Kenyon, Koalby, LaZello, and LeVoid

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

K

Kash: The man in black. Prone to hiding valuables.

Kay C: One with a bright backup band. The man behind such smash hits as Shake, Shake, Shake and I'm Your Boogeyman.

Kenneth: Creepy professor with puffy hands that can't resist the feel of young nubile flesh.

Kenyon: A chasm between mountains that often houses deer, scrub oak, and rattlesnakes.

Koalby: The cuddly hybrid marsupial created by mating a koala and a wallaby. Hops very slowly. Also, the Texan with good teeth.

Kouvasier: A derivative of Courvoisier, a liquor popular with the ghetto fabulous.

Kurt: Child will speak only in short, rude sentence fragments. Will never let you speak.


L

Laddie: Lassie littermate who was much less adept at going for help.

LaDell: La Farmer in La Dell. LaFarmer in La Dell. Hi ho the dairy-o.... LaFarmer in LaDell.

LaMond: A bicycling superhero. A child with this name will be riding a two-wheeler before he can walk.

Lancer: One who uses a sharp stick or an instrument to puncture boils.

Landon: One whose life of good will reach from the dirt roads of the prairie to the highways of Heaven.

Laslo: High-end line of skin-care products used to firm and tighten.

Lavenard: Famous for the purple hue of his testicles. Possible careers include circus freak and porn star.

LaZello: A spicy Italian gelato dessert made famous by a New Orleans chef. Bam!

Leviathan: A giant sea monster. Exception to the rule: if you hope for a child doomed to become so morbidly obese that he will have to be removed from his trailer by a crane.

LeVoid: The process your French saleswoman must follow when she makes a mistake ringing you up. The ideal location to dispose of French citizens whom you have murdered in space.

Linton: An often multicolored bit of fluff found in the navel. This child will feel extraneous and unwanted.

Logan: The substance emitted from one's mouth after extensive throat clearing.

Lon: One who mows carpet, usually outdoors. Referred to as someone who can be walked all over.

Lord: Those with strong religious beliefs will never be able to praise the child for good behavior.

Lucky: Name will be an ironic reminder of all his failures.

Luis: Most likely a busboy.

Luke: Not quite hot, not quite cold. A very average child.