If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.

Jack Bauer Facts!

I'll post these in parts of about 100 each, haha.

1. Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
2. Jack Bauer can keep a person trapped in a phone booth for hours with his voice alone.
3. Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.
4. Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season.
5. A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.
6. Jack Bauer once got Mad Cow and Bird Flu at the same time. It was the most relaxing fifteen minutes of his day.
7. Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
8. When Jack Bauer pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
9. Nothing can get in between Jack f*cking Bauer. Except for the word "f*cking."
10. There are worse things in life than death. Jack Bauer can do all of them.
11. Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper, nor scissors.
12. A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.
13. Jack Bauer casts a shadow so big, most of the world just calls it "night."
14. Jack Bauer doesn't need to give anyone presents, the fact that they're alive is gift enough.
15. Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap. Jack Bauer has morals.
16. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case, the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
17. A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer would not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him.
18. Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
19. Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper. He uses terrorists.
20. If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so f*cking long.
21. There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer's daughter. Don't.
22. By seizing Jack Bauer, China has jumped to #1 in the world for the quality of weaponry available in inventory.
23. Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
24. Jack's execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa.
25. Every time Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
26. There are two things you can always count on: Death and Jack Bauer causing it.
27. Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0... he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi, and the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices.
28. Jack Bauer does a great Kiefer Sutherland impersonation.
29. Many beautiful women ask Jack Bauer to sleep with them on a daily basis, but he always refuses. Is it because he's gay? No, it's because Jack Bauer doesn't f*cking sleep.
30. Every time Jack Bauer says "Son of a b*tch," a new CTU agent is born.
31. If you park your car illegally in a handicapped space and Jack Bauer catches you, you won't ever have to park illegally again.
32. Kim is proof that "it skips a generation."
33. Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.
34. They say little girls want to marry men that remind them of their fathers... poor Kim. There will never be another Jack Bauer, not even close.
35. China is now the number one importer of weapons of mass destruction: Jack Bauer.
36. If Jack Bauer smoked marijuana, it would be legal.
37. Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
38. The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.
39. When Jack Bauer sneezes, God blesses him.
40. Jack Bauer thought the movie Mission: Impossible was completely unrealistic. No mission is impossible.
41. Jack Bauer doesn't have a middle name. Nothing gets between Jack Bauer.
42. Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn't stop Jack.
43. Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
44. After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Jack Bauer.
45. Peace is not an absence of war, it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
46. Jack Bauer came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine. That product is known as Red Bull.
47. If Jack Bauer was interrogating Morpheus in The Matrix, Zion would have been f*cked.
48. When Jack takes his knife out, the terror alert level automatically drops to green.
49. Jack Bauer doesn't lie. He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.
50. President Palmer gave Alaska and Hawaii to China in exchange for the return of Jack Bauer. It was the best deal he ever made.
51. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
52. Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.
53. The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.
54. Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex. He has sex again.
55. Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.
56. Upon finding David Palmer's dead body, Jack Bauer resurrected him from the dead, trained him to become a special forces soldier, strategically placed him in a group known simply as "the Unit," and moved him to another network.
57. Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.
58. Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
59. Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.
60. Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent-teacher conference..... and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
61. When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
62. God created Jack Bauer on the 7th day, knowing He could rest easy with Jack Bauer in control.
63. Scientology was based off a Mad Lib that Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
64. Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
65. If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
66. Jack Bauer's first act after being elected as President of the United States will be to add 5 new stars to the U.S. flag: China, North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and France.
67. Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.
68. MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.
69. In school, kids refused to play hide and seek with Jack Bauer, because when Jack found them, he tortured each one of his classmates till they give all possible locations to hide.
70. Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.
71. Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be too easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
72. The government takes portions of Jack Bauer's lungs to make gas masks.
73. If Jack Bauer shoots you, it's because he has a plan. If you live, you're part of that plan.
74. Jack Bauer saved money on his car insurance by torturing the gecko.
75. The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
76. The reason Mohammed doesn't want pictures of him drawn is because he's afraid Jack Bauer will recognize him.
77. Upon meeting Jack Bauer, he will grant you three wishes. Realistically, you only get two because everyone's first wish is that Jack Bauer doesn't kill them.
78. Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.
79. When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.
80. Jack Bauer could get Edgar Stiles laid.
81. Jack Bauer was brought to China to enforce the one-child policy.
82. Jack Bauer doesn't use pickup lines. He just says, "Hi, my name is Jack Bauer."
83. Jack Bauer knows where the cast of Lost is.
84. Jack Bauer never needs to wear a raincoat. Rain knows better than to fall on Jack Bauer.
85. Jack Bauer does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Jack Bauer goes killing.
86. Jack Bauer once climbed Mount Everest. While at the summit, the President called him with an urgent message. He was back at CTU Los Angeles in 15 minutes.
87. In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.
88. Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.
89. If you have a headache, it's because Jack Bauer is thinking about you.
90. Jack Bauer does not watch breaking news, he breaks the f*cking news.
91. Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.
92. Because of Jack Bauer, the Army switched their slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "Army Of One."
93. Commissioner Gordon only rings the Batphone when he can't get an answer on the Bauerphone.
94. Jack Bauer scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
95. When Jack Bauer signs up for a free iPod online, they actually give him one.
96. Jack Bauer doesn't work for the Department of Defense. Jack Bauer is the Department of Defense.
97. "The valley of the shadow of death" refers to anywhere within a 25-mile radius of Jack Bauer.
98. Insurance applications are now required by law to ask: "Are you a friend of Jack Bauer?"
99. Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young. Jack Bauer did the same thing, but with a real bear.
100. Jack Bauer puts the rage in courage.