Bad Baby Names, Part IX: Bad Baby Names From You!

Part IX: Bad Baby Names From You!

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I have come across two names that had me scratching my head recently. One was a bank teller's name - Sharmonica. Another was the name of a customer - Cherith. Sounds like she has a speech impediment, doesn't it?

Update! Reader Allison points out Cherith is in the Bible. It's not the name of a person, however, but the name of the brook God commands Elijah to go sit and wait by. (1 Kings 17:3) As he hides there, God sends ravens twice a day to bring him food. After a while, the brook dries up and God tells Elijah to move on to a widow's house. Then, to add to God's "Simon Says" game with Elijah, he orders him to go talk to Ahab. Then they outfit the Pequod with mighty harpoons and start seeking the white whale. (OK, I made up that last part.)

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And here's my unique name story. A sweet, wonderful, elderly couple we once shared a house with for a short time, Wade and Maxine, had only one daughter, so they decided to name her after *both* parents...

Yes, you guessed it, her name is Wadine.

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Someone here on base is named Deanne. Now, wouldn't you think it's pronounced Dee-Ann since that's exactly how pretty much everyone named Dee-Ann spells it? But no, it's Dee-nah.

Sometimes names are frustrating.

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Ha, that reminds me of a guy my husband went to school with... Keni (pronouned Kee-na)...go figure :)

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(The mom in the following post complained, wanting it removed. She complained I was violating her copyright, which I disagree with - it's fair use if it's for critique. I even offered to put her individual copyright on the post. She complained to my hosting company instead, so to prevent any further problems, this one is no longer a direct quote; I'm paraphrasing.)

I didn't enjoy the bad baby names pages because the first one I saw was D'Artagnan, which is the name of my son. His nickname is "Tag," so we don't think the name's difficult pronunciation is an issue. Most children seem not to notice his unique name, but adults can be rude. When I was a child, many other children had the same name as me, which I didn't like. I accept not everyone likes my choices of names, but I am upset when I think they are being rude.

My children's names are Bayne, Quillon, Griffon, and D'Artagnan.

Now I have to interject that it is interesting to hear from someone whose kid's name (or rather, whose naming of their kid) I've poked fun at. And I'm interested to hear further reasons from this writer why she went so far as to give her kids names so different they will never, ever meet anyone with the same name, ever, let alone have to suffer through being Quillon G.

Seriously, if you're out there, I really want to know how you found these names, what the other candidates were, and how your family and others react to them. What sort of things do they do that are mean, and did you anticipate this, or were you caught off guard?

'Cause I know I'm just continuing the cycle of meanness, but they sound like houses from Hogwarts to me.

And on the topic of being a Jane R., I once had a class in which there were two Dianas (including me), two Dianes, a Deena, a Dana and a Diandra, out of a class of 30. Seeing as this was gym class, though, I loved it, because it made it hard to keep track of us, so I could disappear for an hour and avoid yet another lifeless game of softball without getting in trouble.

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LOL... I was wondering if I would find my daughters' names.

Carolyn

Mama to Avellana

Merryn

Liadan

Reader Kathryn wrote in from Spain after doing the research I was far too lazy to do. In Spanish, Avellana means two things: As a noun, it means "hazelnut." As a verb, it means "he / it countersinks."

Those two ideas paint such a wonderful absurdist picture, I'm sure Salvador Dali is somehow behind it.

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Let's discuss the concept of naming your kid after where they're conceived, shall we?

(Answer: We shall!)

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  If I'd named 'em for where they were most likely conceived, well, Paula would have to be called "Mt. Graham" for the camping trip my husband and I were on... and Joe? Well, I think Joe would now be named, ahem, Ford! (blushing furiously here!)

  
  

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  Okay, if we're going with truth in advertising.... My eldest would be "Billiards," my middle child would be "Gramma's-house-on-Christmas-Eve," and my youngest would be "Trampoline". :-O
  

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I had a friend named Bell whose parents nearly gave her the first name of Liberty. Fortunately, wiser heads prevailed.

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Awww.... Stone wasn't even on there! LOL! :)

Tracy, proud momma to Stone and Emmelia

I'll add it if you explain how your daughter's name is pronounced. I came up with four or five ways (all of them pretty, don't get me wrong.)

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I should set up an Internet business selling UK placenames to idiot parents-to-be. Nottingham Forest (except you'd spell that Forrest). Preston... oh, that's already commonplace. Prestatyn then? Rhyll? Formby? Whitby?

But British names make people sound so cultured and classy! That's what I tell my son Milton Keynes and my daughter, Berwick-on-Tweed.

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A friend of mine worked in a hospital, and would check the nursery every day for names - he has a list a mile and a half long - my favorite that I remember was "Espe Do Wop Jones!"

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A lady in my exercise class announced that they were thinking of the name Drake. Without even thinking (and really, I wasn't sarcastic at all), I said "Like a male duck?" She didn't really talk to me after that, and that is what they named him.

And then there's my friend at work. She tells me that her brother had a baby girl and named her Wren. I said "like and Stimpy?" She laughed and said that that was what all the 15-30 year olds in the family asked, and then explained that it was like the bird. Apparently, my friend's mother went on a 20-minute rant on the plane about it - "everyone will call her Birdie" etc., and then found out the woman next to her was named Birdie - oops!

I keep trying to remember a name that had us in stitches when I worked for a mortgage company. It was a biology term that was pretty awful, but I can't remember what it was. There was a Kaliope (which I HOPE was Calliope), every single misspelling that you can imagine for every name.

I also went to school with a guy whose middle name was Jerome and insisted that it was pronounced Jeremy, and the Sherry who insisted it was pronounced Cheri (as in the French word).

C - who thought she was picking less common, older names and now knows four 4-year-olds with the same name as my four-year-old, and the doctor's office has 4 other patients with the same first and last name of my second.

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I see MY kids' names on there! I can see it now..."Connor? Logan? and where the heck did they get MCKENNA??!!

Deanna (pronounced Dena - my mom couldn't get a name right, either!)

This one gave me pause for a second, 'cause I thought it was an ex-boyfriend's aunt. But no, it's just eerily close; her kids are Keegan, Logan, and McKenna. Two out of three, and number three is pretty close.

And yes, I really do want to know where people are getting McKenna.

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Just to show names do matter, a young man named Crovosier Carpenter, a Seattle native, hijacked the #42 bus and got it up to 75 mph on city streets, hitting 5 cars before running off the road. At his court appearance, he blamed his actions on the "shrem" he had been smoking. (cigarettes dipped in embalming fluid)

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I was born in the early 60's and went to school with a bunch of kids named Jennifer, Denise, Matt, and Mike. My sister was born in the late 60's and went to school with kids named Rain, Autumn, Mountain, Tree (I do not jest!), and Orion. Better access to drugs in 1968 than in 1962 is responsible for this change, I guess...

What interests me is that the new round of names (at least among the 30/40-somethings I know naming babies now) have an incredible number of syllables and the sound of a family name, where no family name may exist -- Not Henry (that was so 1995!), but Harrison, not Gary (who would name a kid "Gary"?), but Garrison. There is Jackson, Jefferson, Jamison, Jerrison... WHEN WILL IT END???

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I know a couple who were considering the name "Fritha" if their baby was a girl. A family friend commented, "what are they -- Vikings?" Turns out this is a real name, but it's still absurd.

And I just found out another couple I know named their baby girl "Montana." The dad's from there, but that is NO EXCUSE!

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My aunt will kill me for posting this...

Here's what she named her kids: Bow Hunter Blake Lydell Marshall Cody

All of 'em are boys.

Is your aunt married to Ted Nugent? 'Cause if not, I bet he'd be happy to adopt Bow Hunter.

This town was mighty lawless 'til Marshall Cody come to town.

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Sadly, this is a true story. A young (very young) girl had a baby in the hospital where a friend of mine works as a nurse. The nurse asked the young girl for the baby's name for the birth certificate. The girl replied that the baby's name would be (pronounced) Ah-shol-ee. The nurse wasn't sure how to spell it, so of course she asked the young mom to spell it for her. A-S-S-H-O-L-E. Asholey is how she's saying it, but that's how she wanted it spelled. My friend turned to this young girl's mom, showed her the paper, and said, "This is how your daughter wants to spell the baby's name." The mom said it was fine. They would not change their mind. Apparently there is a little girl living in Connecticut named Asshole.

This has all the hallmarks of an urban legend, but since "Asshole" for "Ah-shol-ee" is tame compared to some of the other spellings, I'm keeping it in.

Update! Reader Melissa points out that while Asshole is probably an urban legend, "ah-sho-lay" is pretty close to a real name: Sholeh ("sho-lay") is a Middle Eastern name, from the Farsi word for "flame." And, in my opinion, it's also really pretty. If, of course, you have some sort of connection with the Middle East, and aren't adopting the "random word" naming technique.