Bad Baby Names, Part VII: Jesus' Mom is No Saint

Part VII: Jesus' Mom is No Saint



I have a 20-year-old son named Case Mitchell and an 18-year-old daughter named Cheyenne Autumn. my daughter has some of the most beautiful red hair in the world, so her name fits her to a tee.

Not only does she have beautiful red hair, but Cheyenne Autumn stars James Stewart and Richard Widmark, and is regarded by many critics to be John Ford's most cynical of his later Westerns. She runs 2 hours, 35 minutes and is available on VHS.

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What I do want is a name that is unique and sounds dignified without being "laughable." What I do NOT want is a name that is so different it takes a lifetime to get used to. My mother did that to me, and I fuss with her about it to this day. (I'm almost 34) She named me Zebrena Nanzet (which is a variation of Sabrina Nanzette), which she says she found in a baby book in the late 60s. No matter how much emphasis I put on pronouncing the 'Z' in my first name, people have already started spelling Sabrina. Let me just tell you that I have been cursed with spelling my name everywhere I go. And I do mean everywhere.

We believe you. Poor thing. Having a perfectly normal middle name like Nanzette spelled so strangely.

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What do you think of the name 'Fancy'? For a girl, of course. Naomi found an egg. It hatched into a peacock. They named it Fancy!

Some lady found a Web site. She wrote a name. They named it Insanity!

(You C&W fans out there will immediately recognize this as the name of a shack-dwelling underage hooker pimped by her own mother in the song of the same name.)

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I love my unique name Jetti.

I border many harbors. Sometimes I'm made of rocks and protect wharfs from the tides!

I knew a couple who likes baby names that are active verbs. They named their daughter Meander, she is called Mea for short. If it would have been a boy, they liked the name Run. Another choice for a girl was Harmony.

OK. Number 1: Meander and Run aren't active verbs until they're placed with an object, as in "I meander in delirium thinking 'Run' is a good name." Number 2: I dare... I double dog dare these people to name a girl the verb form of Harmony, Harmonize. I fuckin' dare them! Then have a boy and name him Simonize. Number 3: While I'm at it, I dare them to save everyone the trouble and name Run "The Shits" instead.

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My to-be husband has a thing for "unique" names. He likes names such as "Veto" and Enobi." I like what I call "cool" names, such as "Kiki" and "Jack." We were having dissagrements with baby names till I smacked him upside the head and phrohibid him from naming my children.

Well, I phrohibid you from having kids at all.

Although, it is nice to know who originated the slang use of "cool" - it's this lady! ("They're what I like to call --big finger quotes-- COOL names.") And now we know she's prone to violence against her fiancé for wanting to name kids Veto so they can star in Schoolhouse Rock segments about the three branches of government!

Help me, Kobi-Wan Enobi, you're our only hope!

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I named my little girl Tenlee simply because my husband and I liked it. It is pronounced just like it sounds. I hope she loves her name as much as we do.

Yes, she'll love sounding like a teabag.

"It is pronounced just like it sounds." If it weren't, Dadaism would have a new leader.

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Here are some unusual girls names (and some weird):

1. Vadan

2. Jayken

3. Tamree

4. Cheyenne

5. Shayla

6. Luche

7. Velandra

8. Electra

Good luck to all the parents wanting the best names possible for their little Darlings.

Well, it's finally happened. I'm speechless. Utterly, utterly speechless. She coughs up (and I mean that literally) some of the dumbest names I've ever, ever seen after reading hundreds of these stupid, stupid entries. Then she ends it with that sanctimonious crap about how parents who give their kids stupid names are the ones who want the best for their kids. You know, most people put out an effort to find the worst possible names for their kids because they don't realize they're "little darlings." Not until Super Name Lady points it out to them.

I just.... I think I need a good cry now.

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Can I get some thoughts on naming a girl Emerson? There's no reason behind it. I recently met someone with the name and fell in love.

Does your husband know?

I haven't decided the middle name yet - Emerson Michelle

Emerson Anne

Emerson Mae

Our last name is Kingston.

Emerson Kingston. Try saying it five times fast!

I got an email on this one from a lady who met another woman with a girl named Emerson. It went predictably.

Mom: "... blah blah blah named Emerson."

E-mailer: "That's nice, like the poet?"

Mom: (blank stare)

E-mailer: "Like Ralph Waldo Emerson?"

Mom: (blank stare. Probably accompanied by sound of crickets.) "WHO???"

Stupid public schools.

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I feel a little bit differently. I think that if kids want to make fun of one another, they will find a way. Name your child what you feel is best, and do not worry about later on down the line. Besides, teasing is a part of life, and helps mold us to who we are. I have never heard of no one ever being teased.

Like hell! I knew a kid named No One Opielynn Amstellina Rock Fflur and he was teased like crazy!

'Til he brought that Uzi to school.

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I'm having twins, but I want a common first name and uncommon middle name. How do these names sound?
Girls: Valerie Brigail and Juliet Alelanie
or
Boys: Santiago Joeaziel and Omar Aaron comments?

What the living hell? (How's that for a comment?) The girls' middle names are part of the Syllable Exchange Program, and the boys' names make me ponder what ethnicity this woman is, and what ethnicity she thinks her son will magically have.

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My family's tradition is to spell a normal name unusually.

OK. "U-N-U-S-U-A-L." Pronounced "Cynthia."

My name is Myndi (as opposed to Mindy), my sister is Arika (not Erica), and my brother is Ethyn, not Ethan. My boyfriend's family's tradition is two middle names. His is Tony Marc Joshua. My new baby girl's name has a lot to live up to. The final decision?

What... I get to pick? Hmm, well.... I appreciate the boy getting smacked with a random Y for a change... so how 'bout Yvytty instead of Yvette?

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My problem is I've decided on a name for my unborn son, and it's Jordan. But I have had a lot of people tell me that is a girl name. I have heard of boys named Jordan, but I don't want to give him a girl name. What should I do?

Ah ha! I always had my suspicions about that New Kid.

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My husband and I can't agree on a name. We are having a girl in August. We already have one girl named Brooke Alayna. [Really basic last name] is the last name, so we don't want a REALLY common first name. He likes Amaya Dawn or Amaya Michele. I like Mikayla or Jenna.

Amaya Dawn. Well, am I? Damn it, I asked you! Answer me!

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Are you choosing a name for your baby?
I've never met any namesakes. If you please, name your baby Onarada!

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight! In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight! Ona-rada! Ona-rada! Ona-rada! Ona-rada! Ona-rada! Ona-rada!

(More than one reader has pointed out this is definitely a gag posting - Onarada means "fart" in Japanese. At least... I HOPE that makes it a fake entry!)

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My son's name is Gavin Orion. I'm due in September. The names we've picked out are Lyra Star for a girl, and Dante Randall for a boy. We tried to stay away from family or "too common" names. (ours are Rachel and Jason)

Dante Randall? Look, I like Clerks too, but that's just going too far. And Lyra? No child should be made out of the same material as leotards.

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Mason is my 2-year-old son's name. It is in the top 100 boys names for 2001. I think it is a strong boy's name. Why would anyone make fun of it?

Because they're opposed to his secret Masonic orders trying to overthrow the government, along with Ted Turner, the secret Catholic cultists in the Supreme Court, and the Anti-Defamation League. Duh!

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I am due in November, I just got pregnant. I am having quadruplets! Wow, that's a lot of kids. I am having four girls and one boy.

Um, there's an extra quadruplet. Are you going to auction off your least favorite or something?

The boy's name I am set on. His name will be Anthony [last name] Jr. His middle name will start with "E." My husband doesn't want it said because it's very Italian and hard for everyone to say.

I like it. Anthony That-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named [last name] Jr.

But the girls I am having trouble with. I picked out a bunch of names for firsts, but for middles, I want common, traditional names. I narrowed it down to Morgan, Arianna, Savanna(h), Sierra, Sasha, or Alyssa.

I don't know much about computer programming, but I think I can build a program to help this lady name her kids. It's called "Bunch of Letters Followed by 'ah' 2.1." Let's take it for a test-drive:


Kjlasjdah

Wifnah

Odah

RoofingNailsah

Powlwah

Platypusah

Yeah, looks good.

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I had a baby girl 3 months ago, and we named her Lauren Rebecca. (Rebecca is my husband's sister's name) However, it does not seem to fit, and we would like to change her name to Emma Lauren. But my husband does not think it would be appropriate to drop Rebecca since she was named after his sister. I don't want our daughter to have four names, Emma Lauren Rebecca [last name], and we don't want to drop Lauren, either. How do I handle this situation? Please help! I would like to change her name before she starts knowing her name!!

Holy cow.

I fully endorse this amazing insult to her child's aunt on one condition. She explains in no uncertain terms how a middle name (which has been used for millennia) can fail to fit an infant who is just barely old enough to discover she has feet and they can fit in her mouth.

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I am expecting in November. We were thinking about naming our son Kason. I've seen this name only once before, spelled Cason. I loved it then - and then realized that it was the combination of my husband's and my names. (Kay & Jason) Aside from the fact that friends / relatives may think we are crazy.... what do you think about the name Kason for a boy?

Kay and Jason. Making their kids an extension of themselves a little too much.

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It's fun to have a little story behind names for retelling later on. My son's name involves my middle name (Rae), and my daughter has a similar middle name. (Mae) We knew we were getting a son, and so his name worked out to be Graeson. Kinda neat.

The fuck? How did that "work out" when you "got" your son. Brain... hurts...

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Having been a child myself, it seems that it doesn't matter what your child is named. All children will eventually be teased for something, so what?

Wow, you were a child once? No shit! Me, I was born 19 years old, 65 inches long, and weighed 7 pounds, 1760 ounces.

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I love the Lord, am a LDS woman, and would like to name my baby baby Jesus.

Wait, she wants to call him "Baby Jesus"? How will that work after he's 33?

My husband says this is ridiculous because we are not Latino, and he does not even go to church anymore. I looked, and it is a popular name in the US, so it must be that others like me are out there spreading His love. His full name would be "Jesus Joseph Dewey." Can anyone tell me if when you are at the hospital, can you refuse to let your husband have a say in what the birth certificate says? I'm 18 years old and am a first time mom.

Issue 1: Jesus! (Praise the Lord!) Joseph! (Hallelujah!) Dewey. (..... um..... He's a duck, right?)

Issue 2: Have you ever heard anything so romantic, and yet so filled with Our Heavenly Father's purest love alighting from heaven to his children upon the earth as an 18-year-old Mormon girl wanting to have her husband barred from the hospital where she's just given birth so she can name their child Jesus. Joseph. Dewey. Amen.