Past hilarious quotes: mid-2005 to mid-2006

June 2005, while trying some outfits for Jeff and Anita's wedding:

Mom: "You know that online friend of yours... you spent the night at his house, right?"
Me, vaguely wondering where this is going: "Yes..."
Mom: "You've gained weight. Does that mean you're PREGNANT by him?!"
Me: "... NO! I am NOT pregnant! Definitely not!"
(I told this to Corey later, and he figured that she should KNOW about how long it takes for a pregnancy to show... too right!)


Aug. 21, 2005: (Sunday)

1. Dad: "Hey, the driver of the car in front of us LOOKS LIKE Erin!"
Mom: "That's not Erin! She's away at Timothy camp!"

(this would be like me saying that some girl I saw in front of Blenz coffee shop WAS Melissa, despite the fact that Melissa is far away from Vancouver at the moment!)

2. Me: "Dad, don't mess with me. I have female issues."
Dad: "You're so messy that I'll mess with you!"
LAME, and certainly not clever!

3. *my sister and I are discussing Paris Hilton, including her SEX TAPE on the INTERNET*
Mom, half-listening: "Are you talking about ME?!?!?!"
Us: "NO!!!! DEFINITELY NOT!"
(we do NOT want to know if Mom has engaged in any Paris-like escapades, up to and including a sex tape whether it's live on the Internet or not!)

4. Mom, upon seeing some random white guy HOLDING A BABY on our way back from Pho lunch after church: Is that Eric?!?!
*my siblings and I give each other a LOOK, and say NO!*

Nov. 27, 2005: (Sunday)

1. While listening to the Grey Cup football game, the announcers say something about a linebacker.

Mom: "What's a LINEBREAKER?!"
Me: "That's not what they said.. it's a LINEBACKER... a football player!"
Mom: "Are you sure? They have so many names for it.. a receiver, linebacker, quarterback..."


2. A little later in the game, something's mentioned about Pamela Anderson being in town.

Mom: "Pamela Anderson?"
Me: "Yes, Mom.. she's in town for the game."
Mom: "What? She's addicted? Ha?!"
Me: "I didn't say that! She's IN TOWN!"
Mom: "Oh...."


3. Slightly later...

Mom: "Do you want some coffee to wake up before dinner?"
Me: "No, Mom... maybe some hot chocolate later."
Mom: "But it's nice DIP coffee!"
Me: "Uh, no thanks..."


Feb. 26, 2006: (Sunday)

A bunch of the guys were signing up for the church hockey league one Sunday:

Mom: "A picture?! Is this for a dating service?!"
Christon, Steph, Eric, Danielle, Nathan, Sam, and me: *laugh a LOT and tell her that it's for a hockey league which requires a picture of all players*

Let's just say that if she'd seen Citrus' snazzy picture, she wouldn't have been so easily convinced that it was really for a roller hockey league! *laugh*


Sometime in March 2006:

Mom to my sister: I think he likes you. Did you feel his vibrations?
(without context, I can't guess what she was trying to say to my poor sister!)


Mar. 12, 2006: (Sunday)

1. Dad: "I hope your computer crashes. Then you'll be twisting your thumbs!" (TWIDDLING!)

2. Mom: "Ice?! I thought curling was played on a smooth surface!" (ice IS smooth!)


March 19, 2006: (Sunday)

Mom, to me and my sister: "We can hug and make out, right?" She somehow got it into her head that the two were similar... Dad wasn't too impressed by this linguistic gaffe, either! o_O

A month later, she repeated this to me as "let's kiss and make out!" Uh, no? So then I attempted to explain this to her as "deep kissing between two people who want to have sex," whereupon she thought that I was making it up. *rolleyes*


May 12, 2006: (Friday)

Mom, to my sister: "You should pack more than one pair of underwear in case you have a poop accident over the weekend!" (she was 23 at the time, plenty old enough NOT to have one!)

Slightly later, to me: "Are you looking up porn or going to dangerous chatrooms on the family computer? Are you masturbating while talking to your sister on the phone?!" (I was really talking about poisoning people by pouring it in through their Eustachian tubes in their ears, as per HAMLET)
Um, EWWWWW! NO! My sister told Dad about this, and that got an eyeroll.