun, Franks admitted to having two beers before starting his route, on top of being a bit hungover from drinking the night before. But he blamed his drinking on job stress, which he blamed on the kids he drives to school. "If you had those kids on your bus, you'd drink too," he explained.
LOUNGE LIZARD
In March 2002, 47-year-old Susan Wallace (who's a former British Airways flight attendant) was convicted of animal cruelty after she threw Igwig (her three-foot-long iguana) at a doorman and then later at a policeman following an altercation at a pub. Wallace maintains that she is innocent because Igwig acted of his own volition. "He probably jumped in defense of me. He's done that before," she said. (Igwig is now banned from the pub.)
STRAIGHT SHOOTER
In May 2001, David Duyst who's of Grand Rapids (Michigan) was convicted of murdering his wife.. and was then sentenced to life without parole. Yet to this day, Duyst insists that he's not guilty.. despite a mountain of forensic evidence against him. So how'd she die? According to Duyst, she committed suicide by shooting herself.. twice, in the back of her head.
SIDE ORDER OF COMPASSION, PLEASE
In October 2001, professional boxer Waxxem Fikes, 35, served five days in an Akron (Ohio) jail after assaulting a waiter at the Swenson's restaurant. According to testimony, Fikes was "aggressively complaining" that the onions on his double cheeseburger were unsatisfactory. "I told him that I expect the onions to be crisp, tender, and succulent.. and bursting with flavor," Fikes testified. "They were not. My hands are lethal weapons or whatever, I know that. But he had no compassion for what I was talking about."
BODY OF EVIDENCE
In March 2001, a woman in Munich, Germany, saw a neighbor carrying a dead body into his apartment. She called the police. When the suspect answered the door in a "very surprised and disturbed state," officers thought for sure they had a murderer on their hands. Not quite. As the embarrassed man explained, the "dead body" was actually a life-sized silicon doll that he'd just bought at an adult bookstore.
Labels: 1996, 1997, 2001, 2002, 2006, alcoholic drinks, amusement, bannings, bathroom readers, birthdays, church, david, death, elizabeth, katie, murder, news, susan
posted by Flami at 9:17:00 PM
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