Past hilarious quotes, May to December 2006

May 15, 2006: (Monday)

Mom: "You must know Jeremy better than I do. After all, you were sitting with him and his parents on Easter Sunday! *pause* Maybe you and Eric can have a romantic evening and watch 24 with us!"
(While her assumption about Jeremy is true, her reason for it isn't. Let's just say that her idea of a romantic evening does NOT match mine, either... and Eric and I don't go out!)

Slightly later:

Steph to me: "Mom and Dad turned you ORANGE as a baby because they fed you so many carrots!"
Mom, half-listening: "What?! We turned her ON?!"
... NO! THAT IS JUST WRONG!


June 3, 2006: (Saturday)

Dad, to my sister on our way to Aaron and Joyce's wedding banquet: "Ha! Your shirt is sleeveless. *ten-second pause* You're sleeveless in Vancouver!!!"
(that is LAME and NOT clever!)


June 5, 2006: (Monday)

My sister called me to report the following. They had some kind of Chinese soup with octopus and squid tentacles as part of dinner. I've had this many times, and it's great! This is what happened tonight:

Mom: "Look at all the testicles in the soup!"
Steph: *bursts out laughing while correcting her, then calls me*
Mom: "Are you SURE they're tentacles?!"
Steph: "Yes, Mom. Just don't look up the other thing on the Internet. You'll see things you don't want to see!"
Mom, to me: "Are you making this up?!"
Me: "NO!!!! OF COURSE NOT!"

HAHAHAHAHA! Oh boy. o_O


June 4, 2006: (Sunday)

Me: "I'm going to Scope my teeth." (as in the mouthwash, not checking things out :P)
Steph: "Um, okay."
Mom: "What?! You're going to SCOPE YOUR TEATS?! Or did you say STROKE?!"
*me and sister tell her what's wrong with that while laughing at her... it would HURT!*


June 11, 2006: (Sunday)

Christon, on why he didn't need a ride home after lunch: "No, I need to food shop for the BBQ on Wednesday." (explaining why Nathan wouldn't want to give him a ride home)
What everyone else heard: "I need to get my FLU SHOT for the BBQ!"
Danielle, seeking clarification: "But what for?!"
Christon: "Beef, hot dogs, stuff like that..."
Everyone else: "... um... are you sure?!"
Finally, we asked him what he meant... we were like, "Is it even flu shot season? Even if it were, why would you need a flu shot for a BBQ?!"


July 22, 2006: (Saturday)

Steph, at the #9: "I want Pearl Castle!" (their bubble tea is good)
Mom: "You don't need PASTA, since the portions here are huge!!!"
HAHAHAHA, that is NOT what she said!


Aug. 25, 2006: (Friday)

Billy: "So Timothy was going to carry his [the apostle Paul's] torch..."
Karen: "Curious George?! That doesn't sound bad!" (we were talking about a whole bunch of bad stuff the Corinthians did)
Billy: "... no. Carry. His. Torch."
HAHAHAHA! I love hilarious Bible Study!


Sometime in August 2006:

Steph: Mum! Wanna see Brokeback Mountain with us? (her and Vivian S.)
Mum: The one with the lesbian cowboys?
Hahaha! I guess it's all the same to her!


Aug. 20, 2006: (Sunday)

A bunch of us were over at Jeremy's for the first-ever Sunday Dinner, and were watching a nature documentary as entertainment.

1. Darryl, talking about Snakes On A Plane: "The only sad part about that line is that you can't say the whole thing! 'Get these mother *pause* snakes off this mother *pause* plane!' I mean, really... it doesn't have the same effect!"
Jeremy: "Yeah, we were playing Scattergories yesterday. One of the clues was a word that started with F, and which had four letters. Gee, could it be Samuel L. Jackson's favorite word?"
Jon: "Maybe... I mean, it is probably his best-known line, like, ever!"
Darryl: "Yeah... although all the bloggers loved that line long before it was inserted into the movie!"

2. Narrator on documentary mentions something about a preying mantis and its predator. Darryl's running joke quickly becomes "And we put this *insert name of animal* [or children, at the end] next to this praying mantis to see what it would do! Because obviously, they didn't sit around waiting to see what would happen, right?"

3. (Narrator on documentary mentions something about a praying mantis and its poop on a branch) Christon: "That looks like siu yok [Chinese dish]! I'm telling you, man. If they serve that tomorrow at the grad banquet, I'm NOT EATING IT!"
Jon: "Hey, one man's excrement is another man's treasure!"
Dallas: "Man, why does my camera always have to be off whenever this happens?!"
Jon: "You have BAD TIMING! Do the line again!"
Jeremy: "Nah, it won't be as funny the second time!"
Jen: "Shh! I'm trying to LISTEN!"


4. (scene of praying mantis eating its mate) Jen: "Oh, ew! That's so gross! She's eating him and they're still mating!"
Jon: "Yeah, it doesn't pay to be a male in that world, I guess!"
Vivian: "So how do they live on as a species if all the males get eaten?"
Jon: "I guess they have like 50 babies at a time!" (which was confirmed later on)
Alan: "I can't believe how they're still mating, and she's eaten his head and half his body already!"
Jen: "Ew ew ew! Oh, that's nasty!"

5. (various scenes of praying mantis killing its prey, or being killed by snakes / lizards) Jeremy: "Watch out... here it comes! CHOMP! That animal had NO CHANCE!"
Jen: "Oh gross!"
(then there was the scene where a praying mantis was killed rather violently by its predator) Jon: "Oh, yum. Who wants more rice and stuff now? That's the most violent death I've seen on this thing!"

6. Jon: "I think this gin and tonic needs more hops. Then again, the rice was good coz it was soaked in apple cider! I poured beer on the mussels too!"
Dallas: "Yeah, Tomlin... but I dunno. Maybe we should do that next week with your Thai curry!"
Jon: "That's a GOOD IDEA!"

7. Vivian: "Here, have some lemon-cranberry cookies I made at Chrystal's this afternoon."
Dallas: "Hey, these look like the ones that the kids were selling today!"
Vivian: "Eh, at least they're different flavors! Although they were a better deal than the Chinese congregation's stuff!"
*segue into discussion of Hannah, Natalie, Zoe, and whether there are any nine-year-old boys at church.. one, Steven!*

8. Jon: "Yeah, I read your blog, Jen. I even know who you called last week at your place! 'Oh, hi. I'm just really tanked right now...' "
Jen: "I didn't say THAT!"
Me: "Yeah, coz I told you this morning..."
Jon: "Eh, shut up, you little girl."
Me: "Cheh... no bubble tea for YOU!"

9. Jon: "Man, I've had nine hours of sleep in the last two days! I'm tired! *chest slaps Jeremy as we leave at 12:30* "
Jeremy: "Oh man!"
Me: "Isn't he going to bed soon, too?" (Darryl had gone to bed ten minutes before)
Jon: "Yeah! That'll give him energy to crawl into bed!"
Me: "Uh, if you say so... thanks, Jeremy! See you tomorrow!"


Sept. 4, 2006: (Sunday)

1. MC at Wails and Diana's wedding: "Hey, Diana! What is Wails' fetish?"
Diana: "Beer! He drinks a lot!"
Mom at our table: "Did he say FINISH?"
Jon: "No... he said FETISH."
Mom: "Oh... what's that?!"
*Jon and I look at each other, debating whether to explain*
"It has to do with sex... it's a sexual term... it's something that you, um, have to have so, er..."
Mom: *horrified look* ".... OH! Are you SURE you're not making this up?"
Jon: "No, Mom..."

2. Mom: "I have these postcards for you from Mount Rushmore. You'll like them since they're about pooping and butts!"
Jon: *looks at the postcards* "No, they're not. A rack refers to moose antlers OR to boobs, NOT pooping!"
Mom: "Are you SURE? I thought it had to do with bombing!"
Me: "We're very sure, Mom... only one of them is about butts. It has a back view of the mountain."


Sept. 7, 2006: (Thursday)

1. Mom, on the Brew-O-Poly game at Chapters: "Oh my God. Why would ANYONE make a game about beer?!"
Me: "Because they think people would have fun with it?"
Mom: "Euh... not my type of game. Maybe Jon or Jeremy should get it!"
Hahaha, maybe so!

2. Mom, on these decorative art tiles at the 99¢ store: "Oh my God. They say FULL OF BEANS on them."
Me: "That's just a pun for coffee, Mom."
Mom: "Are you SURE they're not SWEARING?!"
Me: "Very sure. Coffee is made from beans. You know that."
Mom: "Well, okay...."

3. Mom, on the books at the "cheap books" store at Aberdeen: "I really want to get a wedding planning book... can we just pretend you're getting married?"
Me: "... no. Just get a coloring book for Brigitte [my distant relative] instead!"


Sept. 11, 2006: (Monday)

Mom, on where I wanted to go for the family celebration of my birthday: "I don't mind it being more expensive since it's your wedding... I mean, your birthday! I hope you get married soon!" [I chose Top Shanghai over some Chinese place for the NEW factor]


Sept. 12, 2006: (Tuesday)

My mom, on a Seattle Mariners-Toronto Blue Jays game: "... WHAT are the players doing?!"
Jon: "The pitcher is sending a signal to the catcher."
Steph, just to amuse herself: "Hey, look! The players are even more obvious with what they're doing in the dugout!"
Mom: "Euh... can't they just scratch their nose?"
Me: "Then the batters could see the signals, Mom."
Mom: "Better than scratching their crotch!"
Steph: "Hey Mom, look at these benefits! You can see spring training in Dunedin, FL if you're a return season ticket holder... and then you can see that 81 times a year!"
Mom: "I can't even stand that ONCE a year! Maybe they should get dirty old men to do that job!"

HAHAHAHA! My mom just does not get sports, I suppose!


Sept. 29, 2006: (Friday)

Mom, on Dave's blog: "Steph told me about Dave and Tiffany. Then I saw your brother looking at Dave's blog. Isn't he being rude?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Mom: "Well, the title is rude!"
Me: "What's so rude about a Reformed Jerk?"
Mom: "Aren't jerks BAD people?"
Jon: "No, no... he's REFORMED. That means he ISN'T a jerk anymore! It's NOT rude!"
Mom, in a dubious tone: "Well, okay..."


Oct. 9, 2006: (Monday)

(Dallas, Vivian S., Eric M., my siblings, and I are all sitting around the townhouse discussing people we know)

Steph: "Hey, his nickname could be RANDY!"
Eric: "Yeah! You should go for it!"
Me: "I don't think so!"
Jon: "Hey, let's look that up on the Internet!" *proceeds to do so*
Steph, to amuse us: "Mom, come over here and look at this definition!"
Mom: *reads the definitions* "Oh..." *horrified*
Dallas: "What is it?"
Mom: "They mention something about LIBIDO. Do they mean, like... SEX?!" *very horrified*
Vivian: "... yes, they do."
Mom: "Oh no...."


Oct. 22, 2006: (Sunday)

Mom, noticing that an intersection near the church (the one we usually use to access church) was closed: "Road Closed?! Is this construction for the RAV Line?!"
(note: our church was nowhere close to where the RAV line is actually being constructed in the Oakridge / Granville area)

My sibs and I just looked at each other and tried convincing her that there were other construction projects going on that had nothing to do with the RAV line! Hahaha...