Bad Baby Names, Part 12: Bad combos

Part 12: Bad combos



Along with reports of bad baby names (almost always from distressed teachers or concerned sisters-in-law), my email is filled with reports of people who gave their kids a name that was fine... until it was combined with their last name, resulting in comedy.

Granted, they aren't bad baby names, but definitely keep with the tradition of "should have known better."

Some have seeped into the realm of urban legend. Sometimes the stories behind the spottings are wrong or can't be proven, but each and every name has nevertheless been confirmed real.

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My mother also used to work as a secretary for a large railroad in Texas, and she was the one who was doing the charts of who was staying and who was leaving after the merger. She came across a guy named Harold Bahls. I hope he didn't go by Harry.

Danielle in Texas

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My mother's neighbors in the "old" neighborhood:

Last name: Warner. Baby boy's first name: Luke. (Not Lucas.) And in keeping with always choosing a "Tibetan" middle name for their children: Skye. Luke Skye Warner. When I asked, they swore they had never even SEEN any of the Star Wars movies. Yeah, right.

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Not a baby, but my professor in college had the worst name. I didn't catch it at first, then it sank in... Dr. Harry Fullwood. Honest!

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There's a strong hitter in the Cleveland Indians' farm club named Angel Bastardo.

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Hi, I have a couple of names for you. The first one was the brother of a friend of mine in high school. Their last name was Tush. (pronounced Tuhsh) His name was Harry, but if someone didn't know how to pronounce their last name, it would end up being pronounced like that of someone with a hairy backside.

The other names were a brother and sister I once met. His name was Braxton Splan (sounds like a good German dish), and her name was Elspeth Splan. Poor kid was going to spit on people all of her life whenver she introduced herself. ;)

Harry Tush (a different Harry Tush, mind you) is credited with co-writing the song Oh! You La! La! (with Lew Brown and Ed Moran) in 1918. I am dying to find the lyrics, just to know what the heck the title means.

While looking for Elspeth Splan, the first item I found was for traditional Scottish harpist Elspeth Smellie. She's available for concerts and events in the Scottish borders region. (She played when the Dalai Lama visited Scotland! That is about the coolest mixing of cultures I can think of!)

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From the obits page: "Virgin Person." Female (of course!). Age 85.

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The Archbishop of Manila is Jaime Lachica Sin. He was made an archbishop in 1972, but was elevated four years later, making him: Cardinal Sin!

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The parents of an acquaintance of mine named her kid Mercedes... their last name is Binns.

Confirmed! And how was it confirmed? S/he (I'm still not sure which) was named to the second All-American Pop Warner team in 1999, as listed on the Web site of a person frequently mentioned in emails to this site: Dick Butkus!

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Anyways I am not sure if this counts, but my best friend's little brother is named Harry Cox III. The thing that impresses me the most, he isn't Harry Cox the 1st, Little Harry Cox Junior, he is Harry Cox the THIRD! His name is like an urban legend around here. Whenever I mention my friend's little brother, they all say "You actually KNOW Harry Cox???" Like it is like knowing Santa Claus.

- Nicole

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Somewhere a few months ago, I got an email about a guy on an HGTV program named Timber Dick. Soon afterwards on my first, pop-up heavy bulletin board, intrepid reader Bob gave us the lowdown on Timber Dick, and I followed up with some research.

Timber Dick has a brother-in-law named Dick Swett, who has served as a Congressman from New Hampshire as well as U.S. Ambassador to Denmark. Each married a daughter of Tom Lantos, who represented California's 12th District in the U.S. House of Representatives for 27 years, before passing away in Feb. 2008. Lantos, who was profiled in the Oscar-winning film The Last Days, escaped from a Nazi labor camp as a teenager, and joined the Hungarian underground - he was the only Holocaust survivor to serve in Congress. Between his two daughters and their respective Dicks, he had 17 grandchildren. I voted for him twice.

And there's even more political connections - Dick's mother, Nancy, was Colorado's first female lieutenant governor.

Sadly, Timber Dick passed away in April '08 from burns he sustained in a car crash.

Update!: Not one, but two of Timber Dick's kids have contacted me saying yep, he's real, and a great dad. Turns out he and his brother-in-law were roommates, and both families have a penchant for unconventional names. Included in their combined clans are Keaton, Levi, Chanteclaire, Tomicah, Charity, Kismet, Atticus, Kimber, Zenith, Sunday, and Sunny.

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My supervisor's fiancée's name is Misty Bush. His last name is Green. If she hyphenates her name after the marriage, it will be Misty Green-Bush!

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I went to school with a girl named Sally Mullallay.

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I'm a prosecutor. I had a defendant on my caseload named Harry Beaver. As if that isn't bad enough... he was the 4th generation of Harry Beavers. Evil parents, I tell you... naming your child Harry Beaver IV. It's just not right.

I found at least 49 Harold Beavers listed in the phone book in the U.S. And before you even ask, there are at least 190 Mike Hunts in the U.S., including at least one in Beaverton, OR; 32 Mike Hocks; and two guys named Mike Rotch.

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Writes Angie:


I was calling in our town to ask people to sign a petition. One of the names on my list was "Mr. Odor." Not wanting to offend, I asked if I could speak to Mr. Oh-dor (trying to stress the "oh"). He said, "No, it's "odor" like a smell." I told him I could understand his having to explain, my maiden name was Herford, which is a type of cow. He told me, "That's nothing. My first name is Ivan!" Ivan Odor. How mean was that?

By the way, my great-grandmother's name was Clara Herford, and my grandmother is Isabelle Herford. I was dating a guy with the last name of Mazure, but becoming a Herford-Mazure would have put me over the edge. I'd been mooed at enough!!

I both confirmed Ivan Odor AND confirmed he lives near enough Angie for me to believe her story. (Aren't White Pages wonderful?)

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You reminded me... I went to school with Pete Maas and Candy Kane.

Pete Maas - MIT graduate, Physics lecturer, University of Strathclyde

Candy Kane - asst. swimming coach at Niagara University

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Recent Immigrants to Canada find that fine and proper names in their homeland do not go over so well in Canada.

A teacher friend of mine always brings up her favourite: a lovely little girl from South Asia, who will likely be changing her name, or entering a post-traumatic stress disorder clinic, from all the teasing she'll get in about grade 5 or so.

The poor thing's name: Rammit Deep.

A. Quinn, Toronto

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My friend's father works with a guy named Richard Glasscock.

Apparently, his "friends" do, indeed, call him "Dick."

-- Steve

I found no fewer than 18 Richard Glasscocks in the U.S.

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I don't know this firsthand, but I know several people who claimed they went to school (all of them lived in the same area) with a girl named Edith Mycock. Some of them didn't learn much in school, but they never forgot that name.

Confirmed! It's probably not the same one, but I found an Edith Mycock in Britain. She's in charge of accomodations at Lower Berkamsytch Farm, Bottom House (quit laughing!) near Leek (I mean it!) in England's Peak District. The farm has cottages for rent if you feel like staying on a (and I quote) "small stock rearing farm" which, being a city person, I assume means they raise baby sheep and teach them to drive in NASCAR rallies.

Or maybe Edith Mycock is just what they tell snide Yank tourist city wankers like myself.