Past hilarious quotes, 2004 to mid-2005

No, I don't know why I haven't had a "quote collection" post in quite some time. Here they all are for your amusement:

WAY BACK:

Mom, on Van Halen's Panama: "Did they say GRANDMA?! Why are they singing about her?!"
Hahahaha... NO! I doubt the boys know my granny personally!

Mom, on the video for Our Lady Peace's song Clumsy: "Do they all have mental problems?! Everything is floating around in WATER!!!"
(my siblings and I concluded that Mom definitely isn't too PC!)

Mom and Dad, on the Sex Pistols: "Are you looking up PORN on the family computer?!"
HAHAHAHA, no. IF that were ever to happen (which it won't!), I'd do that on my own computer!


May 18, 2005: (Wednesday)

Mom to me: "Are you sure you don't want to move back home and pay us rent? That way, I can be sure that you don't go into... other professions! You never know about this Internet friend of yours. Jayson might drug you and then rape you... and then make you do other things that you don't want! He could be a primp!" My sister and I just laughed at her for being too paranoid, and for mangling English.

Mom, upon half-listening to my comment to Steph about finally emailing her a link to Palmer's picture: "You're going to pick up Jason Yeasting? Your Internet friend is going to pick you up?! Who's Palmer?!" (My sister explained that Palmer was his onscreen name, and that our conversation had nothing to do with our friend Jason. She doesn't think that Palmer's the dude she saw on the TV show who was wanted for harassing girls on the Vancouver Dateline thing!)

Dad, upon hearing my sister's future plans with Jessica and Margaret: "You're going to watch a show called America's Next Topless Model?!" My siblings and I laughed at him for THAT one! It's America's Next Top Model, NOT that thing! :P

This next batch (the numbered ones) are all from my sister's Xanga:

1. Dawn, on how she'd like to die: "I'd like to die while surrounded by family, biting into a nice piece of steak and suddenly just croak."


2. Last November [2004], my mom took a nutrition management exam as a part of her job. So she complained to me about the wordiness...

Her: "How come they call it MASTICATION when they can just say CHEWING? I will remember it because it sounds like MASTURBATION."

Me: "Yeah, Mum... it's the same thing as URINATION and peeing; and DEFECATION and pooing."

Her: "Hah??? I thought it was when you got your head cut off?!?!"

Me: "NO Mum, that's DECAPITATION."

I was so totally unamused! Oh, and Mum still cannot pronounce "anus"... she pronounces it like "ann-uss" and the male genitalia as "penn-iss." There was this one time she got so confused when we went to some pasta house, and my sister ordered a plate of penne... yeah. o_O

(Which reminds me of the time that Spoz thought "decaplets" were twins born with no heads... HAHAHAHAHAHA! How can you be born without a head?!)


3. My mom's idea of matchmaking, while on the phone to my sister in November 2004:

Mom: So, any of your girliefriends interested in Jon yet?
Steph: Um, not really...
Mom: Ha??? Have you asked them? Maybe you should introduce him to your friends!
Steph: I told my friends about him. But they're not interested.
Mom: HOW COME?! Jon is a GOOD boy!
Steph: They don't know him, Mum. He barely goes to our church!
Mom: Hmm. Well, you should try your best to help out your brother. You know, I still like *****, *****, and ********. Do they have boyfriends?
Steph: Nope!
Mom: Oh, gooooooooooooooooood. Maybe something will happen when he's here for Christmas.

What's funnier is that my DAD got into it too! (and he almost never does!)

Good thing Mom doesn't know about the entry in which Steph put out an open application for Jon's future wife. ;) She'd love the suggestions there, hahaha.

(Now accepting all applications...

It's Jon's birthday next week. I know this is gonna make me seem like a freak (erm, freakier?) but the only decent and meaningful gift I can think of is... a sister-in-law for myself! Ooo. I think I've spent too long with my mum, I'm becoming her double. Anyway, the more I think about it (and yes, I do think about it), the more I have certain people in mind. Hmm. I'd rather not risk those friendships by proclaiming who my ideal sis-in-law would be, but in case any of them is reading this post (hehe, and some of them do read this hehehehehehehe)... Jonathan is a very decent young man. He can play music to swoon you (although I don't think he's very romantic... and I don't really wanna know , he's not that ugly (despite his nickname) and he's got the cooooooolest sisters and a very fun mother! Oh, he has a father too, but no adjective for him... he's just not as fun as us Ng women... Anyway, contact me if interested... I would be pleased to arrange any get togethers. I only ask a couple things... crack the whip on his tardiness, and don't be a meanie! No awkward family dinners are allowed.

Welcome to the family! Ceci, Viv Lui, Becca, Melia, Cindy, or Becky!!! Hehe, one can only hope!)

As for what really happened when he was over here for Christmas break, the poor boy had a gastrointestinal incident. He had to spend Christmas and half of Boxing Day in the hospital. :(


4. Mum: We're going to Uncle Ken and Auntie Ada's house for dinner on Thursday.
Steph: Who are they?
Mum: You know. Bernadette's parents!
Jon: Um... I think you mean Benedict.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


5. So my mum was writing a Christmas card for an old family friend... good thing Jon decided to proofread it. Instead of "Ngs crazy bunch," it said: "love from Ngs crazy butch"...

Nice. Real nice.
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Mum to my sister: Can you have a baby girl before I'm 60?
Erm... that gives her 3.5 years to produce. Eeek.

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Closely related to the above:

Mom to me: Don't go and get pregnant by the first guy that's nice to you!

The very next day:

Mom to me: I want you to give me GRANDCHILDREN as soon as possible!


Uh... talk about mixed messages THERE.... o_O
________________________________________________

Steph: Ew, Mum, did you just fart???
Mum: Noooo. I was only passing gas!

Hahaha... yeah, what's the difference? Oh, Mummy...


6. Mum: I think pink makes me look too fleshy.
________________________________________________________
Dad: Are those your Anne Frank socks?

(he meant Paul Frank!)


7. In March 2005, after my sister got a speeding ticket going to a non-existent football game / practice:

Steph: Oh Mum, guess what happened to me on Saturday!
Mum: You got a boyfriend?!!!
Steph: Uh, no. I got a speeding ticket.
Mum: HA??? Aiya, how much was it? Aiya!
Steph: Fifty-two bucks...
Mum: AIYA... so expensive! You're a dangerous driver!!!
Dad: Ha, what happened?
Steph: I got a speeding ticket.
Dad: Oh, haha. How much?
Steph: Fifty-two bucks...
Dad: Oh! So cheap!!! ... *five seconds pass* ... Anyway, I think it is time for you to settle down and get yourself a boyfriend.

My parents are funny. They're so opposite, but so alike at the same time.


8. From an April 2005 phone conversation my sister had with the parents:

Dad: Now, do you have a boyfriend yet? (read: How can you still be single?!)
Steph: No, Dad!
Dad: Ha? How come?! Aren't there any good boys at your church?
Steph: Uhhh....
Dad: That's ridiculous. I should send your mother over. Maybe she can make something happen for you! *pause* Maybe I should come by myself!

BAHAHAHAHA. MCBC boys, consider yourselves warned!


Mom: Steph, I've been thinking about *******. He is a very nice boy. What do you think about him??? Is he good enough to be your boyfriend???
Steph: Uhhh....
Mom: I have already been praying for the two of you. Hopefully, he will spark a conversation with you when you're home!
Steph: Uhhh... *thinks I NEED HELP!*


There's more where that came from!

Sometime in early 2005:

Karen and Vivian, at lunch: "Can we have an extra bowl for our large #9?"
Waitress: "What do you mean?"
Karen and Vivian: "We want to split a bowl of noodles!"
Waitress: "I don't understand!"
Karen and Vivian: "Okay, can we have two #9s? Only for one of them, can you leave the noodles and soup and meat OUT of it?"

(speak their language, and they'll eventually understand you!)

Feb. 27, 2005: (Sunday)

Jen, ordering Pho at lunch: "I'll have a #69, please." (grass jelly drink with ice)
Nathan: *makes a bunch of sex jokes that fly over her head*
Dawn and me: "Don't look it up on the Internet! The text should be enough! You actually don't need to know what exactly it is... just don't do a Google search for it, or even a general Net search!"
Jen: "It has something to do with sex, right?"
Nathan: "Yes! Just think about how the 69 is formed!"
Citrus: "NATHAN! Don't tell her that!"


May 21, 2005: (Saturday)

Mom, to me: "Did you make OFF with Palmer?!"
(NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!)

Four silly quotes from (Sunday) July 17, 2005:

1. Dad, at the restaurant: "Put the plate on the turntable!" (he meant the LAZY SUSAN, and insisted that the two were the same thing: my sister and I just gave each other a look)

2. Mom: "Take the garbage out... it's so STINGY!" (I told her that "stinky" and "stingy" were different things, and then she questioned the existence of Dictionary.com ... I would have showed her the site, but the wireless network was down, and my sister's laptop gave me a blue screen of death when I tried starting Mozilla)

3. Mom: "Aren't you concerned about your future daughter-in-law?" (uh, my brother's future wife would be my SISTER-in-law... I'll worry about my future daughter-in-law when I'm married and have a son, thanks!)

4. Mom: "You are my lover... you are my lovely daughter..." (she sings stuff like this ALL THE TIME, so I tried telling her that "lover" wasn't the right word AT ALL to use in that context... she agrees incest is wrong, but insisted that "lover" didn't ALWAYS mean its real meaning... yeah right!)


On Oct. 17, 2005 (Saturday) after I got home from the Awana Leadership Conference:

Mom: I'm having curry fishballs for dinner. Are you hungry?
Me: No, Mom... I just ate dinner and I had a big lunch.
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Stuff from the Bread Garden... cookies, chips, pasta salad, wraps...
Mom: Ha?! You had RATS for lunch?! Aiya!
Me: No, Mom... WRAPS!!! You know, where they put a bunch of stuff inside a wrap thing. They have those at your work! (she works as a dietary supervisor in the hospital system)
Mom: OH! Okay.... I thought you actually had rats for lunch!
Me: Of course not, Mom! Aiya!


Sometime mid-2005:

Dad: "When did you go to sleep?"
Jon: "Oh, 4-5 AM."
Dad: "What were you doing, reading people's blobs?"
Jon: "Blogs..."
Dad: "You should just call them blobs."

Sounds appropriate enough for me, as a lot of blogwriting does consist of people writing their thoughts down into one big blob of an entry. However, I do take time to see if my writing is clear, grammatically correct, and free of spelling errors. In other words, it takes time for me to type up a full entry.

(reminds me of when Adam Frey called me a "literal formless blob" because we were chatting over the Internet, hahaha)