Fawntelle, Fulvia, Geisha, and Grizelda

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.


F

Falana: The low-fat alternative to a Spanish custard dessert.

Fannie: An old-fashioned name that speaks of maiden aunts, crocheted doilies, and (sadly enough) a big fat ass.

Fanny: Just name her Butt and be done with it.

Fantasie: This should only be used as a stage name for exotic dancers. Period. In many states, the DMV will not print this on a driver's license.

Farrah: The sex symbol of the '70s whose attempts at self-preservation have virtually reached mummification levels. Females with this name have absolutely no hope of growing old gracefully.

Fatima: Though popular in the Muslim world, no female child growing up in body-conscious America should have the word "fat" in her name.

Faundaree (FOUND-uh-ree) - A place where metal items are fabricated through high temperatures and constant pounding.

Fawn: A deer, a female deer. Ray, a... oh wait. That's all wrong.

Fawn-Dew: A delicious cheesy dish. Also, the droppings of a baby deer. Make sure to read the menu carefully.

Fawntelle: The soft spot at the top of a newborn baby's head. Should harden over by one or two years of age.

Fayme: An immortal child prone to singing and dancing on the steps of public buildings, cars, and lightposts in major urban areas.

Fedora: A man's hat. Once the hallmark of a snappy dresser, now it's just plain poseur. (I once met a little girl named Fedora in the toddler Sunday School...)

Fern: An ancient plant with long stems and multiple leaves with seed pods. In harsher climates, usually found in sunrooms. The plant to which people refer when they tell someone she has the intelligence of a common houseplant.

Ferol: A gasoline additive that makes engines run cleaner. Also an animal that, while technically domesticated, exhibits antisocial tendencies and often has barely detectable ringworm.

Flavia: A tasty clam.

Fulvia: Once in the running with anatomy classes as the funniest name for a female body part. Of late, it has been replaced by Mulva.


G

Gala: Flamboyant wife of Salvador Dali. Also, a fabulous party. An especially flavorful and crispy apple used for baking or just plain snacking.

Galaxy: A far-out place in the heavens. A child named Galaxy will abbreviate her name to "G." when applying for an MBA program.

Garnetta: Only semiprecious.

Garridan: A shrewish, mean old woman. We know that's actually a harridan. But it's close enough.

Gazelle: A lithe, fast animal of the African savannah often seen being torn to shreds by its quadruped predators. Inevitably, this name will be shorted to Gaz.

Geddy: Lead singer of Rush.

Geisha: A pale, quiet, subservient child adept at shiatsu massage.

Gentle: Peaceful, calm, and placid. Let's see if you think she's gentle when she starts teething.

Geo: From the Greek, meaning "earth." Will be voted most likely to be a headliner for Cirque du Soleil. Small American-made compact car that resembles a roller skate.

Gertrude: Hamlet's mother. A good name for a maiden aunt.

Gladys: AKA Happy Bum.

Glamour: An excellent drag name. Not so appropriate for a kindergartener who pushes little boys and forces them to eat dirt.

Glee: The misty spray that emerges from underneath your tongue at inopportune, often exciting, moments.

GlenDora: Long-lost twin sister of Endora, the mother-in-law from Bewitched.

G'ni (nee) - A follower of the knights who say...

Godiva: Chocolate-loving equestrian with a dislike for clothing and taxes.

Golda: Sister of Silvera and Coppera.

Golden: A child of the retriever species. Also a flaxen-haired beauty who thinks she's soooo cool.

Grace: The most uncoordinated girl in ballet class.

Grizelda: Almost certainly the name of the evil stepmother in any fairy tale, with a hair-control problem and a taste for honey.

Guinevere: A beautiful queen with commitment issues.

Gypsy: Stage name of the most famous stripper of the twentieth century. A thief and a horse trader.