Past hilarious quotes, January 2007 to October 2007

January 1, 2007: (Monday)

1. Dad to Jon: "Turn on the strobe lights outside so Dave's family can see our place!" (he meant the Christmas lights!)

2. Mom to me: "You are my darling wet..." (I don't think I wanna know... yes, she used "wet" as a noun! o_O)

3. Mom to me, again: "Open that can of pickles for me." (then I corrected her) "It's the same thing!" [a CAN and JAR are NOT the same thing... cans are made of metal, and jars are made of glass!]

4. Mom: "Who is James Brown?!" Steph tried to explain to her by singing some I FEEL GOOD... that did NOT work! You'd think she would know who he is...

5. Rachel and Steph tried to convince our moms that puberty caused Steph's hair to grow into a frizzy fro, instead of chlorine in swimming pools. Then Rachel agreed with Steph that "it" probably caused her own hair to go crazy ten years ago. Her mom said, "It? You mean swimming?!" NO! PUBERTY!

6. Me: "Look, Mom! Elvis is on TV!"
Mom: "How do you know who that is?!"
Me: "Uhhh...."


Feb. 4, 2007: (Sunday)

Mom: So who was there last night? [Lesley invited a bunch of us to a French meal at her place]
Me: Christon, me, Lesley, Eric, Jon, Jeremy, and Dylan.
Mom: But Jeremy wasn't there!
Me: (thinking, "I know better than you!") ... Yes, he was...
Mom: But Jon told me that he went to Kelowna!
Me: That was at 6:30 this morning, Mom. *very patient*
Mom: Oh... so did Jon bring the beer to Phil's, and the durian that Dallas gave him? He must have.
Me: Yes, he probably did!
Mom: So where does Lesley live? Does she live with her parents?
Me: .... her parents are dead, Mom...
Mom: ... oh. Have you met Dawn's boyfriend yet?
Me: Yes, he was at the Fellowship Christmas potluck.
Mom: But Steph didn't tell me that, and she tells me EVERYTHING!
Me: (thinking, "Obviously she doesn't!") Okay.
Mom: You know, Steph and Dawn aren't really that good friends. I just gave Auntie Betty [Dawn's mom] rides everywhere since she lived nearby. Sometimes people have falling-out in friendships.
Me: (thinking, "I can't say whether they're good friends anymore or not, but they get along and such just fine!") Sure, Mom... *changes topic*

I will say that her thinking that Lesley's parents are still alive is more sad than hilarious because I thought she'd KNOW that by now with years gone by since her mom died! (and her dad died years before that) This also reminds me of when she thought Eric and certain tall girls would be good matches just based on height, hahaha. (in 2001 or so)


April 7, 2007: (Saturday)

Jon: So what did you do last night at church to entertain the teens?
Steph: Oh, we watched 300 and other things.
Me: Yeah, Mike and Sam and Joey were discussing that during dinner at Pho!
Mom: Is that Al Gore's new movie?
Jon: No, it's about...
Me: SPARTANS! Greek people!
Mom: Oh, so what's the Al Gore movie?
Jon: An Inconvenient Truth.
Mom: An Inconvenient POOP?!

After correcting her, my siblings and I went into the kitchen to laugh over what would truly be considered inconvenient poops. I came up with the obvious: "Ack! I'm literally about to get married, and I HAVE TO POOP!" Steph wondered to Jon (since he's done a lot of weddings) if brides just had to hold it in all day since they're at the church for HOURS! Jon said he HOPED not... major disaster waiting to happen there!


June 21, 2007: (Wednesday)

1. Mom: "Guess how much I made on the garage sale." *disappointed*
Me: "How much?"
Mom: "Only $7.50!"
Me: "Well, what were you expecting?"
Mom: "$100! I had my stuff out for three hours, but it was raining..."
HAHAHA. I don't think you'd make that much at your typical garage sale!

2. Mom: "Maybe we can go to the bookstore!" *has mouth full*
Me: "What? I don't like the Home Show!"
Mom: "I said the BOOKSTORE!"
Me: "... are you eating something?"
Mom: "Yes! Beef jerky!"
Me: "MOM..."
Mom: "What? I'll give you a bag!"
Me: "No! It's rude to talk when you're eating something!"
Mom: "No, it's not..."
Me: "Yes, it is!" *changes subject*
Mom is so interesting sometimes...


July 31, 2007: (Thursday)

1. Mom to me: "Why are you going to the bathroom?"
Me: ".... why do you THINK people would go?!"
Mom: "Pee or poo?"
Me: *refuses to answer that, and closes the bathroom door on that question*

2. Mom: "Here, put Stephanie's stingy underwear in her room!"
Me, thinking she's confused "stinky" for "stingy" again: "It's not stinky if it's just been through the laundry."
Mom: "I'm not saying it smells... it's just SMALL!"
Me: "....."

3. Mom: "Do you want some Vijay?"
Me: "... what do you mean?"
Mom: "The thing I put in the fridge!" (I now know she means the V-8 that I put in the fridge for her earlier)
Me: "You mean V-8, Mom."
Mom: "Really?"
Me: "Yes - Vijay is... something else." (I don't think she'd understand that Vijay Singh is a good golfer, or that Vijay Chandra is the 96.9 JACK FM engineer with a bunch of hilarious commercials... some of them are on YouTube, apparently!)

4. Mom, repeatedly: "Remember that the cereal doesn't go in the fridge! Remember to give Dallas' container back to him, and put the other stuff in the fridge! Did you remember what I said two minutes ago?!"
Me: *keeps thoughts of "Am I a THREE-YEAR-OLD?!" to myself*

6. Mom, to Jon: "So where does Harmony's friend live in New York?"
Jon: *gives a location*
Mom: "And she rents a three-bedroom apartment for ONE person?!"
Jon: "... she has ROOMMATES, Mom..."
Mom: "Oh. Well, I didn't know!"

7. Mom: "Did you see Sean?"
Jon: "No, I forgot he was in town. But he'll be here for Hon's wedding soon!"
Me: "Yeah... it's the weekend after next!"
Mom: "How do you know? Were you invited?"
Me: "No... but I do know when it is!"
Jon: "That's because you're nosy!"
Me: "Maybe, but I've heard you talking about it anyhow!"

8. Mom: "This is the third time in two days that I've been at the airport. Same for you and Dad!"
Me: "Uh... I've been at the airport twice in two days. Dad's only been at the airport twice today."
Mom: "But it can work if I say that Dad's been at the airport twice in two days!"
Me: "Um.... never mind." *not wanting to explain how that really WOULDN'T work because it IS NOT CORRECT!*


Aug. 5, 2007: (Sunday)

1. Mom, on her love of singing inappropriate things and her insistence that I love it when I really do NOT: "Have you told K that I love to sing? (no) Well, if he's to be my DAUGHTER-in-law..." o_O

2. Mom, on Grandma's reaction to Korey since she assumes he's white: "Well, you can just tell her that he's Mexican!" (then I tell her that a black person and a Mexican person look quite different) "Well, she's 87... maybe she won't be able to tell!" (I don't think she's COLOR-BLIND or that her sight is phenomenally BAD...)

3. Mom, on my need to go "do something" (editing this post and such) three times in twenty minutes: "Why do you have to poop so much?" ("do something" does NOT imply bodily functions!)

4. Mom, on me and Danielle: "You're cougars four or five times!" (we know her intent, but it's still funny! - what she means is that Danielle is five years older than Citrus, and that I'm four years older than K)


Oct. 26, 2007: (Saturday)

(Steph invited a bunch of people to hang out at the townhouse)
Mom: "Would you guys like some peanuts?" [in her accent (and because she doesn't quite know how to say it), "peanuts" got rendered as something very similar to "PENIS"]
Daniel: *starts laughing really hard, and Michelle falls out of her chair*
Everyone else: *starts laughing, too*
Dad: *comes over and gives everyone a "You are VERY BAD" look*


Oct. 27, 2007: (Sunday)

Jon, to Natalie: "Hey, Natalie. Do you have any secret boyfriends or crushes that you won't tell your parents about?" (she was about nine or ten)
Natalie, rather vehemently: "You're the LAST people I'd EVER tell!" (me, Jon, Calla, Jeremy, Steph, Ivan, Vanessa)
Vanessa, through laughter: "Jon! You're HORRIBLE! Oh NO, she DIDN'T!"
Natalie, turning around at the door: "Oh YES, I DID!"