John and Palmer: Generic breakup time!
This restarted AGAIN! Good thing I was in the process of composing this entry in Blogger, anyway...
High-scoring words of the evening so far:
KEEVE (896 points; two 4W, two 2W), YUAN (128 points; 4W, two 2W) - against Jen R.
DAISY (168 points) - against Pauline S. [two 4W, hook off STORER for a plural]
Mom said something about a seafood dinner tomorrow at Tsui Woo Seafood Restaurant with the members of her cell group. She also mentioned Chinese Eric to me: don't ask me where that guy is! All I know is he's coming for Jon's wedding - he is VERY excited about it! "I just wanted to let you know about the dinner so you could bring a big book if you decide not to go home with Eric! Steph works till 5, and Jon will be at the church later in the afternoon!" I might just go out somewhere myself after lunch, then come back since I don't want to be stuck at church all day! (the building's bigger, but STILL... maybe I should bring the MARTYRS book just in case I need reading material on the bus / Skytrain!)
I've heard there's more snow on the way... yikes! I was also afraid that my macaroni box would contain a mouse or RAT!
Here are how generic breakup letters would have looked like for John and Palmer:
Dear John,
I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. You've changed too much since we met, and I don't like it. Maybe part of the problem is that you drink so much. You can't actually call gin-flakes or beerios breakfast. Frankly, you just don't care enough about me. Luckily I care enough about me to make up for it, by saying goodbye to you. I can't believe you forgot my birthday! Who does that? The fact that you forgot our anniversary just confirms that it's time for "we" to become "me." The wise Righteous Brothers wrote a song called You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling. You might want to listen to it a few times, because I've lost that loving feeling.
Why do you spend so little money on me? Buying me a happy meal at McDonald's does not count as taking me out to dinner. If you ever get engaged, just remember that an onion ring is not a valid replacement for a wedding ring. All that nagging of yours worked, assuming your intent was to get rid of me.
Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. It's not you, it's me. Really. It may be a typical line, but it's true: we just aren't meant for each other. Why are you so boring? I've seen rocks that are more interesting than you. I never want to see you again, jerkface! Stay away from me or I'll beat you with a frozen salmon. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.
Enjoy yourself!
Leslie
Dear Palmer,
I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. Do you realize that you're a total loser? I know you'll probably tell everyone that you dumped me, because you're a liar. But everyone knows that already, so they won't believe you. You couldn't even pass your exams without cheating; I should have known you'd cheat on me too, asshole. You know, a little respect can go a long way. But the amount of respect you give me is only enough for ME to go a long way. A long way away from you, douchebag. And another thing: take a freakin shower! You smell so bad that the garbage collectors wonder what the smell is when they come down the street. I can't believe you forgot my birthday! Who does that? It's not easy to carry on a successful relationship with someone like you. And by that, I mean someone who is downright stupid, you feebleminded dimwit.
Some people get very little money out of their job. Some people get dumped. Joy of joys, you get both. Why do you spend so little money on me? Buying me a happy meal at McDonald's does not count as taking me out to dinner. If you ever get engaged, just remember that an onion ring is not a valid replacement for a wedding ring. At first I couldn't understand what smelled so bad when I spent time with you, but now it's clear: you're spoiled like a piece of meat left out in the sun.
Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. You may not have realized, but I saw you with him, you fat-fried hamburger-humper! You may not have realized, but I saw you with her, you greasy-heeled anus-sniffer! I never want to see you again, jerkface! Stay away from me or I'll beat you with a frozen salmon. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.
Sorry,
Leslie
High-scoring words of the evening so far:
KEEVE (896 points; two 4W, two 2W), YUAN (128 points; 4W, two 2W) - against Jen R.
DAISY (168 points) - against Pauline S. [two 4W, hook off STORER for a plural]
Mom said something about a seafood dinner tomorrow at Tsui Woo Seafood Restaurant with the members of her cell group. She also mentioned Chinese Eric to me: don't ask me where that guy is! All I know is he's coming for Jon's wedding - he is VERY excited about it! "I just wanted to let you know about the dinner so you could bring a big book if you decide not to go home with Eric! Steph works till 5, and Jon will be at the church later in the afternoon!" I might just go out somewhere myself after lunch, then come back since I don't want to be stuck at church all day! (the building's bigger, but STILL... maybe I should bring the MARTYRS book just in case I need reading material on the bus / Skytrain!)
I've heard there's more snow on the way... yikes! I was also afraid that my macaroni box would contain a mouse or RAT!
Here are how generic breakup letters would have looked like for John and Palmer:
Dear John,
I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. You've changed too much since we met, and I don't like it. Maybe part of the problem is that you drink so much. You can't actually call gin-flakes or beerios breakfast. Frankly, you just don't care enough about me. Luckily I care enough about me to make up for it, by saying goodbye to you. I can't believe you forgot my birthday! Who does that? The fact that you forgot our anniversary just confirms that it's time for "we" to become "me." The wise Righteous Brothers wrote a song called You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling. You might want to listen to it a few times, because I've lost that loving feeling.
Why do you spend so little money on me? Buying me a happy meal at McDonald's does not count as taking me out to dinner. If you ever get engaged, just remember that an onion ring is not a valid replacement for a wedding ring. All that nagging of yours worked, assuming your intent was to get rid of me.
Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. It's not you, it's me. Really. It may be a typical line, but it's true: we just aren't meant for each other. Why are you so boring? I've seen rocks that are more interesting than you. I never want to see you again, jerkface! Stay away from me or I'll beat you with a frozen salmon. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.
Enjoy yourself!
Leslie
Dear Palmer,
I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. Do you realize that you're a total loser? I know you'll probably tell everyone that you dumped me, because you're a liar. But everyone knows that already, so they won't believe you. You couldn't even pass your exams without cheating; I should have known you'd cheat on me too, asshole. You know, a little respect can go a long way. But the amount of respect you give me is only enough for ME to go a long way. A long way away from you, douchebag. And another thing: take a freakin shower! You smell so bad that the garbage collectors wonder what the smell is when they come down the street. I can't believe you forgot my birthday! Who does that? It's not easy to carry on a successful relationship with someone like you. And by that, I mean someone who is downright stupid, you feebleminded dimwit.
Some people get very little money out of their job. Some people get dumped. Joy of joys, you get both. Why do you spend so little money on me? Buying me a happy meal at McDonald's does not count as taking me out to dinner. If you ever get engaged, just remember that an onion ring is not a valid replacement for a wedding ring. At first I couldn't understand what smelled so bad when I spent time with you, but now it's clear: you're spoiled like a piece of meat left out in the sun.
Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. You may not have realized, but I saw you with him, you fat-fried hamburger-humper! You may not have realized, but I saw you with her, you greasy-heeled anus-sniffer! I never want to see you again, jerkface! Stay away from me or I'll beat you with a frozen salmon. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.
Sorry,
Leslie
Labels: alcoholic drinks, birthdays, blogger, books, breakfast, emails, jen, john, palmer, restarts, snow, stephen, wordscraper
posted by Flami at 8:40:00 PM
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