Torture with a car battery, unsecured nuclear weapons, and betrayal

I bet the opening scene is the Russians already arriving back at their hideout. Nope, I was wrong. Instead, we get more drama with Ricky Bobby and Cale as Dana calls them up to make sure they're clear of the cops. Turns out they're making it rain at a strip club. Dana wants him to live up to his deal to leave her alone, but, shock of all shockers, he goes back on his word. Turns out, it's Cale that's actually the one calling the shots. He gets on the phone and threatens to expose her to everyone unless she continues cooperating with them. Yeah, I'm as shocked as you are that these two idiots have actually managed to get Dana to go along with all of this so far. Arlo catches Dana sneaking away, and calls her on it.

Bubba is pissed that things have gone south. Because, let's face it, nothing ever goes wrong at CTU. It's like Itchy and Scratchy Land. The Russians are back at Sergei's restaurant, so it took them a little longer than expected to get back. Sergei is in the back, doing his best Iron Chef impersonation. So there you have it. Next time you eat at a Russian restaurant, it's entirely possible that the chef is actually the head of a powerful Russian mob family. Make sure you tip the waitresses well.

Sergei wants to know who Jack works for, but Jack won't say. Sergei's not happy because he smells bacon, and it ain't coming from the kitchen. Jack tries to reassure him, and points out that he killed three men at the warehouse, including Vladimir. "I stabbed him in the eye. You really think I'm a cop?" Uh – that's not the most compelling argument you could make, Jack. Sark comes back from burying his brother, and is holding his brother's crucifix necklace. Anyway, Sergei and Sark seem to have buried the hatchet, and they decide to do some bonding in the form of telling Little Bro about the change in circumstances. I wonder if Little Bro is still getting his three-way on. That would be impressive.

Jack gets tortured with a car battery. Jack says he's ready to move past the foreplay, but the Russians are sensitive and want to please him first. If they really want to torture him, they should make him watch The Sentinel. Bubba gives President Taylor an update on their progress, which is really an update on their non-progress. Really, this scene was to fulfill contractual obligations to Mykelti Williamson and Cherry Jones. Little Bro is on the phone with some evil-looking guy with a goatee who's waiting for the rods. Sergei and Little Bro have a difference of opinion, and Sark points a gun at Little Bro's head. That seems to be his M.O. when it comes to negotiating, doesn't it?

Sark graciously volunteers to drive Little Bro to his rendezvous point so they can wait for the rods together. Well, Sark sure got over his brother's death pretty quickly, didn't he? Cole is back at CTU with Renee, and Bubba is not happy. Renee wonders why, with all the technology at their disposal, they still can't track Jack. Easy. They forgot to put cameras in the sewers. Renee tells Chloe that she feels guilty about what's happening to Jack, and thinks that this is all her fault. But really, if you think about it, it's actually Jack's fault, right? I mean, she never thought about bending the law until she met Jack. If it weren't for Jack, Renee would still be at the FBI fooling around with Larry Moss, and shaking with fear every time a terrorist asked for his attorney.

Dana goes to Cole for a chat because, clearly, she doesn't give a crap about national security. She starts to tell him about her past, but things get in the way. You know, little things like unsecured nuclear weapons. More torture, and these guys do not know who they're messing with, do they? Jack survived two years' worth of torture by the Chinese, and this will be like a walk in the park for him. Jack feigns being unconscious and pulls off a sweet move, grabbing the jumper cable with his feet and shocking his interrogator. With the agility of a spider, he climbs up the pipe and starts kicking at a loose joint. Is there anything this guy can't do?

Darth Hassan has a confrontation with his daughter. He tells her that he is her father, and she's like "Yeah, I know." Anyway, they're talking about his assistant, and she reveals that she's been doing the nasty with him for a year now. That's not going to make dear old dad happy... Jack gets free right as his interrogator wakes up. They fight, and this is a better mismatch than Jack vs. Tony. Jack kicks his ass and goes to his go-to move, the leg-scissors choke-hold. He sure likes to use his legs, doesn't he? He used the same move on Bierko.

Jack tries to turn on the guy's cellphone, but the battery is deader than he is. It is New York, after all. You could walk under a canopy, and you'd lose reception. Jack kills the power, and now it's time to party. He kills another guy, and then manages to make a call to CTU. Sergei goes after him with a shotgun, and Jack hides under a table. Sergei thinks he's in a shooting gallery because he just keeps shooting at glasses and plates on the table. Before he can go for the row of ducks, Jack bum-rushes him, and knocks him out cold. No stuffed animal for Sergei.

CTU has set up a perimeter around the restaurant, and can it be possible that they already have Sergei in custody? Apparently so. I'm as shocked as you are that he hasn't already escaped. Jack asks to speak with Sergei alone, and tries to play Let's Make a Deal. Sergei then breaks down over killing his son, and wants full immunity for him and Sark. Don't they all? President Taylor authorizes it, like we knew she would. Seriously, they might as well have pre-signed fill-in-the-blank forms. I (state your name), hereby swear that in exchange for truthful information regarding (fill in terrorist act here), I will not be prosecuted for any crime relating to or in furtherance of (said terrorist act) provided that my intelligence leads to (a good result for the U.S.A.). With, uh, liberty and justice for all.

Finally, the showdown we've been waiting for. Arlo and Cole have their acting clinic. Who will be the first to hit 3 on the facial expressions count? Who will be the first to show more range than a shovel? Someone call James Lipton, because we've got a great episode of Inside the Actor's Studio in the can! Dana's at the strip club, and it's really good that a high-ranking systems analyst like her has her priorities in order during this crisis. Meanwhile, some random CTU officer gets into the elevator with Cole, and Cole adjusts his flak jacket for him. Seems a little suspicious that they would suddenly introduce a character like that, doesn't it? Either he's an Ensign Ricky type who's going to die in the next few minutes, or he's a mole. Cole is en route to the rods, and the camera focuses on Ensign Ricky a lot. I smell a mole.

They pick up radiation from the truck, and of course, the rods aren't there. There are, however, a couple of dead Russians. One guess as to who did it. Sure enough, Sark left his brother's cross at the scene. On the split screen, we see Ricky Bobby and Cale with some strippers while Dana pulls out her gun. If she really wanted this taken care of, she would have told Jack that they had information on the nuclear rods, and then let him go to work on them. Sark tells Little Bro that he's got the rods and wants his money. Well, I figured he was going to betray his father, but I thought it would have been to the feds, not to the terrorists.