Past hilarious quotes, November 2007 to 2008

Nov. 17, 2007: (Sunday)

1. Grandma, attempting to pay for a $30 lunch with a $20 and a $5: "That's enough money!" Turns out she thought the $5 was a $20, so I guess I accidentally made her "lose face" by gently telling her that the 5 on the bill was a 5 and not a 20. The reaction I got was "I KNOW!" (they're even colored differently - blue vs. green - but she's old, so I'll excuse her!)

2. Dad, attempting to explain some football to Mom: "The quarters are only 15 minutes long - they used to be 12 or 10 minutes long, but not anymore!"
Mom: "Are you sure they aren't an HOUR long?!"
Dad: "No... they're a QUARTER of an HOUR, which is 15 minutes!"
Mom: "Oh, so the entire game is only ONE HOUR!" (thinking that my sibs will be home sooner rather than later, or not if they go out to eat in the event of a win - that didn't happen!)
Dad: "Not exactly... there are stoppages in play, reviews, and other things..."

3. Mom, hoping for halftime to arrive RIGHT NOW: "Is it halftime yet? Or is it still the first quarter?"
Dad: "No, it's the second quarter. After that, it's halftime." (not bothering with the fact that there were 10.5 minutes left in the second quarter, since that might confuse her even more)
Mom: "Oh... I hope we're winning!"
Dad, upon hearing a score update: "No, the Saskatchewan Roughriders are winning - we're trailing 10-7!"
Mom: "Are you sure?"
Dad: "Yes, they just said so!"

4. Mom, hearing the radio announcers say that a coach was scolding a quarterback: "Is the quarterback on defense?"
Dad: "No, the quarterback is offense." (this would have been fine except for what happened next...)
Mom: "So why is the coach scolding him?! The score's still 10-10..."
Dad: "Eh... his performance wasn't good."
Mom, in a very confused tone: "Oh... so is the second quarterback in the game?"
Dad: "No... he's the third quarterback, and Dickenson is the first, so he might be in the game."
Mom, still confused: "But he had injuries!"
Dad: "Don't worry - he's there!"


Jan. 2, 2008: (Wednesday)

Mom, on my telling Korey what to do: "You're HIS BOYFRIEND, so you should tell him that it's not a good thing to do!"
I am not a guy, nor am I gay. Thanks, Mom...


Feb. 7, 2008: (Thursday)

1. "Can you tell me what my library card number is? Jon has it memorized..."
No, I can't tell you what it is. My brother has it memorized for certain reasons of his own, I'd guess!

2. "I don't know how to use laptops yet. Come over and teach me!"
Well, it's kinda like using your average desktop computer... but maybe sometime later!


June 22, 2008: (Sunday)

1. Mom: "Is Tim Maxine's cousin?!"
Me: "No... I don't think so!"
(No, they're husband and wife! That reminds me that Jon told us about Rachmaninoff marrying his first cousin, which Steph was horrified about! It happened in royalty, too - no wonder there are / were certain features like insanity and such with all the inbreeding! When I told my sibs that there was a site for cousins who marry / date their cousins (and also one for sugar daddies / applicants), they were shocked as well!)

2. Mom: "Do you want to hug and make out with your own mother?"
Me: "Mom, I've told you. Hugging and making out are NOT the same thing!"
Mom: "Making out isn't necessarily sexy!"
(I think she meant to say that making out doesn't necessarily lead to sex, but it came out wrong!)


Aug. 27, 2008: (Wednesday)

Me: Hi, Mom! I just got your email ten minutes ago!
Mom: Huh?! Why did you just get it now?
Me: Oh, I was hanging around with my friend!
Mom: Who is this friend?
Me: Billie. [because Mom would NOT get her Persian name - TRUST ME ON THIS!]
Mom: ... a GUY?! Do you have another boyfriend? [because what I *obviously* do in my spare time is cheat on people with GIRLS since I've discovered I'm bi... and THAT discovery's happened in the past 24 hours or so!]
Me: No, Mom. She is a GIRL. [y'know... like Billie Holiday]
Mom: Oh. Where did you meet her? Online?
Me: Yes...
Mom: ... is she in a GANG?! {very concerned maternal voice}
Me: ... NO, Mom. She's NOT that kind of person! [thinking, "I'm sure there are Persian gangster triads around, but I've never heard of one... but of course Mom would think that since EVERYONE online MUST be in a gang. Therefore, I myself must be leading a secret double life!"]
Mom: Okay... *very dubious* What are you doing?
Me: Just hanging around. I was calling to say I can't make it tomorrow since we don't know what's happening because she's sleeping over.
Mom: ... does she have a FAMILY?!
Me: ... um, yes. Her mother just called her. [I omit that her mom called her 12 times in a row...]
Mom: Oh, okay. But why is she sleeping over?
Me: Because I slept over at her place before, and I'm just returning the favor. [not to mention it would be a bit mean to kick her out at 10 to transit all the way back three zones to Coquitlam!]
Mom: Well... okay. Bye now!
Me: Bye...

HAHAHAHA! Billie and I had great fun with that! :D


Aug. 30, 2008: (Saturday)

Mom, on Billie: "What's wrong with that girl? Is she homeless or mentally challenged? Does she come from a broken family? [NO to all three] Then WHY IS SHE ONLINE?! Is she Native or white?"

I had to tell her that Billie's family was NOT involved in jihad / holy war or anything like that! HAHAHAHA!