Major, Maverick, Narcissus, and Nestor

The computer just restarted, and Sylver added me on Facebook.

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

M

Mack: Generic name that bartenders use for a Pall Mall-smoking, beer-guzzling customer. Note the K is silent. Also, a large five-ton semi.

Major: A really big recording company. An officer in the armed forces, but not high enough on the totem pole to qualify as a namesake.

Marcus: Request made by female fans of tattoo artists during MTV Spring Break in Florida. Exception to the rule: last name Oreallyus.

MarVel: Having run out of ideas for superheroes, a comic book company decides to create a superhero in its own image.

Mason: A glass receptacle used for canning. Also, a bricklayer extraordinaire.

Matthew / Matt: A dull child. Also, a piece of fabric used in front of a door for wiping one's shoes.

Maverick: A renegade. Also, an appallingly bad Western starring Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster.

Mavryck: Hideous, hideous variant of Maverick, which is bad enough in and of itself.

Max: The top. The most. This child will be teased with a feminine napkin nickname, or mimicked with a surfer / valley girl (like Moon Zappa) accent. This child will also likely wear glasses with thick black frames and a plaid sport coat to play the ponies.

Maxwell: A pseudointellectual coffeehouse regular who stirs his latte with a hammer.

Maynard: A failed condiment consisting of mayonnaise, ox testicle, and mustard.

Merlin: A mythical wizard of great prowess, but unfortunate naming.

Migdol: An analgesic that relieves menstrual cramps.

Milo: Southern expression of surprise.

Monroe: An unpopular and experimental hors d'oeuvre made from caviar. Also, a man of questionable sexuality living on TV in San Francisco in the '80s. His questionable sexuality is only questionable because the network at the time would not allow for clarity.

Montee: An icy cold dessert treat.


N

Nad: A testicle. "I fell off my bike and cracked my Nad!"

Narcissus: In Greek mythology, a young man who was so beautiful that he was pursued by men and women. He did not return their affections, and was cursed to spend his days staring at himself in a pond, where he fell in love with himself. Because the face in the pond could not love him back, Narcissus turned into a flower, wasted away, and died. But enough about me, what do YOU think of me?

Neon: Bright artificial light hated by all those subjected to its unflattering glow.

Nero: Though small in stature, will grow up to own an successful chain of pizza parlors. Will also have an unexplainable attachment to stringed instruments and fire.

Nestor: A Greek leader in the Trojan War. His military prowess gave him great respect, but his rambling storytelling and often irrelevant advice pained his friends.

Nicholas / Nick: Often called jolly and old, this kid will be prone to shaving cuts and tobacco addiction.

Nicodemus: Skin rash often seen as a side effect of smoking.

Nixon: The thirty-seventh president of the United States. Your child will most likely be prone to surreptitious behavior, including recording your conversations and having your room searched periodically by his friends.

Noah: A sea captain and animal breeder.

Noah-Lot: Maybe this is better than naming a child Know-It-All. Maybe.