This is where it all comes out, no holds barred...

You,

It's true that our relationship was fine and dandy... for the first couple of months. Then you wanted to pressure me into things like sex, even though you'll blame this one on me. You were the one who first started talking about it last August. I tried telling you that it wasn't Christian, but still you persisted. You know that I truly never really wanted that, even after you decided to try some things that led up to it, and then said that *I* was to blame, and took it away, only to change your mind after a few hours!

There was a very brief time where we insulted each other "in fun" - and I wish you would have kept it that way. I remember looking at Youtube videos with you, even when they weren't my favorite things in the world - American Idol and David Archuleta? Although I *did* like the Little House on the Prairie ones... haven't watched any since you left, though! Never mind the Beverly Hills 90210 / Young and the Restless episodes, either... those were fine, but that JERRY SPRINGER one was kinda over the top!

I should have known something was up after you didn't feel like meeting my family because you felt that they didn't like you. As far as I know, they never gave you a reason to think that way. They were probably looking out for me (like Eric did when he WARNED me not to let you borrow money), and you didn't like that. You also didn't like my talking to Candy about... anything, really. She knew what was up with you, and you sought to limit my contact with these people. You always complained whenever my sister would send you Facebook messages expressing her concern over the relationship, probably because you couldn't STAND to NOT be the ONLY opinion that mattered in my life.

You then MADE me open up MY private journal so you could see what I was writing about you. You did this numerous times. Then you blamed things on a "Mystery Person" who was sending you messages which were apparent copy-pastes of my posts. You wanted me to open up the journal so "you can say you trust me." Foolishly, I did. You also started to blame more things on me, and read my public blog just for mentions of you - THEN tell me that I shouldn't mention you at all because you're a "private" person. Dawn thinks that it really means "secretive," and she's probably right!

There was the time where you didn't want me to go on Facebook or Blog TV since I might spy on you - I should have taken that as a warning sign, but I thought it was a joke. For all I know, you were carrying on with people behind the scenes. (Lisa / Lacey / Crystal - who looks like a slut, by the way / who knows who else) The correct answer to "You weren't cheating on me as far as I know" is NOT "There you go! You should be with me!" Stupid person. Not that I would ever spy on anyone, ever... except maybe for laughs. You slowly started to keep tabs on me, and try telling me how I should dress. While I appreciated that you wanted me to look better, you were NOT dating a boy! If you truly liked me before, then you should have liked me the way I dressed a few months later!

You want to know WHY my demeanor was less than happy the time Eric and I went out to Chilliwack to celebrate your birthday?! To be honest, I felt a weight lift from my chest when we were talking about LEAVING the restaurant to drop you back off at your cousins' place. No, I didn't want to go in. Not just because I hung up on Terren that time... on another note, what kind of a name IS that? He was probably being really temperamental, and his wife Wanta might have been more soft. (what kind of a name is THAT?!) Maybe they didn't like me, but you know what? If they heard you yelling at me on the phone all the time, it was because YOU started it!

And you think that I'm the negative one. More like, YOU were negative! "I'm a positive person, babe!" Surrrrre you were, when you were constantly claiming that my family was brainwashing me, among other ludicrous claims! It's true that I probably still have my own issues with them, but that wasn't a call for YOU to try exploiting them! "You deserved what they did to you!" became "I don't think they should have done that to you" which became the original again... VERY quickly! Newsflash: I DID NOT DESERVE IT, AT ALL. NOR DID I DESERVE WHAT YOU DID TO ME. Nor did I deserve the empty promises of trips to Victoria, Port McNeill, Powell River, Kamloops, hotels, etc. I knew you didn't have the money for it, anyway - and why did I give YOU presents when I never really got any? This isn't about the material things, trust me. It's about INTEGRITY!

Remember the play-fighting? Yeah, I do too. It was fine as long as it was in FUN... but you very quickly turned it into something I was SCARED of! Then you thought that it would be fine as long as you were naked for me. Sorry, that doesn't change the SCARED feeling I got! You said that you were scared too, and that WE could go to counselling... also, that Brandon threw Zoe across a room once, and they're still together. Sorry if your friend is an ass, but that did NOT convince me. Yes, I did choke you once... but that was when you were RESTRAINING ME! Never mind that I supposedly hit you twice on live Blog TV... those were IN FUN, and clearly meant as such. Sure, Lisa recorded the conversation we were having on the phone, and that was BAD. Still, you shouldn't have been so quick to forgive THAT.

Yes, I know you were having a hard time since you couldn't find a job here. I also know that your friend Lucas died... at least, it's verifiable on Facebook. (unless there's a groupthink going on in regards to that, but I don't think there is... anything's possible!) Then your mom said your brother died... that's not verifiable to me. Still, that's no excuse to say that I wasn't emotionally available. I tried, but you said I'd go out even when you were going through those things. Melia and Angus' wedding was NOT something I'd miss, and it was scheduled LONG BEFORE Melissa told you about Lucas' death! That's what you don't seem to understand. I shouldn't ask anyone if it was OKAY that I went... sheesh! (you didn't demand I ask you before I left, but still...)

Yes, we did have good times, like meeting Ryan and Alison. I even remembered some of them in the last phone call I would ever make to you. Calling me "my little hayseed" / "Ivy" / "Violet," Richmond Sushi, IHOP, cooking together when you weren't training me to do everything FOR you with beef, cuddling on the couch, my holding your hand while you were sleeping on the couch, smelling your skin when I'd come up behind you, and other things were all very well and good. That is, until you started complaining about them and making me feel bad because I liked them! You liked the time we had at Eric's during New Year's, I know... you kept bringing it up as an example of a good time. True, and I would classify the anniversary meal as a good time. However, "we didn't even FIGHT that day!" seems a tad pathetic. Sure, we didn't fight... but on our actual anniversary, we did! Then you had the nerve to bring up threesomes with Steve... um, NO. Speaking of Steve, you KNEW he was a klepto, yet wanted me to invite him to stay. Now I know that what you're REALLY like is your cousins' friends, whom you disparaged to me as "people who just smoke pot and drink all day." Guess what you and Steve did the nights he was here? As far as I know, you didn't smoke pot... but then, you conveniently banished me to the library! (which you did, VERY often from June to August)

Eric had it right that time: why DID you put a password on MY computer when I was out? Sure, it was originally because Steve was staying over, but then that sucker should have been taken OFF the minute he left! He also stole $100 from me, although I wouldn't be surprised if it was YOU. No wonder you asked me a question once about whether I ever went through your black Bentley's bag when you were gone! I didn't, but I probably should have! I've found out that you STOLE my CHRISTMAS CARD that the CHURCH gave me last year - what kind of scumbag does THAT?! Sure, you said you weren't a scumbag when you said you wouldn't leave me because I was scared I might be pregnant... but YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DECIDED NOT TO USE A CONDOM! Not that it was GREAT, as I've said before! Although that's not the bloody POINT, really... it could have been the most mediocre sex in the world, but you didn't do it with a condom. YOUR FAULT, since you ASSUMED that I knew you wouldn't have one.

All those insults we hurled to each other "in anger" - how DARE you call me a dumb bitch, and say that I smell and am ugly? Then you tried to make it better by calling me "beautiful" and promising to be a better boyfriend. That DID work, for a while ONLY. If you're REALLY wondering why I turned into a "PENIS biter," it was because YOU pinched my nipples HARD and told me to get used to it! Get used to THAT, yourself! While we're on the subject: How dare you HIT me in a cab?! If I was thinking, I'd have ELBOWED you where it hurts. How dare you slap me after we talked about Randal, and tell me that I deserved it?! You were actually pinning me down on the bed too.... and I wasn't even HITTING you or anything! (your favorite excuse) Then there was the night that effectively ended things for me. True, I shouldn't have scratched you until you bled... but even you admitted (the next day) that it was an accident. I can't say the same for your reaction of PUSHING ME TO THE FLOOR and INTO MY BEDROOM DOOR, which is now off one of its hinges, thank you VERY much.

You told me that Randal thought my apology was half-assed... well, it was certainly sincere! You even liked that line I threw in (thanks, Karen!) at the end... the one about how the only person I had any romantic feelings for was Korey John Lee Austin. Okay, so I didn't throw your middle names in there, but you get the idea. It's true that Randal did start to avoid me, but whether that was because you TOLD him to, I don't know. Perhaps when I'm stronger, I can talk to him about things rationally. YOU LIED TO ME about not being friends with Randal anymore, last October. It's true that you said you didn't want to do this, but still... you could have sincerely done it for US! My previous feelings for him had NOTHING to do with what I told you about how I didn't feel comfortable with you two being friends, seriously. Speaking of feelings for people, you did your best to undermine what I did have for Jeremy. He is NOT ugly, and neither really was Palmer! (although, yes... Jeremy's cuter than Palmer... and cuter than YOU, even!) Sure, I shouldn't have done what I did with Palmer, but that's no call to guilt me into using my worst mistake (as of LAST August - now, my worst mistake would be YOU!) to get what YOU wanted. (me in bed with YOU!) Trust me, that is manipulative!

As for bills and money.... THANK GOD I FINALLY PAID OFF THE BILLS THAT YOU LET RUN UP! True, I should never have trusted you from April or May on, but you would always pay just enough to get by. It was YOUR idea, or so you said, to get down your tab - there never was a one last time with you, was there!? Just because YOU can do that with YOUR bills doesn't mean you can do that with MINE! You almost got my phone service CANCELLED, you lying sack of excrement! And to think my record of paying all my bills was TERRIFIC before YOU came along!

During the last week, I half-expected to see your name on my Caller ID. You wanted me to let you know whether I thought we could work "us" out - not after all the above, no. Then you emailed me yesterday to say that you'd found someone who's much better and more positive on your ego. Of course she would be, for now... I want to find the girl and warn her before it's too late. But I won't - I've told any number of people that I want nothing to do with you, and that's true. You wondered if I still loved you: the answer is that it's receding every day! True, love can't change overnight... but it inexorably did. I pity your "new girlfriend," if she even exists. You were probably cheating on me with some girl, too. Ugh.


Thankfully, no longer YOURS!


P.S. And you say you're a Christian. I don't believe you AT ALL. I'm not saying I'm the perfect Christian either, but I am better than you in that department! YOU corrupted me, and I blame YOU for my tarnish! You think Christians judge others, and automatically think they're better than others... well, I won't deny we're ALL human whether Christian or not. But that was NOT my intent upon entering into this relationship with you!

P.P.S. You never DID like my blogging, did you? Too bad... it's here to stay. It's true that I express myself better in words than YOU ever did, perhaps because you use the dreaded NETSPEAK and poor grammar. Maybe you express yourself better in person, but you shouldn't automatically tell me that NOBODY CARES about spelling and grammar. I have a LOT of people who can back me up on this one! For your information, my online friends are JUST as good as my real-life friends! (yes, you have a point about meeting random people for movie dates... but he was a creep anyhow!) I'm not saying they're more important than my real-life friends, but really.

Oh, and kindly return my LIBRARY book which you STOLE! I could keep this computer tower as collateral, you know...

Also just so you know: Screaming out a window alleviates my stress. It was NOT done for no reason at all. And I *did* tell you about the CP a LONG time ago. You did NOT just find out in October 2007, despite what you claim. Yes, I found that blog. Way to just plagiarize Wikipedia!