Tuesday, May 18, 2004

A whole bunch of musician jokes!

Q: How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The keyboardist can do it with his left hand.
A: Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first.
A: It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.

Q: How do you get two flutists to play the same note?
A: You shoot one of 'em.

Q: Why are trombone players better lovers?

A: Well, trumpet players do it with three fingers, baritone players do it with four fingers, but trombone players do it in seven positions!


Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 5.. 1 to change the bulb, and 4 to hold the lead guitarist out of the light.


Q: If you're in a room with Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Kenny G, but you only have a gun with 2 bullets, what do you do?

A: Shoot yourself.


Q:What's the definition of a gentleman?

A: One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't!

(if anything truly offends, I apologize.. take it out even, if need be)

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to insult any instrument players or anyone involved in the awesome world of music by these jokes. Or anybody else, either.


What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?

They're both living off dead beetles.


Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?

It's called The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing.


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with. And the other you carry your groceries in.


How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?

There's a Ferris wheel parked outside his house.


The world's best and most famous conductor made a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is my last performance as a world-class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."

After a few minutes' silence from the shocked audience and orchestra, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no, you don't," his manager said, "you're not retiring."

Forced back to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said: "Dear, would you be able to get me a small handgun?" "Yes, dear," she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor had a small handgun concealed in his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said: "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance."

The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted, "You can't be serious!" and the conductor whipped out his handgun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away.

Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?" the judge inquired. "Guilty, your Honor," the conductor replied. "Do you realize the sentence for first-degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?" the judge asked. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes, your Honor," the conductor said.

While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said: "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering a few seconds, the conductor replied: "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor ate the bananas.

The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair, and the law says we have to let him go."

The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work," his manager said.

More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with his wife, he asked: "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes, dear," she replied.

At the next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!" he yelled. He took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again.

"You again?" asked the judge. "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago." The conductor shrugged. "Okay, how do you plead to 23 counts of first-degree murder?" the judge asked. "Guilty to all counts," replied the conductor.

While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver platter with two dozen bananas," was his answer. He ate the bananas, the room was evacuated, and the switch was flicked.

It appeared that they'd managed to kill him this time, but the conductor regained consciousness when they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him as he left the building. "Back to work!"

The weeks dragged on, and the conductor couldn't take it any more. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?" he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes, dear," she replied.

He didn't even wait for the concert to start. "F#ck yas all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 band members. The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.

"Jesus Christ, you again? You're supposed to be DEAD!" the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged. "May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first-degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!" the conductor screamed. "The b*stards deserved it!" He was hauled away.

A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the city's electrical engineers were busy rerouting a massive dose of voltage into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter," he said.

He ate the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some two kilometres away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body.

His funeral was held some days later, and as the casket was being lowered into the grave, there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of the coffin -- alive!

He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked, "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"

"I've tried telling people before," he said. "I'm just a bad conductor."


A violist is sitting in the front row crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist what's wrong. The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor says, "Well, that's a bit childish. But it's nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replies, "He won't tell me which one."


How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll take it.


What did the drummer get in his IQ test?



What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

There's no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so big.


Why are viola jokes so short?

So violinists can understand them.


How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.


How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't get up that high.


Why is a violinist like a scud missile?

Both are offensive and inaccurate.


Why don't viola players suffer from piles?

Because arseholes are in the first violin section.


How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin.


Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed to each take an afternoon off so that they could watch the matinée performance from the front of the house. Joe duly took his break. Back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.

"Great," said Joe. "You know that part where the music goes BOOM boom boom boom? Well, there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a bullfighter at the same time."


Why are harps like elderly parents?

Both are unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.


How do you get piccolos to play in unison?

Shoot one.


Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?

The bassoon burns longer.


What is a burning oboe good for?

Setting a bassoon on fire.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.


Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?

Because it makes a bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.


What is the definition of "nerd" ?

Someone who owns their own alto clarinet.


What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?



What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower.

Lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it. The grip.


What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?

I don't know, either.


In an emergency, a jazz trumpeter was hired to play solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything was great through the first movement when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement, she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert, the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said: "I looked in the score, and it said tacit -- so I took it."


What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chainsaw?

Vibrato, plus it's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.


How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?

The doorbell drags.


What is a gentleman?

Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.


What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?

An optimist.


What's the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.


What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?



What's the difference between a French horn section and a '57 Chevy?

You can tune a '57 Chevy,


A woman had gone a long, long time without so much as the hope of a relationship. When she finally picked up a good-looking guy and went out with him, her friends were curious as to how it went.

"What's he like?" a friend asked.

"Oh.. he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know."

"Did he have class?"

"Well.. most of the time, yes. But I don't think I'll be going out with him again."

"Oh, why not?"

"Well, he plays the French horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!"


Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?

So you don't have to retrain the drummers.


What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.


How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?

The knock always slows down.


Why do bands have bass players?

To translate for the drummer.


What's the difference between a drummer and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.


What do drummers use for birth control?

Their personalities.


If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, who would hit the ground first?

The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions. Still, who cares.


What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.


What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?

The jewellery.


How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.


What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?

Stage makeup.


What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?

One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.


How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?

The horses seem relieved.


What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?

Gets up and goes home.


What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?

Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.


A jazz musician dies and goes to Heaven, where an angel takes him by the hand and says: "Hey man, welcome! You've been elected to the Jazz Allstars of Heaven -- right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. And we've got a gig tonight! Only one problem -- God's girlfriend gets to sing."


What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?

A tenor.


How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.


Where is a tenor's resonance?

Where his brain should be.


What's the definition of a male quartet?

Three men and a tenor.


What's the difference between a World War and a high school choral performance?

The performance causes more suffering.


Why do high school choruses travel so often?

Keeps assassins guessing.


There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.


What's it mean when a guitar player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

The stage is level.


How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

Give him some sheet music.


Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.


How many country and western singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the light bulb, and two to sing about how great the old one was.


What happens if you play blues music backwards?

Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.


What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?

I didn't wake up this morning.


How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?

One, two, three. One, two, three...


Two musicians are driving down the road when they glance into the rearview mirror and, to their horror, see the Grim Reaper sitting in the back seat. He informs them that they've had an accident and have both died. But before he takes them off into Eternity, he'll grant each musician one last request -- something to remind them of their past life on Earth.

The first says that he was a country and western musician, and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hurrah. The second musician says, "I was a jazz musician... kill me now."


What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?

The bull has the horns in front and the arsehole in the back.


A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first?

The conductor. Business before pleasure.


Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?

They've had so little use.


What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?

The sack.


What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr. Scholl's Foot Pads?

Dr. Scholl's Foot Pads buck up the feet.


What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?

There are some things a pig just won't do.


What's the ideal weight for a conductor?

About two and a half pounds, including the urn.


A musician calls a symphony orchestra's office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 30 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last, she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."


A musician arrives at the Pearly Gates. "What did you do when you were alive?" asks St. Peter.

"I was the principal trombone player of the City of Birmingham Orchestra."

"Excellent, we have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal?"

So when the time for the next rehearsal comes, our friend presents himself with his heavenly trombone. As he takes his seat, God moves in a mysterious way to the podium, and taps his baton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turns to the angelic second trombonist and whispers, "So what's God like as a conductor?"

"Oh, he's okay most of the time. But occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."


It was the night of a grand concert and all the celebrities and notables had turned up to hear it. But around 8:00, there was still no sign of the conductor. The theatre manager was desperate, fearful of refunding everyone's money.

He went backstage and asked the musicians if any of them could conduct. None of them could. He went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. No luck. He started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the performance. No luck.

He went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. No luck whatsoever. By now, the concert was 20 minutes late in starting. The crowd was getting restless, and would soon be demanding their money back.

The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat sitting on a fire hydrant, a dog peeing on a tree, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck!" he exclaimed. "What do we have to lose?!"

So the manager went up to the cat and asked him: "Mr. Cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed, "I don't know. I'll try." But although it tried really hard, it couldn't stand upright on its hind legs.

The manager sighed, thanked the cat, and then asked the dog: "Mr. Dog, do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed, "Let me see." But although it managed to stand on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement. "Nice try," the manager told the dog.. and turned in utter desperation to the horse.

"Mr. Horse, how about you? Can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second, and wordlessly turned around, presented its hind end.. and started swishing its tail in perfect 4/4 time.

"Thank God!" yelled the manager. "The concert can go on!" However, the horse then dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified and told the manager, "We can't have this horse conduct. What would the orchestra think?!"

The manager looked first at the horse's rear end, and then at the plop lying in the street. He replied: "Trust me -- from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor."


Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and a blind snake. One day, the blind rabbit was happily hopping down the path towards his home when he bumped into someone. Apologizing profusely, he said: "I'm blind and didn't see you there."

"Perfectly all right," said the snake. "I'm blind too, and couldn't see to step out of your way."

They conversed in a friendly fashion and finally the snake said, "This is the best conversation I've had with anyone for years. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you're like?"

"No," said the rabbit, "feel away."

So the snake wrapped himself round the rabbit and snuggled his coils and said: "Ummmmmm, you're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly.. and those ears! You must be a rabbit."

"That's right," said the rabbit. "May I feel you?"

"Go right ahead."

And the snake stretched himself out full-length on the path. The rabbit stroked the snake's body and then drew back in disgust.

"Shit," he said. "you're cold, and slimy.. you must be a conductor!"


"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?"

"Of course you can," her mother replied. "how do you think conductors are made?"


There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician, and the other didn't have any money either.


What's the first thing a musician says at work?

Would you like fries with that?


St. Peter is checking people in at the Pearly Gates. The first is a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in your life?" asks St. Peter.

"Well, I struck oil," says the Texan. "so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels. I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are set for about three generations."

St. Peter says: "Very good, come in."

The second guy in line says: "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated $5 million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful," says St. Peter. "Who's next?"

A third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look: "Well, I only made $5000 in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens," said St. Peter. "what instrument did you play?!"


St. Peter's checking people into Heaven. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"

The man replies, "I was a doctor."

St. Peter says, "Fine, go right through the Pearly Gates. Next. What did you do on Earth?"

"I was a schoolteacher."

"Go right through those Pearly Gates. And what did you do on Earth?"

"I was a musician."

"Go round the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen."


What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?

The seamstress tucks up the frills.


What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano?

The seamstress tucks and frills.


Definition of a string quartet: A good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists.. all getting together to complain about composers.


How is lightning like a violist's fingers?

Neither one strikes in the same place twice.


How do you keep a violin from getting stolen?

Put it in a viola case.


What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.


What do you do with a dead violist?

Move him back a desk.


What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.


What's the difference between a viola and an onion?

No one cries when you cut a viola.


What's the definition of "perfect pitch" ?

Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.


Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?

They can't find the key, and they don't know when to come in.


How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?

The bow is moving.


Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?

They both give a nice warm feeling without making any sound.


Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?

Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.


Why don't violists play hide and seek?

Because no one will look for them.


What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.


A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship.

"Help!" cried the cellist. "I can't swim."

"Don't worry," said the violist. "just fake it."


A violist came home and found his house burned to the ground. When he asked what happened, the police told him: "Well, apparently the conductor came to your house and..."

The violist's eyes lit up and he interrupted excitedly, "The conductor? Came to my house?!"


A viola player decides he's had enough of being a viola player, the butt of all jokes. So he decides to change his instrument. He goes into a shop and says, "I want to buy a violin." The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says: "You must be a viola player."

The viola player is astonished. "Well, yes.. I am, but how did you know?"

"Well, this is a fish and chip shop."


A man went on a safari in darkest Africa. The native guides took him deep into the jungle where they could hear the screeching of birds and the howling of wild animals. After a few days of travel, he was being driven crazy by the constant drumming noise in the background.

He asked the leader of the guides what the drumming was. He got no answer, just a stony silence. They travelled deep into the jungle, and the drumming got louder. But nobody would explain it.

Finally one morning, after days of ever-louder drumming, there was a sudden silence.. whereupon the native guides screamed and hid in the undergrowth.

"What's wrong? Why have the drums stopped?" the man asked.

The native guides chorused, "Very bad."


"When drum stops, very bad. Next comes viola solo!"

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