Bad Baby Names, Part II: God Wants You To Name the Baby After Him

God Wants You To Name the Baby After Him

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My boyfriend and I love the name Jayln (Jay-Lynn), but we don't know how to spell it. There are a few ways we like, but we don't know which we like more... what do you think?

JaeLynne (or JayLinne)

Jalyn

Jayln

Jaylyn

Jalynne

How 'bout Ghei-llenn? Juay-limn? Q-bert?

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My husband and I were once told that we should "pray for a name." That in the Biblical times, God named many people and still would today if asked. We had a little girl, and were very surprised at the name that came to us when she was born, and we have been very happy with it ever since. We are doing the same with our baby that's due in October.

Did the fortune cookie slip with the name come before or after the placenta?

These happy parents are hoping for a little brother for their baby, Default Marie.

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We'd kind of like something that sounds good with Mikayla (our 3-year-old).

Dear God, they're tailoring them into box sets!

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Please, someone, HELP! My husband and I are having a horrible dilemma on names. For girls, I like Brielle, Ashlynn, Brooklynn, and Madelyn, and he likes TIFFANY. He refuses to bend!! I don't really mind it, but it was never one of my favorites. What do you think of Tiffany??

She's okay, but Debbie Gibson could write her own songs.

For a boy, we have even a bigger problem. Every boy in his family, including all of the nephews, has a name that starts with R! I think Robert is too boring, and Riley is turning more and more into a girl's name. I like Rylan (pronounced ry-lin), but my husband says it sounds too feminine. What do you think about that, too?

Gee, how did he get the idea that "ry-lin" was a girl's name after fighting over Ashlynn, Brooklynn, and Madelyn? (Question: When are these folks going to really push the envelope and put a THIRD n to the end of a name for no reason?)

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In a few months, I'm going to be a new mom, and we know it's a girl. My husband and I have been discussing names lately (we already have six children: Jack Dominick, Rose Solenne, Monroe Charlize, Ophelia Eden, Heart Scarlett, Pascal Sebastien) and our favorites right now are:

Okay, I think this lady's lying. No two people could contain between them enough evil to conceive both of this many children and this many f'ed up names. Even a godless universe contains more rhyme and reason.

Phoenix (she was conceived in Phoenix)

Aedin

Cielle (see-ell)

Gracelyn

Maxime (max-eem)

Jasmine

These people, being either liars, New Age cultists, schizophrenic Dungeons and Dragons players, or Mormons (or all four) make most commentary on those preposterous names moot. However:

Every kid thinks the idea of their parents having sex is nasty. So why oh why would you want to remind them of it every single time someone calls their name?

I mean, how 'bout some truth in advertising, here! Name her Ramblerbackseat.

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What about the name Skylar or Raven?

Thanks, 14-year-old-Goth-girl!

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Q: Does anyone have a cute boy name starting with a "K"?

Sample responses:

Kade, Kacey, Kahil, Kahlil, Kaleb, Kane, Karey, Karl, Karsten, Kristopher, Keenan, Kyle, Kelly, Kendrick, Keegan, Kieran, Kinsey, Kirkland, Kyler, Kurt, Kurtis.

Kahil? Karsten? Krap!

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My fiancé and myself have names already picked out. For a boy, we like Clayton Nathaniel... Payson Alexander... or Jaylen Alexander.

and for a girl, we like EmmaLee Jade... Jaylee Morghan... Shyler Madison...Laken Makai

Boys' names: All sound like linebackers. Girls' names: Anagrams.

Laken - the new herring treat from Finland. Laken, ja!

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I really like the "Brenner," but I can't find its meaning anywhere, and I am not sure that it is a real name.

But why should that stop you? Name the kid Fridgidaire!

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I have 2 girls... Ashlyn Marie and Carrington Alisa. I chose to give my daughters unusual names... but not unusual enough to be made fun of.

Not unless the younger one runs into a vicious gang of Lytton Strachey readers.

I will name baby #3 Killian (girl) or Tristan (boy).

Hope he sings in German and dates a girl named Isolde. And that the girl's middle name is Irish, and her last name is Red! That's rock! Wooo!

The response:

Killian is a BOY'S name! Think about it for a minute: if you name her Killian, she'll more than likely be mistaken for a boy in BOTH middle and high school, and be put in a boys' gym class! These are the things you have to consider when naming a child.

Yeah! Think about it for a minute, a single minute, you selfish harpy! Obviously, gym class placement should be consideration number one! I mean... BOTH middle and high school! You bitch!

Better give her a normal girl's name like Mackenzie or Jaylee or Carrington!

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I'm due in 3 weeks. If it's a girl - Mekenzie Jordyn, if it's a boy - Rowan Meaghan

Me, Kenzie. You, Mr. Bean.

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I like normal names like:
Lilliana

Lynna

Miranda (I can't believe I just typed that)

Beverlee

Liana

Zorah

Baylie

Nikola

I don't know about picking normal names, frankly. Wouldn't want the kid to be the 3rd Baylie in the class. She'd be Baylie R. for years!

And you're a dirty whore for liking a WEIRD name like Miranda.

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How about Adrienne Claire? Or Fleur Jade?

Isn't Fleur Jade that dim sum place down the street?

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For the last 50 years, my family has been naming their children after Southwestern Ontario cities. My brother is Barrie, my sister is Kingston, and my cousin is Markham. I am due in two weeks (it'll be a girl) and I'm thinking about naming her either York or Orillia. What do others think?

I think it's time for a nuclear strike against Ottawa.

(Reader Tom wrote in to suggest that she branch out to include other provinces and name her after this town named Dildo, the single greatest town in Newfoundland, or perhaps anywhere else. (Warning - link may not be work-safe if you work for your local parish.)

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Please help me out for a girl: Madison Belle or Mekenzie Jordyn

I thought Madison Belle was the river boat in Huck Finn.

Update! Reader Beth adds Madison Bell is Erika Christensen's, um, shall we say, assertive character in the teen version of Fatal Attraction: Swimfan. I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know if boiled bunnies come into play, but apparently she's not very nice.

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I am thinking of naming my son Macques.

Rest of the name: Macaque Attack.

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Ryland is what I am thinking of naming the baby, but I need a middle name. It is hard to find one to go with it.... please help!

How 'bout Uber Alles?

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I'm a 18-year-old mother, and my twin daughters (they are now almost 2 years old) are named Vanessa Aisleigh and Maya Reese. My other favorite names are:
Girls: Ashton, Lexi, Elisa, Morganne, Madeleine, Shoanie, Kendel

Boys: Reed, Jack, Cortlend, Dane

I hope that all of the teenagers out there realize what they are doing before they do it. Even though I love my daughters, I made a mistake that will change my life forever.

And I bet the kids appreciate the sentiment. But if teens are reading baby naming bulletin boards, it's already WAY too late.

Shoanie? No child should be named after a midwestern sub-Denny's chain!

Cortlend. Latin. Def: The cortl to end all cortls.

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...and finally

Anyone ever thought about Sierra Joy? I love the name, but husband is less than thrilled with it.

But he'll love the pine-fresh scent!