Past hilarious quotes: 2000 to May 2003

Instead of making a squillion backdated entries containing past hilarious quotes posted on my blog (which used to have a peripatetic "Hilarious Quotes!" feature) before it became Cross-Post Central, I'll condense them all here.

Hmm.. I should have the section back again... maybe later. :D


"Canadian ARMPIT?!" -- Mom to the three of us on the way to the church's 25th anniversary banquet. (Friday, 3 March 2000) [we were discussing the MuchMusic Top 30, and figured that the only good Canadian R&B artist was Deborah Cox... later, we said that Mom's mishearing was actually a pretty good analogy for the state of Canadian R&B, haha]

"Isn't Cordia Citrus' COUSIN?!" -- Nathan to a room full of 50 people at Hannah's Hong Kong farewell party... he was looking at Citrus' photo album from his extensive three-week family road trip vacation to San Francisco / Boston / Maine / P.E.I. / Nova Scotia / New Brunswick / Quebec / Calgary / other places. (Monday, 19 August 2000) [no, she's his SISTER... Erin remarked that she'd been away at Waterloo for THREE YEARS, and even SHE knew her people better than he did!]

"They're so brown!" -- Justin C., upon looking at one of my brother's Mexico pictures featuring a bunch of Mexican students. (Sunday, 9 March 2003) [no, he's not racist or anything.. he's just given to blurting out random things like this ALL THE TIME.. and what DID he expect, anyhow?]

"dude.. wot's with the weird name? why with such a weird title?" -- Spoz, finally commenting on some MSN name I'd had up for three days. {"Nathan: Bathroom Reader BOOK! Danielle: Collective Soul CD!"} (Tuesday, 11 March 2003) [both these friends of mine are on MSN, and I wanted my stuff back; at least I got the CD back from Danielle on March 16!]

"How do you call Canada? Your phone number looks the same as ours do down here!" -- Sarah Moore, wondering how to make a US-Canada phone call. (Tuesday, 18 March 2003) [just dial like a regular phone call with the area code :P]

"Adela, don't you think I'm voluptuous?" -- Sean, wanting to get in touch with his feminine side and asking his then-girlfriend about it. (Friday, 21 March 2003) [no, she didn't.. neither did Citrus]

"just say "yo baby I'm down with yall wantin' ta get wit me n' all, but yo lissen up: yo married man. I can't be messin with no married man cause we don't do that round where I be chillin." " -- Corey, offering his opinion on what I should have said in my email response back to a certain someone.. instead of "stuff that sounds like a business proposal.. you won't get to each other's feelings that way." (hey, I get a formal letter; I try to respond in kind) (Sunday, 23 March 2003) [he wishes me to note that this is NOT the way he talks all the time.. duly noted :) ]

"aren't decaplets.. twins born with no heads? no surprise you'd run riot with me mentioning twins [really octuplets and upwards] in a post, though.." -- Spoz, trying to figure out names for the highest of higher-order multiples.. and jokingly bugging me about multiples (Tuesday, 25 March 2003) [decaplets have nothing to do with decapitation, though I can understand why he might think that.. still, how can you be born with no head?]

"Just tell him: "Well, I'm surprised that an open-minded guy like you won't open your mind up to religious ideas.. are you afraid your mind will open up TOO much?" That'll work.." -- Karen to Dylan, jokingly suggesting a comeback to a guy who keeps telling him: "I'm surprised you're religious.. and you're such a logical guy, too!" (Friday, 28 March 2003)

"You must be up so early because you want to talk to Spoz.." -- Jon to me, trying to figure out why I'd be up at 6:30 AM after getting home at midnight. [in fact, I had a stomachache, and didn't sleep well even when I did go back to bed at 6:45.. Spoz had absolutely nothing to do with it :P] (Saturday, 29 March 2003)

"hang on.. very distracted today.. got shiny new digicam toy.. so won't be all that focused.. focused? digital camera? AHAHAHAHA.." -- Spoz, explaining why there'd be long lag times.. and reminding me of the "dead serious" joke I made to him once, entirely on purpose. (Friday, 4 April 2003)

"Spoz listens to Matt Good?" -- my brother (Jon) to me, after I told him how Spoz had helped me bypass the autorun of the enhanced features on the Avalanche CD. (Tuesday, 8 April 2003) [and no.. Spoz has never listened to Matt Good ever, in his entire life.. he just seems to think I'm obsessed with Matt Good for some bizarre reason :P]

"I'm a peripheral of your computer?" -- Cerowyn, after I told him that he was an important part of the computer.. luckily, he got what I meant a little later on. (Wednesday, 9 April 2003)

"What keeps me going is the optimistic hope that I'll be reincarnated as my dog." -- Adam, while we were talking about my apparent sunny cheer despite what I've been through / his current misanthropy. (Sunday, 13 April 2003) [I'm sure he was being completely serious, and this inclusion isn't meant to make fun of him or the dog.. but it just struck me as funny enough to put in here]


Since Citrus' MSN lines deserve their own category, here they are (those that I remember, anyhow):

CITRUS' MSN "DODGY PICK-UP LINES"

1. "Excuse me, I forgot my Bible. Can I share with you?"
2. "Wanna do some one-on-one Bible Study? Only after you finish your work."
3. "You say I'm crazy? Yes, I am.. crazy for YOU!"
4. "Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid? I think I hurt myself falling for you."


"Who? To Spoz?" -- Sarah Moore, upon my telling her that it took me at least 45 minutes to compose an email to someone. (Tuesday, 15 April 2003) [I have NEVER taken 45 minutes to compose an email to that dude.. in fact, the email was to my friend Bill Zollinger :P]

"dude.. you're having a weird reminiscing moment.. SNAP OUT'VE IT :P" -- Spoz, judging my reaction to his prank "Hot or Not" picture.. hey, allow me my memories of Eric M. and the sun shining upon him in a truly beautiful way! (Wednesday, 16 April 2003)

"You were praying for a basket of oranges once, and you got Citrus instead!" -- Nathan to Danielle, while we were discussing weird / amazing answers to prayer. (Friday, 18 April 2003) [that was definitely not true :P]

"Violence in hockey doesn't make sense because it's not part of the game, but fighting in football does.. there, it IS part of the game!" -- Alan, trying to "prove" that violence is somehow different when applied to different sports. (Friday, 18 April 2003)

"It makes more sense to celebrate Easter while you're in bed sleeping!" -- Shannon (a decided non-churchy person), when she learned that I was debating whether or not to actually go to the Sunrise service. (Saturday, Apr. 19) [no.. it doesn't really.. besides, it was enriching :P]

"I'm an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church, and I keep meaning to go tell the school to list me as a reverend.. it would be interesting to see what would happen in a class if they called out my name like that." -- Corey, telling me why it was all right that his mother slept in today and missed Easter service. (Sunday, 20 April 2003.. like I really believe that, even though he tells me you can go to some supposedly legit site and have your credentials downloaded from there :P)

"Our laundry powder has little flecks of blue in it.. they make me feel special.. coz.. they're blue and stuff.." -- Spoz, while we were discussing various white powders (flour, sugar, salt, laundry detergent, and snow). (Monday, 21 April 2003) [this grew out of a comment I made about how my brother thinks I'm on crack whenever I go into "berserk lunatic laughter mode"]

"Spoz! They've imported Spoz from Australia to sing the national anthems at the hockey game!" -- Jon, to me and Eric M. while we were listening to the hockey game in the Parisienne.. they were about to do the pre-game anthems (Friday, 25 April 2003) [yup, I *had* to tell Jon that Mark Donnelly looks like Spoz.. just because he LOOKS like Spoz, doesn't mean he IS Spoz! :P]

"It must have been a shower thing." -- Derek to Dylan, remarking on Karen and Jenny's discussion of the (pretty darned funny) "maxipad fashion show" video at Winnie's bridal shower of late July 2001. (Friday, 25 April 2003) [um, yes.. where else would you find a video of maxipads stuck on people's clothing as various fashion accessories {belt, headband, bracelet, etc.}?]

"Did you just breathe in my hair?" -- Nathan to Eric H. (Friday, 25 April 2003) [no.. Eric had just yawned, and nowhere near Nathan's hair.. a "yawn of power," as Jen termed it]

"literal ears of a pig.. cooked, of course.. ----> damn.. that's a name for ya.." -- Spoz, while we were discussing pig ears and what I had for dinner earlier that evening. (Friday, 2 May 2003) [this one was SO hilarious, it made me laugh in my sleep.. and yes, I did change my MSN name to that; got a thumbs-up, too :P]

"You know, I had to scroll a bit to see the entirety of that status message. You had me oddly intrigued when I could only read, 'I eat dic..' " -- Josh Adams, trying to twist my YM status messages (as per the usual when he sees me log on). (Wednesday, 7 May 2003) [for the record, the entirety of that one read: "I eat dictionaries" .. and NOT something else! :P]

"I want Spoz on the UB.. he needs some blueberry syrup!" -- Sarah Moore, discussing her shtick for the UnaBoard "newbie welcome thread".. and mentioning how great it would be to have Spoz there. (Wednesday, 14 May 2003) [for the record, he said no.. coz he posts on some other forums already, and adding another message board would seriously cut into his actual life]

"I find it interesting that you'll have barbecued chicken hearts, but you won't have haggis.." -- Jon to Steph, while we were eating a late meal at Richmond Sushi. (Wednesday, 14 May 2003) [they tasted all right, I suppose..]

"wot da heck?!? you keep records of this crap? (I have this odd image now.. that somehow I form the basis of some kinda behavioral thesis you're working on..)" -- Spoz, wondering at my memory for months-old MSN chats. (Tuesday, 20 May 2003) [no, I don't keep records of any chats.. and no, I'm not working on any thesis, let alone THAT kind :P]

"What are you printing out? THAT's music?!?" -- my dad, walking into the room whilst I was attempting to listen to an extremely choppy version of Subwoofer's Screaming Dementia. (Saturday, 24 May 2003) [no, it was NOT a printout, and indeed it was music.. it just sorta sounded like a bad print job gone horribly wrong :P I tried listening to another download of it later, and it sounded just fine... go figure!]

"Her name's Melody.. I can imagine you in a few years: yeah, we met at a funeral service.." -- Adela to Justin L., teasing him about some girl he saw at the funeral service for Uncle Benny the previous day. (Sunday, 25 May 2003) [that's not where you normally meet people.. try a wedding instead :P]

"Isn't Michael J. Fox the person who had cancer and lost his leg?" -- my mom, asking me and my sister about someone who a local high school / theater was named for. (Sunday, 25 May 2003) [no, that was TERRY Fox.. Michael J. Fox has Parkinson's Disease :P]

"(you should keep a tally of how many times you ask me, "read blog?" or "check my blog.. I think it's busted..") .. you'd almost think you had a webcounter on it or something.." -- Spoz, suggesting blog advice. (Tuesday, 27 May 2003) [I don't think I ask him such things THAT often, so a tally wouldn't really be justifiable.. and no, I do NOT have a webcounter or anything similar on this site.. it's just that he's the one person I really trust as far as checking blog for weird stuff goes :P]

"people from Asian countries seem to think that my picture is too handsome to be real or whatever :P" -- Corey, telling me how some people react to his picture when he sends it to them. (Friday, 30 May 2003) [he emailed it to me, and while it DOES look handsome.. I don't know about it not being real, or about it being a cutout from a magazine coz the photo quality is too poor]

"Quick! Do we have any plastic bags? There's all this dog shit in the grass, and we don't want the kids to step in it!" -- Zoe's mom, during the Awana picnic. (Saturday, 31 May 2003) [she said this (no censoring herself) in a medium-loud voice, with 50+ children within hearing distance.. she's from Hong Kong, and we seriously suspect that she learned her English from the movies :P] (Note: We also kept the kids from seeing the gay people in the park.. rainbow flags and such from a distance might not be TOO bad, but the man-woman taking off his / her shirt and going topless to cheers from that group? No way, man! This was a church function.. wouldn't want the kids going home corrupted, after all. Thank God they left before we did. :P)