Going through old email prompted this entry...

While going through my old email earlier, I saw one from Korey. The snippet said "I love you, beautiful... you were supposed to call me..." Instantly, I knew when that was from. I resisted replying to the email with something that really wouldn't have been appropriate, and just deleted the conversation forever. Same with the FUBAR invite from around the same time! I don't mind if people send me virtual drinks, but I don't need another application to do so! My mom wondered about it since he'd sent her one too, and asked who the girl was in the picture - one of his good friends, Millie. He had a lot of good friends... fair enough, but I was jealous of at least ONE of them with cause. That is, if what he said is true about Lacey.

I've also been thinking about how I both love and hate him at the same time. Right now, the news which I'd like to hear is of him dying in a fiery car accident. Then my Christian side kicks in and says that I shouldn't feel that way - I KNOW THAT! I've wondered whether things would be different had I just been more patient and loving, but then I also know that I did my damn level best. Sometimes I actually miss HIM, but not the whole drama that came with it! Maybe some of it was my fault, I think, and things really might have been different had I let him stay... but then, I know Kathy / Candy / Mandy will be around to give me a good butt-kicking, heh. I really didn't want him back, and at least I was strong enough to say so on the phone!

Honestly... the things I cry at these days? The various supportive messages in my inbox, for one. My ex tried to undermine my trust in practically ANYONE who was close to me: "Jeremy is ugly! Candy is OLD! [51, and so 20 years older than I] Eric is closer to ME and tells me EVERYTHING since I can always get it out of him, even if you've known him for 20+ years! K does tell me things on the phone! Jen is close to me, and you're just trying to get close to her since you and I are dating! [he said the same thing about Eric] Randal is closer to ME like he's my brother!" Ugh. Now I don't know if I can trust a bunch of people! But then... "look what you did to Randal and me" kinda proves he really wasn't going to give up that friendship, no matter what he said a month ago!

I think I can trust people, but I'm not sure how much they'd say to a particular someone. He was always GOSSIPING about me on the phone to his mom or his friends! Sure, I did things for him as his "princess and a beautiful sacrifice, and a pixie jellybean," but it ultimately wasn't enough. He told his mom about the time I was tipsy on a bit of wine cooler at Safeway, when WE actually shopped "together" to prepare for Steve's arrival.... and about my losing my keys and bus pass all the time! I don't know what he told his friends when I was out, obviously. But I didn't really say anything BAD about him to MY friends... he says he called Jen to ask her about a status message I had up on "loving FREEDOM!" - yeah, we were commiserating about guys in the back parking lot once!

Ah.... too many memories....

Part of me wonders whether he's going through the same thoughts I am... but I know he isn't. He never really was that sort of person, no matter how much he SAID he was! There was this one time where he called me rude in front of Steve, shook his fist at me in a menacing manner (also in front of Steve), and called me a bunch of names. Steve had to hear this, and even told me: "You're a very sweet girl. You don't deserve this verbal abuse!" Very true, even if it came from a smoker "kleptomaniac." (now I'm doubting what Korey told me about that... who knows WHAT was true really!)