Bad Baby Names, Part V: Big Chief Mucous Stink

Part V: Big Chief Mucous Stink


I'm seven months pregnent with quadruplets!!!! Nicole, Luke, Amanda, and Alex. These names sound refreshing with a hint of mystery.

Ooh, refreshing and zesty! Like bathing under a crisp clean waterfall with Irish Spring. Yet mysterious, like a smokey dame in a red dress. But under a waterfall.

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My husband wants Elijah Haakon. I want Legend Haakon. What do you guys think?

I feel like haaking. You know a kid named Legend will be bland and unaccomplished, just like girls named Charity are selfish, Faiths are atheists, Chastitys are bimbos, and Hopes are suicidal. And if you're going to name a kid after a Tom Cruise movie THAT unapproachably bad, name 'em Cocktail.

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Hey guys, I am Miranda. I have 4-month-old twin girls. Their names are Kiarne Rhukaya and Paris Jewel.

Miranda, sweetie, don't keep any weapons in the house. Twins can be all telekinetic and spooky, and those two are going to wreak some revenge on your ass.

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I originally planned on naming my boy Dakota Lee, but my nephew had a baby boy two years ago and named him that. Now I can not find a boy's name. I like Dakota... but have thought about Dacoda since I want to use the shortened form Cody...

Well then, go ahead. There's nothing like going through life with everyone thinking your parents are totally illiterate yuppies who think owning Dances with Wolves on DVD makes them in touch with Native Americans, until one day your kid snaps and runs over your latte drinkin' , People magazine readin' ass with your own SUV. Or you could just name him "Cody" like you want to, and save yourself from having to explain to the school principal how Cody happened to obtain the .45 that was found in his backpack.

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Then, the Indians attack the fort:

DAKOTA, LAKOTA, etc. I am an actual Indian, Oglala Lakota. I live in North Dakota. Stop with the so called "American Indian" names, will ya? Dakota does not mean "friend." That's just what white folks think.

I saw someone here post something to the effect of "My wife is one-eighth Sioux, so we named our son 'Lakota,' which means 'good earth' in American Indian. Spot all the errors in that sentence.

*If* someone is actually Siouan, they would identify themselves as Oglala, Hunkpapa, Sicangu, Nakota, Dakota, Lakota, etc., not "Sioux." If the name is a word from the Lakota language, it is not "American Indian." There is NO "American Indian" language.

How many of you would think 'Pahli,' 'Sicamna,' or 'Sica' were pretty and unusual "American Indian" names? Know what they mean? Mucous, Stink, and Ugly.

Do what you must, but leave the Dakota and Lakota Nations out of it, along with all other American Indian Nations. Find some other culture to co-opt.

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My daughter has polosistic ovaries, and tried for eight years to have a baby. She had in-vitro done twice, and was artificially inseminated several times. Nothing worked after spending thousands of dollars. She stopped all the fertility treatments after eight years, and three months later, she was pregnant. Her grandfather's name was Jesse, and her husband's name is Jesse. Her dad's name is John, and her only brother's name is Derek. After this miracle happened, she wanted to name her son after the most important men in her life. So on June 25th, she turned 32, and June 26th she gave birth to a 9lb5oz "Jesse Jon-Derek [last name]".

Um... was there a reason for telling us this?

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What are your opinions on the name "Flower"? Pretty, or just goofy?

Not bad if you're an animated Disney character. Otherwise, it's goofy. Wait... GoofyLynn!

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I am having this baby boy on Aug 6. Dad and I love Alexander Scott, but our last name is Smith. Will the initals be a huge problem? We don't want him to be teased.

That's OK. Kids are pretty uncreative when it comes to teasing. They'll never eventually spot that one.

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How about Lou? When I was in England, I heard that name, and it seemed to have a little tinkle to it. Randy is good too.

You weren't listening QUITE hard enough in England, were you?

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what about Jackie-O for a girl or Sinead?

Tough call. It all hinges on what hairdo you were planning.

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I like the name Jayden for a girl and Jaden for a boy. I'm also thinking of other bisexual names.

Try taking out a personal ad in the adult weekly.

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I was thinking of the name Blaise, but I don't know if it should be the first or middle name.

I think it should be a felony.

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I'm thinking of naming my son that is due here

(as opposed to somewhere else?)

in a couple of weeks Camden Trevor.

This lady goes to on say she lives in Indiana. I guess in Indiana, no one's clued them in on the whole "Everyone on the planet makes fun of New Jersey" thing. Or that there's a Camden, Indiana.

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One of our "requirements" for a name is that the first and middle initials will sound nice together to make a nickname. I grew up as Brandy to some, and BJ to others .... quick and easy nickname that kids may not make as much fun of.

For 15 years, poor Brandy never understood why everyone snickered after calling her by her nickname. Or why all those football players asked her to prom. They were so rough in the back of the limo.

Guess they thought she was a different kind of girl.

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When we named our three sons, we wanted something different. By accident, they all ended up being names of cities.

Denver Kade Lional

Karson Cole Lorne

Cody Walker Royal

Their third names all come from family: Dad, and Great-Grandpas.

I'm not seeing the city names. And I'm not seeing the accident. And I'm not seeing the need for those poncey second middle names. In fact, I'm not seeing at all. These names have made me go blind.

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Excerpts from Alexa Rae's mom:

I was somewhat surprised not to see my daughter's name in any of the above entries. Her name is Alexa Rae... She does about 5 beauty pageants a year, and for those, she uses her first and middle name. That's what we would like for her to be known to the world as. Alexa Rae is almost 3 years old now, and I don't regret our decision one bit....

We're going to get another one.... My husband liked the name Shasta, but I can't imagine naming my child after a can of soda.

I wrote out a nice long diatribe about this one, but can distill it into a single thought: This woman is a slave master. A slave master who will soon "get" a child named "Mountain Dew" and display her in a decorative case.

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Hunter Maverick Maarten. My little boy was named after his Daddy. My husband's middle name is Martin... we just chose to spell it differently. ... I wouldn't trade my kids for nothing. God Bless You!

All right - does it count as naming-someone-after-someone-else if the names aren't spelled the same? Not even vaguely the same? Answer: It does if you're an illiterate hillbilly! No, I wouldn't trade them for nothing. I'd trade them for a new muffler or some possum traps!

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I need an artistic Latin name for my baby girl who will be born in March 2002.

Well I need a million dollars and a dream date with N'Sync, but you don't hear me complaining. Hmm... Latin name.... how 'bout Gaius Lacivious Maximus?

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Not pregnant yet, but working on it!! Carlos Arturo to make Jr. Although I don't like Arturo(North American tongue can't prononuce)

Yeah, stupid Mexico, sitting there in North America not being able to pronounce Arturo.

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I want to name my son Severin Anderson Bartlett. Are there too many syllables in this?

I think Severin is a great name for a surgeon.

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I am 7 weeks pregnate, and my boyfriend and I are tying to figure out a middle name for our child, whatever it might be... we're not sure yet. If it's a girl, we want to name it Destiny, or if it's a boy, we want to name it Tristan. What is a good middle name for the two?

Thanks A lot.

Ah, it's always the crazy stupid ones who mess up and get pregnate. Can't wait to see them on Springer.

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I named my daughters differently,

(as opposed to naming them the same? "... and these are my daughters, Brandy.")

...the younger one is Kryslyn (like Chrislynn)

Death to all vowels! The Ministry of Truth says vowels are plus undoublethink. Vowels are a Eurasian plot! Big Brother, leading us proles to victory!

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My favorite names are:

Xev Chiana Louise

Nikita Gia Ravin

Gavin Charles Bailey

Tristan Michael Ares

I want kids to entire the world unique.

When they turn 18, they can always change it. I hate names like Collette. She would get picked on. Kids are not always PG!

Yeah, well I like names not stupid. Names actual exist. Pronoun, verb like too. Names suggest cruel, unusual. Fourth Amendment Constitution ban 'Nikita' for all but French assassins, bald Russian men. Friend, good! Fire, BAD!

(Helpful reader and SciFi channel viewer Joan adds that Xev is a character from Lexx: "She's a virgin love slave, in love with an animate dead assasin." and Chiana is from Farscape: an "escaped convict, genetically altered by her home planet's government to be a nymphomaniac" and spread an STD across the universe. What does this say about Mama's ambitions for wee baby Xev Chiana? Do we really want to know?)

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We're thinking of naming our son after his father, whose name is Adjutor Joseph Audet III.

"Oh no," scream the citizens of Tokyo, "it's Adjutor! He has been freed from his radiation prison on Monster Island! Only Gamera can save us now!"

Seriously, though, Joseph Audet III was the most powerful adjutor of the Holy Roman Empire, uniting the warring families of the Venetian city-state against the forces of Count Francis dell' Avincci in 1531. See, bet you didn't know that.

Or that I just made that all up 'cause I'm too lazy to look up "adjutor."

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May I suggest:

Calaya Tanith

Calaya Branwen

Calaya Delphine

Calaya Faerin

Calaya Gwendolen

Calaya Maeve

Calaya Magdalen

Calaya Mairead

Calaya Niamh

Calaya Nimue

Calaya Roisin (ro-SHEEN)

Calaya Siobhan (sha-VON)

Calaya Talwen

Fainne Maeve

Fainne Roisin

Fainne Tanith

No. No, you bloody well may not suggest them. Please leave us alone and resume reading The Annotated Legends of the Runes of the Mystical Arthurian Knighthood of the Sacred Circle of the Shield of the Spell-Casting Princess Faeries of the Grail of Blackwynne Castle. Book II.

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Prayers. Before I found out I was going to have a boy, I only had girl's names chosen. If I do have a girl in the future, I am naming her Aria Ocean or Aria Leilani. I love original names! :-)

Behold, the latest fad in greeting people: stating a random noun. As in, "Fishsticks. My name's Aria Ocean, and I'm a New-Age CD compilation featuring 40 hits by your favorite artists. Like Enya..."

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Since I know that my pregnancy, even though it was out of wedlock, has been blessed, I have decided to name my child with some kind of Biblical meaning behind it.

Glad to hear God personally came off the mountain to let you know you didn't do wrong in the face of 6,000 years of Judeo-Christian ethics, which I'm assuming you ascribe to, what with your belief in things being blessed and all. Better call the Pope. I hate to sound reactionary, I'm not rabidly for marriage or anything, but this lady's asking for it with her God-ventrilaquist act. Hell, at least the Virgin Mary was married to somebody, even if it wasn't the baby's father.

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I really like Ireland as a middle name. It sounds sooo cute. I like McCarthy for a boy, too.

It's always a good idea to name a kid after a fascist drunk. How 'bout Franco or Mussolini? Ivan Terribyl?

You know, I'm really starting to think these folks think words are just a series of sounds bereft of meaning.

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I was wondering which name you would pick out of these choices for girl
Names?????

Abbey Monet

Chloe Monet

Irelynd Monet

Dilyn Monet

And here it is again. There's nothing wrong with giving kids Irish names except they sound like fringe characters from Mists of Avalon. But it's another thing to name your kid Ireland. That's a political statement. (you don't see a lot of Arab kids named Israel, for example) But if there's one thing you don't want to do, it's piss off the Oirish by misspelling the name of their damn country. That'll get your ass handed to you faster than asking, "What's so wrong with Thatcher?"

And Dilyn... In the time it would take to come up with every way that could be mispronounced, I could find the end of Pi.

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My husband and I really want to find a name for our child that is unique. We don't want 5 other children in class with our son / daughter with the same name. Likewise, we don't want to name our child something so strange that he gets teased, or people just think that it's too bazarre! Please help by giving us your honest opinions.

Boy - Maverick David [last name]
Girl - Savannah Grace [last name] (We live in Georgia.. is that too hookie?)

Yes. Too hookie. Make 'em a matched pair and name the girl "Iceman."

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Here are some names I saw today

Kaytaquana

Alliwen

Camianne

Shaynelna

Karlakenya

Adanah

Leezi

Mays

Karjovon

Brandnel

Jaslera

Breedee

Tylee

Allikaylor

Tylera

Shairani

I'm guessing (hoping, praying) these are names you saw today while you were hitting random keys on the computer at Bellevue just before the Thorazine kicked in. Wait, let me try:

Huvven

Woakam

Euwher

Iluhad

Joofenkel (for boy or girl)

Jofwern

Mu'ulf

Opiuren

Puj

Yubjibi

Roowp

Qimwoup

Abcadeffgheejecklemenopqrestuvwexiz (the most incredible word I've ever seen!)