The "Not Cool" list

My Official List of Jerk Qualities.


How to Be a Jerk

By: Kat "The Yellow Dart" Kattattack


1. Wear a trucker hat. Sideways.

2. Play your radio as loud as you can, with the bass up as high as you can, with your windows as far down as you can, and drive next to me at every red light and stop sign.

3. Make sure you only play Godsmack, Creed, and Limp Bizkit.

4. Drive a Hummer, but decorate it with bobble heads, fuzzy dice, flower decals, and pink steering wheel / seat covers to soften it up a bit.

5. Cut in front of me at a fast food place and then scan the menu without making up your mind on exactly what you're going to get. Stand there in thought for 15 minutes. Then ask exactly what is "included" in the salad. After having every ingredient read to you from every single flavor of dressing, order a hamburger.

6. Call everyone and everything "emo." The less sense it makes, the better.

7. Insert one or more AIM smilies in every IM you send. Make sure they don't make sense.

8. Abbreviate everything on AIM. Insist that you must "ttyl bc u g.t.t.m.t.g.a.b.t.e. b4 u ^ da 411 on ur rents."

9. If you understood #8, you need not read further.

10. Go to the mall and "hang out" in hopes that another teenager your age is also "hanging out," and will notice you and "hang out" with you.

11. tYpE lIkE tHiS.

12. tAlK lIkE tHiS.

13. Use gel pens to give yourself fake tattoos.

14. Spend a good $5 to rent the J.Lo / Affleck movie GIGLI "just to see how bad it is."

15. Yell, scream, and break up with your boyfriend on your cellphone while you are in the elevator with me at the Dentist's office.

16. Answer everything with "because" and then with "because I said so."

17. Whistle TV commercial jingles.

18. Drive your Taurus like a Ferrari.

19. Incorporate American Idol news into every conversation you have.

20. Pretend to play a really small invisible violin whenever people are sad.

21. Turn your lights off on dark roads and then flash them and honk your horn at the very moment another car comes past you.

22. Doodle your name with someone else's with a big giant heart everywhere. Tables, cars, walls, books..

23. Narrate everything you do from an outsider's perspective.

24. Try to fit the word "like" at least 4 times in every sentence.

25. To come across as intelligent, compare everything to an "interesting article" that you just read. Make these articles up as you go along.

26. Narrate what you do online as if it were a Broadway play. (example: *rolls eyes* or *sighs* or *takes a sip of Coke.* or better yet, do it the Virginia Woolf way and make it overly long and exhausting: *she slowly puts the can of room temperature Coke down on the wood stained computer desk and suspiciously looks around the still room and its traditional style furniture in hopes that a burglar has not entered in without her knowing..*)

27. Use your divine AOL abilities to have an annoying song play when you sign on or offline or when you send an IM. My favorite is Kyle's who says "HOLLA" whenever he IMs me. (because of that, he is exempt from the remainder of this list)

28. Mention how much your clothes cost and exactly what kind of sale you got on them, even when they look awful.

29. Randomly quote really awful movies, like Robocop and Drop Dead Fred.

30. Go to concerts and then complain that every band sucks.

31. Type with a speech impediment online, like "thith ith thupid."

32. Post long, pointless AIM convos in every LiveJournal post. Make sure you do not explain or shorten them, because that would take away from their lack of meaning.

33. Drive like you are attached to my bumper.

34. Laugh too hard at all of my jokes. or non-jokes.

35. Give all your friends nicknames like "Jet," "Curly," and "T-Bone" just to sound like you are a fun crowd to hang out with.

36. Make a whole CD about how you lost your girlfriend and how sad you are, although your grieving will make you millions of dollars in CD sales alone.

37. When parking in a crowded area, make sure to take up as many spots as physically possible.

38. Cut up your hamburger, French fries, and pickle.

39. Quadruple-knot your shoes every 10 minutes to be safe. (quadruple is one more then triple.. I think)

40. When you can't finish a sentence or coherent thought, end it with "ya know........." and then a hand gesture.

41. Make your sentences sound like questions by inserting a pause and then dipping your voice at the end. (ie: "My name's... Kat? I'm from... Lemont?")

42. Insist that everyone hear your William Shatner impression.

43. Vividly describe your dream of Louie Anderson at a nudist beach while out in public.

44. Slurp when you eat solid foods.

45. Name all your songs wrong so when people download Stereolab, they actually get Destiny's Child. Or when they download Local H, they get Hanson. That'll teach them not to steal.

46. Give yourself a theme song for when you enter or exit a room dramatically.

47. Leave people voicemails that are at least seven minutes long. Make sure you say something really important at the end, so they have to hear it all out without skipping ahead.

48. Give yourself a strange accent and language when you call for customer service. That way, they won't have a translator and you can swear at them all you want in your special language.

49. Order your toast untoasted at restaurants. Say that you will not repeat yourself.

50. Tell someone the same joke on an hourly basis. (I suggest knock-knock jokes or political jokes from the mid-80s)

51. Structure your sentences like Yoda, with your subject following the predicate. (example: Annoying are you, young grasshopper.)

52. Choose electric yellow size 1 font when typing documents or IMs.

53. Sing School House Rock songs constantly.

54. Carry loose bullets in your pockets, purse, and hands. Drop them all over nervously. When people ask, make them sign a document saying they saw nothing.

55. Go into the China Wok and order tacos.

56. Call my house, ask for Taneesha, apologize for dialing the wrong number, then dial back one minute later.

57. When you don't like something, say something nonsensical like "ewww pooey" to describe your emotions and feelings.

58. Join MySpace and / or Friendster.

59. Make your screen name "cutiedollhotsexychick" ... but secretly be a 45-year-old lonely divorcee wearing a Star Wars T-shirt with Spaghetti-O stains on it.

60. Drive a new convertible, park it with the TOP down, and only lock the driver's side door outside your private college prep school. Then feel proud of yourself.

61. "Pimp your ride."

62. Be a part of a couple that gets all up on each other in public.

63. Brag that you are cultured because you used TiVo to save all the episodes of The O.C. last season.

64. Make sure you laugh like Urkel meets Fran Drescher meets Peter Griffin.

65. Dress like Dennis Rodman.

66. Repeat everything you say three times. I call this the "echo effect" and it is definitely jerk-quality material.

67. If you are female: wear tight babydoll shirts with stuff like "too cute for you" on them. If you are male: wear cutoff shorts.

68. Make "yo mama" jokes like it was your job.

69. Insist that you are going to live longer because of the antioxidants in your green tea, but still continue to smoke a pack of menthol cigarettes a day.

70. Put cereal boxes back in the cupboard when they only have grains of actual Cheerios left.

71. Celebrate fake holidays like Sweetest Day.

72. Dot your I's with little hearts.

73. Sneeze in your library books so when I read them, I can catch diseases while trying to read the blurred print.

74. Make your pickup truck "classy" by covering it with NRA stickers.

75. Call your boyfriend / girlfriend really gross gagworthy names like "smoochie poochie" or "hunny bunny" or "soulmate." Gag me with a spoon.


Thank goodness I'm not guilty of much (if anything) on the list.. whew!

Spoz and I had a running discussion about #75 around Valentine's Day 2003. Thank goodness I don't have anything like that going on! :P