Jack Bauer won Monopoly with one house on Baltic.

Jack Bauer Facts!

I'll post these in parts of about 100 each, haha.

1. In Con Air, Nicolas Cage says: "There are only two men I trust. One is me and the other's not you." The other person is Jack Bauer.
2. In second grade, Jack Bauer sent the teacher to the principal's office.
3. Jack Bauer got Tyler Durden to talk about Fight Club. Then Jack beat the piss out of him.
4. Kiefer Sutherland smokes cigarettes. Jack Bauer smokes terrorists.
5. On Halloween, Jack Bauer always has candy because no one tricks Jack Bauer.
6. Every time someone gets their ass kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
7. When Jack Bauer sees a crime, he doesn't call for backup; he calls a coroner.
8. When Jack Bauer says "DAMN IT," God actually damns someone.
9. Jack Bauer prefers windows... doors are for women, children, and people he kicks through them.
10. After being framed for David Palmer's murder, Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer. Not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
11. Jack Bauer tortures foreigners into speaking in English.
12. What do you call Jack Bauer with no arms or legs in the middle of a lake? Extremely dangerous.
13. Jack's PC repairs its own errors when he types a secret password: "Son of a b*tch."
14. Jack Bauer doesn't just think 'outside of the box.' He breaks out of it. And sometimes, he has to sneak into the box just to break back out.
15. 75% of Earth is covered by water. The other 25% is covered by Jack Bauer.
16. They should change CTU to CBU: Counting on Bauer Unit.
17. Contrary to popular belief, Kobe Bryant did not get Shaquille O'Neal traded to the Miami Heat. In fact, Shaq asked to be traded as far away from L.A. as possible, fearing that Jack Bauer will see the movie Kazaam and think that O'Neal is Middle Eastern.
18. If Jack Bauer wants to have a minute alone with you... well, basically you're f*cked.
19. For every result you get during a Google search, Jack Bauer tortured someone to get it up there.
20. Jack Bauer's Tic Tacs don't make noise in his pocket.
21. The reason we sleep well at night is because Jack Bauer doesn't.
22. Jack Bauer doesn't make mistakes. He makes more chances to kill.
23. Natural selection only works because Jack Bauer personally kills all the weak creatures. Jack Bauer does not tolerate weakness.
24. Jack Bauer managed to get a second bag of peanuts from the flight attendant even though the airline does not serve peanuts.
25. Many believe the 24 video game is unfun, as Jack cannot get hurt and kills all terrorists with one shot. The makers of the game simply state that they want to be a simulation of Jack's life.
26. Justin Gatlin tied the 100m world record this year because Jack Bauer was after him.
27. As a fetus, Jack Bauer went from conception to full term in only 24 hours, after which he shot his way out of the womb.
28. The chief export of Jack Bauer is dead terrorists.
29. Jack Bauer once donated blood to a hospital. The doctors realized that no man could ever receive Jack Bauer's blood directly. They had do something with it, though. This is why we now have steroids.
30. If Jack Bauer says "Dammit!" more than once in a 24-hour period, don't be in L.A.
31. If your wife is having sex with Jack Bauer, pray to God that she gets pregnant.
32. Nobody speaks while Jack Bauer speaks, which is why the entire world is silent for approximately 1 hour on Mondays.
33. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the A-Team, AND the Ghostbusters all have Jack Bauer lunchboxes.
34. Life is like a box of chocolates, unless Jack Bauer is torturing your ass and you want to die. Then life is like a box of sh*t.
35. Jack Bauer turns his regular bathtub into a jacuzzi simply by intimidating the water until it begins trembling in fear.
36. There is only one thing that Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar. It begins with a "K" and ends with "ILL."
37. Jack Bauer was only wrong once, and that was when he thought he was wrong, but he was actually right.
38. "Panic! At the Disco" was originally called "At the Disco." Then Jack Bauer showed up.
39. Jack Bauer's high school counselor told him to "shoot for the stars." Jack Bauer has now destroyed over 1,216 stars using only a pistol.
40. The United States government does not cover up the existence of aliens, they cover up the fact that Jack Bauer has killed them all.
41. Jack Bauer won Monopoly with one house on Baltic.
42. Jack Bauer told Elvis to leave the building.
43. Saddam wasn't found by the military. He heard Jack Bauer was coming and turned himself in.
44. Jack Bauer spells "idiot" L-o-g-a-n.
45. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An apple a day does not keep Jack Bauer away, it gets you shot. Jack Bauer loves apples. Don't eat Jack Bauer's apples.
46. There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
47. If Jack thought twice about killing you, then you're already dead.
48. Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he's gone.
49. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jack Bauer.
50. Jack Bauer knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
51. If Jack Bauer was on the Titanic, the icebergs would have moved out of the way.
52. Jack Bauer won two awards on Sunday at the Screen Actors Guild awards. One for best actor in a drama series, and another for baddest motherf*cker on earth.
53. Jack Bauer once thought he'd saved the world with 61 seconds to spare. Then he found his watch was a minute fast.
54. There is no Santa Claus because Jack Bauer didn't get what he asked for when he was five.
55. Superman has two weaknesses: kryptonite and Jack Bauer.
56. The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.
57. Jack Bauer always goes for it on 4th down.
58. There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's Jack Bauer.
59. Superman once hid behind Jack Bauer in a fire-fight.
60. Charmin attempted to put out a "Jack Bauer Toilet Paper." It had to be recalled because Jack Bauer takes sh*t from nobody.
61. Jack Bauer wires a flash bang to his alarm clock every night before bed.
62. Jack Bauer fell asleep during the movie Mission Impossible. To Jack, there is no mission impossible.
63. Jack Bauer goes from 0-to-kill in less than 3 seconds.
64. Rudolph the red nosed reindeer... did not have a red nose until Jack Bauer pistol-whipped his ass.
65. When God said "Let there be light," Jack Bauer said "Say please."
66. When Jack Bauer opens a pack of Twix, there are three.
67. There are no natural disasters in California. Except for earthquakes. This is because the earth trembles in fear of Jack Bauer.
68. Jack Bauer killed Kenny. They didn't call him a b*stard afterwards.
69. When the other Boy Scouts were tying knots, Jack Bauer was defusing nukes.
70. Jack Bauer's voice can be heard in the new Apple commercial. Bill Gates immediately switched to a Mac.
71. Jesus wears a T-shirt that says "Jack Bauer is my homeboy."
72. "Have it your way" wasn't a slogan at Burger King until Jack Bauer came in. Jack Bauer f*cking hates tomatoes.
73. Jack Bauer, cashing in on his super-power ability to get to anywhere in L.A. in 15 minutes, is the employee of the month at Domino's... for 5 years straight.
74. Jack Bauer invented the Jedi Mind trick. His only needed two words: "Trust me."
75. You can run, but you can't hide. Unless Jack Bauer is after you... then you can't do either.
76. Jack Bauer isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Jack Bauer.
77. When a burning bush appears to Jack Bauer telling him what to do, Jack pisses out the flames. Jack listens to nobody.
78. Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
79. In grade school, young Jack Bauer once shot a kid while going for the final remaining seat in "Musical Chairs."
80. If Jack Bauer says "Sh*t," you say "What shape, Agent Bauer?"
81. Jack Bauer once shot off a man's penis during an interrogation. He later apologized, not realizing that regular men only have one penis.
82. The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because Jack Bauer is on its tail.
83. The soup Nazi gives Jack Bauer extra crackers.
84. Only a nuclear explosion can change Jack's mind.
85. Jack Bauer can make a man-purse look cool.
86. Jack Bauer had to kill his first girlfriend. She was sick of being on the bottom during sex -- but Jack wouldn't compromise on his positions. Jack Bauer never compromises his position.
87. Jack Bauer cannot be linked to Kevin Bacon.
88. Jack Bauer can get 24 in Blackjack and still win. Jack doesn't bust until he feels like it.
89. The sound of Jack's voice can triple your testicle size. Just ask Petty Officer Rooney.
90. When E.T. phoned home, Jack Bauer answered.
91. By Season 8 of 24, Jack Bauer will have taken more human lives than he has saved. Whoever's left will throw a party to commemorate the occasion.
92. There's a reason why no one at Jack's elementary school ever played Cops and Robbers.
93. Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, unless Jack Bauer tells it to.
94. Jack Bauer doesn't need weapons, weapons need Jack Bauer.
95. Jack Bauer doesn't walk. The ground under him moves.
96. 80% of all stolen helicopters in the state of California are the direct result of Jack Bauer.
97. Mimes tell Jack Bauer who they work for.
98. Jack Bauer's bowels don't move. He sits on the toilet and scares the sh*t out of himself.
99. Grand Theft Auto doesn't have a 7 star wanted level. You don't want Jack Bauer after you, even in a video game.
100. Jack Bauer didn't invent torture, he perfected it.