Dumping dead bodies into the swamp, screwing up suicide attempts, and evening air

I love the crisp evening air, for sure! This is tonight's JACK BAUER episode:

Kayla Hassan goes to see her boyfriend, who is about to be transferred to the embassy so he can be tortured... I mean, interrogated. She says that she thought telling her father about them would help matters, which just shows how dumb she is. What father wouldn't look to get rid of his daughter's idiot boyfriend by having him detained indefinitely and tortured? He tells Kayla all about his plans to escape, and I'm sure it will all go off without a hitch. If he wants to escape, he should let CTU take him into custody.

Cole tries to resuscitate the two dead hillbillies, but his efforts are as successful as Freddie Prinze Jr.'s movie career. Cole comes up with a plan to dump the bodies in the swamp and strip the van. "No one will miss them," he says, and I actually agree with him there. You know who would have been perfect as Cole? Keanu Reeves. Like Freddie, his facial expressions never change, but he's more believable as a badass. Too bad The Day The Earth Stood Still ended up making some money. Otherwise, Keanu might have been desperate for TV work...

Bubba gives the President the bad news, but he says the most reassuring words he can: "Jack Bauer has agreed to bring him in." That's more comforting than when Marcellus Wallace told Julius he was bringing in the Wolf. Bubba talks about some Kamistan intelligence group (IRQ, IRC? Who knows?) that had ties to the terrorists. Their files are really important, and President Taylor agrees to ask Hassan for help. Bubba then grows some stones, and tells Weiss he won't help him nail Renee. That'll be Jack's job.

Bauer is going over the plans, and he gets a call from Little Bro. Little Bro is scared, and Jack assures him that he'll be safe once CTU arrives. In other words, Little Bro is screwed. Presidents Hassan and Taylor have a meeting of the minds. Taylor wants the identities of Hassan's "assets" in the U.S., and Hassan resists. Taylor then threatens him by saying she'll attack Kamistan if this bomb goes off on U.S. soil. That is, if she can find it on the map. Hassan finally agrees to turn over the files, which of course means that he won't.

Kayla's boyfriend has a key to his handcuffs and, shockingly, he actually makes his escape rather easily. He has a gun and a key and everything. Maybe you guys should have frisked him before putting him in the van. The field team finally gets to Little Bro, and I'm shocked he's still alive. Bubba tells him to stay put, but Little Bro decides to make a run for it. Predictably, he gets shot, and CTU has to work quickly to get info out of him before the sniper inevitably escapes the perimeter.

Jack is waiting for the Kamistan intelligence files, but they still haven't uploaded. They must be on dial-up or something. Meanwhile, President Taylor easily sets up a video conference with her national security team. I guess she got a good deal on her high-speed internet connection. They talk about casualty estimates, and it's the same old song and dance. Lots of people dead, decades before the city can be inhabited again, no way to evacuate everyone, blah blah blah. You know, this is the third or fourth time the country has faced a nuclear attack since this show came on the air. You'd think the government would have put together a better response plan by now.

Hassan finds out that his aide escaped, and realizes that his daughter is going to meet him. Time to torture his daughter. They decide to celebrate with some making out, and that should keep them busy for the rest of the episode. Provided he lasts longer than Vladimir or President Logan. Little Bro is dead, the sniper escaped, and the rods are nowhere to be found. So it's another day at the office for CTU. Jack comes up with a plan to convince the terrorists that Little Bro is still alive in the hopes of drawing them out. See Bubba, aren't you glad Jack is back in the picture?

Cole and Dana are committing an environmental crime by dumping waste in the swamp. Since Dana has her priorities in order, she asks Cole about their future. Fox News reports Little Bro is alive, and I'm sure you can believe everything they say. They decide to send someone named "Marcos" to finish the job since he has an American mother. Cut to Marcos inside the truck, and he calls his mother to tell her to get out of the city, and go to Aunt Shelley's. Well, now we know what CTU will use to bargain with him. Jack tells the EMTs to make Little Bro look alive. They can watch Weekend at Bernie's for tips. Jack then asks Agent Owen if he's okay, and Owen looks like he's about to puke. Suddenly, Cole isn't looking so bad.

President Taylor makes sure her bunker is set up so that she'll be safe from the blast. Glad to know she has her best interests at heart. Hassan comes in and says he'll stay put because he's worried about his daughter. President Taylor is like: "I'd let my daughter die in the blast, but that's just me." Renee calls Jack and thanks him. Jack says he meant it when he said he wanted to be there for her, and Renee looks happy. He tells her to go to his apartment and wait for him, and she agrees. Man, what a pimp! Setting up a booty call in the midst of a national security operation.

CTU shocks everyone by identifying Marcos immediately. He looks like he has a bomb strapped to him, and Chloe says she can disarm the bomb remotely. Jack tells Agent Owen to cooperate with Marcos, and Agent Owen looks like he's just been called into the principal's office or something. Hassan calls his wife right as she is about to take off from the airport, and asks her to try and reach out to Kayla. Man, with the way this show distorts time, I would have thought she'd already be back in Kamistan by now. Then again, the pilots were probably trying to find it on the map, explaining the delay. That and I'm sure Mrs. Hassan was picked for a completely random, 100% non-racially inspired extra-thorough search when she went through airport security.

Agent Owen escorts Marcos to Little Bro's room, and Agent Owen looks like a kid who's just seen a woman naked for the first time. Chloe needs to see the vest before she can disarm it. Agent Owen stops in front of a surveillance camera and calls Marcos' bluff, saying he needed to see the vest for proof that he actually had a bomb. Surprisingly, it works, and Agent Owen has some poise after all. Arlo then disarms the bomb, so when Marcos tries to detonate it inside Little Bro's room, it doesn't go off. Marcos then shoots Little Bro before realizing that he's already dead. He tries to shoot at Jack when he comes in, but his gun is empty. Marcos then throws himself out the window, but he can't even kill himself properly since he survives the fall. Man, what a screw-up. He should work for CTU.

Marcos runs off and locks himself inside an oxygen chamber. If he doesn't kill himself, then at least he'll look much younger when he gets out. Marcos calls in, and he is told to set off the bomb manually. He doesn't look too keen on doing that, but when Jack tries to talk to him, Marcos cuts off the video feed. Methinks Marcos isn't quite ready to martyr himself.