Bad Baby Names, Part VIII: Of Thee I Scream

Part VIII: Of Thee I Scream

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What is a nature-related name for a boy? I am pregnant with a boy, and I already have four girls. My girls are Summer Skies, Autumn Night, April Shower, and Spring Flower. Please help! I am due in November.

Star Light

Star Light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, let this lady be a mental patient whose "children" are actually straws she stole from the hospital cafeteria.

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starlight --

how about:

Winter Snow

Forest Greene

or
Sage August

How 'bout Oy and Vey.

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My son is named Mason, and I don't see what is wrong with that. I have been suffering with my husband saying that if this baby is a girl, he'll name her America. I have tried to change his mind thousands of times, but he is stubborn. It's not that I'm not patriotic; I'm just thinking ahead to her school days. I don't want my child to have to endure being called "Miss America" or any other corny attempts at humor.

Damn it, woman! If you don't name your baby America, the terrorists win! Every patriot must go out and name their baby America!

Miss America, my ass. It's the Coming to America jokes I'd fear.

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How about Amaricus or just Maricus. Maricus kind of goes with Mason. When someone asks your kids' names, you can say Mason and Maricus. They are different and unique. It still goes with America. Maybe you don't like it now, but it may grow on you. If you kind of like them, run them by your husband. Also, if your child gets called 'Miss America,' it'll be a comment.

Er, yes. It will be a comment. Now I'm going to drink a bottle of Scotch. It will be a drink!

I think it'd be funnier if the kids were named Maricus and Mason, and when someone asks their kids' names, she could go, "Consuelo and Rudolfo." They are different and unique.

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Pick a name that stands for something. A unique name. If it's a boy, America. If it's a girl, Americus. Those are just two names. Liberty. Pick something that makes you and your partner both happy. Don`t listen to other people (I know I sound hipacritical, but listen to your heart.

Oh, dude, you are like critically hip. You're hipacritical!

Now I know it's like criticizing the paint job on the Titanic, but wouldn't Americus be a better boy name, and America a better girl name?

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There is a girl who is in my classes at college, Morgan. She is the most popular person in the world. I am a pack rat, so I save newspapers. I was looking through them, and I found out that she was even more popular as a kid then she is now. She is in about seven of the newspapers. Then I was thinking, "Morgan... what a pretty name." I decided that my baby, if it is a girl, will be named Morgan Elizabeth. Is that a good name?

Funny, I thought most stalkers were too busy working on their basement shrines to meet someone and get knocked up.

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For the record, I and my "normal" name (Rachel Diane) got more crap in school than you would think possible. I was suicidal, fortunately didn't get preggers (although many others with "normal" names did), and dealt with a rather nasty drug problem for several years. If my name were, say, "Candyland Starship," would my life had been any different? I don't think so.

Well-established scientific fact: People with normal names are destined for crap, drug abuse, and pregnancy. (Though she's putting no time frame on this tale... is she happy because she didn't get pregnant at age 35? If so, she's preaching to the wrong choir. These women are desperate to have hobbies.... I mean.... children.)

I prefered it when they were Candyland Airplane myself.

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What does everyone think about naming boy and girl twins Karlee Autumn and Kory Allen after my brother Kory Allen? Their sisters are Arielle Dakota and Tatum Mercedes.

Wait... Kory Allen's named after who again?

I could write a lengthy essay about people naming their kids after luxury automobiles. Yes, I know Mercedes is a real girl's name, but why is it becoming more popular at the same time as variations on Lexus and Porshe? (not Portia)... but I think the point is too obvious to waste bandwidth on.

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Just found out I am pregnant. Already, my husband and I cannot decide on a name. Luckily, I have a long time to convince him! LOL ... We have one 6-year old-son named Collin, so I'd like something that goes with that. I like Lillian Elizabeth and Tristan David. My husband likes Karma Jade and Isaiah David. We can't agree, so I think we should look for different names altogether. Thanks for any help!

Again, a strategy I'm not getting. They pick names on their own, and because they didn't come up with the same ones, they start over? My very basic probability skills (and an email from Chris at UWash to correct me) say that the odds of two people thinking of two names of a mere five random letters each (random being the favored method of creating a bad baby name) are 1 in 380,204,032 (including rAndOm caPitalIzatIon). And that's only in the Latin alphabet.

Try new Karma Jade! The mystical good luck charm used for centuries in the mysterrrrrious Orient!

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I am also having trouble coming up with a name for my baby girl due in October. What do you think about Carlie Rebecca or Sara Beth? My brother's name is Charlie, and I would like to name her after him, but my husband doesn't like the name "Rebecca." I'm having trouble coming up with middle names that go with Carlie.... my name is Beth -- is it okay to have that for my child's name as well? (my husband likes the idea) ... Also, I would love for the name to really mean something; we love the outdoors -- we do a lot of biking and hiking.

Carlie Schwinn

Carlie Poisonoak

Carlie Roadrash

Carlie Off!

Carlie Emergencyflare

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My husband wants to name our baby Xavier Robert if it's a boy. I want to name it Michaela Ann if it's a girl. The ultrasound shows that the baby is a boy.

And he'll create soft dolls with bizarre football-shaped plastic heads.

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One name that you could use - Nevaeh My cousin used this. It is "heaven" spelled backwards. Summer Nevaeh would be pretty.

See, what'd I say about random letters?

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I had a little girl nine months ago, and I named her Gennavieve Luaraleigh. I still have not come across any babies with that name yet. (I just wanted to put that out there as a suggestion to anyone else)

... because she's desperate to assuage her guilt in having named her child such a lengthy mishmash of phonetic and aggressively anti-phonetic spellings.

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I have a daughter named Emma Grace, and another named Brooklyn Hope. I was wondering if I should name my next daughter Nicole Faith or Kennedy Faith.

Brooklyn Hope? Kennedy Faith? How 'bout Cedars-Sinai and round out the "My kids sound like medical centers" triumverate?

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My Life as an Overzealous PC Apologist: Chapter 1

Sometimes when people post their favorite names on here, we may think that they have the most ridiculous taste in the world. But there are so many people, in different cultures and places, and so their version of a beautiful name might be slightly different then ours. Get over it, and name your children what you love. Some people come on here for advice, and providing your opinion is different than knocking their choices.... Just don't hate on others!

So it's OK to provide your opinion as long as you don't actually criticize their choice, even though most of them aren't so much making choices as... asking for opinions. And the vast majority of the names have no tie whatsoever to any sort of identifiable ethnicity besides Would-Be Yuppie on Too Much Xanax. Um, yeah.

Don't worry, I don't hate on others. Their kids will do it for me.

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My wife and I decided to name our daughter MARA JADE after the mother in Star Wars. If it's a boy, we'll name him ANAKEN MICHAEL. We are Star Wars fanatics. Do you think we went too far?

First off, and I had to look all this up, the mother of Anaken Skywalker is named Shmee. Now there's a name. Mara Jade is a character from the many geek book sequels who thusly is described by the official Star Wars Web page:

She was once known as the Emperor's Hand -- a highly skilled assassin and operative who could hear Emperor Palpatine's bidding from across the galaxy. Trained since childhood and honed into a weapon, Mara learned self-sufficiency, piloting, marksmanship, and talents in the Force while serving her dark master.

This charmer, after many fascinating adventures in many silly-named places and after many attempts to kill Luke Skywalker, ends up marrying him. Then together, they go on fascinating adventures to silly-named places.

Reading this fulfills your entire yearly geek info quota.

Next up, the Web site says the correct spelling is Anakin, but in any spelling, it's a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid name, and unless the kid hones the ability to strangle people with his mind and sound like James Earl Jones, his life will be a nightmare of unimaginable proportions.

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My brother and his wife recently had a baby, and they chose the name Hektor Joseph. My whole family at first was against the first name Hektor, and then it was a uncomfortable time when they had a baby boy.

So the issue was they thought it was a bad name for a girl?

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I prefer to name my first girl Sam or Stads and my first boy Chris-Webb or Jason-Collins

All I have to say is, "The hell???"

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My firstborn has a name that no one else has. He is a first, Abeus. (Abe E us) It is a strong name, and as for getting along with other children his age, there is not a doubt in my mind he has friends. He gets along with other children, and is not picked on because of his name.

This is one of my favorites. It has everything, nice and compact. It's got a bad name, which sounds like a combination or fragment of a normal one, spelled strangely, and emphasized poorly.

Plus, it has a mother who insists the child is unique, and then insists in a rather desperate tone that he isn't a total social outcast, spurned by humanity and destined to live in a sewer in the bowels of Gotham City because of the badly-spelled, poorly-emphasized bad, bad name. Really, she acts like having friends is something you believe in, as an act of faith, as opposed to something you witness with your own eyes.

All this, and there's a good bet the kid's no more than 10, so she's presumably watching him with her own eyes a good deal. Is she rationalizing the time the kids locked Abeus in the composting toilet as a friendly hazing incident?

(Reader Tom points out, and I can't believe I missed it, that Abeus is an anagram of "abuse." )

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I know that I have said this a million times before,

None of which we've heard before, thank you.

but it really irks me when people get on this board and tell people that they shouldn't name their children unique / modern names. Their argument is that when they get older, their "cute" name won't make any sense. I get what they are saying, and I respect their opinions, but this is the way it is, people!!

And because it is the way it is, all those who don't think it should be will be ordered on to trucks and shipped to labor camps until they decide to name their kids Mykynzy.

Look at the paper once and see the birth announcements... they are all newer names. Go to a kindergarten class and look at the attendance sheet... they are all newer names also. Face it, times are changing.

You vill like zee stupid names! Old names are counter-revolutionary!

I lived in a world where there were a million Joshes, Matts, and Davids. Now there are a million Kaylas, Samanthas, and Brittanys.
Pretty soon, there are going to be a million Braydens, Jordans, and Madisons. Don't worry about your child growing up to be a Grandma MacKenzie, because that is going to be a normal name for her generation. Just like we have Grandma Mildreds and Grandpa Franks, whose names have gone out years and years ago.

Yeah, well, I lived in a world where plurals aren't spelled with apostrophes. "Comrade's! To give your kid's normal name's is against the teaching's of our fearless leader! You will change your way's and have lots of kid's with pretentious name's!"

Meanwhile, this staunch advocate of doofy names has gone and unravelled the primary pro-doofy name argument: Unique names make kids unique. Over and over, I've read people complaining they don't want their kid to be Jenny W. or Kevin P. at school, when all they've done is set up their kids to be the even more silly Braden J. or Brooklynn M. Damn you, irony!