Sunday dinner update / Gender of everyday items / 100 Ways to be a Better @$$hole

Hey, I got a "Sunday dinner update" from Jon!

Hey guys:

Sorry for the lack of any Sunday dinners for the past 2 weeks, but we're back on track this week! I think we'll be headed to Nathan's house, where he promises to cook something. To be honest, I don't really know exactly what we'll be eating, but just letting you know about the dinner now (to whet your appetite for Sunday).

Thanks, and there'll be more info about this sometime this week.

Jon

That should be good... :D


What gender is it?

If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example...

Ziploc Bags - Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Copier - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire - Male, because it goes bald... and often, it's overinflated.

Hot Air Balloon - Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges - Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

Web Page - Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Subway - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control - Female... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.


100 Ways to be a Better @$$hole

Ways to be a Better @$$hole
by Sinister Fiend

1. Argue with everybody.
2. Touch the paintings at the museum.
3. Get hysterical.
4. Threaten lawsuits.
5. Insinuate, implicate, and insist.
6. If you got it, flaunt it.
7. Eat produce at the grocery store and don't pay for it.
8. Gamble with the rent money.
9. Record over a borrowed VCR tape.
10. Tell people that they are in your will, even if they aren't.
11. Don't get caught.
12. Stay directly in front or behind fire trucks and ambulances.
13. When giving out directions, leave out a turn or two.
14. Don't make up your mind.
15. Improve your posture by walking with your nose in the air.
16. Remind people who lose their job that they should work harder.
17. Talk with your mouth full.
18. Accuse, confuse, and refuse.
19. Comment on the weight gain of others.
20. Adjust your nuts (boobs) whenever you want.
21. Keep a pile of wisecracks for tense and serious situations.
22. Answer a question with a question.
23. See what it takes for the lifeguard to blow the whistle.
24. Don't give to charities unless you get something back.
25. Add the straw that breaks the camel's back.
26. Clean your fingernails at the dinner table.
27. Tell people what they think they wanna hear.
28. Notice good ideas and pass them on as your own.
29. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner or hotel reservations.
30. Don't volunteer for the back seat and never take the middle one.
31. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
32. Never do anything until you have been asked twice.
33. Put off until tomorrow whatever you can do the day after tomorrow.
34. Spot test "Wet Paint" signs.
35. Go up on the down escalator and vice versa.
36. Don't shower after a hard workout.
37. Lie about your age.
38. Change channels every two seconds.
39. Develop at least 3 strategies for cutting in front of a car.
40. Underline in other people's books.
41. Slurp your soup.
42. If you can't think of something nice, say something nasty.
43. Be judgmental.
44. Announce when you're going to the bathroom. (but my friends are exempt from this!)
45. Read over people's shoulders on the bus.
46. Ignore deadlines.
47. Revenge is sweet... so get some.
48. Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you're at it, leave the cap off.
49. Curse the umpire at a Little League game.
50. When it says "Reserved Parking," that means you.
51. Take the labels off unopened cans.
52. Cover up your mistakes and pass the blame.
53. Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one that you want.
54. Borrow handkerchiefs to blow your nose.
55. When you're done with your gum, stick it under the chair.
56. If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it.
57. Bribe little kids... because they're easy!
58. Put a rude message on someone else's answering machine.
59. Measure people by their money and the clothes they wear.
60. Be ambiguous, since it lets you work both sides of the issue.
61. Leave your underwear in the sink.
62. Chew other people's pencils.
63. Support the death penalty for parking tickets.
64. Get a backseat driver's license.
65. Dish it out, but don't take it.
66. Be a perfectionist in absolutely everything.
67. Apologize a lot, but don't change.
68. Change the rules to suit your needs.
69. Put your cigarette out in planters.
70. Wear a shirt that says 'F*ck You' or something to that effect.
71. Pull the covers over to your side.
72. Eat cookies or crackers in bed.
73. Let doors slam behind you or in people's faces.
74. Repeat yourself.
75. Repeat yourself.
76. Tell your kids 'How it was...' back when you were a kid.
77. Vividly describe a hysterectomy to your date before ordering dinner.
78. Scribble your signature on important documents.
79. Use the whole can of starter fluid on the charcoal.
80. Put things back where they don't belong.
81. Take a colicky baby to the movies.
82. Have belching contests in restaurants.
83. Make the same mistake twice.
84. Pee in the swimming pool.
85. Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic, and then cut in.
86. Wear a large hat to the movies.
87. Always have an ulterior motive.
88. Always take the biggest piece.
89. Forget the pooper scooper when walking your dog.
90. Take cheap shots.
91. Take forever to find a word in Scrabble.
92. Cause gridlock.
93. Get up on the wrong side of the bed.
94. Change your mind.
95. Glue a chip on your shoulder.
96. Put salt in sugar containers.
97. Blow out other people's birthday candles.
98. Don't refill the ice cube tray.
99. Ask people what they paid for their clothes.
100. Cut people off in the middle of their sentences.
101. Practice pulling the wool over people's faces.