Sunday, January 01, 2012

I don't believe you're dying, not even for a second...

2012 wasn't even that old when it decided to provide me with some laughs! Eric sent me this email at 1:37 AM:

Hello Leslie,
Korey has received some bad news regarding his health. He has asked me to pass on an email of thanks and apology to you. Feel free to read it or do whatever you like with this email. I will keep it on hand.


Hi Leslie,

I am writing you this email to let you know I am very sorry. I am dying Leslie. Doc says I have less then 6 months left to live, maybe less than that he is saying. I got a second opinion so I know it going to happen. I want to apologize for ever hurting you or making you cry. I am sorry I wasn't the man you wanted me to be. I love you Leslie, you're a good person. You were a big part of my life and when I die piece of my heart will I am thankful you took good care of me and you loved me. I remember the first time we met and our first date. Leslie thank you for being in my life. No tears, you should be proud of yourself and your character.

Live, Laugh, Love

My reply:

Hey, Eric. Are you sure he's not trying to manipulate us again into 27 different levels of hell?! "When I die piece of my heart will" - uh yeah, I'm pretty sure more than a piece of your heart will die if YOU actually do go into the grave, buddy! I kinda get what he's trying to say, but I really don't know. Can you personally verify this using another source other than him?

Tears? As a mark of respect for you, Eric, you don't want to know what the tears would be! Yes, I know I am a snarky disillusioned bitch or whatever, but for your sake, don't ask. As for thanking me for being in his life, I have not been in that dubious position for FOUR YEARS! He should be telling that to YOU if what he says is even true.

Sorry, but I require a death certificate... preferably a non-faked one! Or maybe that's just me being morbid. Who knows. I choose not to believe this email until you can verify it using a secondary source. You, I trust. Him, not so much.

I posted this to ONTD, and they provided me with support for staying cold and distant. My FB statuses: "I don't know what to do with this email that just arrived in my inbox. Part of me wants to laugh my head off (almost typed "heads" - I AM NOT MEDUSA!!!), and part of me just doesn't care. Oh well.... GOOD RIDDANCE, 2011. Will NOT miss you in any way, shape, or form! Bring on 2012 - THE YEAR OF THE FIRE DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY YEAR!!!!!!!!!!" and "I have decided on a reaction: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If your goal was to get me to think of you, congratulations. You did succeed, but not in the way you imagine. My Internet support network and I are all laughing at your miserable pathetic attempts to get me to sympathize with your 'health problems.' I will still NOT be contacting you."

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