Bad Baby Names, Part 14: Voyage to the Bottom of the BBS

Part 14: Voyage to the Bottom of the BBS


Time to return to our roots - baby naming boards.

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So what do you all think about Vegas Danielle??? Noone likes it, and my husband says I'm crazy. I really like it, but I don't want to name her that if everyone is just going to make fun of it. HELP!!!

My first entry here was "Well, I'm glad Peter Noone likes it, but how do the other Herman's Hermits feel?"

But reader Tigris thought this was a bit presumptuous of me, and suggested I write to Peter and find out what Noone REALLY thinks.

Noone wrote back right away. And sure enough, Noone likes it. In fact, that was his entire response: "I like it."

So now we have our answer! And we've had our very first celebrity guest appearance!

(Still no word on the other Hermits.)

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We have one daughter, Haley Matisse. We're trying to decide which girl name to use next....

The list we can agree on (at least to consider) follows:

*Alyssa

*Anneleise

*Caitlin

*Carrigan

*Gentry

*Makenna / McKenna

*Merrigan

*Mia

*Reese

We'd like to use Shaye, Grace, Raine, or Catherine as the middle name if possible.

Oh where to start!?

a) 20 bucks says if you asked Haley Matisse's mom, "Like the painter?", she'd have no clue what you were talking about. Much like Monet, it has become trendy.

b) She neglects the obvious names: Pablyn Picasso, Markenna Chagall, JoAhn Miro.

c) Merrigan is definitely a new one for me. I prefer Mexigan - it sounds so much more confused.

d) Gentry. (sigh.) MyddleKlas? Boodgewassey? (I'd suggest Hegemony, but I'm afraid someone will take me up on it.)

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Lucida Grande Zenobia for a girl (plus you can use Zoe, Bea, or Zen as nicknames) and Japheth for a boy (jay fit)

The Mocha Lucida Grande Zenobia - now available at Starbucks.

Helpful reader codeman38 points out little Lucy - oh, I'm sorry, is the most obvious nickname too common? - OK, little Rande is also the default font for Mac OSX. You can download her, as perverted as that sounds, here.

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I really like the name Giovanni for a girl, but it means John in English. We have not decided on a middle name yet, but are thinking about Page (my grandmother's maiden name), Sun (which means cheerful and calm), or Rose. (which my husband really likes)

The boy name that we have chosen is Dawson Alexander. What do you all think?

And another A+ for multicultural research. I just did a web search for "Giovanni baby name girl," and immediately got the feminine versions: Gianina and Giovanna.

Meanwhile, I think it's time to say a few words about gushing about a name's "meaning." Some meanings originate because the name evolved from real words (usually in a foreign language). And so their meanings are somewhat interesting.

And then some names have arbitrary meanings that for all I can tell were pulled out of a dead monkey's ass. For example, check out my good buddies the Kabalarians, who have insightful (cough) "meanings" for classy names like Beer and Toilet. I love the Kabalarians, because every one of their name analyses reads even more vague and general than the astrology listings in the newspaper.

And then some names don't have secret "meanings" because they are (dum dum DUM!) ALREADY WORDS. Sure, it'd be one hell of an irony if the name Sun meant "ugly fat pockmarked bastard," but I think it's a fair guess in English it means ... um ... wait, give me a second ... oh yeah, "sun." As in the giant ball of warmth and light that makes life possible for trees and flowers and baby bunnies and such.

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Recently spotted on bulletin boards:

Ramses

Willoughby

Real scary to me, but lots of people on the board thought they were "Wonderful!"

Well, it looks like someone missed this Spring's traditional showing of The Ten Commandments, probably because they were watching Sense & Sensibility again. But missed the scene where it's made clear Willoughby is the dashing cad's last name. Oh, and that Willoughby's a total bastard.

With more girls getting boys' names, and more boys getting wuss names, I'm thinking we're moving toward a society where men and women will be equal: a bunch of dainty nancies. It's names like Willoughby that give "Gay Mafia" conspiracy theorists food for thought.

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I am a new mother, just found out I was pregnant a couple of days ago, and my boyfriend has already thought of names, and I just wanted to see what other people thought about them. Tequila AnJanette and Angel Jade or Matthew Dillian.

I am the owner of a website that makes fun of bad baby names, and I've been at this for about a year and I really like run-on sentences that make me sound like I'm 14, and perhaps live in mid-Appalachia like in eastern Kentucky maybe, or western West Virginia, and have been on a meth jag for seven or eight days and haven't slept, and the walls are melting and sometimes the carpet starts talking to me and tells me to name my kids after the booze that helped conceive them, or maybe ugly trinkets like my mom collects from QVC.

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Let's play Spot the Issue. See if you can guess what my problems are going to be with the following essay in its abridged form.

(a) (My daughter) Wellsley is named for Wellesley College in Mass.

(b) I wanted to spell it with the middle "e," but we had close relatives "test-spell" it, and they repeatedly left out the "e."


(c) Understand that we live in [the antithesis of New England] where very few people have ever heard of the college.

(d) So, much to my personal disappointment, we decided to spell it Wellsley.

(e) I must say, I love my daughter's name,
(f) but I broke one of my golden rules by using a variant spelling, and I've regretted it ever since. ...

(g)One of my biggies

(h)and this is just a personal opinion,

(g cont.) is that variant spellings tend to look uneducated,

(i)and I have been concerned that my daughter will

(j) eventually broaden her horizons beyond [where we live] and she will


(k) appear to have a mother who didn't know how to spell "Wellesley."

... But here's the thing - - Wellsley starts kindergarten next fall.

(l)If ever the time is right to make the change, it's now. ... So, given all of that data, what would you do???"

Parts I have issue with (score along at home): (a) duh. (c) also duh. (d) half credit. (e) Oh, must you? (f) see d. (h) "I don't want to offend anyone by acting like I really disagree." (i) concerned? (j) wouldn't that be awful. (k) So it's all about you now? (l) So she's five, and you haven't taught her to write her name? Yep, I think now's the time to shut the barn door.

Other comments: (b) strikes me as a good idea. (d) gets half-credit because she's actually right, but doesn't put her foot down. (g) is entirely correct. Damn you, irony!

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The girls names my husband and I have decided on... ~ Legend Amaya ~ Malaijah (malaya) Jayne For boys, he and I have no clue. What do you think of these for first names? ~ Kamden ~ Raiden ~ Macen ~ Justice ~ Austin We like these for middle names........ ~ Clor ~ Ryo ~ Liam

I just spent 45 minutes under my desk shivering because of this one. I hope you're happy, little Malalalalaijah Raiden Clortrimiton!

(Side note: My boyfriend has just informed me Raiden is a Japanese thunder god, but is more commonly known in the West as a character from the Mortal Kombat games. Malalalalaijah Raiden Clortrimiton wins! FATALITY!!!!)

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Come on, everyone, it's Forehead Slapping Time!

Hit yourself hard enough, and you'll be as smart as these people!

Vienna - Does anyone like it? I thought it was kinda pretty. The little girl is 4 who has this name. It's an Italian name.... and I thought it was pretty. What do you guys think?

Among the responses:

• " It's a pretty name. I thought of Italy right when I saw it."
  
• " It's pretty... I think of Vienna, Italy - the place - right away"
  
• "It's kinda pretty, but it is very Italian-sounding, though."
  
• "Pretty name, thought of Switzerland instantly!!"
  
• "Not bad, but I do automatically think ... of Vienna sausages. Vienna is also a city in Austria, but I kind of like "place" names, so that works for me. I just can't get past the sausage reference."
  

Finally! A winner! (In a way.)

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Dakota Diane or Sequoia Rose??? I am trying to conceive and I would like your input on the names Dakota Diane and Seqouia Rose. I have 4 other children with somewhat unusual names... at least, my first two have unique names.

Their names are: Khassendra Keeliey-Morgan, Malachi Elzer, StevenJerald, Kegan Andrew

It's hypnotic. I can't stop looking at it. Khassendra. Keeliey. My God.... it's full of vowels!

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We already have an Emmet Moon and Gus (Gustav) Star (5-year-old twins) and Abe (Abraham) Kodiak. So what should Gus, Emmet and Abe's new sibling be called?

Is "The Plaintiff" already taken?

I was thinking of Silas Rain, Silas Jasper, or Jasper Rain for a boy and Hazel Rain, Hazel Sunshine, Pearl Magnolia, or Pearl Sunshine for a girl.. We chose (so far) Boys

1. Skyler Nicholas 2. Sawyer Angus ...

Girls 1. Sailor Catherine 2. Summer Judy 3. Sunday Mae (Sunday is a family name) 4. Sierra Rebekah 5. Shelby Chandra

Uh oh, I smell Deadheads! I hope there's enough room in the vanagon for the trip to the Phish concert in Waukeegan.

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We have a daughter, Payton Isabel and a son, Cade Andrew. We don't know the sex of the baby, but like unusual names. We have been tossing around Golden as a middle name for a girl, but we are at a standstill for first names. We have talked about Maddox (boy) and Storey (girl), but would love some other ideas.

Oh yeah, I remember Storey Golden Books. I think I had their 25¢ version of the Pokey Little Puppy Goes Rabid.

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I have a daughter named Ryan Sue and I am pregnant with #2. ... I like unusual names too, but not too out there, so here are some names I like: BOYS Cole, Cale, Casen, Alden, Kellen, Jackson ...

GIRLS Campbell (maybe nickname Ella??), Callahan (nickname Callie), Delaney (nickname Laney??), Piper, Kendall, Addison, Raegan, Avery, Linden, Kennedy, Trinity, Carson

Ow! Son of a... Reading off all those K sounds made my epiglottis fall off!

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Girls: Ainslie, Annistyn, Brinley, Baylie, Bryony, Brylie, Camden, Kennedi, Macy, Tatum, Kinsey, Kinslie, Makenna, Rylie, Kylie, Cambria, Brynn

Boys: Ethan, Chase, Bennett, Ryder, Cyder - Cy - rhymes with fly, Avrett, Hunter, Bryce

In honor of this entry, and all the other entries painfully similar, I've written a song. (Just guess at a tune. It's jauntier that way!)

I'm in love with Y's! They make my poor heart fly! Nothing makes me sigh like a name that's crammed with Y's! As you can surmise, for me, Y's, they hypnotize!

I'm in love with Y's! Without Y's, I would die! For me, Y's take the prize, no matter who or where or why! I like Y's super-sized like an order of French fries!

(bridge) Last names for first, they're the only kind for me. But without a bunch of Y's, they lack a certain joi de vivre. Y's have been neglected, their mistreatment is so petty. I'll throw them around like so much New Year's confetti!

(Everybody!) I'm in love with Y's! They make my poor heart fly! Nothing makes me sigh like a name that's crammed with Y's! As you can surmise, for me, Y's, they hypnotize!

(Take it home now!) I'm in love with Y's! Without Y's, I would die! For me, Y's take the prize, no matter who or where or why! I like Y's super-sized like an or! der! of! French! friiiiiiiiiiiies!

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girls - Ireland, Adaire, Lorelei, Windsor, Honor (I love!), Winslow, Wetherly, Waverly, Ellery, Maryn, Larson, Delaney, Rainer, Landry, Greer

boys - Afton, Jarrett, Mills, Pierson, Langdon, Locke, Linc, Asher, Stanton, Sadler, Calder, Rafe, Rans, Jantzen, Slater, Ames,

Sorry, this doesn't get a song. Just a steely gaze of pure hatred.

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I am having my second son a week from today, and his name is Maddox. He will be joining his big brother Jackson. My favorite unique girl names are Scout and Piper.

Boys names = middleweight boxers. Girls names = types of turbo-prop airplanes.

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In response to the question, "What are some of these people smoking?" some wacky namers ever-so-kindly explain why f*ed-up names are the most bestest of all.

... I didn't want to name my children the same name as everyone else. I am proud that my children are individuals, and they are very proud of their names. Most people say, "I love that! What name book did you get that name from?" My kids' names are: Wesson, Colt, Nika and Axel.

... and they're especially proud to be named after consumer goods!

(Another writer, on teasing)... My friend just named her daughter Orchid Willow, but she is going to be homeschooled. Her son's name is Sage Wolfgang, which is very fitting for him.

Do I really have to say anything about this? I mean, really? If you didn't just see at least three reasons to drop your jaw to the floor with a prodigious clang, you're not allowed to read my website any more. Thank you for coming.

I think it is wonderful that they have such great imagination, and discover such unique names. ... Kids will take any name and make fun of them. Most likely, the unusual names will not be joked about. It is the names you can rhyme with that are made fun of. ...

My name is Diana. When I was in 5th grade, the Michael Jackson song Dirty Diana came out. Oh, but I was never teased because 10-year-olds aren't smart enough to come up with taunts that involve "banana" or "Guyana." (Phew!)

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Once you've repeated a name so many times, you can't tell if it sounds right. Which of these "flo"? We get mixed reactions from friends and family, mostly frowns. Thanks again.

Ivory Jayde Searra Capri Cassidy Raine

"One of these things is not like the other, one of these things is not the same..."

Check that - none of these things are like the other. Ivory = Bone. White. Jade (no matter how you spell it): Rock. Shade of green. Sierra = Mountains. US. Capri = Island. Other side of the planet. "Flo" = the waitress on Alice. "Flow" - Actual word. "Pain" - what I'm currently experiencing. "Medication" = what we both need.

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I am going to become a mother in July to a baby girl, and I am having trouble deciding on a name. My husband and I have come up with several so far, but my favorite is Journey Kate. What does everyone think of this?

Damn it, now I've got Wheel in the Sky in my head! Multiply that by 10,000 and that's what her life will be like.

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Ladies and gentlemen, meet my arch-nemesis:

My hubby got on a kick of the names rhyming, believing we would have no more. Lol, we are due in November! So, I am in a tight place. My daughter is Kaesyn Paige (Jason with a "K"), and my son is Richard Brycin. (goes by middle name)

If this baby is a girl, her name will be Adecyn Shai (Addison Shay)...

I need a name with the "sin" sound, not the spelling! Lol! I am not fond of Jaxon, but my husband likes Aryxon (Erikson), and I am fond of Tycen. ...

New naming rule: If in typing the name out, you have to follow it immediately with another version in parentheses, because otherwise no one would have the slightest clue this was supposed to be a name and not Klingon for "Wax my forehead, supple wench," this is a bad, bad, whoa bad bad name.