Valiant, Veikko, Wex, and Worley

Computer restarted just when I was in the middle of editing stuff. UGH!

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.


V

Va Loy: A fabric hybrid with the strength of metal and texture of velour.

Vachel (VAY-chel) - A small French cow. Also, a Russian transvestite.

Valgene: A fast-acting cream used to treat yeast infections.

Valiant: A brave prince destined to a life of bowl cuts.

Valno: An industrial oil-cutting solution used in fast-food restaurant grease traps.

Van: A boxlike motor vehicle, the white windowless variety being the conveyance of choice for kidnappers and miscreants.

Vane: A blade attached to a shaft that is moved by fluid. The inclusion of "shaft" and "fluid" in the definition should dissuade you from this name.

Vanoy: An Australian boxlike motor vehicle. "That's my van, oy!" See also Van.

Vegas: A town full of sinners and whores. Child will be plagued by the saying, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

Veikko: A Finnish activist in the anti-apartheid movement. Not as effective in Finland as he could have been in South Africa.

Vekvek: Artificial wood used for exterior decking.

Vernal: Utah desert area well known by fossil hunters as the home of Dino the pink dinosaur.

Verv: Energetic and exciting. Destined to be a male cheerleader or Broadway dancer.

Victor: Winner. Also, effective stage name for male impersonators.

Vinyl: A flexible, shiny faux leather used to make unattractive furniture and clothing. See also Pleather and Huggy Bear.

Vincent: That great scary voice from the haunted house at Disneyland.

Viper: A poisonous, legless, belly-crawling reptile with bad eyesight, whose only purpose in life is to eat rodents and procreate.

Vladimir: A fifteenth-century Slavic ruler known for impaling and brutally torturing thousands of his subjects. He is also widely believed to have been a blood-sucking ghoul.


W

Wade: To walk in or through water, from the Old English for "river crossing." Isn't afraid to wear capri pants.

Wagner: Maker of fine power tools and paint sprayers.

Waldo: A bespectacled, wool-hat-and-striped-shirt-wearing character. A child with this name will be driven insane with taunts of "Where's Waldo?" Known to often wander off.

Walker: A Texas law enforcement officer, played most convincingly by Chuck Norris. A child with this name will feel compelled to wear ten-gallon hats and enormous belt buckles. Also may be drawn to the martial arts.

Wayne: To gradually decrease or deflate, as in "My interest in him is Wayneing."

Wex: A New Age exercise for developing biceps and triceps. Wex on, Wex off.

Wilber: A talking pig with an affinity for spiders.

William / Willy: Also known as Slick, a child with this name will not be able to duck comparisons to the forty-second president of the United States or an angry, animated, Scottish groundskeeper. Later in life, women will say this name with a questioning upward lilt and a wink.

Wisely: With wisdom. You might as well name your son Teacher's Pet, considering how the kids at school will react every time the teacher says his name.

Wolfe: A carnivorous mammal related to the dog. As a teen, a boy with this name will only feel comfortable dating in groups. Later in life, he will be drawn to seedy nightclubs.

Wolfgang: A somewhat effeminate chef, and a composer with a creepy German accent.

Woodrow: British slang for an erection. Avoid any names with "wood."

Woody: While marvelous in one-on-one encounters, embarrassing in most group situations. Also, a small red bird that pecks on trees and has an annoying laugh. British slang for an erection.

Worley: An Old English name meaning "an erection." A pubescent rite of passage where a nerd's head is placed in a toilet and repeatedly flushed, giving his hair a swirled appearance.

Wouter: An electric woodworking tool. Also a Sears hardware department manager recognized for top sales in wenches and skwew dwivews.

Wright: Correct, Mr. Wrong.

Wyatt: A member of Wild West law enforcement remembered for a shooting incident at the OK Corral. Will have difficulty obtaining a concealed weapons permit.

Wyclef: A Y-shaped facial deformity generally found around the eyes. Often corrected by surgery, this defect encourages men to grow unibrows.

Wylie: A haggard coyote. This child will have remarkable drive, yet be prone to failure. Also, good with kids.