Bad Baby Names, Part 11: Even More Bad Names From You!

Part 11: Even More Bad Names From You!


In this edition, we put on our sleuthin' hat and take a closer look at some of the amazing names submitted by readers. Can we separate fact from fiction? Will we be able to determine what is joke and what is real? Can Batman escape the Penguin in time? There's only one way to find out!

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My former roommate had a girlfriend named Luv Seamon. Actually, her full name was Luv Joy Seamon.

Confirmed! Looks like she went to Emory.

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I worked in Human Resources for a company with stores in the south. I did come across some interesting names, and I swear these are true.

One girl was named DeVodka. I always wondered if it came up in conversation like "How did you let yourself get pregnant?" "Well I guess it was de vodka" "Hey, sounds like a nice name!"

Also, there was a Velveeta too. Maybe she had a sister named Brie?

I'm having trouble finding a Velveeta, but considering how many emails I got from people personally attesting to having met a Velveeta, I'd say it's true. (And if it weren't for the processed cheese-food angle, it's sort of pretty in its own way.)

I can, however, totally confirm the existence of Mrs. Devodka Warren of North Carolina.

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When I was in college, I worked for two years for the District of Columbia Department of Public Welfare in the Public Assistance Division as a summer employee. My supervisor's name was Quo Vadis Jones. Mrs. Jones was a middle-aged married woman who supervised about 40 social workers who administered Aid to Dependent Children programs. I do not know what her maiden name was, but it would be interesting to know. Her name prompted me to go out and read the book of that name.

I couldn't locate this Quo Vadis Jones, but I did find ANOTHER Quo Vadis Jones. Mrs. Jones was a native of Hannibal, Mo., (yes, she lived in a town that was also named after something anciently Roman), and worked as the cafeteria manager at Pettibone School for 20 years. She passed away in 2000 at the age of 91, leaving behind a goodly sized family, including 15 great-grandchildren and a great-great grandchild.

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#1: The other horror someone I know told me of was a lady a friend's mom knew growing up. Nancy Ann. That's okay, right?

Nancy Ann Seancey. And she never went by just Nancy, as if Nancy Seancey wouldn't be bad enough. Nancy-ancy-ancy.

#2: The mayor of Providence, RI, was Vincent "Buddy" Cianci, until recently. (indictment / trial / conviction) And his ex-wife's name (as I have heard) was Nancy Ann. I wonder if she just went by Mrs. Buddy, or if she enjoyed being Nancy Ann Cianci.

"Seancey" and "Seancy" are pretty uncommon last names, but it is possible there is a Nancy Ann Seancey out there. There definitely is at least one Nancy Cianci out there, but she is not the former wife of Providence mayor Buddy Cianci, who was found guilty of one count of racketeering conspiracy in June 2002.

Thanks to reader Marjorie for confirming / adding to Cianci lore I hit in the course of my research: namely that

a) Buddy assaulted his then-wife Sheila's alleged lover in 1984 with (according to the Providence Journal) "a lit cigarette, a fireplace log, and an ashtray," forcing his resignation. He was re-elected in 1990.

b) Local tales say the lit cigarette wound was to a VERY private male area;


c) (Unsubstantiated) Rumors also say Mayor Buddy's attack ended with him peeing on his foe;

d) The NYC Fringe Festival production of 'Buddy Cianci: The Musical' was lacking in all things, including pee lore. And quality.

OK, enough with my fascination with corrupt city officials. Back to the names!

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I had a friend who did his pediatrics residency at a largely indigent hospital in Memphis, and kept a list of his favourite baby names. I wish I could remember more of them, but the funniest family was the White family, with children Purest and Snowy. I seem to recall a third child, Bright or something like that.

There were the usual stupid-spelling names like Antwaan, and the best all-round stupid name of something along the lines of Tom Jones Junior III, whose father was Tom Jones Junior II, grandfather was Tom Jones Junior and great-grandfather was Tom Jones.

I liked the anagrammatic twins Lakeesha and Lasheeka.

I couldn't find Purest, Snowy, and Bright (even after I checked the laundry detergent aisle!), but I did find a lot of people have cats named Snowy and Bright. (no Purests, though) Nor could I find the twins or Tom Jones Junior III; however, I did find someone named Robert Trent Jones Junior II who designed a golf course at a resort on Hainan island, China. His cousin, maybe?

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I have some friends, Larry and Wanda. Their boys are Dary from the last two letters of each, and Larwan from the first three letters of each...

Searches for 'Dary' turn up a lot of pages in Czech. If anyone knows what it means, let me (and Larry and Wanda) know.

Update! Jennifer (Zhenia) Olson of the University of Toronto Department of Slavic Languages and Literatures writes:

"Dary" in Czech is the plural form of "dar." A "dar" can be a gift, a handout, or a talent for something.

I did actually find some information on Dary and Larwan themselves: Their dad helped start an all-deaf students soccer team when they were kids, and Larwan plays for Gallaudet. Dary is a high-achieving student who got to meet the governor's wife.

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I have a distant relative [Tom] whose father's name is Pershing. When said Tom and his wife had a child, they named her Pershelle Adrienne. Pershelle. This tiny, blond girl. We were all hoping they'd call her Adrienne, but no. "Love, Tom, Sharon, and Pershelle." I hope she insists on going by Perry or something once she can speak.

Not confirmed, but Pershell is often a last name.

And then, some.. special.. names around campus / work:

Ashtia [Ashtia Jewell.]
Confirmed! And she's done musical comedy!

Caysie / Kacie

Arwen
Either her parents are Tolkien fans or she's a Liv Tyler fan.

Kayti / Caity
According to Google, there are over a thousand 'Katyi's.

Bard [He's faculty. w00t. Bard Suvakrop. Being an opera singer, I guess it's okay to have a name like Bard.]
Actually, it's Suverkrop. He's a bass.

Tobin Moss [No, HE doesn't have a hobbit name.]

Golder [also faculty]

Jennipher and Stefanie [sisters]
According to Google, there are slightly more 'Jenniphers' than Katyis, but not by much.


Laynard [except he's actually Alan. and goes by Laynard.]
I've found some Laynards, mostly as a last name or a misspelling of "lanyard."


Brunetta
Not an uncommon Italian last name, described as "extremely rare" as a first name by a French baby naming site.

Zaq [actually Zachary, not Zaiquiri.]

Sloane-Rachael
Confirmed! and she's.... another one into musical theater! (I'm detecting a pattern. Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be theatre geeks.)

Edrie [faculty]

Shahaadah
Disqualified! 'Shahaadah' is the first pillar of Islam, where you testify Allah is God and Mohammad his true prophet. So obviously, for a Muslim, this is a beautiful and meaningful name. (like a Christian being named "Faith") But for a white guy from Ottawa - very, very silly.

Update! We've heard back from our operative at Shenandoah University who reports Shahaadah is a Christian, complete with WWJD bracelet. So we can put this one back in the WTF column.

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Your website is a piece of work! I howled. I wet my pants laughing. If they gave Pulitzers for funny websites, you'd be the hands-down favorite. The names are bad enough, but your comments are what really make the site. Where does this stuff come from? Are you on drugs? Do you sleep under a pyramid? I'm sending your site's URL to all my emapcipated female friends AND my three children, one of whom has already produced Kestrel Rain who, oddly enough, does sound a bit like a hawk when she screeches.

Answers: Hell no, and sometimes. Thanks.

Meanwhile, I can confirm another Kestrel Rain, this one a boy - maybe they could marry! Actually, Kestrel is his middle name. His first name is Cadao. Searches for "Cadao" turn up many sites in Vietnamese, which I don't speak. If you've got any information, drop me a line.

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My grandmother's first name was Birdelle. Apparently her mother let the doctor name her, and that's what he picked. (I really don't know which part of that sentence is worse.) ...

Incidentally, I have heard of exactly one other instance of this name. Turns out my husband had a great-aunt named Birdelle, so it wasn't completely made up as I had always assumed.

Nope, Birdelle is a real name. I can't track down its origin, but judging from ages and dates, it appears to have waned in popularity around the turn of the last century.

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I heard the daughter of the man behind Lear aviation was named Shanda Lear.

True! For once, it's not an urban legend. Ms. Lear is a multi-talented woman; her Web site details her life as an entertainer, motivational teacher, business woman, and lactation consultant. She has a new CD out called Dancin' and Romancin' where she sings some old romantic standards. (And before you ask, yes, she has done an album of "flying themed" songs.)

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The principal at Cherry Hill High School was named Richard Head, I would have loved to have gone to that school. "My principal is a Dick Head, really!!"

I can't find any former Cherry Hill High School principals named Richard Head, but there are plenty of other Richard Heads out there: I found 51 Richard Heads listed in 24 states. (not counting past Richard Heads, such as Richard Head Welles, father of Orson)

The Dick Head capital of the U.S. is Tennessee. It has 7.

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I used to teach 4th graders. Best names: twins named "Daryl" and "LaDaryl," and a boy called "Loinsworth." I am not making this up!

I can't confirm Daryl and LaDaryl being twins, but I've found families with both names. I can't find evidence of anyone crazy enough to give their kids the first name Loinsworth, but it is a real last name. Someone, somewhere, got an idea in their head, and that's when the evil started.

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When I was working in the Career Services of my undergraduate University, we of course had files on everyone who had come in looking for work. (which was just about everyone at some point) We were privy to a lot of really odd names. Anyway, when I was working through a day of 'pre interviews' ... I suddenly realized I was faced with a bad bad name to try to call out in a crowded room: Kynda Boring. Giving her the benefit of a doubt, I called out with the pronunciation "Kin-da," and left the last name off. She corrected me as she came into the interview room, "No, it's pronounced 'Kind-a'." Ooooook, I just left it at that and suppressed my internal laughter and did the interview. I was filing paperwork later in the day and came across her name in the files, and lo and behold, there's a twin sister there. Her name was ..... Michelle.

Can't find Kynda Boring, but in searching, I found many Michelle Borings, my favorite being one who plays (played) on a softball team with Sunny Bush and a Kenyotta.

To be fair, I've met not one, but multiple people with the last name Boring, and know they take enough crap to know, generally, not to call their kids Kynda.

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Some names from my daughter's classmates:

Summerlee (ick)

Casara (casserole??)

Kyrie (yup, as in Elaison)

Nacole (pronounced NAY-cole)

And my all-time very favorite ----

NIKI RICARDO!!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHHAAA!

Confirmed used as first names: Summerlee, Nacole.

Kyrie, as in "Kyrie Eleison," Greek for "Lord have mercy," which is invoked in Catholic and especially Eastern rites, seems to be slowly gaining popularity, whether the parents know what it means or not. (Somehow, I blame Kylie Minogue for this.)

I also found Casara. She's the Civil Air Search and Rescue Association, Canada's volunteer emergency aviation squad. Good for her!

Unconfirmed (to my great shame): Niki Ricardo.

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#1: When I worked as a paralegal, I had to review some really old contracts. There was a family named Christmas, with several children, including a daughter named Mary. Mary grew up and went on to get married. Her married name: Mary Christmas Holliday.

#2 I'd like to point out that parents can be atrocious with normal names, too. I knew an accountant in Chicago a few years back named Mary Chris Smith.

Partly confirmed! Mary Chris Smith is working with the SLA! (That's the Showmen's League of America, a carnival / circus organization, not the Symbionese Liberation Army.) This may or may not be the same Mary Chris Smith who graduated Ole Miss in 1986. (Mary, if you're out there, the alumni association's looking for you!)

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I know of a lady who named her darling little child Mikayleigh. The girl is now 4, and her name is still longer than she is tall.

Also, in my line of work (I'm a 911 dispatcher), I occasionally see interesting names pop up on my screen. My most memorable? "LaPleasure." I am not making this up.

Mikayleigh = confirmed!

LaPleasure = also a beach in Ghana, and (surprise!) a porn index.